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45 minutes ago, DonkeySocks said:

I don't think it's really thread necromancy if the thread was intended as an occasional check-in and chat thread. :) Personally I'm doing pretty well, although I had some hidden gender identity anxiety about a visit with my husband's family, and I realized that I was feeling exhausted and anxious about seeing them because we'll be meeting at a restaurant. I've asked most of my side of the family--I still have a brother and one very questionable sister in law to go, but let's pray she's actually more tolerant than she seemed last time this came up--to use the proper male pronouns for me, but I haven't asked my husband's family. And I'm not going to, in a restaurant. Given his brother's penchant for talking loudly about controversial subjects and being somewhat unkind when in a group (he's much nicer privately), I realized my anxiety was stemming from being in public and talking about pronouns. So I feel much better since I decided just not to bring it up with them. Talked to my husband about it and he gets it, he's had to deal with his brother his whole life. I'm standing up for myself and my pronouns around my mother, and that makes me feel good.

 

I get you, man.

 

My husband's family still hasn't gathered that I'm a man. They still call me by the wrong pronouns and refer to me as his "wife". To be fair, though...I'm not exactly out to everyone yet. I'm still presenting as my birth gender around most people, but I plan on changing that once I have enough money to get a proper haircut (bills were killer this month...). I already have masculine clothes, a binder, and a packer. Once the hair is lopped off, I'll be all set. :)

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52 minutes ago, NashySlashy said:

Once the hair is lopped off, I'll be all set.

Yes, in my experience, short hair = male and long hair = female, to the vast majority of people in the USA, at first glance. (Mine is currently quite long. Doesn't really seem to matter how masc I dress otherwise, but when I had short hair, I passed as a very young man.)

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@DonkeySocks I can understand the anxiety around extended family. I don't see most of the people in my family very often, so I struggle to think of what is appropriate to tell them.

2 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

I'm standing up for myself and my pronouns around my mother, and that makes me feel good.

Great to hear this!

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2 hours ago, NashySlashy said:

Once the hair is lopped off, I'll be all set. :)

A fresh haircut is always something to look forward to!

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Btw, I hope y'all don't mind me dropping in on this thread from time to time - I don't ID as a man, but as nonbinary and possibly a touch of trans masc. I just appreciate a place to talk about our intersecting issues.

 

To wit, an update on chest dysphoria. The shirt I was wearing in that photo which triggered the recent dysphoria went right into the donation bag - bye bye. I decided that if I'm seriously considering any kind of top surgery, then I can certainly be disciplined to lose a few pounds, and that will reduce boobage to some extent. I'm not overweight, but was about 8 lbs more than the weight I prefer to be at the time the photo was taken which triggered me. I've lost 2 lbs so far. I gained weight, ironically, not because of the pandemic, but because concurrent with that, I started having issues with my feet which prevented me from walking as much as I usually do. That's getting a little better, but since I'm not as mobile as I used to be, I'm now making a concerted effort to limit calorie consumption. Also, I've been collecting a few light weight short sleeve button downs to wear over a tee shirt - this hides the side boob watermelon effect pretty well and makes me feel more handsome. Overall, I'm feeling more hopeful about the situation. 

 

Question. When you're presenting masc or masc-ish and you're not out to family (or friends), do you ever wonder or worry what they think? I'm pretty sure people in my life have noticed a change in my appearance over the last few years. When I was younger and presented masc or androgynous (not knowing I was trans, but just because that's how I liked to express), I frequently got pegged, and sometimes got made fun of, for being a lesbian, which I'm not. (Trying to refrain from going off on a tangent regarding how conflicted and self-loathing I felt for so long...) Moreover, I know my husband accepts me (this took an awful lot of strife, but we're there now...) and thinks I'm cute, but I sometimes get paranoid that others feel "sorry" for him that "I've let myself go" or some such. I'm very much working on not caring what others think - it goes hand in hand with greater self-acceptance. However, I still struggle with it when it comes to my husband - I feel haunted by the past in ways - things from when I was younger & things he's said to me before he learned to be more accepting. Please forgive me if this brings up anything painful for anyone. I really need folks to talk with about this because I don't have any trans guy or trans masc friends irl. Thanks for listening. 

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18 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

Btw, I hope y'all don't mind me dropping in on this thread from time to time - I don't ID as a man, but as nonbinary and possibly a touch of trans masc. I just appreciate a place to talk about our intersecting issues.

