Hi, I'm Lydia!

[Lydia_R]

I'm a M->F type of person.  I started GT last week.  I've been cross dressing (at home) since my last wife died 2.5 years ago.  A year ago I was browsing the gender section of my online library.  My whole adult life I've been asking myself "Am I gay?  I'm not gay.  What am I?"  I'm pretty naive though and was a tough nut to crack so to speak.  I found She's Not There and well, that was it!  I totally related.  And then I wrote and recorded a song, and then many more short compositions.

 

I've been letting the idea of transitioning grow on me since then.  This past Christmas Eve, I cooked for some new friends and then we played a game.  I found myself developing a crush on one of the men that night.  But you know, if he's gay, he probably won't be into me transitioning.  And I'm not gay, so I don't particularly want to be with him as a male.

 

So then I bought some better women's clothing, a full length mirror, a wand vibrator and started GT.  My GT was encouraging.  I told her that I thought I should wait to transition until I retire, or at least get close to retiring (5-7 years).  She suggested that my profession is pretty understanding about this kind of thing and that I could transition sooner.  That got my juices flowing.

 

Anyway.  Patience.  I'm looking forward to more GT.  Transitioning while I'm working feels like a good way to be productive at work.  I think I'd be too frustrated otherwise.  I work from home, so it should be easy to do.

 

I've always been attracted to females.  And I've always shunned most typical male behavior.  I've always had long hair.  I weighed 120 until I was 35.  I was stupid and gained a lot of weight after that, but I wised up pretty quickly and lost most of it.  I got back down to 129.  I'm 140 today with some holiday weight to lose.  I worry that transitioning could make my body undesirable, but there is a good chance it would be amazing.  I think transitioning will be great for my hair.  My hair is pretty decent with only minor receding.  I don't know what to think about my face.  I think that as long as my body is tight, I'll just roll with the face thing and hope for the best.

 

I've never been all that successful with the females.  The last lady I was with was by far the best woman I've been with in my adult life.  And I was only with her 2 years before she died.  I worry that transitioning will make me androgynous and asexual.  I think that with HRT, I could pretty easily become attracted to men, and that will be interesting to experience.

 

There was a complete lack of femininity around me growing up.  Mom was fairly androgynous.  No sisters or cousins.  No girls in the neighborhood.  Friend's mothers were not good feminine role models.  In thinking about all this, I realized today that there was a girl I used to play with when I was 4 years old.  I remember having a lot of fun with her.  We moved shortly after that.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Lydia!  It's nice to meet you.  Thank you for that interesting introduction.  You're on the right track in seeing a GT before getting too serious about transition.  There is a lot more to it than many trans people think when they begin.  If we can answer any questions or just provide support, please don't hesitate to ask.  I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Lydia,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Lydia_R]

Hello Caroline and Timber Wolf!  GT is going to be great.  I had a false start with it last year, but I'm feeling better about this new therapist.

 

I certainly feel a huge void of femininity in my life.  The last lady I was with was finally able to mostly fill that void.  When she died, I couldn't stand the void it left.  And I've read other widower stories and cross dressing stories which reflect those feelings.

 

The photo I posted is special to me.  I'd say that is how I've always seen myself.  I've certainly always aspired to have the body of a female swimsuit model.  I think that is part of why I am not very successful in finding feminine women.

 

Anyway.  I know this forum is not GT.  I tend to do a lot of diary type writing.  OK, gotta get back to work!

[Heather Shay]

Hi Lydia welcome. Glad you're here.

[Lydia_R]

Hello Heather!  I took this picture today.  I'm trying to soften up and smile!  I'm only doing GT every other week right now.  I've had an explosion of feelings in the last month.  Money is holding me back from doing it every week, but that'll soon change.  I'm pretty hopeful about the future right now.  I'm feeling good having bought some more women's clothing.  I cut myself off from it last year because it was just such an added expense.  And it was good to not rush into it so I could start to develop a style.  I'm actually much more into this long black skirt than I thought I would be.  I usually wear it with a silk slip.

 

I'm into this black thing both as a guy and a girl.  Lydia comes from Betelgeuse.

[Heather Shay]

@Lydia_R looking good and keep smiling that releases good endorphins (something I never really did but have found it helps). You are coming along nicely. Proud of you.

[Charlize]

Welcome dear.  I remember looking forward to seeing my GT like a Christmas morning as a child.  i always went as myself and so enjoyed the acceptance and understanding as i went through a lifetime of feeling.  That and my time here has certainly helped me find peace with myself.  

Keep smiling!  While i'll never be a swimsuit model i know a smile makes me prettier.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Delcina B]

Welcome Lydia! Glad you're here. Sounds like you're taking steps in the right direction. Enjoy the journey!

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Lydia_R]

Hello Delcina and Charlize!  Thank you for your love and acceptance.

 

I haven't posted on a message board for over 20 years.  I was a little scared to post pictures here because of the nature of it all, but it's done some good and I'm glad I'm taking this step.  I'm actually not a very private person and am fairly comfortable with that.  As long as people aren't knocking down my door.

 

Posting that last picture is giving me a little more confidence about my look, especially my face.  I really haven't given it much thought before (clothing and body yes, face not so much).  So here is another one.  Glasses are another issue too.  I require distance and reading glasses now, so this is another cost to absorb.

 

This whole transgender thing is an added cost and I've being dialing up a frugal lifestyle in recent years.  I'm certainly not cheap, but I'm into making smart decisions.  What really turns me on for my idea of retirement is to follow through with the transition and then cook for small to medium size dinner parties.  I've got a newer set of friends that I'm starting to do that with and there is a good chance they'll be accepting of my transition.  And meeting people in the transgender community would be a good way of extending that group or creating another one.

