Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Taking the long way towards finding myself.


Penny Patton

Recommended Posts

Hi!

 

I'm Penny. 43 years old and just starting my journey into transitioning into a woman. So far I've only told my sister and a couple of online friends, all of whom have been incredibly supportive. Actually, as I wrote this my sister just texted me some trans resources and said she'd help me with things like learning how to makeup.

 

 I've had strong gender dysphoria for as long as I can remember. I have memories going back to around elementary school about it. I always choose a female  character when given the option in videogames. I've always presented as female online and have frequently gotten comments, online and offline, about how I have a more feminine personality. I even have dreams where I'm a woman.

 

So why did it take me so long to get to this point? Part of it was growing up without the words or knowledge about transitioning. Part of it was worry about how my family will react (My mom, step-dad, and a lot of my extended family are very conservative and openly homophobic/transphobic), but my parents moved to Florida and I don't have much interaction with the transphobic members of my family anymore so that's become less of a concern in recent years. Concerns about how it would affect my employment(I currently have some very conservative co-workers). Fear of going through the awkward middle stages of transitioning while out in public. And just coming to terms with the fact that, yes, I am trans. And, yes, I also had to deal with the "I'd make a hideous woman" thoughts and, ever since I turned 40 I've also had to wrestle with the thought that "maybe it's too late". Watching a lot of trans YouTube videos, and seeing a lot of before/after photos on Twitter helped me deal with both of those thoughts.

 

 Also, I deal with severe depression. I have since high school, but only got diagnosed and started receiving treatment in 2017. Like, crippling depression. It's hurt all my past relationships, my career (I used to be lead artist at an animation studio, then a high school art teacher), and generally made it difficult to leave the house and interact with people. The silver lining to this is I already have a therapist and she's been fantastic. Although she's been out of the office since December and I've only spoken to her over the phone once since then. But I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm set on telling her about my transitioning plans to get the ball rolling.

 

 I really came to grips with my trans-ish-mess in December, after my last appointment with my therapist. That's why I haven't talked to her about it yet and have only told three people. Also, in November my therapist encouraged me to apply for disability due to my depression, and in February my landlord told me they were evicting me so their parents could move in to the house. Currently in temporary housing due to the lack of affordable rental options in my area. So that's been the main focus of our last few sessions. Oh, after my therapist pushed me to apply for disability (which didn't even occur to me as an option) I realized it could be possible to transition while not having to worry about the employment situation. Of course, it could take years to get approved so I'm not counting on it, but the thought definitely helped prompt me to where I am now.

 

 As far as transitioning, I intend to take this all the way. I HATE my voice, always have, so I intend to get a voice coach to work on feminizing it. Failing that I'll get voice surgery. In fact, I plan to get all the surgeries my insurance will cover. Top, bottom, face. I won't feel comfortable in my own body until then. (Yes, I know they make you wait before you can do this, so I'm prepared for that.) If it were possible to get a working reproductive system I'd do that, too! After talkin g to my therapist tomorrow, my next priority will be hair removal. I want to get that started ASAP. I know it's a long process that likely will not be completed before I'm ready to start HRT.

 

 So that more or less sums up my journey. Beyond that, I write, draw, dabble in 3D modelling and spend way too much time in virtual worlds that predate Facebook's mess by decades. I'm a published author (in a very limited capacity, the number of books I've sold is probably still in double digits). I've worked on a TV show for a major network that lasted two seasons. No, I won't say what books and what TV show. I'm not ready to reveal my offline identity quite yet and those would give it away. However, there is a lot I'd be happy to talk about and just didn't think to include here, so feel free to ask questions.

 

 Thank you for reading!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Penny Patton Welcome Penny. Your journey is not unlike others, including me, though unique in that your journey is your own. Welcome to thius forum. You will find an oasis of supportive people and truthful answers to your questions and please ask them as they come. I highly recommend wandering through the various topics and forums and note the wonderful resources now available to you.

Hugs,

Heather

Link to comment

Thank you both for the warm welcome. I've been browsing the site resources and the forums and already feeling at home here.

 

I had the thought of sharing my plans for transition. How I'm approaching it, maybe getting feedback on it. Also maybe a bit about my plans for what I want to do once my transition is far enough along for me to begin feeling comfortable with myself.  Should post that in this thread, or is there a more appropriate sub-forum for that?

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...

Hi @Penny Patton! I can relate so very, very much to your story, though we’re transitioning in opposite directions (I’m FtM). I’m in my early 40s and it’s only been in the last year that I’ve really let myself say the word ‘trans’ (just to myself, so far, and a few folks online), though I think deep down I’ve known since well before I knew what the right word was. 
 