 

To wit, an update on chest dysphoria. The shirt I was wearing in that photo which triggered the recent dysphoria went right into the donation bag - bye bye. I decided that if I'm seriously considering any kind of top surgery, then I can certainly be disciplined to lose a few pounds, and that will reduce boobage to some extent. I'm not overweight, but was about 8 lbs more than the weight I prefer to be at the time the photo was taken which triggered me. I've lost 2 lbs so far. I gained weight, ironically, not because of the pandemic, but because concurrent with that, I started having issues with my feet which prevented me from walking as much as I usually do. That's getting a little better, but since I'm not as mobile as I used to be, I'm now making a concerted effort to limit calorie consumption. Also, I've been collecting a few light weight short sleeve button downs to wear over a tee shirt - this hides the side boob watermelon effect pretty well and makes me feel more handsome. Overall, I'm feeling more hopeful about the situation. 

 

Question. When you're presenting masc or masc-ish and you're not out to family (or friends), do you ever wonder or worry what they think? I'm pretty sure people in my life have noticed a change in my appearance over the last few years. When I was younger and presented masc or androgynous (not knowing I was trans, but just because that's how I liked to express), I frequently got pegged, and sometimes got made fun of, for being a lesbian, which I'm not. (Trying to refrain from going off on a tangent regarding how conflicted and self-loathing I felt for so long...) Moreover, I know my husband accepts me (this took an awful lot of strife, but we're there now...) and thinks I'm cute, but I sometimes get paranoid that others feel "sorry" for him that "I've let myself go" or some such. I'm very much working on not caring what others think - it goes hand in hand with greater self-acceptance. However, I still struggle with it when it comes to my husband - I feel haunted by the past in ways - things from when I was younger & things he's said to me before he learned to be more accepting. Please forgive me if this brings up anything painful for anyone. I really need folks to talk with about this because I don't have any trans guy or trans masc friends irl. Thanks for listening. 

We don't mind at all! Make yourself at home. :)

 

I haven't really presented as masc yet, though I do wear manly clothes, have hairy legs, and have worn a packer out in public. I purposely chose a small one because I didn't want people I knew to look down at my crotch and call me out. I'm taking it slow in the transitioning process. I just know, when I do go all out with my appearance, it's going to turn some heads and make those who know me question me. But I do have A person who knows I'm trans. And they are accepting. So that's a step in the right direction. :)

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2 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Also, I've been collecting a few light weight short sleeve button downs to wear over a tee shirt - this hides the side boob watermelon effect pretty well and makes me feel more handsome. Overall, I'm feeling more hopeful about the situation. 

Yes, button downs over T-shirts work great! And if you need more support/coverage, you can wear a tight undershirt under the T, as well.

 

2 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

I sometimes get paranoid that others feel "sorry" for him that "I've let myself go" or some such.

I think that there's a sexist discrepancy in our society, that men can't wear women's clothes, but women can wear men's clothes, so even when you're not out, people either don't notice or, if they notice, they lean toward the lesbian assumption, that is pretty common unfortunately. More visibility for trans men will help that, and we can only get that when it's safe to do so, it's kind of a catch-22. I haven't had exactly the thought you've had here, but all kinds of related ones, and it really stems from misgendering ourselves. We're judging ourselves societally as women (and we know how damaging that can be for cis women, as well). If everyone knew you were a trans man (or nb, or masc femme or anything), would you suppose they would think you were a handsome trans man, or nb? When we think others won't think we're pretty women, that we'll somehow be offending them with our looks, then we're assuming we have to be either women or all the way out as trans, which isn't true. We're trans all the time. Judge your looks based on that. Other people don't know everything that your husband gets out of a relationship with you. If you knew someone was cis, and didn't look conventionally beautiful, would you think they were disappointing their spouse? I think you would probably assume there's more to a relationship than looks.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling. I guess it comes down to, you are imagining what others think, coming up with a possibility that misgenders and judges you, and then wallowing in it--I've been there numerous times. You don't even know what they're thinking. If they think those things, let them. Imagine if they outright told you that you were not good for your spouse. How would he defend you, and how would you defend yourself? Would you even think you had a reason to defend yourself? Would it be worth the bother for someone who doesn't know about your relationship? Isn't your relationship your business? And if they don't outright tell you, they might not even be thinking it.

 

If you're ever insecure about how your husband feels about your looks, I think it's totally fine to actively ask him for affirmation--but first affirm yourself, as a trans/nb, not as a conventional cis female. If it's really causing discomfort and trouble, consider seeing an nb-friendly couples counselor.

 

Someday in this country it will be normal for people to say, that's a good-looking nb. You can do that for yourself, in the mirror. It takes practice. Again, I know, I keep on having to remind myself to think of myself the way I actually identify, not as how I think other people see me. That's up to them. Which is hard to remember. But it is possible, and then you will automatically be more charming.

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2 hours ago, NashySlashy said:

But I do have A person who knows I'm trans. And they are accepting. So that's a step in the right direction.

Sometimes one is all you need!

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4 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

Yes, button downs over T-shirts work great! And if you need more support/coverage, you can wear a tight undershirt under the T, as well.

