Is it about appeareance or what is it about?

[Cortomaltese]

Hey everyone, this is my first post, I'm not so good with the terminology just yet and I'm not a native speaker but I do my best!

 

I often feel uneasy about myself but not really about my appearance and I wonder if I could be transgender. I have a quite androgynous face and I'm not very tall (1,62 m) I guess because of my italian heritage and people sometimes think I'm a female tomboy. I never wear makeup or such so I personally don't think I look feminine and I like the way I look.... still I get that a lot and I wonder if it has something to do with my personality. For example many times I'm not comfortable around a group of men when they behave in that aggressive sort of way (like bigger better etc.) Just also because of my height that's a bit stupid because they overlook me. But I don't know if that's cultural too because I lived in Spain during a time and people are smaller there so I was more comfortable. Also I don't feel in the right place in groups of women who talk stereotypical womens stuff either. I like to be with one person at a time because that way I can talk more personal. So right now I'm basically wondering if I'm feeling uneasy because of stereotypical patterns in society of if there is something about me. Does anybody know anything about that?

 

Cheers,

Corto (I use a nickname because I don't want to share my real name but you can call me Corto here)

[Jackie C.]

Well Corto, you could just be introverted. Nothing wrong with that. I'm an introvert too. I'm not comfortable in large groups unless they have a certain energy (lesbians and gamers for example), and I don't like small talk either.

 

However, I've always been more comfortable surrounded by women. One or two men are OK, but in groups they tend to feed off each other and I do not care for that vibe at all. Masculinity does nothing for me. It feels like being crushed under a rock. Feminine expression is liberating and you could almost mistake me for an extrovert until my batteries go dry (I can be social for about six hours before I need to crawl back into my cave). I'm much more comfortable expressing myself in a feminine way.

 

Of course I'm a very feminine person so your mileage may vary.

 

Hugs!

[Cortomaltese]

Hey Jackie, thanks for your answer.

I guess you're right and I'm introverted, I don't mind small talk much when it's with one single person, then it's the same for me if they're male or female. That crushed feeling you talk about I do get it in groups though. Would you mind telling me what you find liberating about feminine expression?

Sometimes I think everything gets to me more than it should, I cry really fast (and I'm ashamed of admitting that and don't want anyone to see it) I know other men who used to cry and stopped and now they can't anymore but I don't seem to get to that point although I'd really like to.

Also I can't see anything suffer not even plants or insects, when I see that it's like I was in their place, I don't want to watch the news either for the same reason. I've never seen anything like that in other men I've known, but some women I've met seem to be closer to that.

 

Thanks again and cheers

Corto

 

[Jackie C.]

Oh and you're an empath as well. Yeah, I absolutely hate to see suffering of any kind.

 

It's hard to describe really. I just fit in better when I'm being feminine. I prefer the styles. The manner of dress. The modes of expression. I feel more fully myself when my brain is swimming in estrogen. I read very girly. I always have. it's where I fit.

Love a good cry though. I don't care if anybody sees it. Since I've been on E, I've learned I can cry so hard that no sound comes out. It's not pretty, but I embrace fully expressing my emotions.

 

I'm also cute AF. 😉

 

Hugs!

[Cortomaltese]

Hmm so you think the hormonal change has had an impact on your readiness to cry or your relationship with it?

That's really interesting. Do you think it had and impact on your ability of being empathic as well?

For me, the crying thing I just can't have it. It makes me feel pathetic but I can't help it until now. I woulnd't want to ask people I know about it much either so I wonder if they have similar problems or not ...

 

When you talk about styles you mean a certain kind of behaviour? I think I didn't understand that one fully. I wonder if people at first glance think I'm "feminine" just because of my face/height or if I'm transmitting something I'm not aware of. Because I really don't wear (and woulnd't feel like it) clothes that are designed for women. I don't even wear tight clothes because I want to be comfortable (and I'm still in university so there is no dresscode)

 

Cheers,

Corto

 

[Jackie C.]

