Telling my children

[New_Anna]

Hi everyone,

I need a bit of help.

I am planning out my coming out, hrt and living as my chosen gender but I am worried about when to tell the kids.

They are going to be the last ones to make sort all the support network is in place with the family and I am planning to live full time as me in Jan 23 after starting HRT in Sep of this year.

I had originally planned to tell the kids in Dec but I am thinking now they might need some time to process the changes rather than me telling them and then bang complete change.

Has anyone else got experience of this?

My kids are 8 and 11. My eldest is about to start big school too.

 

Many thanks

Anna

[VickySGV]

This is a job for you and your Therapist to work on, and it may involve you making plans for the kids to have some family and personal counseling ready to go.  At the ages you say they are, they are actually much more able to handle this than they will be during their own puberty years.  My grandchildren (3 of them) were a little younger than your children are, but the "how I looked and my new name" were not really an issue, it was whether I would still love them and be there for them.  My grandson had asked simply "will you still like us as we are?" to which my reply was "I love you all very dearly and will be here for you now and in the days to come."  That has held true since it happened 10 years ago, gender and sex were not a big mystery or fear source for them . 

[New_Anna]

Thanks Vicky,

We don't have the family counselling in place yet, just awaiting word back from NHS.

This will hopefully be in place before Oct this year. If not I'll just go private.

Question is what was the time period between telling the kids and coming fully out as you? 

 

Anna ❤

[VickySGV]

The real scene about my coming out to my GK's was a bit of a circus.  I had told their dad, my son, just before he went on a 90 day U.S. Navy tour of duty, and he had not told his spouse they needed to be ready for it.  As it was I had been to the point of no return before he got home.  I had to skip a Christmas Eve get together because I could not go backwards and the children's mother did not want to overload the children at Xmas with it.  45 days after Xmas I came wearing a conservative "business suit" outfit since my hair and nails by then were female.  I made the change low key with only the most basic makeup on.  I looked different but not STRANGE.

One of my little instructional devices I brought with me was a "late Xmas Present" for the kids.  I had bought two simple jigsaw puzzles, one male theme, one female theme, but I switched the puzzle pieces in each box with the other, so the male picture (Spiderman) on one box had the female theme (Barbie Doll) pieces in it.  The box cover was what people thought I had been, but the pieces were the real me and picture I would be showing the world from then on.  The kids loved it.  Thus the questions they asked me were simple.  It went quiet and simple with an ordinary visit from that point on.  Their other Granddad is male, but I am different, but still someone they love and honor.

 

My suggestion is to wait until you have some comfort in your Transition, possibly at an androgynous point where you are habitually clean shaven, and maybe a beginning hairstyle.  Have some realistic pictures of what you hope or intend to look like ready but do not insist on the kids viewing them, let them grow with you.  These are just suggestions, there is no RULE BOOK for doing it, only your love for the children.

[Carolyn Marie]

@VickySGV's recommendation about discussing with your therapist is the best way to go.  But not everyone can or wants to go that route.  Personal stories are of somewhat limited help, b/c every situation and family dynamic is different.

 

That said, I'll relate my own situation.  I waited until my son was past his junior year of high school  to tell him, b/c I didn't want it to be on his mind while concentrating on school and college admissions, etc.  When I did tell him, I was nervous as hell, but it went great and he was totally supportive.  Still, he stopped bringing most of his friends over when I started dressing as Carolyn, and didn't tell many of them until much later.  His college friends were easier to deal with.

 

As Vicky said, most kids are fine with it, especially if your wife is also supportive.  But getting professional advice is still the best bet.  Good luck!

 

Carolyn Marie

[New_Anna]

Thank you both for this insight.

I appreciate you tell me your stories. Agreed that everyone's situation is dynamic and I like the idea of the jigsaws and progression.

I myself used to have a big bushy beard. I have now been clean shaven for 2 months now and I have "spa days" at home with the kids, where we wear facemasks and do nails.

Anna ❤️

[Charlize]

My son was in his thirties and had a difficult time for a bit.  His children on the other hand were quick to accept a new reality and soon i became "Grandie".   Therapy did help as d\id seeing others here live through many of my issues.  Sharing somehow makes the passage easier.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Zelaire]

I'm not at a stage like you, Anna, where I know what I want or need to do, but I have two kids (12 and 16) so this topic is top of mind for me as I think about what the future might hold. I did talk with a therapist at one point about telling my kids. My wife has been of a mind to wait until they have graduated high school before I do anything, and thus, it would be about six years before talking to them about my gender identity is on the table. My therapist thought about it a bit, and suggested that perhaps this is not the best idea. This is a family matter, and we should discuss it as a family. If we wait many years until they're adults, then the result might be that they are hurt and left wondering why we didn't trust them to bring up such an important issue earlier.

So, there's what little advice I can add, from my therapist to your ears. 🙂

[Ivy]

On 4/7/2022 at 12:22 PM, VickySGV said:

One of my little instructional devices I brought with me was a "late Xmas Present" for the kids.  I had bought two simple jigsaw puzzles, one male theme, one female theme, but I switched the puzzle pieces in each box with the other, so the male picture (Spiderman) on one box had the female theme (Barbie Doll) pieces in it.  The box cover was what people thought I had been, but the pieces were the real me and picture I would be showing the world from then on.  The kids loved it.

Clever idea.   I love it.

 

5 hours ago, Charlize said:

soon i became "Grandie"

One of my granddaughters calls me this.   Sometimes known as  "Grandie Jandi".

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, Zelaire said:

This is a family matter, and we should discuss it as a family. If we wait many years until they're adults, then the result might be that they are hurt and left wondering why we didn't trust them to bring up such an important issue earlier.