 

I think that there's a sexist discrepancy in our society, that men can't wear women's clothes, but women can wear men's clothes, so even when you're not out, people either don't notice or, if they notice, they lean toward the lesbian assumption, that is pretty common unfortunately. More visibility for trans men will help that, and we can only get that when it's safe to do so, it's kind of a catch-22. I haven't had exactly the thought you've had here, but all kinds of related ones, and it really stems from misgendering ourselves. We're judging ourselves societally as women (and we know how damaging that can be for cis women, as well). If everyone knew you were a trans man (or nb, or masc femme or anything), would you suppose they would think you were a handsome trans man, or nb? When we think others won't think we're pretty women, that we'll somehow be offending them with our looks, then we're assuming we have to be either women or all the way out as trans, which isn't true. We're trans all the time. Judge your looks based on that. Other people don't know everything that your husband gets out of a relationship with you. If you knew someone was cis, and didn't look conventionally beautiful, would you think they were disappointing their spouse? I think you would probably assume there's more to a relationship than looks.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling. I guess it comes down to, you are imagining what others think, coming up with a possibility that misgenders and judges you, and then wallowing in it--I've been there numerous times. You don't even know what they're thinking. If they think those things, let them. Imagine if they outright told you that you were not good for your spouse. How would he defend you, and how would you defend yourself? Would you even think you had a reason to defend yourself? Would it be worth the bother for someone who doesn't know about your relationship? Isn't your relationship your business? And if they don't outright tell you, they might not even be thinking it.

 

If you're ever insecure about how your husband feels about your looks, I think it's totally fine to actively ask him for affirmation--but first affirm yourself, as a trans/nb, not as a conventional cis female. If it's really causing discomfort and trouble, consider seeing an nb-friendly couples counselor.

 

Someday in this country it will be normal for people to say, that's a good-looking nb. You can do that for yourself, in the mirror. It takes practice. Again, I know, I keep on having to remind myself to think of myself the way I actually identify, not as how I think other people see me. That's up to them. Which is hard to remember. But it is possible, and then you will automatically be more charming.

 

Thanks for this thoughtful and candid reply @DonkeySocks . In my heart I do believe that fear is an illusion caused by projection. I have layers of trauma and internalized phobia to dig through. Each time a new layer emerges, I try to be grateful for the opportunity to let go. Sometimes it takes a village, so I appreciate you. And, I DO practice seeing a handsome nb in the mirror! I don't think I ever put it in words, but I do in fact do that. It's nice. In fact, I've been taking selfies recently because I plan to paint a series of self portraits. Should be therapeutic. Peace. 

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On 6/30/2022 at 5:01 PM, NashySlashy said:

 

I get you, man.

 

My husband's family still hasn't gathered that I'm a man. They still call me by the wrong pronouns and refer to me as his "wife". To be fair, though...I'm not exactly out to everyone yet. I'm still presenting as my birth gender around most people, but I plan on changing that once I have enough money to get a proper haircut (bills were killer this month...). I already have masculine clothes, a binder, and a packer. Once the hair is lopped off, I'll be all set. :)

I feel what you're saying.  I haven't even figured out pronouns yet.  My husband's mother calls me "it" which is really irritating. 

 

I think you'll find that hair is pretty easy, depending on your style.  My husband actually cuts mine these days.  He's a real wizard with a pair of scissors and a $25 clipper from Walmart.  He cuts his own hair with two mirrors.  The shorter you cut it, the easier it seems to be to manage.  Once you're more confident, you might give it a try.  If you mess up, you can always adjust it shorter since it grows back 😉 

 

 

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2 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

My husband's mother calls me "it" which is really irritating. 

That is more than irritating.  It is…  I don't even want to go there.  It is at the least infuriating to me just hearing about it.  It is dehumanizing.  

I'm sorry you have to hear this from family.  It must hurt.

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9 hours ago, Jandi said:

That is more than irritating.  It is…  I don't even want to go there.  It is at the least infuriating to me just hearing about it.  It is dehumanizing.  

I'm sorry you have to hear this from family.  It must hurt.

It is a bit much sometimes, but I don't usually get worked up about it.  I understand that her belittling of me is because she has a wounded soul from her own upbringing. I'm merely the latest target.  

 

Her 1950s view of life is simply irrelevant and not worth confronting.  I make myself scarce until she's gone when she's in a mood.  

 

The good thing is that my husband's kids have learned to be more kind.  A couple of the young daughters even asked her, "Grandma, why are you being mean?" She was startled by being confronted by children. 

 

I'm pretty confident that the next generation is turning out just fine. ☺️

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1 hour ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

"Grandma, why are you being mean?" She was startled by being confronted by children. 

This is a good sign.