The hormones DEFINATELY had an impact on my emotional state. They come much easier now and there are nuances and flavors that I was unaware of on testosterone. Basically T made my brain glitch. Same for the empathy I think. I could empathize before but not as easily as I can now. Now it's like breathing and I'm not always to tell if I'm feeling my own emotions in a group or if I've just sort of absorbed them from the people I'm talking to. That is in no way a complaint.

 

Like I said, it's hard to describe. There's a certain feminine energy around me. There always has been. When I'm allowed to explore it, I am a much happier person. You seriously wouldn't recognize me from the person I was before I started transitioning. I smile for example. My appearance has very little to do with it. I express it in the way I move, the way I talk and the way I swim through the world. I'm 5'11", I weigh about 200 pounds. I lift weights so I'm by no means small and weak. I still rarely get misgendered despite 48 years of soaking up testosterone. I'm a woman. Always have been.

 

Hugs!

[Cortomaltese]

Okay thanks I think I got it now. Sounds like you can really go with that energy that's amazing, from what I read you sound really happy! It intensified with the hormonal change, but somehow you knew it had been there before. And you think you haven't smiled that much before, would you give that to the hormones too or is it more that you are overall happier now or a combination of both?

 

I can smile easily and I'm not ashamed of that really, I like that. But that also means that a lot of the feelings you accomplished through hormonal therapy I have them already ... that confuses me to be honest ... maybe I should have my hormonal levels checked?! I also have migraine frequently and I thought it came from stress or because I'm having doubts about myself, but maybe it has something to do?

 

About you height and weight, you must be an impressive person! I like sports and I walk outside a lot but I never lifted weights, I only weigh 106 pounds (had to use the converter for that). Sometimes I do body weight exercises but maybe I should give that a try.

 

Cheers

Corto

[Jackie C.]

Like I said, my brain glitches on T. It doesn't glitch on E. It's kind of like when you put diesel in your car where only unleaded should go. The lack of glitching leads to a truer expression of myself. Without hiding myself, I'm a much happier and outgoing person.

 

Now you absolutely could have hormonal weirdness. I have an intersex friend and that's how it hits her: Her body just produces too much testosterone. My niece doesn't process estrogen correctly. I'm probably androgen resistant (I haven't been tested and my body no longer produces male levels of androgens so it doesn't matter anymore). There's a LOT that can be going on with your hormones and I'm always an advocate for, "If something doesn't feel right, talk to your doctor."

 

Impressive is a good word. There's a little extra fat around my middle from when I was heavy, but overall I'm just a big, strong girl. I find that to be pretty awesome. I get the best feeling in the world when a guy looks at me and the gym and says, "Are you going to lift that?"

 

Hugs!

[Mx.Drago]

1 hour ago, Cortomaltese said:

Hmm so you think the hormonal change has had an impact on your readiness to cry or your relationship with it?

That's really interesting. Do you think it had and impact on your ability of being empathic as well?

For me, the crying thing I just can't have it. It makes me feel pathetic but I can't help it until now. I woulnd't want to ask people I know about it much either so I wonder if they have similar problems or not ...

 

When you talk about styles you mean a certain kind of behaviour? I think I didn't understand that one fully. I wonder if people at first glance think I'm "feminine" just because of my face/height or if I'm transmitting something I'm not aware of. Because I really don't wear (and woulnd't feel like it) clothes that are designed for women. I don't even wear tight clothes because I want to be comfortable (and I'm still in university so there is no dresscode)

 

Cheers,

Corto

 

 

Men do produce estrogen, in small amounts. Women however, have low testosterone levels and high estrogen production. It's the fancy internal natural balance stuff.

Hormones do change the bodies abilities, it's a matter of the resources/fuel type your body absorbs. Physical social environments guide and maintain particular aspects, developed over generations of adaptive growth. Estrogen does have the affect of making your body more sensitive in reaction. However, if you are prone to showing emotions, doesn't mean you're being hormonal, you just feel more than the other specimens you've encountered. Crying can make you feel vulnerable, cuz it's your visibly displaying your limit of containment. Therapy can helps, doctor visits are for helping in general. The thyroid gland can be a troublesome thing.

