Therapy and Impostor syndrome

[Guest]

So, I'm only three sessions in with my therapist and I brought up that I've wondered if I really was trans as I never felt the need to present as a woman before. Never felt any compulsion to wear women's clothing or wear make up. My therapist responded saying that was not a deal breaker to being a trans woman. I thought maybe I'm a victim of "Imposter Syndrome". Any one else have this?

[Vidanjali]

Some women (be they cis or trans) are not inclined to present as "traditionally" feminine (whatever the cultural context may be). I don't believe the desire to adorn oneself with any particular garments or cosmetics is requisite to being a woman. (Personally, I like to think of "woman" as rather open-ended.) I think it's more relevant to explore why you are questioning or why you may be trans rather than dwelling on perceived disqualifications. It's been said many times that cis people do not tend to question their gender. So, there is that to consider for contrast. I hope you will find joy in your exploration. If you encounter imposter syndrome feelings, keep in mind that they are related to fear, and just because you are experiencing some fear does not prove that your fears are warranted; it just means you are experiencing fear. The fear will pass. May you be courageous!

[Sally Stone]

Jamie,

 

There isn't much more I can offer after Vidanjali's excellent response.  She kind of nailed it.  

 

For me personally, presenting "traditionally" feminine has always been important, but for others it isn't a concern.  I think it just goes to show how different we can be, while still being transgender. 

 

I think you are going to find that your journey to understanding your true gender will be full of questions like this.  It's a normal process of self-discovery.

 

 

[Davie]

Yes. Some good points there. I certainly have to deal with imposter syndrome. I also don't want to go full "Woman" but I do want to feel free enough to feminize myself a bit. I most definitely like to feel feminine inside in many ways because there's a female being in me who's been hidden too long. I feel to be the complete me, I need to express myself as the inner woman who was suppressed a long time. I can look back at who I was (or pretended to be) but I never want to go back there. Pretending to be different is way too much work and it feels like I'm lying, so then I am an imposter. Imposter feelings now are temporary feelings for me now and I can see their falseness. I also know I'm a work-in-progress who is in transition—I just don't know where I'll end up. But I do know I'm on the right path. Welcome to both sides of myself!

— Davie  

[Susan R]

On 1/28/2022 at 1:20 PM, Jamie73 said:

I never felt the need to present as a woman before. Never felt any compulsion to wear women's clothing or wear make up. My therapist responded saying that was not a deal breaker to being a trans woman. I thought maybe I'm a victim of "Imposter Syndrome".

@Vidanjali your incredible post is so well stated…wow!.

 

I’ll add that the definition of traditional woman is ever changing over time. Society loves to put labels and definitions on everything and tends to puts boundaries or end points on them. Our personal views are all a matter of perception depending on so many variables….culture, upbringings, class, indoctrination, and the list goes on.

 

The clothing or presentation doesn’t necessarily define the woman. It’s only one facet of her personality and certainly doesn’t make one an imposter if it doesn’t conform to someone’s definition. You can be transgender without being a ‘trans woman’ or ‘trans man’ but it’s difficult to be cis if you are questioning your gender identity. The label in itself is nice if it works for you but gender identity is a huge spectrum and for some, it can change. Others consider themselves fluid which adds a whole new dimension on to the gender spectrum.

 

Susan R🌷

 

[Astrid]

Hi, @Jamie73!  The topic of gender is extensive -- many of us, as the beginning of our journeys, thought our issues were unique, and often wondered about what we were -- for example, if we were a particular "label". Then, as we became familiar with the stories and experiences of others, we began to increasingly become aware of the great variety of people who are all under the umbrella term "trans". There are dozens and dozens of gender orientations, and the terminology changes over time.

 

If you have the opportunity, read as much as you can about gender -- if you'd like recommendations, please do ask, as many folks here have them -- because they've found that it helped with their own journeys.  There are a *lot* of possibilities beside imposter syndrome, and it could be that as you read about others experiences, some of them may strike a real chord with you.

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

 

 

[Jani]

On 1/28/2022 at 4:35 PM, Vidanjali said:

I think it's more relevant to explore why you are questioning or why you may be trans rather than dwelling on perceived disqualifications. It's been said many times that cis people do not tend to question their gender. So, there is that to consider for contrast.

@Jamie73 As others have so precisely written you don't need to have the desire to dress or wear make up to be a transgender woman.  The gender spectrum is not just two points at opposite ends of a line but a multitude of points between.  Keep up the conversation with your counselor in an effort to explore where your head is at.  I found my time in counseling to be invaluable.  I feared having to give up the things I loved when I transitioned but I found there was no need as women come in all sizes, shapes and mindsets.  My closest friends have said I haven't changed, aside from appearance.  That is satisfying to me.   Keep searching and you'll find the real you!

Cheers, 

Jani

[Amber76]

For me, I always wished to be female, and if I had been coming up today maybe things would be different

 

But I was traumatized over cross dressing and developed a real phobia I'm still dealing with. And it has me compromising the level of "trans" I am able to bring myself to experience. I do hope to continue working through it, but even recently it triggered my own imposter syndrome

 

It's so much it makes me just want to give up. But I know that just in the end wastes another 6 months before I cycle back around, having to dig back up through the self hatred I pile on in the process

 

Hang in there. You are no less regardless how you dress 🤗🤗🤗

[Mmindy]

4 minutes ago, Amber76 said:

It's so much it makes me just want to give up. But I know that just in the end wastes another 6 months before I cycle back around, having to dig back up through the self hatred I pile on in the process

 

Hang in there. You are no less regardless how you dress

So true @Amber76 Thank you for that closing statement.