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@awkward-yet-sweet I admire your rather compassionate understanding of your MIL's behavior. And I think it's awesome that the kids are calling her on it. I also have a lot of faith in the younger generation. Obviously, we can't generalize any group of people, but for one, we have kids being parented by people, many of whom are making great efforts to break the legacy of fear and anger based behaviors and beliefs inherited by previous generations. Also, if you ever need a humorous coping mechanism, you might pretend she's using "it" to denote how fresh and iconic you are, like you are the next it thang. 😉😎

 

Also, that's so cool your husband cuts your hair. When I first met my husband, we were teenagers. He had beautiful long wavy grunge hair, and I had a shaved head - go figure. Our paths crossed over the years, and we eventually got together and later got married at age 40. Since we began dating, I've always cut his hair. He prefers it very short now, and says if I don't cut it, that he'll just shave his whole head - apparently a barber is not an option, lol. I used to cut my own hair with two mirrors, like your husband, but I've been trying to find someone to do it for me because of an issue with my shoulder. I've been through several stylists, and for some reason one side of my hair always comes out longer than the other. Then, I wind up fixing it myself when I get home anyway. I've been thinking about going back to a modified version of my 90s undercut which would be pretty easy for me to do myself - or to ask my husband to do since it would be a uniform length all around. 

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@Vidanjali  I know enough about my husband's mothers upbringing to have some empathy.  To her credit, she did better with her son than her parents did with her.   My husband's grandparents were apparently so bad that he never got to meet them until he was an adult.  Undoing unhealthy patterns sometimes takes 2-3 generations, so overall I actually think she succeeded as a mother even if she is abrasive and dislikes me. 

 

Ultimately, I think a lot of life is about perspective.  I'd rather have a partner with abrasive parents than a bad partner.  At the end of the day, Dr. Seuss would say it is "mind over matter."  Because "the people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind."  She goes home after a while, and I get to curl up next to her son and she just can't fathom it.  I win! 😆  Easy win too, since all I have to do is exist. 

 

Thanks for the idea on being the "new it thang."  I might actually use that!  And if your hair comes out a bit lopsided, the trick is to make it intentionally so.  It is kind of fashionable.  You could be the new trendsetter if you really went for it with gusto. 

 

 

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things have been alright recently. cut my own hair a few days ago instead of going to my hairdresser whom i came out to last month. haircut wasn't the best, but i refused to go back to my hairdresser bc last time i went, he started asking me wayy too many questions abt when i'm going to get surgery "down there" & insinuating that i'm just a lesbian even after i told him i've never been attracted to women. yes, he asked me this not long after i came out to him. no, i couldn't get a word in edge-wise to tell him to shut up. it's extra annoying too because he's an openly gay man, so i naively assumed that there would be some support there. however, he did not even bother using my pronouns, and doesn't use the correct pronouns of the trans people in his life while telling stories. it's really just irritating to have to deal with all of this while trying to maintain a haircut that doesn't drive me crazy. maybe i'll just cut it myself for a while, who knows? 

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18 minutes ago, Spencer Phoenix said:

things have been alright recently. cut my own hair a few days ago instead of going to my hairdresser whom i came out to last month. haircut wasn't the best, but i refused to go back to my hairdresser bc last time i went, he started asking me wayy too many questions abt when i'm going to get surgery "down there" & insinuating that i'm just a lesbian even after i told him i've never been attracted to women. yes, he asked me this not long after i came out to him. no, i couldn't get a word in edge-wise to tell him to shut up. it's extra annoying too because he's an openly gay man, so i naively assumed that there would be some support there. however, he did not even bother using my pronouns, and doesn't use the correct pronouns of the trans people in his life while telling stories. it's really just irritating to have to deal with all of this while trying to maintain a haircut that doesn't drive me crazy. maybe i'll just cut it myself for a while, who knows? 

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Your hairdresser should be ashamed of himself for treating you that way.

 

My husband is kind of the same way, unfortunately. Multiple people (including myself) have told him that I'm trans and he STILL refers to me as "a beautiful woman" and "his lovely wife". Then again, that's partially my fault because I haven't been able to really present as male yet. That's gonna change this weekend, though...getting my hair cut short. :)

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On 7/1/2022 at 1:09 PM, DonkeySocks said:

Yes, button downs over T-shirts work great! And if you need more support/coverage, you can wear a tight undershirt under the T, as well.

Brb, about to go stockpile these clothing items...

 

Man, dysphoria been kicking me in the shins recently. I get very self conscious about my appearance. If I'm in a casual setting I can grab the cargo pants and binder/hoodie, and I'm GOLDEN. However, at work we're expected to look more professional. With the commute and long hours, binding seems like a bad idea. Some days it's hard to focus, it feels like my brain is going at 100mph at all times. One of these days it will shut up...

