Hard to be Understood

[Sol]

I've already had several talks with my parents about my gender and sexuality and how I feel about certain topics like my mental health, but I'm frustrated and more than a little discouraged. 

My dad has been pretty great, mostly because he has a "It is what it is" mentality, and listens to what I'm saying without offering advice because I didn't ask for it. He's great for rants that way, mostly because he shuts up and just listens while humming or responding to show he's paying attention. But my mom has been the biggest issue with this. She offers advice that isn't helpful, and I know that not all advice is going to be, but it's that she doesn't understand where I'm coming from and doesn't listen to me when I try and explain it. 

The problem with that is that she decided to raise me and my sibling the opposite of how her parents raised her. Her parents didn't give her time of day, either working or drinking or what have you, while my mom is always there. She reminds us to do things constantly, takes care of our needs, offers advice and support, but too far in the wrong direction. In an effort to not be her parents, she went too far in the other direction, and I think that messed me up. She doesn't want to hear about the things I find interesting, but still says "I don't want to hear about a YouTube video, I want to hear about you," and doesn't understand that I'm trying to. That YouTube video was interesting to me, and I wanted to share what I learned, but I'm shut down. She doesn't want to hear about Minecraft, even if my sibling and I love playing it and sharing what we know about it. Our interests and things we find interesting or funny are a part of us, and she's made it clear that she doesn't want to hear about them. If she doesn't want to hear the good things, why share the bad?

The same goes for my gender and sexuality. 

I've known that I'm asexual for a few years now, and aromantic for roughly the same amount of time. But figuring out I was agender was a lot harder. I knew I didn't want to be a woman, but I made a mistake in assuming that if I wasn't a woman, I had to be a man. I'm not a man either. And I'm not both or something beyond that, I'm just off the spectrum entirely. I don't understand what it means to be a man, woman, both, or other. I'm neither and none, and every time I said I didn't care I was lying to myself and others because I never took the time to actually examine those feelings I've had for a long time. I feel too feminine for male groups, and too masculine for female groups. I'm not lesbian, butch, or a tomboy. I'm not a man, or a boy. It was so hard for me to accept, and I found agender thanks to someone on this site and some additional research, and I found a word for what I was feeling. I don't feel like anything. I'm me and that's it. I'm Sol and nothing else. And given how my mom reacted to me thinking I was a boy, I don't think that this would go any better. 

When she found I had referred to myself as "He/They" on a Google Slide, she told me "I know I gave birth to a daughter." She fails to see the problem with that statement, and I don't even know if she remembers saying it, as she acts like nothing happened. It doesn't matter what she sees me as, because the version of me in her head isn't my problem. That daughter does exist, but I think it's time to let her go because she has no place here now. I know why her opinion matters so much to me: she's my mother, I love her, and I've grown dependent on her while hating myself for it. I just recently told both of my parents this, "I think I hate myself," and I wish I had the strength to say "I hate who I am, I hate that I feel like a burden to you, and I hate that I can't be what you want and expect me to be." I'm tired and drained, and I feel like my own mind is betraying me every time my anxiety flares up or I can't focus because all I can think about is "They shouldn't have to deal with this, they shouldn't have to deal with me."

I was ashamed of my femininity for years, my periods cause me physical and emotional distress, and all I hear about it is "No woman likes her period." I'm not a woman. I've said I wasn't. Every "she" and "her" stick out like sore thumbs, and it's not painful, but it's numbing, and I don't know which is worse. 

I was told I was a "late bloomer" and "You haven't found your person yet" and "I didn't feel that until I met your dad," and "I didn't want kids until I met your dad." Let's break the statements down.

I'm eighteen years old, past the point where people tend to figure out who they're attracted to, as high school is rife with half baked relationships, romantic and sexual and otherwise. And I could never forget my first thought in freshman year, "I think I'll try dating. This is around the time people do it anyway." Not because I wanted to, not because I was attracted to anyone, but because it was socially expected of me to partake. I never did. I just never saw the point. And no one seemed to understand. "Are you dating a senior?" in response to a half baked manipulation attempt where I think my views and fears toward romance saved me in the long run. "You've never had a relationship, so you can't give advice," when speaking about an obviously toxic relationship. "You're heartless," in response to me saying that I didn't care whether a girl had been in bad relationships before, it didn't give her the right to police who her boyfriend could spend time with. My own mother looking at me like I had two heads when I asked why the business man in a romcom was the villain because he wouldn't give up a career he spent years building for a girl he was dating. I love to show how I care, I love to cuddle, and I love romance. But being in a romantic relationship is terrifying, and it comes with expectations of things that I never wanted with people I was never really attracted to in the first place. I want to be special to someone as more than a friend, but I've never wanted to date anyone. I want to cuddle on the couch after long days, wake up and make coffee for them even if I never liked it, I want to hear about their day because it makes me happy. I want to trade closed mouth kisses under fairy lights and lay skin to skin without expectations of going further. 