[Guest]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. It's not that I'm opposed to presenting as a woman, it's just I never had the need to in the past. Like many, I was bullied from family when I was little. The usual "boys don't like that" "boys don't act like that". So, it's totally possible it's just internalized transphobia. Sure, I used to pretend I was Olivia Newton John as a four year old, but who didn't?😉 

I am happier since starting therapy though and that's a start. On an unrelated note, I am now off of Testosterone. Being miserable for five years on t was in part what led me to looking into if I was trans. I was really happy before I started it and was mystified why I was so unhappy on it. There were times it was making me suicidal. Not that I ever had plans or acted on it. So, here's hoping things improve without it.

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Jamie73 said:

Sure, I used to pretend I was Olivia Newton John as a four year old, but who didn't?😉

LOL…I think you’re right @Jamie73. Maybe WPATH should update their diagnosis codes to add all early Olivia Newton John impersonators as transgender.🤣 That woulda saved me 50 years of questioning.😉

 

3 hours ago, Jamie73 said:

The usual "boys don't like that" "boys don't act like that". So, it's totally possible it's just internalized transphobia.

3 hours ago, Jamie73 said:

I am happier since starting therapy though and that's a start.

It’s amazing just how much of that early childhood rhetoric becomes a part of us. The damage it causes spans decades and lifetimes. A good therapist can sometimes help us change that outdated perspective but sometimes I still on occasion find myself reverting to the old ways of thinking. It’s good to read here that your beginning to counter some of that damage. Give it time.🙂

[Davie]

3 hours ago, Susan R said:

Maybe WPATH should update their diagnosis codes to add all early Olivia Newton John impersonators as transgender

Hey, please don't tell me you never danced like Diana Ross? Alert WPATH right away!

[DeeDee]

Just a thought @Jamie73 but have noticed that you refer to your presenting as a woman as a "need" and not simply a "want"?  It may help you understand your subconcsious thought pattern a little easier, imposter syndrome I think is a recurring monster as we break into new spaces. For me I had and have it far more when I'm interacting as a man than I do as Dee. Dee even when nervous is just far easier for me to be. x

[KayC]

Hi @Jamie73

 

On 1/29/2022 at 6:20 AM, Jamie73 said:

I thought maybe I'm a victim of "Imposter Syndrome". Any one else have this?

I actually had to Google that and see how it pertained to gender identity specifically, because I thought the term was more generically about general life anxieties and lack of confidence. 

But the "Dyshoria" part of gender dysphoria falls perfectly into this category.  And while it too is a catch-all phrase, if our starting point is dysphoria in nature (for a multitude of personal, cultural, and societal reasons) then I would think it is only natural for most of us (maybe ALL of us? at some point?) to carry doubts.  Specially in the beginning of our journey.

I know I did and at times still do ... but time and THERAPY have helped make my inner voice quieter and less frequent.

So, I hope you continue with your therapy, and the great experiences you've received here in the Forum should hopefully buoy your spirits and confidence.

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

So, I hope you continue with your therapy, and the great experiences you've received here in the Forum should hopefully buoy your spirits and confidence.

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

Good Evening Kay,

 

I know we here in central Indiana are 12-13 hours behind you in Japan.

It's good to see you pop up in the Forums from time to time. I know you read more than you post, but it's still a comfort to know you're around.

 

Thank you for being here,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Jani]

1 hour ago, Mmindy said:

but it's still a comfort to know you're around.

@KayC  This^^

 

Jani

[KayC]

Thank you @Mmindy@Jani🙏  You're comments filled my heart 🥰

Sorry I don't post more but Yes, I am still here.  Emotionally attached and eternally grateful to the Forum and ALL of you❣️

[Mmindy]

15 minutes ago, KayC said:

Emotionally attached and eternally grateful to the Forum and ALL of you

🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋💖💖💖💖

[Gabriel]

@Jamie73 What I can totally relate to during the questioning period is constantly thinking "but is it this (gender-reated) or is it that (other stuff)? It took a while to sort out all the "thats" my mind presented to me to fuel my doubt and denial, but it is a process that needs to be done. Glad you are already working through them with your therapist.

Hear all these wise women above, they make really good points.

It can be more confusing when we don't fit the binary clearly (or at least any of the points at the end of the espectrum). Still you can be totally trans binary and not have any desire to follow any certain code. At the end of the day this is about discovering You - all the different ingredients and spices that make your personal recipe, and then enjoying it.

[Jani]

Hello @Gabriel It's been a while since I've seen you.

 

Jani

[Mary]

 

On 2/1/2022 at 5:40 AM, Jamie73 said:

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. It's not that I'm opposed to presenting as a woman, it's just I never had the need to in the past. Like many, I was bullied from family when I was little. The usual "boys don't like that" "boys don't act like that". So, it's totally possible it's just internalized transphobia. Sure, I used to pretend I was Olivia Newton John as a four year old, but who didn't?😉 

I am happier since starting therapy though and that's a start. On an unrelated note, I am now off of Testosterone. Being miserable for five years on t was in part what led me to looking into if I was trans. I was really happy before I started it and was mystified why I was so unhappy on it. There were times it was making me suicidal. Not that I ever had plans or acted on it. So, here's hoping things improve without it.

A few years ago my testosterone started dropping - age-related. The urologist recommended that I go onto replacement therapy, which I duly did.

 

The textbooks will tell you that this makes you feel better, calmer, etc. For me it had the opposite effect - I became a lot more aggressive, and started losing my hair!!! As soon as I stopped I was a lot calmer and, happily, my hair recovered. I have always wondered if there was a message in there. Now the testosterone is lower, and the estrogen (naturally) relatively higher, I think it is taking me a teeny bit of the way to where I would like to be.

 

So I can totally sympathize with the experience of feeling bad on testosterone - good thing you stopped it after a few years.