One thing I love about this forum is that a lot of the folks on it are a bit older. YouTube seems to be full of bright-eyed teenagers and young adults who have already transitioned, and depending on the day I either find that inspiring or depressing (I struggle with those same feelings of ‘it’s too late for me’). Chatting to other people who have transitioned/are transitioning at my age or older is so much more comforting because it reminds me that not everyone is on the same timeline. 
 

Samuel
 

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   8 Members, 0 Anonymous, 36 Guests (See full list)

    • Jamie68
    • Jaycie
    • MaryEllen
    • Mara.something
    • Carla1965
    • VickySGV
    • Jackie C.
    • Jandi
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      76.7k
    • Total Posts
      719.7k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      9,598
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Mara.something
    Newest Member
    Mara.something
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. dragonette
      dragonette
    2. Mar
      Mar
      (33 years old)
    3. Tetris
      Tetris
      (25 years old)
    4. TJ
      TJ
    5. vectorlol
      vectorlol
  • Posts

    • Jackie C.
      Check your local LGBTQ+ center. I gave mine to a friend who donated them to the community where they live. They were much too nice to throw out.   Hugs!
    • Mara.something
      I’ve been wearing a bra with false breasts for almost a year, but i too have started to feel uncomfortable due to my breast growth. Yay!   So i’ve switched to some bra pads instead. It doesn’t feel as heavy or “natural”, but the lack of pressure is a definite plus.   Now I just need to find an organization to donate my old breasts to. Anyone know one? 😀   mara
    • Hannah Renee
      @JaycieI was in the Boston area for about 10 years with my previous (#3) wife. My job for 37 years was overwhelmingly male dominated. During those 10 years, my best friend was a woman. She came out to Chicago a few years after I left Boston to be the "Best Man" at my (most recent) wedding. Years ago by, and we exchange Christmas cards and occasional birthday cards. Sadly, I haven't told her that I'm getting divorced and transitioning. Lack of courage. Soon. Same for the friend who cut me off 5 years ago - maybe.    Funny, it only occurred to me as I wrote about the past regarding my chosen middle name. Renee means reborn, and that was my conscious reason for adopting it. I realized that, subliminally, it was because of Renee Richards.   @MmindyAgain, thank you from the bottom of my heart, and God bless you. Hugs to all at TGP.❤️
    • Concerned father
      Hmnn, worth a shot I mean using that angle [thank you] but issue with him is its his way and his way only, there is no compromising. I will try your way next time the topic comes up and will report back.
    • Jaycie
    • Christopher
      I hope it feels really good to know that your wife supports you as she does. That she sees you as more than a collection of body parts and as a person who desires to be more themselves.
    • Jamey
      You look amazing 💖
    • Mx.Drago
      At least maybe you can get the typewriter fixed properly now. Found one somebody was getting rid of and regret not picking it up.😔Oh well.
    • Mmindy
      Good afternoon,   Everyone looks wonderful.   Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.   Thank you for sharing your clothing ideas,   Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • LaurenA
      I HATE  spelling checker!!! incursion == inclusion
    • LaurenA
      Today I went out dressed as myself for the very first time.  It was only to the garage and back but that is far more than it has ever been before.  I also made an appointment with the local incursion clinic.  That's a very big step on my part.  To me it mean I want to move forward on my transition.  Gods, I'm so unsure.  I skipped my last appointment.  I HAVE to keep this one .
    • Mmindy
      Hannah,   I pray for you and your happiness with friends. Friends you make as Hannah, the woman you should have always been. Hannah is your chance to break the cycle of pushing people away. You will be okay, and I pray eventually happy.   Hugs,   Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Carolyn Marie
      Maybe try this approach; ask him to put himself in your place, and come up with a couple of suggestions that he thinks are good.  That kind of puts him in the "driver's seat" and allows him to see your side of things.  Might not work, but you never know.   Carolyn Marie
    • Jaycie
      I'm so glad you get to be yourself after all, I'm also sorry for all the losses you have suffered too!!   I had a total of 3-5 best male friends in my life most since grade school or college. One I have had no contact with for the last 10+ years and the others I see maybe 1 time a year if I'm lucky. They were my best friends and we saw each other most days for most of my life, now nothing. Thing is I don't even really miss them but I still like them if that makes sense. My absolute best friend was a woman friend from work and we were inseparable best of friends. I lost her friendship a few years ago because I was stupid. I still miss having her as a friend to this day. Hold tight to your BGFFs  they are hard to find and so precious!!!
    • Hannah Renee
      Truer words were never spoken.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...