 

Seriously though, gender affirming clothing is great, but it is crushing when you catch a strange angle of yourself and suddenly feel terrible. I need to stop looking in reflective surfaces and convince myself I look manly af. Never pegged myself as someone who would get on HRT quickly but my voice is really bothering me these days too, and training is difficult to be consistent with... Man.


Sorry for ranting, I just don't have anyone irl to talk to about this.

 

On a more positive note, gonna invite a bunch of my uni friends over later this week, who I haven't seen in a few months. We're gonna watch some movies and play some videogames. I can already tell it's gonna be a disaster. So hyped.

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13 hours ago, Roach said:

Brb, about to go stockpile these clothing items...

 

Hopefully some of this will be helpful regarding your clothes for work:

 

Go a size larger than normal for the button-down, size smaller than normal for the undershirt. Use a tank top undershirt, then there are no sleeves to pinch behind your armpits, so you can easily go a size down for a snug fit. Also it's less likely to show another collar or sleeve under your T-shirt. The T-shirt can be your normal size.


If at work you are allowed to unbutton and untuck your overshirt, then you are in great shape, because the sides of the button-down shirt then fall right down the sides of your chest and hide both front and side curves. If you are required to tuck it in, be sure and get a large button-down with plenty of length to it, so it does NOT lay smooth against your chest when tucked in. You tuck it in and blouse it out well along your waistline so you have a lot of breathing room in front. Basically you need to be able to use your professional, confident posture correctly, be able to hold your shoulders naturally instead of slouching to hide your chest. Standing confidently will make you feel good as well as look good, and if your shirt is loose enough (or ideally unbuttoned), it won't betray you when you stand in a relaxed, confident manner. Also, solid dark colors help, but if you can find a nice professional looking print button-down shirt, prints also help disguise folds and curves.

 

If you have to tuck in your shirt at work, be really picky about your slacks. Wear only the kind that lay flat in front, the unpleated kind, so they don't sort of puff out around your hips and front. Try them on walking around and sitting down, to test this. If work allows it, black jeans solve this problem.

 

Don't be afraid of the mirror. Pick out something you like about yourself each time you see your reflection. :) How many people you look at each day could you detail the appearance of? Nobody's paying as much attention as you are--and if they are paying attention, it's because they think you're cute. If they're looking in detail at your clothes, it's because they like the way your clothes look! (And if that isn't true, might as well interpret everything in your favor anyway.) Good luck! You're already successful in so many ways. You can do this!

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I finally got my hair cut!

 

It's not as short as I'd hoped it would be (there was a bit of a language barrier with my stylist and myself). But it's manageable. Besides, its much shorter than it was before, which is all I can ask for.

 

Baby steps. :)

received_835313967852720.jpeg

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@NashySlashy Your hair looks great!

 

In my experience, stylists don't take you seriously when they see you as having long, lovely locks and you ask to have it cut off. They won't really know what you mean when you say "short", or they'll be in denial, unless you specify the length or show them a picture. I guess they don't want you to say they went too short! Hopefully it will work out when you go for another cut. But it looks great now. :)

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17 hours ago, Roach said:

@NashySlashyYooo! Your hair is such a sick color. Looks great 👍 

Thank you! :)

 

14 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

@NashySlashy Your hair looks great!

 

In my experience, stylists don't take you seriously when they see you as having long, lovely locks and you ask to have it cut off. They won't really know what you mean when you say "short", or they'll be in denial, unless you specify the length or show them a picture. I guess they don't want you to say they went too short! Hopefully it will work out when you go for another cut. But it looks great now. :)

 

Yeah, I tried telling her that I wanted it just a little below the ears and she seemed confused by that. So she made it a bit longer than expected. But I'm satisfied by its shortness, nonetheless.

 

Thank you! :)

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A happy hair tale to tell. I set about cutting my hair last week. I've cut my own hair successfully hundreds of times. But, with my disability issues, it's become more difficult for me. My energy kinda pooped out before I could finish. What I had was an incomplete undercut. I'd wound up taking the #2 attachment on the clippers to the back and sides. It's been years since I've gone that short. I blended the sides and front nicely, but was too tired finish the back. So, I called the salon I've been going to. The stylist I usually see, although she is very cool, I think doesn't really get what I'm going for & to be fair, I may not have figured out how to communicate it to her. I asked for an appt with whomever was next available. Next morning, at the salon, the first person I ran into was my regular stylist who owns the shop. She was totally cool and said they all work as a team there, and that she felt I'd be in good hands with the stylist I had the appt with because he specializes in barbering. Well, the new stylist and I totally hit it off. He actually complemented what I did with the front and sides, said he understood 100% what I was going for, AND that his hair is the same texture as mine and that his style (which was tied up at the time) was basically a long version of mine. I told him right off the bat that I'm nonbinary and that I prefer a masculine haircut. He hooked me up. I was and still am so happy with the haircut. I'll continue to see him. The greatest thing, though, was that whereas in the past on the occasion I'd cut my hair super short, I'd suffer terrible guilt and shame because I did not know myself and did not understand why I was compelled to "sabotage" my appearance. This time, even with a half complete haircut for one evening, I was hardly bothered. In fact, I had this existential moment. I was asking my husband if HE was upset. He insisted he wasn't, and I realized that in observing myself to not be upset, I concluded that I must be missing something. If I was not upset then I really must be crazy and probably had unwittingly upset others. But, no. It was all fine. It was a fascinating experience all together. The established norm in my mind was "this is going to be emotionally devastating". Not only was it not, but it was euphoric - I realized I'm a much more integrated individual than I used to be & now I have a dope new barber! I was a little worried about the "upsetting others" or being perceived as crazy aspects the next day as I prepared to go to church to sing in the choir. But, I got lots of compliments on my hair from both male and female choir folks. A big boost. 