If you like your physical features, than your comfortable with yourself. Height doesn't matter, it's how you carry yourself. Yes, in Latin cultures, when bulls and bucks knock heads, being big does have it's advantages. (Me: Italian/Sicilian/Cuban/Spaniard😶) It could be because you're physically short, thin, and attractive, that people mistaken you. Maybe a nutritionist and some gym time could help bulk you up, if that's your worry. You'll need to eat well. Don't let the words of others deter you from your self confidence. Love and care for yourself, so you can give that love and care to others.

[Sally Stone]

I would say hormones play a big role, but as someone who isn't on HRT, I find that my feminine side strengthens when I'm in certain social situations or when I focus on feminine self-expression.  Over the years, I have learned that by giving in, to my desire to be feminine, fuels that desire even more.  So, while I think hormones can push someone farther in one direction or the other along the gender spectrum, I still believe internal "mapping" accounts for most of our desire to express as masculine, feminine or in between.

 

Corto, it sounds like you are one of those people who could be happy expressing either, or both genders.  Clearly you have a blend of masculine and feminine personality traits like I do.  I am a little jealous of you though, that you are physically androgynous; I sure wish I was.  My masculine traits are a challenge to camouflage.

[KathyLauren]

8 hours ago, Cortomaltese said:

Would you mind telling me what you find liberating about feminine expression?

 

For me, it is that feminine expression, whether it is in clothing, in speech, or just in how I am perceived by others, feels effortless.  Male expression, on the other hand, back when I was trying to do that, was hard work.  No matter how I tried, I could not do it successfully enough to pass.

 

That fact alone was enough to convince me that my transition was the right thing to do.

[Cortomaltese]

Thank you a lot for your answers everybody!

 

@Jackie C. & @KathyLauren What you say about expressing yourself sounds similar. It was like before you were trying or playing a role that was fake somehow so what you experience as liberating is that now you just do what you feel and it fits more with a feminine context, is that right?

What I don't like about purely "male environments" (in lack of a better word) is that it feels one is constantly competing, it's like if you give in you lose somehow. But I guess women compete as well among each other. I like competing but only when there is a reason for it (like in a soccer match etc) okay you put your mind on "compete", afterwards you shake hands and go on with your life. Same for courting, if you're not brave enough to be fast enough and don't impose yourself all the time, you don't get anywhere (I'm in stable relationship now so that was more of a problem when I was younger)

 

@Sally Stone I wonder how it would be for me if I had a less androgynous appearance like you do, so people wouldn't mistake me, funny how that goes. Maybe I would perceive less pressure to keep up .. I wonder if I SHOULD want to look less androgynous. I don't like it so much but just mind a bit when people mistake me I wonder if it should bother me more.  I wouldn't want to look more feminine though. How do you manage that having both masculine and feminine traits.. could you pinpoint them or don't you really know?

 

@Mx.Drago thanks a lot for that post, it kind of gave me some ease, especially the whole thing with the hormones. I had some problems with thyroids almost ten years ago but that was only a side effect on a remedy I had taken and now they are back to normal (or at least were last time I checked) might be worth investigating though. I think I would like to bulk up a bit but I hope I wouldn't look like a try hard then .. !! I'm not so keen on overcompensating and looking ridiculous afterwards, but well I guess I should be able to tell the limit. Eating well would be a challenge I usually don't like eating much (but I don't have a eating disorder as far as I know) Do you have some experience with that?

 

Cheers,

Corto

 

[Sally Stone]

3 hours ago, Cortomaltese said:

How do you manage that having both masculine and feminine traits.. could you pinpoint them or don't you really know?

For a very long time I didn't manage both traits and it caused me great stress.  I was born male, and while I enjoyed being male, I was overcome by periods of intense desire to be female.  I struggled with these feelings because in my mind I thought I needed to choose one over the other.  After much soul searching I realized I would never be happy transitioning fully one way or the other.  I realized I was bi-gender and have learned to embrace the positive traits of both.  I love possessing the empathy and the sensitivities of a woman and I have incorporated those traits into my male persona.  I believe doing this has made me a better person. 

