coming out vulnerability hangover & the power of visibility

[Vidanjali]

Researcher Brené Brown describes a vulnerability hangover as "the gut-wrenching feeling of shame and fear that pops right after we undertake an emotional risk." It is important to note that just because we may experience unpleasant feelings, it is not proof that we did something wrong; it just means we are experiencing unpleasant feelings.

 

This morning, we had a live session for the inclusivity professional development course I'm taking at work. We were invited to introduce ourselves, and say what we'd like to be called, including our pronouns. At work, whenever this invitation to introduce ourselves with pronouns occurs, I experience dread. On one hand, I want to tell everyone loud and proud to call me they/them. On the other hand, I am scared. And I become conflicted. Do I pass on sharing pronouns and thereby feel small, or do I out myself? This morning was no exception. I have been feeling more empowered recently, and I considered sharing my pronouns, but realistically, I imagined when it came to my turn that I would just tell everyone to call me by my first name and avoid clarifying my pronouns altogether. BUT! Before my turn came, one colleague from a different department than mine, whom I knew was queer, and whom I assumed was a gay man, introduced himself and shared we can use he/him OR they/them. I started choking up - I nearly cried. Then my turn came. The task was to introduce ourselves and additionally state our discipline and why we decided to take a course on inclusivity. I said my first name and discipline. Then, I stated that this would be the first time I was saying this in a meeting, and that I was not planning to share, but that our previous colleague broke the ice - that my pronouns are they/them, but that if you use she/her with me, don't freak out or worry because I understand that they/them is not yet normalized; and that although I consider myself fairly conversant about inclusivity, that I want to continue to immerse myself in learning because I want to contribute to the normalization of such things. Then, I gave my colleague a shout out of much love for being visible. The course moderator thanked me for sharing. My queer colleague offered no reaction. Then, we moved on. Granted, it was a zoom meeting, and only the facilitators were on video. So, I have no idea what my queer colleague's (or anyone else's) reaction was. BUT, I DID IT. My hands were shaking, and my nerves felt like fire. Now, I feel pretty sick. The adrenaline. And the not knowing my colleagues' reactions, especial the one colleague who broke the ice. I will not reach out to him. I sent him verbal love in that moment, and that was my intent. I spoke my truth, and nothing bad happened. I was tempted to end that last sentence with "yet" or "that I'm aware of". There was one participant in the meeting from my department. We'll see if she has anything to say about it on Monday. ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Whew!!!!!  Thanks for the opportunity to share.  

[Delcina B]

Thanks Vidanjali! Nothing like a spring thaw to break the ice, so you can take the plunge. I can definitely relate. I tend to create a whole chaotic scene in my head. So far, for the most part nothing bad has happened, other than with my spouse. I try to remember other's acceptance of me is theirs, not mine. A work of progress not perfection for me.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

 

 

[Vidanjali]

20 minutes ago, Delcina B said:

for the most part nothing bad has happened, other than with my spouse. I try to remember other's acceptance of me is theirs, not mine. 

 

Gosh, I needed to hear this @Delcina B . I told my spouse what happened. I knew I should have waited til after work hours, but I was in a state of excitement. I know it's painful for him to have extra distraction from his attention to work - he works very hard for our family. It's difficult to share these things with him because, as he puts it, he's still in mourning over the loss of how he believed me and our relationship to be prior to my period of self-discovery and coming out to him. Our biggest issue is my being asexual, not as much my being trans. So, on top of this vulnerability hangover, there's an upsurge of guilt regarding our relationship. But, I just got off the phone with my close friend at work. He's very happy and proud of me, and told me "happy birthday". 

[Kelly2509]

@Vidanjali congrats on taking that leap!  I imagine it feels like walking away from a car accident where your adrenaline is through the roof    I'm reintroducing myself to my company (over 150 people) next Thursday (aiming for Day of Visibility) and I've been sick with stress for at least a week already and I have another week to go!  I'm imagining as soon as I hit Send on that letter I'll be heading to the bathroom to throw up 

[Vidanjali]

Aww @Kelly2509 , thank you & I am very excited for you. Yes, my goodness, the adrenaline. I finally ate some lunch. Ugh. It's crazy what the body does - that fight or flight business. Please let us know how next Thursday goes! 🙏🤞💖

[Kelly2509]

15 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

Aww @Kelly2509 , thank you & I am very excited for you. Yes, my goodness, the adrenaline. I finally ate some lunch. Ugh. It's crazy what the body does - that fight or flight business. Please let us know how next Thursday goes! 🙏🤞💖

yeah don't forget lunch! all that adrenaline will need fuel

Thanks!  I did just write a giant post about it so I have somewhere to talk about it later next week.

