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Hopefully Optimistic? Figured Something Out, I think


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Okay, so I got some good resources and definitions and did another deep dive into research and self reflection, and I feel like I have something good to go off of. 

I've already talked about how I don't really feel like anything, and that's caused me a lot of pain and frustration because I didn't get it in my head yet that "Just because you're not one, doesn't mean you have to be the other." I know with frightening clarity that I don't want to be a woman, and it's... really hard and uncomfortable to try and picture myself as one. But I also know that I don't want to be a man either. Every time I picture a "man" or "woman," all I can think of are stereotypes. I don't know what it means to actually be a man or a woman, and I really don't understand it. What does being a man or woman entail? What do they mean? Do they matter? 

Being called "she" and "he" both have different feelings layered over something else. From what I've experienced, I would say that "she" is cold and "he" is warm. "She" is cold and sort of the "default" for my life, while "he" is just... warm. But both give me this spike of anxiety and I've gotten the urge to correct people sometimes when they say "she" or "girl." 

But then I would see people breaking the mold, taking those stereotypes associated with "man" and "woman" and throwing them out the window to make something great. I always loved that, and I especially loved when a conventional societal norm was broken. It made me happy and now that I think about it... a little envious. I was scrolling through Pinterest recently and found gender neutral people and clothes, and I figured out what I was feeling; I wanted that. I wanted to be gender neutral in my own way. I want to be masc and wear a dress. I want to be femme and pull off a suit. 

@Astrid gave me a handy guide of definitions for gender, and I spent some time going through it and found two that I felt could apply; Androgynous, and agender.

I like the mix between masculine and feminine, and I love what that looks like and I want to look like that too. But I don't feel like a man or a woman, and I did try out nonbinary for a couple months and that didn't really fit right either. 

I want shorter hair, I want bottom growth, and I want smaller boobs, but I don't want to give up the feminine parts of me totally. I like what I've got, I just want to enhance it or downsize it, not get rid of it. My QPP calls me "they" because she doesn't know what I want to be called, and it was the only term that didn't make me anxious. It made me happy, and that was it. There was no doubting, there was no anxiety, it was just... there. So, I think that agender could work for me, and I think that's what I want. 

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1 hour ago, Sol said:

Okay, so I got some good resources and definitions and did another deep dive into research and self reflection, and I feel like I have something good to go off of. 

I've already talked about how I don't really feel like anything, and that's caused me a lot of pain and frustration because I didn't get it in my head yet that "Just because you're not one, doesn't mean you have to be the other." I know with frightening clarity that I don't want to be a woman, and it's... really hard and uncomfortable to try and picture myself as one. But I also know that I don't want to be a man either. Every time I picture a "man" or "woman," all I can think of are stereotypes. I don't know what it means to actually be a man or a woman, and I really don't understand it. What does being a man or woman entail? What do they mean? Do they matter? 

Being called "she" and "he" both have different feelings layered over something else. From what I've experienced, I would say that "she" is cold and "he" is warm. "She" is cold and sort of the "default" for my life, while "he" is just... warm. But both give me this spike of anxiety and I've gotten the urge to correct people sometimes when they say "she" or "girl." 

But then I would see people breaking the mold, taking those stereotypes associated with "man" and "woman" and throwing them out the window to make something great. I always loved that, and I especially loved when a conventional societal norm was broken. It made me happy and now that I think about it... a little envious. I was scrolling through Pinterest recently and found gender neutral people and clothes, and I figured out what I was feeling; I wanted that. I wanted to be gender neutral in my own way. I want to be masc and wear a dress. I want to be femme and pull off a suit. 

@Astrid gave me a handy guide of definitions for gender, and I spent some time going through it and found two that I felt could apply; Androgynous, and agender.

I like the mix between masculine and feminine, and I love what that looks like and I want to look like that too. But I don't feel like a man or a woman, and I did try out nonbinary for a couple months and that didn't really fit right either. 

I want shorter hair, I want bottom growth, and I want smaller boobs, but I don't want to give up the feminine parts of me totally. I like what I've got, I just want to enhance it or downsize it, not get rid of it. My QPP calls me "they" because she doesn't know what I want to be called, and it was the only term that didn't make me anxious. It made me happy, and that was it. There was no doubting, there was no anxiety, it was just... there. So, I think that agender could work for me, and I think that's what I want. 

Excellent post, @Sol

I agree with most of your identity findings, but I'm pretty vague about myself just yet. I'm working on it. Asking myself "What do you want?" It's always a good question. Thanks for posting this. May you become the best You possible, the happiest You possible. 

— Davie

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+1 to what @Daviesaid -- an excellent post, @Sol!  You've been making a real effort to make progress on finding an appropriate label, in this case, agender.

 

Separate from that, there's the whole "pronoun thing" that you also mentioned. Getting people to honor your preferred pronouns (assuming you eventually settle on them) can be hard.  There are those who know you, respect you, and use them properly without effort.  There are those who make mistakes, but try to get it right once corrected.  There are countless strangers who just assume your gender (even if you appear androgynous) and don't ask first what pronouns you prefer. And finally, there are the malicious trolls who .... well, I can't use foul language to describe how I feel about them.

 

I've sort of resigned myself that there will continue to be these varied cases, and I try not to let it affect my sure knowledge that I am happy with how I've evolved and who I am now. 

 

Best wishes,

 

Astrid

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