The First Time You Questioned Your Gender

[Heather Shay]

@Heather Nicole thank you for sharing. I can relate to a lot of your story. Again thank you so much for the post.

[Ivy]

14 hours ago, Ertha said:

 I've had my beard for almost 20 years...  I grew it to avoid shaving, be more "natural" and if I'm honest to portray to the world "look you don't have to question if I'm man enough, I've got fuzz on my face!"

Me, except closer to 50 yrs.   

[Ivy]

6 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

Second thought: "!!!!!! OMG, I would sooooo totally try that if it were real!!! That would be sooo COOOL and amazing!!!!!"

As insane as it seems, there is a spell that I still repeat regularly.

 (Although it probably only contributes to my own insanity)

[KathyLauren]

I wish I had questioned my gender!  It would have made things so much easier.  Instead, I accepted that I was a man because everyone said so, and wondered instead why I liked to wear women's clothes.  I figured that I was just defective.  Not good for the self-esteem.

 

It didn't occur to me that I might be trans.  On the rare occasions when I thought of trans people, I thought of celebrities like Christine Jorgensen or Renee Richards.  But they were rich and famous and there were only, like, half a dozen of them in the world, right?  That couldn't be me.

 

So it was only in my 60s that I really started thinking about what it all meant.  I was 60 when I attended a conference and, for the first time, saw a trans person who wasn't a celebrity being perfectly normal.  It was an eye-opener.  That was what got me questioning whether that could be me.

[Vidanjali]

1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

I wish I had questioned my gender!  It would have made things so much easier...I figured that I was just defective.  Not good for the self-esteem.

 

The distinction between awareness of different-ness & questioning one's gender hits home for me. Thanks for sharing, @KathyLauren . I suppose I did not actually start to question until about 2019. Before that, I was continuously, unwittingly whittling away at my self-esteem. I reached a point where I realized I had to let go of all conceived and perceived expectations of myself and efforts to force myself to be "normal" - it became clear to me that that was a path of inevitable destruction and that there had to be a better way for me because otherwise I believed I would not be able to keep living the way I had, hating myself so very much. The decision to drop all the performance and the beliefs that I was broken came as an epiphany - I felt for the first time the power to be me, whatever that was. Once I let all that go, revelations about sexuality and gender came rather rapidly - they were just under the surface ready to emerge. I was on a pink cloud for some time, learning more about self-love than I ever imagined possible. 

[Heather Shay]

the replies here have been so richly rewarding in that I know I'm on the right path now after what seemed like an eternity of walking on spark stone roads in my bare feet.

[miz miranda]

I can't say that I never had 'inklings' earlier in life, however, for me it was 4 years ago at 64. I literally began seeing myself wearing a dress and makeup as someone in a photo, movie or TV show. Not just once but multiple times per day. After a few weeks of this it occurred to me that I may be transgender.

 

I had always felt a bit of an outcast who never really fit in anywhere. I struggled with feeling good about my self worth and experiencing emotion. Since beginning therapy about a month ago, I can see how I was fighting with myself. I am still struggling with how & why I feel this way, but I have begun accepting that what I feel is real.

[LaurenA]

I'd have to say it was about 50 years ago when I was in college.  Times were different back then and barring Christine Jorgensen, transgender was not a thing.   And most definitely not something talked about.

[Ivy]

32 minutes ago, LaurenA said:

Times were different back then and barring Christine Jorgensen, transgender was not a thing.   And most definitely not something talked about.

I guess that's the "Good Old Days" some folks want to go back to.

[Heather Nicole]

7 hours ago, Heather Shay said:

@Heather Nicole thank you for sharing. I can relate to a lot of your story. Again thank you so much for the post.

 

I'm glad you appreciate it!

 

5 hours ago, Ertha said:

I don't know how many fantasies I've had over the years of "poof" you're now the opposite gender and it makes me feel happy.

 

Yeah, definitely the fantasies! I was always drawn like a magnet to any gender-bending/body-swap types of fiction. I'd live vicariously through them, wishing something like that could be possible for real. I imagine that one is probably common to a lot of us. Or I'd fantasize about having such a close connection with a girlfriend that we could switch bodies at will. You know, just for funsies, and for emotional intimacy, and to "broaden our horizons" as more well-rounded people! Certainly couldn't be that I was trans, or repressing things, or "in the wrong body" or anything, right? lol

 

And then there were the medical fantasies, like maybe a doctor would tell me I was intersex all along and had been "corrected" to male at birth (because, in my mind at the time, it would take something like that for me to have a valid, justifiable excuse to transition.) Or maybe one of those medical mixups you hear about, only instead of it being an accidental amputation, I'd "luck out" and it would be a vaginoplasty! (Yay! lol!) Or testicular cancer, and they'd both need removed, which would not only make the issue of preserving fertility a completely moot point, but it would also (in my mind) maybe give me the opportunity to decline both testosterone and prosthetic testes. Now, in retrospect, maybe that last one really should have clued me into something, I mean...Jeez, how many people ever have a cancer fantasy, of all things! Oh, the mental gymnastics we sometimes do fit into cishet-normativity!

