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Introducing Mary


Mary

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I am quite far north of 65 years old. About 10 or 15 years ago I came out to my wife as CD. It was a huge shock to her, and we ultimately agreed that I would carry on, with her knowledge and support, but she didn't want to see me like that. When I recently wanted to shave my body she even helped me.

 

I went to see the only gender therapist in town at that stage (there was only one then), and really did not feel comfortable with his approach. I found a general psychologist who was a lot of help, but I think I might have taught her about as much as she helped me - which was a lot! After a couple of years I decided that my family was more important - we have been married for more than 40 years - and I pretty much carried on as before. Not really wanting to go out en femme, and not doing much more than CD.

 

A number of years ago my urologist found my testosterone was dropping, and suggested I go onto it. I did, but found it just made me lose my hair and made me more aggressive, so I stopped. I have now developed a hint of moobs, which I rather like!

 

However, recently I have come to realize that I am actually trans. Looking back I can see it from a very early age, but the society here at that time was ultra-conservative, and it was not something one could discuss - even if I had known there was such a thing, or even options.

 

I have never been hyper-masculine, and I am comfortable wearing jewellery, like rings and chains (European-style - actually acceptable if not common here on men) and going out with a handbag - which I have done for many years. This helps ease things a little.

 

The last thing I want to do is break the relationship with my wife - that is too important to me. But it is really hard. There are now more gender therapists in town, but they are young, and I'm not sure that I would feel comfortable with them. Also, I am quite well known in certain sections of the community, and they are likely to know  of me in my professional role (I am still working). That makes me feel rather awkward. So I'm hoping to find some solace and support here. Which, looking at all the posts, I am quite sure I will. Thank you in advance to everyone, and to the moderators for their hard and most valuable contributions!

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  • Forum Moderator

Thank you for sharing Mary.  

 Welcome

    I was 63 when i joined this group.  Like you i was a life long CD who would have gone on if not for the fear of loosing my spouse, family and community respect.  That was about 10 years ago.  Those 10 have been about the best of my life.  I did go to a GT with a younger cis woman and found the strength to move on into transition.  My wife and i celebrated 50 years of marriage last year and my teenage grandchildren call me Grandie.   

   Whatever path you chose is your own.  Many of us here never go full time but for some it fits and improves their lives.  Sharing with others here was amazingly helpful as well.

You are not alone!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

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Hi, Mary and welcome! There are many of us here who although we may have suspected who we really were, didn't "take the plunge" so to speak until later in life (I'm almost 61). As Charlize said, "you are not alone". All of us here (as diverse as we are) are happy to provide a support resource for you! I wish you all the best as you find your way!💜

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Welcome Mary.

My egg cracked later in life as well.

When I was young I didn't know what was wrong with me, only that I had to hide it.  So I went on and did what I was supposed to do… marriage, kids, job, etc.  I was also pretty transphobic.  Really I was afraid of myself.

I was never a "crossdresser" although I can't say the thought never crossed my mind.

I was in my late 60's when a terrified me put on a thrift store skirt, and the dam broke.  I very soon realized crossdressing was not enough and finally got up the nerve to call a clinic.

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Welcome, Mary!

 

I, too, figured it out late in life, after on-again-off-again cross dressing.  Like Jandi, I knew something was wrong early on in life, but didn't figure out what it was until I was 62. 

 

Five years later, I am living as my true self full-time.  All my records have been updated, and I am known everywhere as Kathy.  And I am known.  My wife and I live in a small fishing village, where everyone knows everyone else.  If anyone minds, they don't say so openly.  Most people are supporting or at least accepting.

 

I know that coming out is scary, but it can be done if it is what you wish to do.  In most places, the reality isn't as bad as your fears.  On the other hand, we will support you whatever you choose to do.