 

An easy thing to do, even now is simply hit up a bookstore for some of the very good sources that we have listed in some other topics here.  I have a pile on my coffee table that are for anyone visiting me to read or look at or borrow.  The reason to give is simply "it interests me, and this is helpful" but it can give information and even better get them and you on a line of acceptance.  Jennifer Finny Boylan's books are a good start at your kid's ages.  A book by Brynn Tannehill on what to know about Trans is also great.  Just about all of us have our favorites.  There is also an anthology called Trans Bodies Trans Selves that is good for the older three of you there.  Susan Stryker's Transgender History is another one that is fit for teenage consumption.  At some point you can just end up saying "I am dealing with all of this in my life." You go from there.

[Zelaire]

📚❤️

So glad for recommendations like this, @VickySGV! Sounds like these are good for my kids' ages. Did you have any similar suggestions for Anna's kids' ages, too?

[VickySGV]

7 minutes ago, Zelaire said:

Did you have any similar suggestions for Anna's kids' ages, too?

 

The puzzle thing works even for adults, I have used it that way in my Trans 101 talks, and from time to time I find blank puzzle pieces cut from 1/8th inch cardboard that you put pictures on.   Another gimmick I have done is getting a handful of cheap hand mirrors and pasting monster stickers or the like on some of them and asking the people if they like what they see in the mirror and can see it everyday as the true person they are. I have had people come out to me through that exercise by saying they wish I had put a human face of the opposite gender, but usually it is  "I don't think the Cat In The Hat image is really my thing" response is fun to watch.  I keep my eyes out for a lot of good analogies and metaphors that I can show in a slide show as well, I am re-working one presentation now because of some recent scientific discoveries.

[Artpetal]

Oh, how positive. They should support you.

[DeeDee]

Hi @New_Anna my children were 13 and 14. My (then) 13yo daughter was coming out as gay at the time and had been made to really worry about what my mum and sisters would think of her becauseshe stays with my ex.

I was trying to find the right time to tell my children and it was just a natural opening to be able to offer her comfort because I could point to their acceptance of me.

She accepted it instantly and wanted to see pictures and borrow my wigs for her cosplays. My son I told on the way home, as it was unfair to tell one child and not the other, his initial response was to shout and cry and tell me that he wouldn't let me do it,but when he calmed down and unerstood that I still loved him and wouldnt treat him any differently (in his words, shout at him like his mum does), simply that I would look different and use a different name, he accepted me and has since decided that he is my protector. He calls me dad unless I am in a wig, then he calls me Dee.  Both kids are diagnsed with autism and have ADHD. My daughter has since gone on a gender journey of her own, going through lesbian to pansexual and non binary, and he has just recently asked permission to use my deadname. So now I have 2 sons. The difference is that my ex while fine with the idea of having a gay daughter has not been accepting of the other changes to my youngest's status as heexplored his idea of sex and gender, so it has unintentionallly become a bonding point between us. He still has to use she/her at his mums, and we can affirm each other when he is with me. We get each other.

Their generation is so much further ahead when it comes to knowing that gender expression is simply a societal construct, that any hatred tends to stem from the adults around them.

 

TLDR; You'll be fine. They may struggle, but in all liklihood they will actually enjoy spending time with the real you because you being happier will make them happier to be near you.

[New_Anna]

Everyone.

Thank you so much for all of this great advice and support.

I've had a couple of spa days and makeup days with them so they are getting used to me with nail polish and mascara. And as they are the ones that put it on me, no questions 😁😁.

Hopefully this will get them comfortable as I progress and finally tell them at the end of this year.

 

Anna ❤️

[Mandy Cooper]

Hi Anna My kids were a little older, I have two daughters aged 16 and 18. I came out to them a few days after my wife and it really didn't bother them at all, I was surprised. I then waited a few weeks before dressing fulltime and slowly phased it in. But I don't think it would have mattered to them. I had laid some groundwork, so we had talked about gender identity, but not in relation to me, rather in the context of their friends. It probably helped that my wife was accepting, as of course, that's the first person they talked to.  When I did come out, they were a little surprised, but not at all worried.
But I'm not so sure it would have gone so well if my wife had not accepted the situation. Now, I regularly go shopping with them. Though their tastes in clothes are very different to mine.

 

[Annette MacDonald]

I'm glad to hear it went well for most or all of you. I had told my ex wife like 2 years ago and she didn't respond. The other night I really laid it out and said that I'll let her decide whether or not to tell my son (17). She basically said that he comes first 🤷 like as in my life should wait until he's older, I don't know.. I have had a pretty strained relationship with both of them ever since he turned maybe 12 or 13 basically I was kind of just a sperm donor but this isn't therapy so I'll leave out all the details but it's pretty much all she said. I haven't heard back from her after that. I've talked to my son maybe three times in the last 2 years so I don't even know what to do from here. I do know he's not a very tolerant person these last 5 -6 years. I guess I'll just have to accept his reaction and move on.

[Ivy]

9 hours ago, Annette MacDonald said:

I've talked to my son maybe three times in the last 2 years so I don't even know what to do from here. I do know he's not a very tolerant person these last 5 -6 years. I guess I'll just have to accept his reaction and move on.

I'm sorry for you.  It must be hard.

[Annette MacDonald]

To be honest, and I know this sounds horrible... but I was never meant to be a father. I'm just not dad material and trying to fake it all those years was a complete nightmare. I definitely had no business even having sex with her. I found it repulsive and didn't even know it at the time. And yes, it is very hard for me as other people's lives are affected. But we live with the consequences of our choices after all.

[Ivy]

6 hours ago, Annette MacDonald said:

And yes, it is very hard for me as other people's lives are affected.

This is unfortunately true.  

We do want to consider the repercussions, but we can't only live our lives to conform to the expectations of others.