 

Certainly earning my retirement and transitioning is going to take a lot of my time in the next few years.  I'm especially looking forward to having a strong finish to my career.  I've been laying the groundwork for that for a few years now.

 

Sending my love (in a modem)

[Ivy]

Welcome Lydia.

[Charlize]

Being a frugal gal myself i took a grandson to the thrift store after his school today and while he was getting new tops i scored 2 perfect pairs of women's jeans for $15.  

My problem when i first came out was buying too much "girly" stuff only to later look around to find other women dressing much plainer. 

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Elizabeth Star]

Hi Lydia. Nice to meet you. I also wear a lot black. This is a great site as it has help me in so many different ways. I found posting pictures to be a great way to boost my confidence. 🙂

[Mmindy]

Hey there Lydia,

Welcome to TransPulseForums, it’s nice to meet you.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe 

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Lydia_R]

Hello Jandi, Lizzy* and Mmindy!  Thanks for the warm welcome 😀

 

I'll choose to stop fretting about my face right now.  Posting those pictures helped me get over that.  It's just part of being a transwoman.

 

** deleted content because I have a way of rambling!

 

Another new journey, to hold us.

 

 

[Mattie Anne]

Hi Lydia!

[Lydia_R]

Hello Mattie Anne!

 

I want to give a big thanks to Heather here.  Her comment of "You are coming along nicely" resonates with me.  That's how I feel.  A little scared of it all, but you know, I'm still me.  This is just an expression of myself.

[Lydia_R]

In this journey of starting GT, memories are coming back.  I remember how I wore this linen mini-dress while I was living on the streets for a year in 2003.  I wore it over my pants.  It was mainly white with some purple and pink treads mixed in.  I wore it for at least 6 months.

 

And certainly my relationship with my first wife before that was very odd.  I won't get into the details of it on this public forum.

 

I also came up with a feminine name for myself 7 years ago.  I was never too hot on the name and I switched to Lydia just a few weeks ago and I feel much better with this name.

 

I'm sorry I started this thread off with some sexual stuff.  When this new friend hugged me on Christmas Eve, I felt like a woman in his arms and that was the trigger that got me here.  I've felt that before.  I had 4 one night stands with men in 2002 and 2003.  We didn't do anything overtly sexual.  It was really just heavy petting.  I'm not naturally attracted to men and they probably found me fairly boring.  But I did learn some things about what females like about men.  How it feels to be held by a man.

[Bri2020]

On 1/19/2022 at 10:27 AM, Lydia_R said:

In this journey of starting GT, memories are coming back.  I remember how I wore this linen mini-dress while I was living on the streets for a year in 2003.  I wore it over my pants.  It was mainly white with some purple and pink treads mixed in.  I wore it for at least 6 months.

 

And certainly my relationship with my first wife before that was very odd.  I won't get into the details of it on this public forum.

 

I also came up with a feminine name for myself 7 years ago.  I was never too hot on the name and I switched to Lydia just a few weeks ago and I feel much better with this name.

 

I'm sorry I started this thread off with some sexual stuff.  When this new friend hugged me on Christmas Eve, I felt like a woman in his arms and that was the trigger that got me here.  I've felt that before.  I had 4 one night stands with men in 2002 and 2003.  We didn't do anything overtly sexual.  It was really just heavy petting.  I'm not naturally attracted to men and they probably found me fairly boring.  But I did learn some things about what females like about men.  How it feels to be held by a man.

Welcome Lydia, I'm a little late to the thread here. Definitely search out the forums for questions and subjects you are thinking about. There's a lot on here about sexuality. I think most people are "attracted" to the same gender they were before they transitioned. There's no reason HRT should "change" that but I do know a lot of people start to open up about themselves and or or become more open about their own sexuality once their gender identity becomes more manifest if that makes any sense.  I for one can't stand the idea of man parts or "maleness" in myself much less another person from a sexual perspective but as I transitioned I started "seeing" what other ladies do as far as attractive features in men.  (still don't want anything to do with them though lol). Point being, as you explore and solidify your gender identity, it may lead to more understanding of your sexuality.  Working with your GT makes you take a hard look at all aspects of yourself.

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Bri2020 said:

Welcome Lydia, I'm a little late to the thread here.

Ditto on this @Lydia_R… But better late than never. 😉 Glad you found us and decided to join us.

 

On 1/13/2022 at 7:53 PM, Lydia_R said:

I told her that I thought I should wait to transition until I retire, or at least get close to retiring (5-7 years).  She suggested that my profession is pretty understanding about this kind of thing and that I could transition sooner.  That got my juices flowing.

I really like your GT and her sage advice. She sounds like a “I’ll seize the day!” kind of therapist instead of “I’ll seize the day….well, maybe tomorrow” type. And you seem to have that same kind of motivation too. With transition, it can be so helpful because there are so many factors that can slow you down, or God forbid, get you completely off track.

 

Thank you for sharing a little of your backstory with us. I hope to see you around and learn more about you in time.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Lydia_R]

Quote

(still don't want anything to do with them though lol)

 

That made me laugh!  Dang, I'm still laughing!!  Yes, I haven't gone too deeply into this website yet.  It's been good to do a few posts here to get started.  Thanks for the warm welcome ladies!

[Katie M]

Hi, Lydia! I'm the new girl (just joined today) - so I'm behind everyone on saying "hello"!

Hugs!

Katie

[Ivy]

Well, welcome Katie

[Katie M]

23 minutes ago, Jandi said:

Well, welcome Katie

Thank you, Jandi...it's nice to meet you!