 

Regards,

Kathy

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  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Mary, and thanks for that lovely and well thought out introduction.  I know how hard it can be to come out even to others on a web site like this one.  Please do look around the forums and contribute your ideas and opinions, and if you have questions, we'll do our best to answer them.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Welcome, Mary.  Finding a way forward that works for you can indeed be challenging -- as you've remarked, work and marriage are important as well, so it can be complicated.  We're here to support each other, so as you feel comfortable, do ask questions and participate in ongoing discussions. 

 

I identify with the importance you place on maintaining your spousal relationship.  I've been married 47 years now, and it was very important to me to keep my wife in the loop by having joint therapy sessions with her.  We're in this together.

 

16 hours ago, Mary said:

There are now more gender therapists in town, but they are young, and I'm not sure that I would feel comfortable with them.

 

I came out just after retirement, age 69, and am now 73.  Therapists and doctors I've worked with are all, not surprisingly, much younger than I.  But they're professionals who routinely see people from all walks of life and, I would speculate, a fairly wide age range.  If they don't work for you, then simply move on to another provider. No shame there.  People change doctors all the time.  It's not necessarily true that a youngish gender therapist will not be able to relate to your story.  From what you've already stated, it has elements in common with many of us here, for example, so that it is not likely to be a unique case for them. And if you state to your therapist the topics and questions that are currently important to you, then that's a good starting point from which to judge if they're going to be a good fit.

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

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  • Forum Moderator
16 hours ago, Mary said:

So I'm hoping to find some solace and support here.

Hi Mary, Welcome to our forum. I was also a late bloomer for many of the same reasons you discussed here in your intro. It’s much more common than I ever knew. The existence of forums like this one allowed me to see just how common it really is…contrary to what I once believed. So I hope you feel comfortable knowing that we support you completely no matter what you decide for yourself.

 

16 hours ago, Mary said:

There are now more gender therapists in town, but they are young, and I'm not sure that I would feel comfortable with them.

We had a 29 year old (at the time) gender therapist in our local trans support group until covid started. She was young but very knowledgeable and helpful within the group. I understand the concern for life stage differences and their understanding of your specific situation. I wouldn’t discount these new therapists based solely on age as there is a lot of new research and much more understanding about this topic than ever before. You might even consider giving one of the new gender therapists a try in your area for a session or two just to see if they’re worth their salt. If you could bring your spouse and slowly introduce some of your developing needs with this professional, there might be a chance to open up a new conversation into these areas surrounding your possible transition with your spouse. Communication is key to change and understanding. I wouldn’t lose hope because as long as the need and desire to be yourself is present, you’ll always have a chance.

 

It’s truly a pleasure to have you here with us. I hope to read more about you and your upcoming journey if you so desire. Thank you for sharing. We’ll see you around.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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Thank you everyone for the support and advice.

 

Our youngest got married this weekend, we are in the middle of a huge house renovation, and my wife has just prolapsed a disc in her neck!!!!!!

 

So I guess this isn't the right time to tackle this with her, at least. I will let the stresses die down first. But in the meantime I will try to get to a gender therapist.

 

I am known on national media (although not all that well), so the prospect of being made into some sort of symbol (a la Kaitlyn Jenner - not that I would have the temerity to compare myself to her) is not something I easily contemplate. Maybe after I have retired, and am a bit out of public memory.....

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On 2/23/2022 at 5:45 PM, Mary said:

I'm hoping to find some solace and support here.

Hi Mary! and Welcome! 
I am sure by now you have realized (just as I did 2 years ago) that you have found the Right place.

Your story sounds so much like my own that I feel like we are Sisters-from-another-Mother.  So, I know of the struggles you have experienced and are still going through.  THERAPY was the BEST thing I ever have done for myself (and in many ways for my wife, otherwise things could be worse I imagine).  So I encourage you to follow that path if at all possible.

Hoping your wife is better soon and I understand about Life events and work/professional environment (same here), but I have found the best thing is finding Self-Acceptance and wellness.

 

Very happy you have found your way to this point and to this Forum❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time
 

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