 

I am also amazed at how easily and how well I can assume my feminine persona.  The feminine mannerisms and the body language are so natural to me and they feel right, so I know it is much more than acting.  And while I love being feminine I also love being a husband and father and doing typically male activities. 

 

I'm certain I could function very effectively as a woman full time or a man full time, but I know without a doubt, I could never be happy.  Knowing this, I just went with my feelings and embraced both of my personas.  It is what works for me.   

[Jackie C.]

4 hours ago, Cortomaltese said:

@Jackie C. & @KathyLauren What you say about expressing yourself sounds similar. It was like before you were trying or playing a role that was fake somehow so what you experience as liberating is that now you just do what you feel and it fits more with a feminine context, is that right?

What I don't like about purely "male environments" (in lack of a better word) is that it feels one is constantly competing, it's like if you give in you lose somehow. But I guess women compete as well among each other. I like competing but only when there is a reason for it (like in a soccer match etc) okay you put your mind on "compete", afterwards you shake hands and go on with your life. Same for courting, if you're not brave enough to be fast enough and don't impose yourself all the time, you don't get anywhere (I'm in stable relationship now so that was more of a problem when I was younger)

 

EXACTLY! Though I don't really compete with other women. I'm either in cis/het spaces where I'm not seen as competition because everybody knows I'm very, very gay or I'm in Sapphic spaces where we all support each other. Either that or my experience is atypical and my friends are just THAT great. I'm only in competition with myself and I don't want to live any other way.

 

Hugs!

[Mx.Drago]

@Cortomaltese Women are always competing, just in a different manner (less physical head budding, more focused accessories and mind games). It's more a competition of acquiring the things to make you look good and valuable.

To me it seems, you're aiming for less androgyny. 🥺I love eating, but when I get really depressed eating becomes painful. You need to eat well, otherwise you undernourished your body and it can causes problems with how you metabolize your food, as well as other health issues.

Eating before and after doing a workout routines helps. Food eaten is fuel, then needs to be replaced after burning through it. Try to keep your body on a food and workout schedule, and keep a dairy, so you can remember your steps and show your nutritionist.

See a nutritionist, to get a proper base of what your body needs, they can also give you tips on what diet might help you for bulk building. However, you need to find foods you like and feel are rewards so to get you motivated to eat. What foods do you like?

Don't be ashamed of working hard to care for your boat(body). If you have experience with thyroid issues, you're doing what is necessary for your health. Don't let people bully you about you working. They want to be lazy nasty empty heads, that's their own and doctors issues.

At first it won't look like much is happening, but it takes a few weeks of doing a workout routine to start seeing changes. Eating meat, dairy, and grains helps. Breakfast very important. Running is ok, but not too much cuz it will lean you out, cuz it burns your resources quick.

Work out sets should be more for upper body, arms and mid body/core. If the gym is too out in the open, you can now get these resistance bands with a door anchor, so you can do workout sets at home. Got mine from Amazon for cheap.

I look feminine and I'm short, 5'2", but I wear a lot of bulky clothing and I make it my business to carry my own weight and somebody else if necessary. I have hypoglycemia(sugar regulatory issues) and beta thalassemia minor(blood disorder, naturally anemic), so I have to be aware of how much working out I do, and there's a limit. I myself try to go for a more androgynous look. Big broad shoulders, solid upper and tight lower, but I'll always look soft and curvy. It's not ideal, but it's the boat I got and sail with.

[Cortomaltese]

@Sally StoneSounds like you really put a lot of effort into figuring yourself out. One should think that one knew themselves but it's such hard work to dig into one's own mind. So you think your empathy and sensitiveness comes from your feminine side, it couldn't go together with your masculine one? Because that's basically where I'm struggling I guess. Can you cry when you feel masculine or do you have to switch to your feminine persona?

When I reflect on it I don't think I feel more feminine when I cry, but rather angry with myself ...

 

@Mx.Drago Thanks for the advice, I think finding a nutritionist might be easier in the States, here it's not such typical thing but I'll look if there are some around, it's difficult to move about much right now because of the pandemic and I live in a small village with 1 bakery and that's it so I'd have to look a bit farther away. I basically eat a Mediterranean diet, I always eat grains and nuts in the morning (but real grains nothing processed) and a lot of fruits and vegetables throughout the day with some bread or rice or pasta. Meat I don't like so much but fish I do eat. I used to eat more milk products but they gave me acne so I reduced them a lot.

