Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Taking the long way towards finding myself.


Penny Patton

Recommended Posts

Hi!

 

I'm Penny. 43 years old and just starting my journey into transitioning into a woman. So far I've only told my sister and a couple of online friends, all of whom have been incredibly supportive. Actually, as I wrote this my sister just texted me some trans resources and said she'd help me with things like learning how to makeup.

 

 I've had strong gender dysphoria for as long as I can remember. I have memories going back to around elementary school about it. I always choose a female  character when given the option in videogames. I've always presented as female online and have frequently gotten comments, online and offline, about how I have a more feminine personality. I even have dreams where I'm a woman.

 

So why did it take me so long to get to this point? Part of it was growing up without the words or knowledge about transitioning. Part of it was worry about how my family will react (My mom, step-dad, and a lot of my extended family are very conservative and openly homophobic/transphobic), but my parents moved to Florida and I don't have much interaction with the transphobic members of my family anymore so that's become less of a concern in recent years. Concerns about how it would affect my employment(I currently have some very conservative co-workers). Fear of going through the awkward middle stages of transitioning while out in public. And just coming to terms with the fact that, yes, I am trans. And, yes, I also had to deal with the "I'd make a hideous woman" thoughts and, ever since I turned 40 I've also had to wrestle with the thought that "maybe it's too late". Watching a lot of trans YouTube videos, and seeing a lot of before/after photos on Twitter helped me deal with both of those thoughts.

 

 Also, I deal with severe depression. I have since high school, but only got diagnosed and started receiving treatment in 2017. Like, crippling depression. It's hurt all my past relationships, my career (I used to be lead artist at an animation studio, then a high school art teacher), and generally made it difficult to leave the house and interact with people. The silver lining to this is I already have a therapist and she's been fantastic. Although she's been out of the office since December and I've only spoken to her over the phone once since then. But I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm set on telling her about my transitioning plans to get the ball rolling.

 

 I really came to grips with my trans-ish-mess in December, after my last appointment with my therapist. That's why I haven't talked to her about it yet and have only told three people. Also, in November my therapist encouraged me to apply for disability due to my depression, and in February my landlord told me they were evicting me so their parents could move in to the house. Currently in temporary housing due to the lack of affordable rental options in my area. So that's been the main focus of our last few sessions. Oh, after my therapist pushed me to apply for disability (which didn't even occur to me as an option) I realized it could be possible to transition while not having to worry about the employment situation. Of course, it could take years to get approved so I'm not counting on it, but the thought definitely helped prompt me to where I am now.

 

 As far as transitioning, I intend to take this all the way. I HATE my voice, always have, so I intend to get a voice coach to work on feminizing it. Failing that I'll get voice surgery. In fact, I plan to get all the surgeries my insurance will cover. Top, bottom, face. I won't feel comfortable in my own body until then. (Yes, I know they make you wait before you can do this, so I'm prepared for that.) If it were possible to get a working reproductive system I'd do that, too! After talkin g to my therapist tomorrow, my next priority will be hair removal. I want to get that started ASAP. I know it's a long process that likely will not be completed before I'm ready to start HRT.

 

 So that more or less sums up my journey. Beyond that, I write, draw, dabble in 3D modelling and spend way too much time in virtual worlds that predate Facebook's mess by decades. I'm a published author (in a very limited capacity, the number of books I've sold is probably still in double digits). I've worked on a TV show for a major network that lasted two seasons. No, I won't say what books and what TV show. I'm not ready to reveal my offline identity quite yet and those would give it away. However, there is a lot I'd be happy to talk about and just didn't think to include here, so feel free to ask questions.

 

 Thank you for reading!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Penny Patton Welcome Penny. Your journey is not unlike others, including me, though unique in that your journey is your own. Welcome to thius forum. You will find an oasis of supportive people and truthful answers to your questions and please ask them as they come. I highly recommend wandering through the various topics and forums and note the wonderful resources now available to you.

Hugs,

Heather

Link to comment

Thank you both for the warm welcome. I've been browsing the site resources and the forums and already feeling at home here.

 

I had the thought of sharing my plans for transition. How I'm approaching it, maybe getting feedback on it. Also maybe a bit about my plans for what I want to do once my transition is far enough along for me to begin feeling comfortable with myself.  Should post that in this thread, or is there a more appropriate sub-forum for that?

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...

Hi @Penny Patton! I can relate so very, very much to your story, though we’re transitioning in opposite directions (I’m FtM). I’m in my early 40s and it’s only been in the last year that I’ve really let myself say the word ‘trans’ (just to myself, so far, and a few folks online), though I think deep down I’ve known since well before I knew what the right word was. 
 

One thing I love about this forum is that a lot of the folks on it are a bit older. YouTube seems to be full of bright-eyed teenagers and young adults who have already transitioned, and depending on the day I either find that inspiring or depressing (I struggle with those same feelings of ‘it’s too late for me’). Chatting to other people who have transitioned/are transitioning at my age or older is so much more comforting because it reminds me that not everyone is on the same timeline. 
 

Samuel
 

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 127 Guests (See full list)

    • Wasylyna
    • DeeDee
    • MaybeRob
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,940
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Raelyn
    Newest Member
    Raelyn
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
    • missyjo
      April sounds fun..I keep some boy jeans to visit mom in..fir now   hugs
    • Ivy
      I like them too.  We had them growing up.  But my father's family were Swedes.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Oh my!  I guess it just goes to show how different tastes can be. Since we don't live near the ocean, Seafood is a rare luxury. We absolutely love pickled herring! Especially my husband and my GF, I guess it's a Ferman/Russian cultural thing.  But most of the kids like it too, and a jar wouldn't last in the pantry for long 😆
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I think the key to that is just not minding eating the same thing repeatedly. Since we produce a lot of our own food here, we end up eating what is in season at the moment. So, when the yellow squash is ripening, we end up fixing squash 20 different ways. When the strawberries are ready, we eat lots of strawberries. It's kind of a different mindset to eat in season when it has become such a part of American culture but the grocery store has everything we want all the time. Like grapes in December.  My family does even things out a little bit by having a greenhouse so we have some fresh things in the winter, but it's not a 100% fix.
    • KathyLauren
      My brothers and I had to eat what was on the plate.  All of it, and nothing else.  Pickiness was not tolerated.  Some of our least favourite were liver and onions, sauerkraut, and especially rollmops (pickled herring).  We finally protested enough to persuade our mother not to serve rollmops, though she kept a jar in the pantry for years afterwards, as a threat if we didn't behave.
    • Carolyn Marie
      I'll go first.  My favorite team is the Yankees.  Loved them since I was a kid.  I was born in NYC so, yeah.  I know everyone loves to hate them, and that's OK.  I just love baseball in general.  It's a game of traditions, strategy, power, grace and skill.   Play Ball!!  ⚾   Carolyn Marie
    • Ashley0616
      I guess you do have a good point. It's just hard to try and not have the same meals over and over again. 
    • Willow
      Hi   I’ll weigh in on being picky about food.  Yes, and I was brought up that way.  We didn’t have to eat everything our parents ate.  They had a number of things they ate that they figured we wouldn’t eat, an acquired taste things or one or the other didn’t like them too.   even as an adult there are many things I won’t eat.  In my defense, there are different things my wife won’t eat.   the weird thing is that after being in E, my tastes have changed.  Sweet, sour, salty or bland, if I eat or drink too much of any one thing and I have to counter act it.   Willow
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...