 

6 hours ago, Ertha said:

Okay so I can probably keep conjuring these recollections, but my point would be, for the longest time I've thought that I just had a "transformation fetish" and the idea that it was so strongly rooted in my preferred gender identity IRL was going over my head (self awareness weakness)

 

Yes!! It took awhile for me to really, fully, notice that my fantasies about transformation really did involve much more than just...*ahem*..."playing" with my new body. It was very easy to dismiss such fantasies as just a kink. I mean, after all, "I'm a straight guy! Of course I love 'gal parts' and find them incredibly, irresistibly fascinating, and continually wonder what it would be like to have them!"

 

I never understood why other straight guys didn't seem to have the reverence for those body parts that I did. "I must be just that great of a progressive, open-minded guy!" lol

 

5 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

The decision to drop all the performance and the beliefs that I was broken came as an epiphany - I felt for the first time the power to be me, whatever that was. Once I let all that go, revelations about sexuality and gender came rather rapidly - they were just under the surface ready to emerge.

 

Yes, I've gradually found that to be a very important, powerful part of figuring out one's own self: To recognize that things like "I would do this if..." or "I wouldn't be doing this if..." are, in fact, either parts of your true self that you're repressing, or parts of a false facade that you're wearing. Your true self isn't defined by how you ARE dressing or acting. Your true self is who you'd be if you're completely free from external pressures and limitations. It took me a long time to start grasping that, but the more I did, the more I've been able to be understand myself and that, yes, I am validly trans even despite the occasional self-doubt.

 

5 hours ago, miz miranda said:

I had always felt a bit of an outcast who never really fit in anywhere.

 

Definitely me too. Even at, for example, the comic/etc conventions I've been to. I enjoyed them, but I felt like an outsider among outsiders! That was a weird, and very uncomfortable feeling.

 

[Ivy]

32 minutes ago, Heather Nicole said:

Of course I love 'gal parts' and find them incredibly, irresistibly fascinating, and continually wonder what it would be like to have them!"

I asked my wife what it was like to have boobs.  

[Jackie C.]

24 minutes ago, Jandi said:

I asked my wife what it was like to have boobs.  

 

I find when you ask a lot of women this question you get some very unfavorable answers, "Too big and sweaty," for example.

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

She said "they're just there"

[Ivy]

I do know a cis lady who had a reduction though.

 

As for myself, they're not impressive, but I'm glad they're there.

[Jani]

10 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

I wish I had questioned my gender!  It would have made things so much easier.  Instead, I accepted that I was a man because everyone said so, and wondered instead why I liked to wear women's clothes.  I figured that I was just defective.  Not good for the self-esteem.

 

So it was only in my 60s that I really started thinking about what it all meant.

This is me.  I went through life oblivious to what it all meant.  I thought I was just odd (defective as you write).  I never considered this to be normal, until it was!  

[Michelle_Anne]

At age 48 now for me it was about three or four years ago.  For the longest time before that I’d always entertained the idea of being with another man of the right opportunity arose.  But that was never a constant thought.  But one day I was on a LGBT forum and for whatever reason I started reading the posts in the transgender section.  The more I read the more I wanted to read.  I soon started wondering and saying to myself “hey this sounds like me”.   From that point on all I wanted to do was read about peoples journeys.   I started realizing all these childhood experiences of wanting to play with girls all the time instead of boys and like dolls etc etc actually meant something.   There’s so much more to type but don’t want to bore everyone. 

[Ivy]

Been thinking about this subject a bit more.   

One of my earliest memories is wanting to be a girl.  I don't have many early memories, but I remember that.  I was probably under 3… can't really say.

But that wasn't really questioning I suppose.

[Guest]

For me, I knew at a very early age. I read everything I could get my hands on about the topic. Back then it was sensationalized, like the Christine Jorgensen story, and other stories. I knew deep down, but then I wondered if I did this or that, that maybe the intense feelings would just go away. I also doubted I could successfully transition. Back then, unless you were rich, it was difficult because transition surgeries were considered cosmetic procedures and not covered. I would keep hoping for a magical solution that never came. Without question it changed my life. I also had enough harassment as a child and did not want to entertain more. I wasted the bulk of my years. I know some of you admire your accomplishments as a male, but if I could care less about that life. It has no particular good memories. I am moving on and I am on my path to be who I am happy with. That feeling is just so grand.