 

Hope you guys are all doing well. @NashySlashy your hair looks great. It must feel great to have it much shorter than before. 

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      Jessicapitts
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      klb046
      (30 years old)
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      He pushed it out.   Years passed.  Graduation, engagement to Lois.  He was 5'10", she was 5'3".  People thought the height difference was amusing.  At one point he thought to himself I will never fit in her clothes.  Bewildered as to where the thought had come from, he suppressed it. Marriage.   Wedding night: sitting, waiting in anticipation of what was to come.  Lois had left her dress on the bed and was in the hotel bathroom.   He drew in a breath and touched it.  Lacy, exquisitely feminine.  He stroked it.  Incredible.  A whole different world, a different gender, enticing.  "Like it?" she said, as she came out.  He nodded.  But she was meaning her negligee.   Later she noticed a small tear in her wedding dress and wondered where it came from.   Over the years there were dresses that had not been hung up properly in her closet, as if they had been taken down and hung up incorrectly.  It made no sense. Her underwear drawer had been gone through.  She checked the locked windows. They had a landlord at that time.  Pervert, coming into apartments and doing this.  She felt violated.   Then they bought a house.  They had two kids.  Her underwear drawer was being regularly gone through. Not Odie. It could not be Odie.  Odie was as macho as they come, something she liked.  It could not possibly be Odie. Finally there was a slip with a broken strap.   "Odie, I found the strap on my black slip torn.  How could that have happened?'   He didn't know.  He looked guilty, but he didn't know.   The rifling stopped for a while, then started up again.  She read up on cross-dressing.    "Odie, I love you," she said, "I've been reading up on cross-dressing."   He had that deer-in-the headlights look.   "I've read it is harmless, engaged in by heterosexual men, and is nothing to be ashamed of."   He looked at her. No expression.   "Look, I am even willing to buy you stuff in your size.  A friend of mine saw you sneaking around the women's clothing department at Macy's, then you bought something and rushed out.  No more of that, okay? The deal is that you don't do it in front of me or the kids. Do we have a deal?"   They had a deal.  Lois thought it was resolved, and her stuff was no longer touched. Every now and again a package arrived for "Odi", deliberately misspelling his name, and she never opened those.  Sometimes they went and bought things, but he never tried them on in front of her.   "The urge just builds until I have to, Lois.  I am sorry. It's like I can't control it." "That's what I read.  But your Dad would kill you." "There is that."   Lois thought the deal would last.  Things were under control.  
    • Davie
      Lama Rod describes himself as a Black Buddhist Southern Queen. He wants to free you from suffering. Lama Rod Owens is seen as an influential voice in a new generation of Buddhist teachers. He blends his training in the Kagyu School of Tibetan Buddhism with experiences from his life as a Black, queer man, raised as a Christian in the South.   https://apnews.com/article/buddhist-lama-black-lgbtq-wellness-506b1e85687d956eff81f7f4261f5e98  
    • MaeBe
      I would have balked years ago, echoing the parenting of generations before me, exclaiming "Parents know best!" at what I just wrote. It hasn't been that long, but I came to a realization that some of that need for control is unwarranted. Is my child really harming anything by identifying a certain way? Are they being harmed by having others in and around their lives that do? I have been more conversational with my kids when it comes to things and when we run into issues. Like when friends that were toxic, start coming back into the fold, I wanted to make sure that bad behaviors aren't (re)occurring. Or when we notice behaviors that concern us that we have a dialogue. Those chats aren't always nice, clean, or resolved perfectly, but we're communicating. We're learning from each other in those moments, which lead to things being shared that I am sure other parents aren't hearing from their kids and we grow as people because of it.   I will say, it's been easier over the past few years (even before hormones) as this more feminine me finds its way out. I'm a lighter touch, I don't get as entrenched as I once did, and I feel connected a little more emotionally. But, of course, I still make mistakes. As long as we learn from them, right?
    • missyjo
      1. attended Keystone conference a celebration of genders with 700 other lgbt friends. it was wonderful, other lgbt folks, hotel staff n town all welcoming n that felt great.   2. part time job in ladies clothing store, bring missy n helping women dress n relating to them as one    3. folks here   4. creepy guys trying to hit on me..laughs..wrong audience but something must be right   your turn friends
    • missyjo
      orange cotton top n sashed jeans..wedges off now..torrid undies in light blue bra n lace panties   I'm trying minimum makeup..shrugs..well see hugs if you want them
