Name me

[Cubeology]

I see a lot of different kinds of gender identity in recent times but I really don't know how to classify myself. I am reasonably old (54) and grew up in a place and time that there wasn't a name or even a concept of transexual that I was aware of. If a guy showed a lot of femininity he was simply gay or homosexual, and there simply wasn't any other category that I knew of. My sexual interest is completely toward women and would go as far as saying that I find the idea of intimacy with a man to be repulsive. So if I was ever to publicly consider my effeminate side it was countered by a strong desire to not be thought of as gay. So while sexually I have normal male desires, psychologically I am 100% female and this has never been a doubt in my mind. I'm even a girl in my dreams at least those in which I am even aware of my gender. I can emphasize with women and struggle to do so with men. I choose to read novels with female protagonists. When I was younger I was fascinated with girlly things, especially clothing and jewelry, in fact I was often mistaken for a girl because I had long hair (it was the 70s) and liked wearing jewelry even though I was dressed in generic boy clothing. 

 

Things might have been different if I didn't have much greater problems than gender dysphoria. I learned from a very young age to pretend to be something in public that was different from what was really happening inside me and what was going on at home. I had a very abusive mother and a distant father because he was a workaholic. My mother was very Christian as well as most everyone else I knew and I lost any of these beliefs as a teenager. They probably would have accepted me being a girl before me being an atheist. I also started having bipolar behavior as a teenager as well, although I wouldn't get diagnosed for another decade. Abusive Christian mothers and absent fathers aren't likely to recognize the need for therapy especially back then. Upon graduation I was ejected, quite willingly from my parent's home, but struggled and joined the Navy as a solution for these problems. I did not fit in when it comes to military life and upon reaching my first posting after boot camp and school I found myself bullied. Perhaps it was partly my fault, I probably acted different than most, primarily because of my mental health issues. I suffered quite a bit of abuse from a gang of six for six months, a combination of physical, mental, and a little that would be considered sexual. I eventually was kicked out, I think mainly because it was easier than looking into my complaints. After that for some years my life was very confused including a brief marriage and some periods of homelessness. I eventually got diagnosed bipolar during a rather intense psychotic manic episode. It took more than a year but I eventually achieved a relatively stable life in my late 20s. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, and occasional mania but live a reasonably normal life partly because I am very good at hiding what is going on inside my head. Even now I don't consider changing my outward gender, I have been playing the role I have for so long I wouldn't be comfortable changing at this point.

 

I have done quite a bit of introspection learning to live with mental health issues, and perhaps because I have dealt with these deeper concerns, I have started to think about other issues about my personality such as gender dysphoria. I don't know even how to label what I am and hoping someone give me a label or even some understanding because this has for so long just been a private internal feeling. But now with the more open society we have, maybe I can talk about it, perhaps talk with people who understand. So how do you classify someone who was born male, has typical male sexual desires toward women, has lived a long life as a man, but hiding that all other respects feels he has always been a woman inside. I imagine that there are other people with similar stories, it would be interesting to meet such people.  

[Robin.C]

Hi Cubeology, as you wander around the site and read the stories and information you may find your history is not so dissimilar to many others.

Maybe not exactly though pretty close. 

I would recommend a therapist firstly.

And as you are in the US the relevant page of this forum will give you links to those available I believe.

Someone more familiar with it will be along soon enough 😊

 

Until the 1990s I had no idea what transgender was and only in the last 3 years that it could be me. Same dreams, always hoping one day to wake up as a girl/woman. Preferring women's company to men's and yes I would now consider myself lesbian. Life is an odd mis-mash of people, orienations and genders.

 

Anyhow g'day and welcome.

 

Hugs

Robin

 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Cubeology.  Welcome to Trans Pulse!

 

Well, aside from your unique mental health challenges, your story is just like mine.  Attracted to women?  Check.  Repulsed by the idea of intimacy with men?  Check.  Joined the military?  Check.  Marriage?  Check.  Identify as feminine internally?  Check.  A lot of your story is also mine.

 

You ask what we would call someone like you.  Well, I called myself transgender, and I think the term fits you, too.  That is not a recommendation for what you should do about it.  Perhaps doing nothing is the right thing for you.  Or perhaps you need some way to accommodate the feminine in your life.

 

Seeing a gender therapist would be a great way to explore what your needs and wants are in terms of expressing your gender.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Charlize]

Welcome.  I remember being certain i was unique and crazy because while i felt i should be a woman i wasn't attracted to men.  I remember dressing and going to a gay bar.  A man bought me a drink and immediately propositioned me.  
I quickly mentioned i was a lesbian and he let me alone.  I must admit i enjoyed that free drink.

You are not alone!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KayC]

On 3/6/2022 at 4:35 PM, Cubeology said:

So if I was ever to publicly consider my effeminate side it was countered by a strong desire to not be thought of as gay. So while sexually I have normal male desires, psychologically I am 100% female and this has never been a doubt in my mind.

Welcome @Cubeology!  Just like as @KathyLauren said, I can relate to a LOT of your similar feelings.  I have also come to realize that gender identity and sexual identity are totally different things, but I understand where you are coming from.
I think you will find this great Forum to be very helpful, as I have.  Specific gender therapy has also been tremendously helpful for me and many others. 

 

Its sounds like you have already reached a certain level of self-acceptance and that's a great thing.  But we never finish changing and growing so I hope you can continue your journey.

Deep breaths ... one step at a time❣️

[Sol]

Hello, @Cubeology! (Can I call you Cube?)

The best advice I can give is self reflection, and you seem to have that down pat! Figuring out what I did and didn't want helped me, and I had dreams where I was different from how I look in the present too! Granted, I'm biologically female, but I'm agender, and that took me some time to figure out. 

Gender identity and sexual and romantic attraction are different, and there's no shame in trying out new things (with respect to your boundaries, of course). 

Welcome to TransPulse!

[Cubeology]

Thanks for all the kind replies. I think way back in the late 80s and 90s I was searching at least subconsciously for where I fit in and if my sexual orientation matched my feminine nature I would have found my place among that segment of the gay world who liked to wear makeup and crossdress which I imagine that's where many who would identify as trans today found a place at that time. But since I wasn't attracted to men this scene turned me off. Despite this I ended up with an unusual number of gay friends, even having gay roommates on two extended occasions. Perhaps I felt a comradeship with them even if I wasn't attracted to them physically. In fact my pretense of acting like a normal man probably wasn't as good as I thought because most people thought I was gay, even my family at one point. I am glad that society has become a much friendlier place for people with atypical personal expressions of gender, at least among decent people. There will always be a sad vocal minority of people who want to destroy the lives of people who are different than they are.