When I had problems with the thyroids I was constantly fatigued and it took my doctor a while to figure out where it came from because my blood was ok. But I haven't had that ever since. You surely have to struggle with those conditions you have. Doing sports must be especially challenging with that, my honest respect for keeping up!!!

 

Actually running was always my first option for doing sports ... I like the exhaustion that comes with it and it's easy here because I have a forest next door but yeah it doesn't make me look stronger I guess. I'll look up a routine like you recommend and give it a try.

Anyway it's not like I desperately want to change my body form, I didn't mean to give that impression!

 

 

I though a lot about everything you guys said yesterday and today, I think it's helping me to get a clearer picture so thanks again for that.

I've never actively felt I wanted to be a woman but the way I am sometimes seems so different from other men I know so that's what's been making me think. I've always had that strong empathic streak also as a kid and when I entered puberty I remember it was even worse because it got mixed with plenty of aggression which I didn't want to let out on others and which made me want to isolate myself. I'm over that now I guess but somehow not, it's like I couldn't really find peace with myself if that makes any sense. I love drawing when I do that it's like my mind flows onto the paper but the result rarely has a definite shape. Its like I can't really give myself a definite shape in my mind. I don't know if it has to do with gender but it seemed I had to take it into account.

 

Cheers

Corto

 

 

 

[Ivy]

Welcome Corto

[Sally Stone]

2 hours ago, Cortomaltese said:

One should think that one knew themselves but it's such hard work to dig into one's own mind.

Corto, you couldn't be more right about this.  Digging deep into our mind is very hard work, but I think it is necessary if we want to get get to our true feelings.  I worry sometimes that many of us grab onto the feelings of others because we don't have the courage or the patience to really evaluate our own feelings. 

 

2 hours ago, Cortomaltese said:

So you think your empathy and sensitiveness comes from your feminine side, it couldn't go together with your masculine one?

I think it is perfectly reasonable to have these feelings and still be well on the masculine side of the gender spectrum.  I just think they are more pronounced in me, which makes me me think I am closer to the center, therefore they influence me more like they would a woman.  Who really knows though.  Maybe I have it all wrong, but it seems a reasonable set of conclusions to me and I am at peace with myself, I'm in a happy place, if you will.    

 

2 hours ago, Cortomaltese said:

Can you cry when you feel masculine or do you have to switch to your feminine persona?

Honestly, I rarely cry, so I don't think tears are a particularly good gauge of my femininity. 

 

Corto, I am really enjoying this exchange.  Your questions challenge my sensibilities, which motivate me to keep exploring the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind.  I think this is a healthy endeavor, so I thank you for the stimulating questions.  

[Mx.Drago]

@Cortomaltese
A dumb forgetful American I can be 😅... I forgot about other countries having different medical focuses/standards. Maybe try finding a doctor who is known or specializes with athletes health, to get some blood work analyzed. See if they can do face time through zoom or talk over the phone. I saw reports of how strick and difficult it was to move around in Italy. Hopefully soon things will get easier.

If you're a runner, being lean helps, and if you're short you feel the extra weight when you put it on. I can't run, wish I could, but I definitely can walk for long distances. I got a bit heavy being stuck indoors, but after walking it off helped me move again. Your town sounds nice and small, but it must be wonderful to get fresh foods, especially that bakery.🤤

All fish is a great source of protein. I crave fish, it's my weakness, but have to watch out for mercury build up.

If milk dairy isn't good, maybe try goat cheese/milk or yogurt, but it's not too important. Dairy is a complicated food group that honestly people need less of as they get older.

Lentils/beans/chickpeas are also good for protein, as well as eggs and pasta. 

Now about this crying thing...