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was hot that August day, even in Hall J.  Hall J was a freshman dormitory, and Odie had just unpacked his stuff.  He sat on the edge of his bed.  He had made it. He was here, five hundred miles away from home.  His two roommates had not arrived, and he knew no one. His whole life lay ahead of him, and he thought of the coming semester with excitement and dread.   No one knew him.  No one. Suddenly he was seized with a desire to live out the rest of his life as a woman.  With that, he realized that he had felt that way for a long time.  He had never laughed when guys made jokes about women, and often he felt shut out of certain conversations.  He was neither effeminate nor athletic, and he had graduated just fine, neither too high in his class to be considered a nerd or low enough to not get into this college, which was more selective than many. He was a regular guy.  He had dated some, he liked girls and they liked him.  He had friends, neither fewer than most nor more than most.   Drama club in high school: he had so wanted to try out for female parts but something held him back.  He remembered things from earlier in his life: this had been there, although he had suppressed it. Mom had caught him carrying his sister's clothes to his room when he was eight, shortly before the divorce, and he got thoroughly scolded.  They also made sure it never, ever happened again. He had always felt like that had contributed somehow to the divorce, but it was not discussed, either.  He was a boy and that was the end of it.   Dad was part of that.  He got Odie every other weekend from the time of the divorce and they went hunting, fishing, boating, doing manly things because Dad thought he should be a man's man. The first thing that always happened was the buzz cut.  Dad was always somewhat disappointed in Odie, it seemed, but never said why.  He was a hard man and he had contempt for sissies, although that was never directed at Odie. Mom always said she loved him no matter what, but never explained what that meant.   Odie looked through the Freshman Orientation Packed.  Campus map.  Letter from the Chancellor welcoming him.  Same from the Dean.  List of resources: health center, suicide prevention, and his heart skipped a beat: transgender support.  There was something like that here?   He tore off a small piece of paper.  With sweating hands he wrote on it "I need to be a girl." He looked at it, tore it up and put the different pieces in different trash cans, even one in a men's room toilet the men on this floor shared. He flushed it and made sure it went down.  No one had seen him; he was about the first to arrive.   He returned to his room.   He looked in the mirror.  He was five-ten, square jawed, crew cut.  Dad had seen to it that he exercised and he had muscles.  No, he said to himself, not possible. Not likely.  He had to study and he had succeeded so far by pushing this sort of thing into the back of his mind or wherever it came from.   A man was looking back at him, the hard, tough man Dad had formed him to be, and there was absolutely nothing feminine about any of it.  With that, Odie rejected all this stuff about being trans.  There had been a few of those in high school, and he had always steered clear of them.  A few minutes later he met his roommates.
    • EasyE
      yes, i agree with this ... i guess my biggest frustrations with all this are: 1) our country's insistence to legislate everything with regards to morals ... 2) the inability to have a good, thorough, honest conversation which wrestles with the nuances of these very complex issues without it denigrating to name-calling or identity politics.  agreed again... i still have a lot to learn myself ... 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It's been bugging me that the sneakers I have been wearing are 1) men's and 2) I need canvas, because summer is coming.  WM has a blue tax on shoes, don't you know? My protocol is to go when there is no one in the ladies' area because I get looks that I don't like, and have been approached with a 'can I help you sir' in a tone than means I need to explain myself, at which point i become inarticulate.   But I found these canvas shoes.  Looking at them, to see if they would pass as male, I realized they might not, and furthermore, I don't really care.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      My wife's nurse was just here.  It is a whole lot easier to relate to her as another woman than to negotiate m/f dynamics and feel like I have to watch myself as a male around her.  It dropped a lot of the tension off, tension that I thought entirely internal to myself, but it made interactions a whole lot better.     I read your post, so I thought I would go look.   In the mirror I did not see a woman; instead I saw all these male features.  In the past that has been enough for me to flip and say 'this is all stupid ridiculous why do I do this I am never going to do this again I am going to the basement RIGHT NOW to get men's stuff and I feel like purging'.  Instead I smiled, shrugged my shoulders and came back here.  Panties fit, women's jeans fit.  My T shirt says DAD on it, something I do not want to give up, but a woman might crazily steal hubby's t-shirt and wear it.  I steal my own clothes all the time.    But she is here, this woman I liked it when I saw her yesterday. and her day will come.  I hope to see her again.
    • April Marie
      So many things become easier when you finally turn that corner and see "you" in the mirror. Shedding the guilt, the fear, the questioning becomes possible - as does self-love - when that person looking back at you, irrespective of what you're wearing, is the real you.   I am so happy for you!! Enjoy the journey and where it leads you.
    • MaeBe
