I'm stuck

[Hanna]

Hi, I need some really good advice!

 

About two weeks ago I realized that I'm not just nonbinary but transgender or to be more specific - a trans woman, and everything is very new to me. Last week I talked to a therapist about my gender dysphoria and I will see a GP next week on Thursday and I suppose the GP will then send me to a psychiatrist. I'll have to wait and see what happens after that, if I'll start long term therapy and maybe also HRT.

 

I have accepted myself as I am, that I'm a woman in a 50 year old male body with all the limitations that brings. I have even found peace with God, my Creator, my Saviour and my Comforter. That already was a huge step as I have a religious background since I was a child.

 

Well, everything would be fine as far as this, but, I'm in the middle of a divorce and my wife moved out on New Year's Day. I'm totally OK with that and we have agreed upon the terms of dividing our property. I don't miss her and I certainly don't want her back as my partner, so there is no chance of reconciliation. We have two sons, who still tie us as parents.

 

My ex is toxic in many ways and she has very clearly expressed both transphobia and homophobia. When I last year came out to her as nonbinary and bicurious she said either I have to move away or she will, if I ever start dressing like a woman or if I ever find a male partner. She's an immigrant and she might even move back to her home country, which would cause extreme distress to our children. They would lose either one of their parents or even become split if one of them stays with me. 

 

My elder son has just become a teenager and also has the challenge of facing racism as he is interracial. The younger one is still too young to understand all these concepts. My ex suffers from mental distress at the moment due to a job change and of course now due to the divorce.

 

Well, the woman in me now wants to start expressing herself. I've been wearing female underwear the last couple of days and yesterday I bought a night gown, which I wore during the night. It was simply wonderful! I also have bought nail care stuff and started to shave parts of my body. All this confirms my femininity and there is no male resistance within me at all. It's like my male identity suddenly has ceased to exist. Or, maybe it never existed at all!

 

I have to fight my internalized transphobia, because when I look at myself in the mirror wearing my female underwear or my new night gown I see an ugly old man in female garments. If I give myself some time I think I can overcome this. I might even one day be comfortable leaving my house wearing female clothes and a wig.

 

Well, the problem is, my elder son lives with me now and the younger one stays occasionally at my place. I would not like to hide my femininity from them, because I would be denying my very true identity. This morning when I put the night gown away I felt like I also put my inner woman away. She doesn't want that! But, I can't start walking around in my own home dressed like a woman with the kids around. The elder one would have to face the distress of having this new secret, that his dad is a woman. If his school mates knew, that would most  certainly lead to him being harassed. The younger one would not be able to keep quiet and sooner or later I would be outed, whether I'm ready or not. And, I can't tell my ex that I am a trans woman because of her threats.

 

At this moment I have exactly nowhere to go. I can't come out to my children and I feel extremely distressed, because I can't be my true self at home. Next week on Tuesday, before my appointment with the GP, I have an online appointment with a person from the main national LGBT rights organization in our country. So, I'm reaching out for help as much as I can, but I feel stuck, especially at this moment. I can't deny my inner woman anymore and I don't know what to do!

[Charlize]

it sounds like you are already doing many of the things you can do.  Talking to a therapist and an MD are late steps forward towards self acceptance.  You are confronting and recognizing the issues.

My child was older when i went full time after hiding for years.  I would talk to your therapist about them as well.  Between the divorce and you changing they also need professional help.  We never transition alone and caring for those around us is often one of the hardest parts.  We are here ton help as we can.  I had similar issues and made it through.

 You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[DeeDee]

Hi Hanna, do not be so hard on yourself, you are already doing a lot. Charlize is right, having someone to talk to will make deciding your path forwards so much simpler.

I hid my dressing for a long time while my divorce was going through, only dressing at home while my kids wre at school, going to distant forest walks/towns when I finally plucked up the courage to go outside, knowing that if I couldn't even do that, then I could never live as myself. 

Once I finally knew who I was, had come to terms with myself, and understood much of the science behind the, "why now?" question - I was able to have a conversation with my children (13 & 14) and they both accept and support me. While I worry about my children being harrassed for who I am, they are better educated and more accepting than we were, and I would rather that they learn to never hide who they are just to fit in with other people. They are loved for who they are! 