And I'm heartless, not qualified, confusing. I have a heart, I can offer advice when asked, and I don't think I'm confusing. 

Asexual wasn't much better. I thought I was a fake, all because I read erotic fanfiction and gave myself pleasure and had fantasies not for polite conversation. I still do enjoy those things, but I understand that I'm still asexual. I've never seen the point in sex in real life, never looked at someone and wondered what they looked like naked. Erotic art was beautiful, bodies were beautiful, but I never wanted to be touched where only I did, or do it to someone else. Nothing killed my libido faster, and fantasizing about people I knew made me feel sick and violating. The fantasies were faceless, the bodies were ambiguous and varied. And there was a disconnect between me and it. I could be aroused, but it was always the action, it was never the person doing it. I never felt the urge, and I doubt I ever will.

I found queerplatonic relationships and had an epiphany of "Oh, I want that." And I still do. I want it badly, because it was everything that I wanted out of a relationship beyond friendship or family. I've never explained this in such detail to my mother, I gave her the shortened version that I was never sexually attracted to anyone, and I didn't particularly care about sex or romance. And she was upset, almost crying even, when she told me "I just don't understand." 

I don't think she ever will, and I don't really expect her to. She wants to understand, and she does try, but I feel it's only putting a wedge between her and I. She found a record of a transgender man saying that he and his friends believed that nonbinary was an insult, that "they" or "them" undermined them, and I had to try not to cry. I don't now, but now all I can think of is "You get to be happy and be who you are, why are you insulted by others doing the same?" Everyone is allowed their opinions, but not if those opinions are hurtful. 

I am not undermining you. I don't exist as a foil or insult to you. I exist as a person, a person who has finally accepted who they are, and I can't even say it. I'm scared, scared that this will break my relationship with my parents, scared that they won't be accepting and scared that their love is conditional despite evidence on the contrary. It's easier to write this out than it ever is to say out loud, because I don't think I could say two words of this without breaking down into tears. And I'm scared that they'll say "You're too young," and "Focus on your anxiety first."

I know this is oversharing, but I don't know what else to do.

[Vidanjali]

I'm sorry you're hurting @Sol . You say your mother was determined to be the opposite of her parents whom she felt neglected by. You observe she overcompensates. Yet, you feel neglected. There are many forms of neglect such as denial and avoidance. Obviously, her motives are in the right place, but just being physically present and performing many actions doesn't imply she's successful in affording you emotionally intimacy and safety. She's doing better than her parents in significant ways. But, consider her capacity for emotional intimacy based on her experience growing up. It's not meant to excuse her; she literally may be doing the best she can at the moment. Therefore, you may wish to consider examining the nature of your dependence on her so that you may endeavor to be more dispassionate about how you're perceived by her. If she came out and embraced everything you are, would you only then be whole? Or are you already whole? You may not be able to connect with her the way you desire. But you can exert self-effort to learn how to unattach your self-worth from what your parents may or may not think about you. And you two can still enjoy loving each other on terms that are mutually comfortable and safe. It may not be so much a question of conditional love, as a question of boundaries. Some people just cannot go where you'd like them to go with you. It can be upsetting when it's someone who has a lot of sentimental value to you. But, just like anyone else, they may not meet your expectations. The serenity prayer comes to mind. May you have the serenity to accept what you cannot change, courage to change what you can, and wisdom to know the difference. 

[Sol]

I let it sit for a while, and I was in a bad mental spot and have been for the past several days when I wrote this, and I'm glad I did. And I'm glad that I read your comment, @Vidanjali. 

My mom definitely has her own problems, but I know that she does love me, even if she doesn't always understand me. We actually spent some time talking about things I did during the day, and having a laugh over the Witcher series. There's more good moments then bad, but it's been hard to see because all of us are under a lot of stress. And there are some things that I'm doing that aren't really helping anyone, like not being able to have a conversation with them because of my anxiety. And I do need to figure out how to detach myself from needing my parents', and especially my mom's, approval with everything in my life. The first thing I can think of is finding ways to build my self-esteem and self confidence. My mom is actually one of my biggest motivators, believe it or not, and I think now's the time to start believing what she's been telling me for years now that I couldn't because of my own self sabotage.

We did have a conversation at one point, with her point blank telling me "I love you, and I will support you if something makes you happy. My priority is making sure you're happy and safe, even if I don't understand it." Has she made mistakes? Yes, undoubtedly. Does that mean that she's wrong? I'd argue no. She's doing the best she can, even if it's not my best. I'm older, things are calming down, and I hope we'll have more to talk about in the future.

[Artpetal]

I was RELIEVED reading your post as you expressed yourself very well when you said you were agender. That you can say this means you're confident in who you are and you're getting to know yourself better as time goes on. I definitely can tell there's inspiration and strength in your post. Sometimes we learn about who we are by who we're not, for example, when you say you're not a man this resonates with me for sure.