      I'm sure even the most transphobic parents would, too. What does it hurt if a child socializes outside of their family in a way that allows them to understand themselves better? I have encountered a handful of kids do the binary, non-binary, back to binary route and they got to learn about themselves. In the end, there may have been some social self-harm but kids are so darned accepting these days. And really, schools aren't policing pronouns, but the laws that are coming out are making them do so--and in turn requiring a report to a parent that may cause some form of harm to the child.   If the kid wants to lie to, or keep secrets from, their parents about their gender expressions, what does it say about the parents? Perhaps a little socialization of their thoughts will give them the personal information to have those conversations with them? So when they do want to have that conversation they can do so with some self-awareness. This isn't a parent's rights issue, it's about forcing a "moral code" onto schools that they must now enforce--in a way that doesn't appreciably assist parents or provide benefit to children.   So, a child that transitioned at 5 and now in middle/high school that is by all rights female must now go into a bathroom full of dudes? What about trans men, how will the be treated in the girl's restroom? I see a lot of fantasy predator fearmongering in this kind of comment. All a trans kid wants to do in a bathroom is to handle their bodily functions in peace. Ideally there would be no gendered restrooms or, at least, a valid option for people to choose a non-gendered restroom. However, where is the actual harm happening? A trans girl in a boy's room is going experience more harm than a girl being uncomfortable about a trans girl going into and out of a stall.   How about we teach our children that trans people aren't predators who are trying to game the system to eek out some sexual deviancy via loophole? How about we treat gender in a way that doesn't enforce the idea that girls are prey and boys are  predators? How about we teach them trans kids are just kids who want to get on with their day like everyone else?
    • Adrianna Danielle
      I hope so and glad he loves and accepts me for who I am
    • EasyE
      It is sad that we can't have more open and honest dialogue on these types of topics because there is worthy debate for sure. But instead we have become a country where the only goal is to seize political power and then legislate our particular agenda and views of morality.   Remember as you read my thoughts below, that I am transgender. OK? I am pro-trans. I am trans.   But my middle school aged daughter would be extremely uncomfortable using a school bathroom also used by a biological male, as would nearly all of her friends. That side has to be considered. It's not invalidating to a trans youth's experience to take that into account and hash out what is for the common good of as many people as possible. This is reality - one person's gender expression makes others uncomfortable, in all directions. And there is disagreement on the best way to handle these types of things.   Why can't we talk about these things openly, without the inevitable name-calling that follows, and let all sides have their input and work up suitable solutions? (I bet the kids, if left alone, would work up the best solutions)... Instead, we go straight to trying to pass laws, as if we need more of those!   And why wouldn't we want parents to know if their child has decided to change their pronouns? That's a big deal and parents are right to raise that as a concern. I certainly would want to know. Not that we need to legislate this, but I would have a hard time with school administrators who try to hide this from me. They are out of line. This is my child. Whether you like my viewpoints or not, I am the parent. Not the school.    Again, I am pro-trans. I am trans. At the same point, I recognize that validating a transgender individual's gender identity doesn't trump everything else in society. And sometimes I see that creeping into these discussions. Plus, we fight a losing battle if we have to have others' validation. We are never going to get it from everybody. Ever. Not even Jesus got it and He is God himself!   This country can be very beautiful as we each exercise our freedom to be who we are and let others do the same. But my freedom ends where yours begins and vice-versa. That requires self-sacrifice. Sometimes we have to fall back out of respect for others. Sometimes we have to let the parent be the parent even if we disagree with their politics.   My cry in the wilderness is just can we please have more open, honest dialogue where both sides try take the other's views into consideration and quit automatically going the legislative route to criminalize the other side's viewpoints.   Sorry for the rant but sometimes all of this wears me out... deep sigh... 
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Bite by bite, acrobatics in abdomen
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Yesterday when I put that shirt on I saw a woman looking back out of the mirror at me.  Usually I have looked and been very frustrated because I see a man where there should be a woman.  I was expecting to see a man wearing a woman's shirt, but it was a woman wearing a woman's shirt.   On the spectrum between intersex and trans, I am more thinking I am a lot more intersex than trans, and it is only a matter of time before my wife says "you need a bra" and then "you look like a woman!" She told me whatever I want to do is fine with her, she loves me no matter what, and I am thinking that there may be a lot more for her in this than she could possibly expect. I'm not pushing it with her.
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