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It's taken me a while and I've gotten a better idea of what I feel and how I want to be perceived, and being a guy is something I really always saw myself as, even when I wasn't aware of it. I definitely pictured myself as a more feminine man, and that fits really well for me.

I've started getting things I call "bad body image" days, which is summed up by me hating how I look and what features I have and that things about me (specifically my chest and face) just look wrong and "not me," if that makes sense.

I got a haircut recently (it's short and wonderful and I never have a bad hair day, why did I not do this sooner) and it's been really great because I look at myself in the mirror and it feels like I'm seeing me for the first time. And my mom (who I've come out to and she and the rest of my family has been really supportive) cut my hair, and remarked "You look happy." It doesn't seem like a big statement, but in retrospect it's huge.

I don't think I've ever been happy with how I looked, especially after I started puberty. Granted, my reaction to noticing I had boobs was "What is wrong with me, mom help!" The reaction to periods wasn't much better. 

But I look back on pictures of myself and I just know that I'm not happy. Especially when I wore dresses or when I had long hair, I had to fight to smile and I just never liked how I looked. I got my haircut and new clothes and I took pictures of myself and I can see that I'm happy. And it's crazy because it's new.

And I've started looking more into transitioning beyond socially, and I know that there are things I want now that I never thought about before because I didn't know they existed or didn't think they applied to me. 

Things like a breast reduction or bottom growth are goals that I want to pursue. It's a gut feeling and a personal thing for me because picturing myself with those things make me happy and they feel true to how I see myself. I'm still a long ways off from that, but it's comforting to know that it's an option and that it feels right. Just kind of wanted to rant a little, cause I have a lot of feelings about this.

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I'm happy you got it figured out. It's a great thing you could come out to your family, i'm glad they're supportive. That's all good news :)

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  • 1 month later...

I’m noticing some similar things lately. I’ve always hated having my photo taken and always looked uncomfortable - forced smile, stiff shoulders - but the more I work towards being myself, the more comfortable I’m becoming. It’s all surface level at the moment (clothes, posture, trying to get my haircut right - it’s always been short, but now I want it to be short AND more masculine), but I’m starting to notice some photos of myself that I actually like. Not many - yet - but it’s a definite difference. 

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  • 2 months later...

I've never been a fan of photos. When I was younger or at least watching things in regards to my younger self, I remember that little kid enjoyed taking pictures, being silly, being hugged, and being happy and smiling all the time. When puberty hit, it was like a switch: I hated smiling (unless it was genuine), taking pictures, and being touched. The third thing I don't understand. Maybe it's the temperature or the feel of human skin? Just being touched never felt good anymore. 

 

Because of this desire to not be photographed, the only pictures that exist of me are those consisting of school photos and those taken for Halloween. I've always loved dressing for Halloween, so that's probably why there's more of those... besides the fact most of my costumes involve hiding and obscuring my face. If I've ever had the chance to wear a mask or be able to hide my face in a picture, that's the only time I've been happy to take a picture.

 

I do have to say, getting a hair-cut makes a difference. When I was first allowed to get a short hair-cut, some people commented I looked happy and vibrant. And that I smiled. Smiling is unconscious to me, so perhaps I was genuinely smiling.

 

I do have to agree: knowing there is a way to better your condition, whether medically or socially, has led to a better hope, a brighter future. Just knowing it exists and it will happen one day gives me some hope.

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