My Process: Coming Out at Work

[Heather Shay]

@Kelly2509 I'm sorry I was late to this post. All I can say (without reading all the comments) is that I am extremely proud of you. Coming out at work is incredibly brave even in today's world. When I was employed I could have never come out. Matter of fact the last place I worked had the most unaccepting CEO I ever came across and the way he was I had to retire because I couldn't stand working there any longer. 

[Kelly2509]

@Heather Shay Thank you!  I've been at this company longer than I lived with my parents at this point so it was tough!

[Robin.C]

On 3/26/2022 at 4:48 AM, Kelly2509 said:

A lot of it came down to "you don't have to like it but you do have to respect it", which is fine by me.

 Sigh, just lots everything I typed so of looses the impact once you have already written it. Deep breath.

 

So similar to my story. I thought I had been really terrible about hiding my transitioning. However the comments from people I told were a genuine "wasn't expecting that!". Though a lot of other folks have said a lot of people don't really take notice of anything outside their sphere.

 

I had my immediate supervisor, team manager, HR and the directors all on board before my letter went out.

We used a letter from shrm.org and changed to meet out policies and procedures.

On a side note the HR lady was totally unfazed about me using the ladies. "Send anyone who says anything to her" were her words. Then we went through all the things that needed changing and the day that Robyn would go live. It seems such a funny term now.

 

Out of 70 odd employees I got 5 emails. When I went into the office 2 days later for the monthly team meeting, I had heaps of people say they would be my support if I needed it. Was really comforting. A few of our employees with various religious and cultural views haven't spoken to me since. Not my problem, I only work in the same office not actually with them. The meeting was fine, I was Robyn and that was that, business as usual.

 

Doesn't it feel good to have management support.

 

And

@Kelly2509 thank you for such a lovely positive post. Hopefully those who it hasn't gone so well for can find strength from your words of wisdom.

 

Hugs

Robyn

[MirandaB]

10 hours ago, Kelly2509 said:

@Heather Shay Thank you!  I've been at this company longer than I lived with my parents at this point so it was tough!

 

Oh my, this makes me realize that I'm hitting that mark this year, although the company changed ownership and altered its name a few times, and my email adress ending has changed three times. Crazy!

[Kelly2509]

@Robin.C yeah very similar, almost exactly the same steps!  My HR director was also unfazed when we started talking bathrooms, but then she brought it up.  Being remote I hadn't really put a ton of thought into it at that point  Having leadership behind me feels really good, and not in a "watch out or I'll sick the dogs on you" kind of way.  More like having the reassurance that it is OK to exist as I am without having to worry about whether it will affect my job.  I'm glad you enjoyed the post, I frequently worry that when I share good news it might sound like a brag or be triggery for folks who are not as fortunate as I've been.  I know that is how my depression brain works, so I'm a bit hyper sensitive about it and I hope the people who read it take it as intended, as a bit of a guide and also an example that the world isn't quite as bad as it seems sometimes. :)

 

@RhondaS Yeah, I've had 3 as well, the original, one buyout and one rebranding   hired on at 21 and now I'm *cough*46*cough* :P

[Mmindy]

Congratulations, and thank you for sharing this with us.

 

@Kelly2509This was such a wonderful thread to read. I'm so happy for you, and your future.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Billie75B]

@Kelly2509 Thank you for this story, I am planning on coming out in a few month at my job HR is aready in the loop. I love your plan and I am going to borrow it and take it to HR to help in the anoucment for my coming out. Again thank you 

 

Hugs

Billie

[Kelly2509]

@Billie75B Awesome!  I'm so glad my story can be helpful!  I hope for the best as you navigate the process!

[MirandaB]

So far only out to HR at work. 0n Trans Day of visiblity company sent out a video with some trans employees in it, no one in any area near me, and a PDF 'toolkit', one of those "Intro To Transgenderism" type things, which I actually read of course. The glossary described Trans Men as people who were assigned male at birth but identify as men, and the Trans women defiinition was wrong the opposite way. 

 

I sent in a correction and got word yesterday they updated it and a thanks. 

[Kelly2509]

@RhondaS Well kudos to them for making the effort, but a little scary they would get something that basic wrong.  At least they are trying.  Glad you stepped up to correct them.

[MirandaB]

@Kelly2509 It was a lengthy publication, the mistakes (now corrected) were on page 30something, and each mistake was followed by enough correct wording that you could see it was just a typo. 

 

It's just another baby step for me at work, out to HR, out to the pride group that wrote up the info. Since 99 percent of my work is at home since 3/11/20 there's not much urgency to do more yet. 

[Kelly2509]

@RhondaS hey, that's even better!  Also, baby steps are just fine.

[Kelly2509]

Short Update:  Today I was in the office for the morning, my first time in for any length of time since before covid/transition. I was super nervous last night, not that I expected things to go wrong, but that I would go in nervous or meek or timid...  something like that.  At one point I almost wrote "Own it like a ~~censored word~~ boss!" on my arm so I would have a reminder to be confident, but didn't do it.  That was definitely my mantra today though this was translated by my going from "oh, I'll just do a little conservative eye makeup" to "I'm doing my whole face, contouring, eyes, the works!  ...but in a tasteful way"  and from "Oh, I'll wear these navy loafers that go well with this shirt" to "screw it, I'm all in and wearing my pumps!"