Men can and do cry. Yeah there's still a lot of social stigma around the idea of "men crying" in many countries. It's all a form of bullying and is something that needs to be left behind with the rest of those other old crazy expected habits. It causes unnecessary stress holding in and burying those feelings. That anger you feel, is from stress and frustration building up, just let it go. Just do the tears and get it out of your system so you can move on. If other people around you can't deal with it, politely excuse yourself so you can do what you need away from the annoying thin skins.

However, I think your mood problems might be from you not eating enough or your body not getting a particular nutrient. Please try to eat well and get sun. Sunlight helps the body turn cholesterol into vitamin D, which is a very important mood stabilizer.

Researchers have studied the association between foods and the brain and identified 10 nutrients that can combat depression and boost mood: calcium, chromium, folate, iron, magnesium, omega-3 fatty acids, Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Vitamin D and zinc. It's a fascinating balance needed but each person is different in their specific levels needed. Talk more with your doctor and hopefully they can help shed light on the issues. Eat well and be happy, enjoy that running.🤗

[Cortomaltese]

@Mx.Drago No not a problem at all I don't know that much about the American healthcare system either. You're really good with nutrition, that was a lot of helpful information! Yeah Italy was struck pretty bad, I'm not living there though but in Germany but here it's been intense too and really strict. (Not as strict as in Spain in the beginning, when the whole thing begun I was still there and they didn't let us leave the house for 2 months straight so I was glad when they opened the borders again). I did know about Vitamin D and sunlight, the German winter does give me the blues but I try to get as much as I can, but I guess I'm pondering more now than I'd do during summer. Chickpeas I like I eat them frequently and I make farinata sometimes with chickpea flour! I'll focus more on nutrition now though I haven't had taken it into account so thanks ...!!

About the crying men do cry but I just have it so often and so fast because of unnecessary stuff and I don't think I'm depressed! If I had a depression maybe but just in everyday life like really, because of whatever stuff and  sometimes even because I'm happy. I plainly don't know anybody who's that emotional. I can't get over that and I don't get why. Crying in public would be impossible for me. Maybe because of what other people would think of me but also because of myself.

 

You seem to be a really resilient person. You have to cope with such heavy health issues and still you're that positive about stuff that's great. Thanks for building up my courage!!

 

@Sally Stone Thank you Sally, I'm enjoying it too. I've come to the right space to tackle these issues and your support is great ... it's mad how people can converse over half of the world to find a solution for their problems nowadays !!

You're right about how there is always pressure from outside and there is no other way than reacting to that in whatever manner. And as you go deeper you leave more and more people and things behind until you are finally alone inside, it's like ones issues are held in the very core but as one gets closer one can't carry any weight. There's an french artist who's called Jean Giraud or Moebius and he drew a series which is called "inside moebius", so there he's basically in his own mind space which is called the desert B and he has a small bunker where his characters come visit him or which they try to find, but he's constantly escaping because they remind him of his own issues and sometimes he's annoyed that they don't act the way he would like them to. I thought that was a great allegory.

 

You write you like being a father ... do you think your relationship with you child(ren) has an influence on you feeling masculine in that area? Or rather do you think if it weren't for them that feeling woulnd't be so strong or would it?

 

@Jandi Thanks!!

 

Cheers,

Corto

[Mx.Drago]

@Cortomaltese

Farinata sounds delicious. Whatever gets you eating. I don't think you're depressed either, but it definitely sounds like something is missing. Do you sleep well? When I get extra, it's mainly cuz my body is low in magnesium which leads to low serotonin levels, then Emotional Pompeii.

Hopefully after a visit to the doctor and some blood tests/thyroid check, maybe will uncover the mystery and balance will be restored.

Sadly, in the States Healthcare is insane and capitalism doesn't help. To keep yourself well you end up having to be your own specialist/doctor. I try to stay positive and resilient, but I'm also plenty stubborn.😤🙃 Sometimes it takes being your own steam power to push yourself through obstacles. Run free!🤗

[Cortomaltese]

@Mx.Drago I guess the thing with being you own doctor or else paying through the nose was true in any place I've been so far. Magnesium I've supplemented before I know I'm low when I get muscular ache. I'm definitely going to get a general check-up, my sincere thanks for your patience and advice!

 

Cheers,

Corto