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Are secrets in the family acceptable?


Ticket For Epic

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Okay, I'm 42 amab and a growing unacknowledged realization finally came to a head when I accidentally said the quiet thing out loud.  You know, that thing I haven't even soft admitted to myself...  Yeah, that thing!  I was more than a little shocked to hear the words "Hell, I don't even know if I'm cis." Come out of my mouth.  Of course I back pedaled and changed the subject and tried to move on as if a paradigm shifting event hadn't just taken place and tried to go about business a usual.  I'm sure we all know how that has worked out.  Anyway, long story short...  little things I used to be able to brush off are now HUGE things I can't ignore and I'm living life 3 deep breaths at a time on the brink of hyperventilating.   Not to mention the "How could I have been so blind"/"Are you crazy, where is all is all this coming from?"  battle raging in my head.  As well as fears of general acceptance... Who's going to belive me? How many people will I disappoint? And the ever present "Well, this is the path to dying alone." 

 

Anyway, my question... I desperately want/need to talk to someone about this and I am currently reaching out to gender therapists.  But in the meantime, I'd like to talk to someone that can understand and empathize as well as knows me and cares about me personally.  The only person I know that fits this description is my sister's husband (a trans man if that wasn't clear) and I would love to reach out to him but I'm not sure if it would be fair, appropriate or ethical.  My sister is my best friend in the world and I'm afraid it would hurt her feelings if she found out that I confided in her husband and not her.  I'm also concerned about the morals and ethics of asking him to keep such a huge secret about his wifes sibling. 

 

Any input would be greatly appreciated!

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  • Forum Moderator

When this realization hits it usually is like a truck!  Yes we may backpedal but it eventually comes around again and we must face it.  Since your sister is close to you, and her husband is a transman I would say they would be accepting.  I would strongly suggest talking to them both as a couple rather than just your BIL.  I'm sure they have had all the conversations and would be accepting as you might wish for.

 

Hugs, 

Jani

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Thank you for your suggestion...Oh, I'm so not ready to broach this with my sister.  I know she loves her husband and accepts him for the man he is but I'm not sure she is as accepting and understanding in general as she thinks she is.  I often hear her say or imply things to her husband or about the extended trans community in general that in most situations I would consider to be micro aggressions.  She identifies as a lesbian whilst married to a man and was taken aback when I was surprised by this and asked why she didn't consider herself bi, seeing as she is in a hetero marriage.  I have also had some discourse with her about the non-binary community and the respecting of pronouns.  Not to mention some disparaging comments about the "alphabet mafia".  For the time being I'm experimenting in the non-binary arena (probably out of fear because for some reason it feels safer) and I'm all but certain she doesn't really take such identities seriously. 

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From all the info you've provided, @Ticket For Epic  , it sounds a bit tricky. Your sister is your best friend, she's married to a trans person, but she may not be a trans ally. If you confide in your BIL and not your sister, she may feel betrayed, he may feel uncomfortable, and worse - imagine the potential fallout if you explain to your BIL your reasons for not feeling comfortable talking with your sister - he may feel very conflicted. I DEFINITELY understand the very powerful urge of wanting to connect with other trans folks irl. It's very tempting to reach out to your BIL because he's a family member already in your life, but it does seem too complicated to confide in him alone. I would suggest using this forum as a respite until you have secured a therapist. (Perhaps the therapist can help you navigate opening up to your sister.) Although we're a bit separated because you don't know us in real life, at least you have access to an entire community of people who understand you in ways cis friends cannot. 

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@Vidanjali As much as I hate to admit it, your assessment of the situation is spot on.  I know it's a bad idea, which is why I posted the question here, hoping against hope that someone would change my mind... though I'm glad no one has.   Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond.  Everyone I have encountered here has shown themselves to be extraordinary, compassionate and empathetic individuals.   I'm really impressed with the community that has been built here. 

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Hey T/T

Yeah Jani

Has soon good advice. plus she knows her stuff.

Best and only solutions is to talk to them both during dinner or drinks 

 

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