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A Long Time in Becoming Katie - Part II


Katie M

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I've tried a couple of times to continue my introduction / TG Bio in a blog, but I don't think I'm doing it right (I'm a little bit technically challenged...lol)...anyway, I don't mind that my story is public, and I hope you don't mind my sharing it!

 

AWAKENING

 

The year I turned 13 was a turning point in my life - both wonderful and traumatic – if that makes sense. I’d heard someone use the term “transgender”, and I asked my mom what it meant. “It’s someone who believes they’re actually a girl trapped in a boy’s body, or a boy trapped in a girl’s body.” Looking back now, I’m sure that certain attitudes and behaviors I was undoubtedly showing was why she was so quick to know the answer to my question, because God knows my family would never look into or talk about such things as a dinnertime discussion topic. I wish I could ask her, but sadly, she passed away in 2021 without my having the courage to tell her that I was her daughter. Again, looking back, I don’t think it would have come as a big surprise to her – and I think she would have accepted me as a woman. I really hope so, anyway. But the phrase “girl trapped in a boy’s body” began to awaken me to why I was feeling the way I did…the term “transgender” described ME!

 

The attitudes and signs I mentioned were also not lost on my dad. (The traumatic time of the year.) He was very vocal about how he thought I was always being a “sissy”. He didn’t like that most of my friends were girls, and that I showed no interest in the things that the neighborhood boys were doing. He couldn’t understand why I liked reading the same “Nancy Drew” and “Trixie Belden” mysteries as my sister. He would become angry when he saw me sitting in a chair with my legs folded under me (something that I didn’t consciously do). He would tell me to “stop sitting like a queer” and then follow it up with “stop being such a sissy” when he saw the tears in my eyes.

 

Let me just say that there was never a time in my life where I felt that Dad hated me for who I was. He never excluded me or treated me like someone not part of the family. BUT I knew without a doubt, there was also never going to be a time when he would accept my coming out as a woman. Dad died a number of years ago, and we were on good terms at the end.

 

Age 13 was also the year that I began to constantly look for ways to wear girl’s clothes. I was small for my age at the time and found out, to my delight, that I could wear nearly every item of clothing that my mom owned – and did just that whenever I could. And it wasn’t just my mom’s clothes – oh, no! NONE of my female friends or relatives were safe from my “dressing sprees”, LOL! Aunts…cousins…sisters and mothers of my friends…ALL unknowingly helped me learn things a girl needs to know, like how to fasten a bra behind my back…how to pull on pantyhose without causing a runner…how to walk in heels without breaking an ankle…it was a roller coaster year, full of extreme highs and extreme lows, but it was, without a doubt, the point in my life when I knew WHO I was. I just didn’t know what to do about it.

 

The roller coaster ride continued pretty much the same throughout my teen years, and I find it so amusing (and almost unbelievable) that in all those years, I wasn’t caught or walked-in-on when walking around in women’s clothes. I had one or two close calls, but as far as I know, no one knew my secret. That is, until I told a girlfriend at age 18.

 

Jenny was my best friend and had been since we were 15. A lot of people thought we were dating, and that maybe something serious would develop. Although we never used the term out loud, Jenny and I knew we were just girlfriends. We shopped, had lunch “dates” and sat together in church services, and were true friends. I’ve never had a friend quite like her since.

 

One evening one of my few guy friends and I were at Jenny’s house with her two sisters and her mom. Nothing special going on – just hanging out. Jenny modeled a dress she’d bought that day and as she was heading back to change, she asked me if I thought I’d look good in it! I said something like “we won’t know until I try it on” or something like that, so off we went. In her room, she said “you’ll need to stuff a bra to make it the dress look right” – and that’s when I outed myself. She handed me a cute little bra, which I immediately slipped on, reached behind my back, and hooked. She looked at me funny, and said “that’s not the first time you’ve done that, is it”? I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. I Sat down on the bed and said, “no – and I guess I should tell you something.”

 

I told her everything, and actually started to cry at the relief I felt in telling someone my secret. Jenny sat on the bed hugging me for several minutes, then said, “let’s get your dress on – you’ve got some modeling to do!” We laughed, and she hugged me again. “I love you and your secret is safe with me.”

 

Jenny hasn’t said a word about that day to anyone in over 40 years.

 

I still love her.

 

More to share as I continue to gather my thoughts…

 

 

 

 

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  • Forum Moderator

Your friend might have "seen" something that made her comment like that.  Otherwise it would have been a weird thing to say.  Outing oneself can be traumatic but it seems you did okay.  

 

Jani

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15 hours ago, Katie M said:

I told her everything, and actually started to cry at the relief I felt in telling someone my secret. Jenny sat on the bed hugging me for several minutes, then said, “let’s get your dress on – you’ve got some modeling to do!” We laughed, and she hugged me again. “I love you and your secret is safe with me.”

 

That is so sweet! 🥰

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6 hours ago, Jani said:

Your friend might have "seen" something that made her comment like that.  Otherwise it would have been a weird thing to say.  Outing oneself can be traumatic but it seems you did okay.  

 

Jani

You may be right, Jani...just because I'm not aware that I was ever "caught" - doesn't mean I wasn't! 🤪

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Sounds to me like you were lucky to have such a supportive friend in that moment. I can't imagine anyone I knew growing up being such a true and kind heart as that. Jenny seems like a rare bird, and your story is really heartwarming. ❤️

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14 minutes ago, Zelaire said:

Sounds to me like you were lucky to have such a supportive friend in that moment. I can't imagine anyone I knew growing up being such a true and kind heart as that. Jenny seems like a rare bird, and your story is really heartwarming. ❤️

Thank you - Jenny IS that very rare, one-of-a-kind friend - and I'm lucky to have her.💜

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