 

Sincerely

Katie

[Raven Moon]

I was really young... maybe 5? That's when it started. Probably around the age when you first notice there are different sexes. As I got older I would feel I was supposed to have been a girl. It's something I never told people. And I didn't understand it. When I was a tween I'd shoplift girl's clothing. I was too embarrassed to buy it. But sometimes I did. 

 

Then I started to learn there were other people like me. But honestly it's been my entire life, and it's something I'd think about on a daily basis. 

[WillowA113]

Well mine’s kinda weird. My dad gave me the birds and the bees talk when I was 8. Before then, I thought everybody had a thingy in between their legs. After he told me only half the population had that thingy, I wished I were part of the other half. 
I always felt there was something wrong with me, and that was the first clue. 
I tried rejecting the idea. My parents brainwashed me into conservative christianity at very young age and I believed them, because parents are supposed to know everything, right? I did everything I could to seem like not just a normal boy, but a cool boy. I remember one birthday there was vanilla and strawberry ice cream. I said “I don’t want the pink ice cream because it will turn me into a girl”, but I was secretly desperate for even a lick of that. I just said that to throw them off my trail. Another thing is that I played a game with my siblings where I was called “the boyish king”. I made that up to make people think I was more boyish because I was convinced they would hate me if I wasn’t. Every time I did that I thought to myself “I wish I could be the girly king, or maybe even the girly queen”. I also told my siblings that I loved to be a boy and I’m glad I was. I was lying to everyone including myself. I thought telling them would convince me it’s true and cure the “sickness” of wanting to be something I thought was impossible for me to be. 
Dysphoria got much worse when puberty started. I remember in 6th grade I had a crush on a girl and at the same time I wished I was her and I daydreamed about how both of those could happen simultaneously. I daydreamed about putting Hermione’s hair into a polyjuice potion (I had a crush on Emma Watson too). I dreamed about being a scientist that could make a machine to swap my gender. Lots of daydreams. Night dreams too. 
The farther I got with puberty, the worse the dysphoria got and the more I wished I could magic all my problems away. Because I thought magic was the only option. Other than being trans, but trans people are pure evil, right? That’s what I was told. 
In 2020 I met a trans person on discord. At that moment I considered doing what my parents would do: call them a terrible person. But I didn’t. When they said they’re trans, I thought about all the uncomfortable feelings I had. I had to know if I could stop it the same way they did. They explained things to me and it automatically clicked. Trans people are just that; people. And I’m one of them. After that I researched and learned the truth about trans people and myself. I stopped pretending to want to be the most boyish boy. I stopped the transphobic behavior I thought I had to do to make my parents proud. I’m a girl and even if people won’t acknowledge that, my personality will at least act like how I want it to. Soon it will be more than just personality. It will be everything people see. 
Sorry about how long this is I just have a really good memory and I like to write. 

[Davina JG]

I remember being too young to understand the difference between boys and girls. I have three brothers and I always thought all boys felt the same way. I didn't know I was different from other boys until I was about 6 yes old and stayed to understand the differences. I remember asking my mother why I can't just be a girl. She treated it as a huge joke. All my brothers, cousins and family friends treated me as the joke of the family. I was 6 yes old. By the time I was 13, I knew something was different. I just didn't fit in, had no friends and constantly got bullied and beaten, but my wife who had known me since we were young, always knew. She's my rock now. Take care all. 

[Yuuki]

I was about four years old when I told my father I felt like I was supposed to be a girl. He didn't say anything, but later that evening took me down to the campground and marched me down a dirt path to an old water tower abandoned in the 70s. He told me if that's how I felt, I could climb up, jump inside, and stay there.

[Jackie C.]

2 hours ago, Yuuki said:

I was about four years old when I told my father I felt like I was supposed to be a girl. He didn't say anything, but later that evening took me down to the campground and marched me down a dirt path to an old water tower abandoned in the 70s. He told me if that's how I felt, I could climb up, jump inside, and stay there.

 

Well, that's horrifying. I'm sorry that you had to deal with that sweetie. The 70s were... not a great time to be trans. I'd also like to say that your sperm-donor is any number of things that the word filter won't let me say. The most important rule of parenting is: "Love your child." It boggles my mind that so many parents have trouble with that.

 

Hugs!

[Davie]

This is one of the most liberating, horrifying, and wonderful threads I've ever read. Thank you all. You made me cry—in a good way.

Love,

Davie

 

[Ivy]

4 hours ago, Yuuki said:

He told me if that's how I felt, I could climb up, jump inside, and stay there.

Even in my transphobic days, I never understood this kind of thinking.

 

Anyway, Welcome Yuuki.