[Delcina B]

@Vidanjali I get our spouses take it hard. For us it's a new beginning, for them it can feel like an ending. Mine sees it as I have a choice: go where this journey takes me, or return to my AMAB life, so therein I am selfish. When she first told me I was selfish I tried to return. After four days I was so angry & resentful at her, to continue would have led back to the bottle, coupled with rage & anger & be no good to anyone, with an early death of some sort. So, I guess I do have a choice & this path of my femme is the one I choose.

 

@Kelly2509 Rooting for you! I'm sure you will do fine. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Vidanjali]

@Kelly2509 read your post and am following. Thinking nothing but positive thoughts! 

 

@Delcina B it's a relief to have this forum to share and discuss. Our spouse's opinions/reactions can seem to us so monumental, like everything depends on it because we are so close to them. I find it challenging to not take my spouse's reaction personally and it's been something I've been actively working on for years. Yesterday, he eventually came around and was being close with me. Today, everything seems cool. I realized the adrenaline of coming out in that meeting was then weighted down by guilt with respect to him - in retrospect, it was like emotional constipation. We went to the dog park after work yesterday. To me, it was a relief to see some friends there and to talk with them and be light-hearted. I realized then that I was actually feeling very happy. I think my spouse saw that. He was laughing at some of the funny things I was saying to our dog park friends. It was really around then that he started coming around. I told him that I feel happy. As I said it, I realized that there was some hesitancy as if were confessing. Like, how dare I be happy when he's sad. But, he said that that's great. That's all he wants - for me to be happy. When his mournfulness comes up, I just feel like a failure at life because the last thing I want is to be the cause of pain to him. I try to wrap my head around it. I can understand that I didn't do anything wrong. Then, when that thought doesn't make me feel better, it's followed by - I am wrong, like fundamentally. And, you are absolutely right that the path out of that is letting go of that tendency to take ownership of our partner's emotions and emotional reactions - it's theirs, not ours; and ultimately, it's in the "hands" of a Power greater than any of us. Thank goodness for the family we have here to offer empathy and perspective. The best course of action is that which affirms life. I'm glad you're here. Btw, I like your new profile pic - the blonde is quite flattering. 

[Delcina B]

@Vidanjali Yes, our family here! I'm so thankful for this & another fellowship of my Chosen Family. I heard the song by Rita Sawayama, it's so touching, there's a YouTube of her singing it live at the Roadhouse in London, I let the happy tears flow.

 

The self inflicted guilt & shame feels worse to me than when coming from someone else. I carried it for too long, today I try to let it go if unfounded. Sometimes easier said than done.

 

Thank you! The old pic was a year old in a wig, now my hair has grown out. I'm actually a brunette, but this Florida Panhandle dairymaid has been out in the sun & it's sun bleached a bit (There may be a gray, or two in there, but I'm not telling).

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Vidanjali]

Lil update. Over the weekend it occurred to me that I would feel safer returning to work Monday if the one person in my department who was in attendance at that meeting were not the only person who knew I'm a they/them. Another colleague who I'm close to phoned me Saturday, so I told her. I expected her to be cool about it, and she was. She was also affirming which felt nice - when I told her, she said oh yeah, I can see that. Monday was uneventful, lol. I saw the one colleague who was in the meeting. Nothing was said about it, and there didn't seem to be any tension either. 

[Kelly2509]

a non-reaction with no awkwardness is not bad (in my opinion)!  Glad it's been smooth so far!

[Vidanjali]

Thanks, Kelly! Had another meeting today with the group I came out to last week. I didn't feel weird or nervous, and no one seemed at all reserved with me. Pretty cool!