I have not told my ex yet, but will when the time comes, I am not scared of what she will say, but she can hurt my current living situation if she outs me before I am ready to fully socially transition, but basically, she lost the right to know before my friends and family when she left. 

The way I looked at it, I had spent almost 40 years hiding my true self, what was a few more months if it gave me a smoother transition for the rest of my life and allowed me to organise the things that I could control and prepare for the things that I can't!

[Delcina B]

Hi Hanna! In the spousal department we have much in common. Our grown up daughters were more receptive & our grandchildren don't seem to be bothered by me being me. I do tend to dress androgynous when I'm there. I think the lack of acceptance is mostly a generational thing.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Sandra6sandy9sand]

Hi Hanna, all the advice above is great. I wear woman’s under ware every day and most of the cloths that I wear are woman’s as well. In the winter almost all the woman I see when out are wearing pants of some sort, a heavy top, (it’s very cold here now) , a winter jacket and boots. The woman inside you will be patient as time moves along. Try to take one thing at a time if you can.

 

Hugs

 

Sandra

[KayC]

Hi @Hanna!
We share many of the same obstacles and challenges.

On 1/13/2022 at 7:17 PM, Hanna said:

I have accepted myself as I am, that I'm a woman in a 50 year old male body with all the limitations that brings

Your Self-Acceptance is an extremely important foundation that you have established and you should be proud and encouraged by that. 

I don't have much else to add to what the others wrote but engaging in Gender Therapy will be very beneficial as I am sure you will discover.  There's no timeline other than the goals and markers you establish for yourself.

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time ❤️

[Astrid]

@Hanna, remember that there are others who, like you, have similar circumstances and similar questions, and they have each been dealing similar issues, sometimes successfully, sometimes not.  Finding a support group where you can share your story and hear others' stories can be helpful.  The groups can be sponsored by all different kinds of organizations --  trans-supportive groups sponsored by a church; groups run by trans medical care facilities; community trans support people, etc.   Hopefully, there will be such a group near you, or that has online sessions.

 

Hugs and supportive thoughts,

 

Astrid

[Marcie Jensen]

Hi Hanna, all of the above advice is great, and there is little if nothing that I can add to it. Your story touches me deeply because, I have had very similar experiences. The disturbed and homophobic/transphobic ex wife, coming to grips with my dysphoria, etc.

 

Onn top of all that, my past career--I am retired Army and civil service--demanded that I completely repress my female self for over 30 years or lose my security clearance and career. The point being, you are not alone. Faith is a huge help, and it sounds like you are blessed with that. The Lord made us as we are, loves us for ourselves and will never abandon us. 

 

Therapy will help. The woman in you will come out more and more as time passes and you will discover new joys as you bloom into your new self.

Hugs,

Marcie

[Susan R]

On 1/13/2022 at 2:17 AM, Hanna said:

I have accepted myself as I am, that I'm a woman in a 50 year old male body with all the limitations that brings. I have even found peace with God, my Creator, my Saviour and my Comforter. That already was a huge step as I have a religious background since I was a child.

This, along with what it might do to my marriage, was my biggest hurdle in deciding to transition to my true self.

 

Like you, I was brought up to believe that there was only ONE WAY to live and if you strayed off the beaten path, I would be doomed. It took years to understand that ‘how I was brought up’ and ‘what I was told was truth’ was only one very narrow perspective. My parents only knew what they had learned themselves. It took much research, prayer, self examination and introspection to realize it was ok for me to become my authentic self.

 

Susan R🌷

[Ticket For Epic]

@DeeDee

On 1/13/2022 at 8:48 AM, DeeDee said:

and understood much of the science behind the, "why now?" question -

Wait,what?... Understand?...What is this witchcraft of which you speak!?  Seriously though, do you have sources you can cite? Which studies, what research or website what animal must I sacrifice and to which deity?   Sorry, humor is a coping mechanism.  If you you could point me in the right direction it would mean the world to me. 

[Katie M]

On 1/13/2022 at 3:17 AM, Hanna said:

I have accepted myself as I am, that I'm a woman in a 50 year old male body with all the limitations that brings.

Hanna, this is a big step forward - and a rewarding one...you've got this, girl!