 

Everyone was nice and friendly, some were enthusiastic (saying how brave I was, and just showing respect for what it took to get to this point in general) and it went very well.  Lots of normal conversations, business as usual, everyone who used a name for me used MY name and it was fine.  Only 1 person seemed uncomfortable and I know they are fairly churchy and probably have their own church-related baggage that made it uncomfortable for them.  I did poke the bear just a little since I know them as a "good morning!" person and they had not said anything to me; when they sat down and seemed to be avoiding me I looked right at them and said "Hi <redacted>!  How are you today?" and gave them a big smile.  They did loosen up a little over the course of the meeting, but they still seemed a bit on edge. 

 

And lastly, I did plan ahead and made sure the morning I showed up for the first time was followed by an appointment with my therapist.  I didn't wind up in crisis by he time I got there, but it did make for a couple laughs at the office: "Well, if somehow things go off the rails, at least I am going to therapy after this!"

[Dee2022]

Hi Kelly.

You are totally owning everyone else’s reactions in this transition, by pre-emptying and preparing for the eventualities - lol re having a session with the therapist after today, but fabby that you would probably have managed the day without it.

Thank you for keeping us updated, as it really gives us (me) hope and ideas how to manage the transition at work - which is the single area in my life that I have not tackled yet.

Thanks for being a star Kelly. Ax

 

 

[Kelly2509]

@WillbeAliceI am so glad I am helping in a positive way and not just showing everyone what NOT to do! Haha!  Biggeat lesson: Identify what you can control.  I could control my message, I could control how I walked in there, and I could control greeting the uncomfortable coworker with a big friendly smile.

 

Wish I had pictures of the entire outfit, but heres what I did today.  Navy blue raglan sleeve t-shirt, black knee length a line skirt, black wool tights, navy blue 2.75" pumps, turquoise pendant, blue woven bracelet

[Dee2022]

Kelly - you are looking like a natural in there..

Feminine, but professional.

Fantastic❤️
 

Ax

[Dee2022]

In a true homage to reading other peoples experiences and taking notes (thank you Kelly(particularly) but also et al) I have over the last couple of of days ‘come out’ to my business.

I am a senior manager at company employing 1.5k, with a team of 22 that are my directs

I had spoken to my Md some weeks ago about my transitioning, how it was early days, and tbh, soft soaped her about how wonderful it was to be working in a company that, whilst I knew it was going to be difficult, was forward thinking enough to be able embrace and (be seen to be able to) empower members of the lgbt community .

She was keen to manage my becoming visible across the business, however I thought it was right that I should personally ‘come out’ to especially my team, but also my closest colleagues.

We agreed that as soon as I started telling people, the likelihood of gossip (and therefore our ability to curtail the ‘ridicule factor’) would increase.

So over the space of Tuesday afternoon and the whole of Wednesday (which was also the day my name officially changed to Dee (yeah..not Alice…long story)) I was allocated an interview room and ‘came out’ on an individual basis to 36 people - in an order that I had created on a scale of ‘can be trusted to keep their mouth shut (and thumbs off their keypad) to ‘gossip-monger in chief’ - just prior to a meeting at 4pm where the MD would announce my transition and explain to all the other senior managers what was expected of them in relation to ensuring respect from their respective teams etc.

 

I can happily report that (with the exception of 2 morons(whose life will henceforth be made a misery)), I received support, intelligent questions, generosity and predominately respect for the guts it takes not only to decide that you need to take control of where your life is heading, but also to look people in the eye and say ‘I didn’t want you to hear this from someone else’

(It also gives you the opportunity to mould their mindset in respect of ‘seeker of peace and happiness’ vs ‘deviant’)

 

Dont be afraid of this once you are sure , whilst it was emotionally exhausting bearing my soul (because you do have to to every question they ask), I staggered out of work last night with a refreshed view of the majority of peoples acceptance and enthusiasm to accept something ‘a bit different’

I get that it is early days with this situation in the workplace, but I have come out of it with a truly positive mindset.

 

Thanks for the inspiration ladies😊❤️😊❤️

 

[Robin.C]

@WillbeAlice that is wonderful news and congratulations. 

 

Have had the same reactions at my work. Only one numpty and he never stays in the same room as me or talks to me. Which isn't a problem as he is an engineer in another section that I don't have any involvement with 😀 

 

Hugs

Robyn

[Kelly2509]

@WillbeAlice that's great news!  Glad it has been going well!  Sounds like they did a good job of helping you come up with a plan of attack as well and that's nice to hear!  Kudos!

 

I've been back to the office a few times and generally everyone has been fine over the last month.  Some people have a hard time remembering my correct name (which is now legal BTW) and once in a while I'll get misgendered but they have been honest mistakes so I haven't pushed back too hard.  There are still the couple people who seem to really avoid me now, but honestly that's OK.