Sudden Changes in Dysphoria Intensity

[Mandy Cooper]

I recently started the coming out process, a little late in life at 59. But it wasn't exactly a choice. Up until this point, I'd been cross dressing on and off for as long as I can remember. But it was always an occasional thing, in the privacy of my own home and that was enough to keep my dysphoria at bay. But then last November or there abouts, something changed in me. Suddenly, I struggled to go more than a few days without dressing. So I started to dress more frequently. At that point, mostly just wearing undergarments. This quickly escalated to the point where I could no longer cope with my dysphoria by just wearing undergarments.
Over the course of the next few months, leading to around the start of February, this escalation continued, wearing female tops instead of my male alternatives, then wearing skirts whenever I was out of sight of my wife and kids until it got to the point that I had to come out. I literally couldn't contain it any longer. So I finally told my wife, then my kids. From that day forward, I've been dressed with a female presentation pretty much fulltime apart from one short hospital visit and on a Saturday morning when I wear my old clothes to take garden waste to the tip (This is a dirty job, which is the only reason I use the old male clothes, I don't want to ruin my female clothes).
Although I've suffered from dysphoria for a long time on and off, it's never been as intense as that before. I don't know if this escalation was my age or what. But for others that have come out, did you have a similar experience ? Is this type of escalation behind others coming out ?

Now my dressing has changed my priorities, as I have to visit government offices from time to time due to paperwork changes unrelated to my gender. So before hand, fear of having to use my ID documents (which all show male gender) makes me feel that I should present as male just for that trip. But as the time approaches, I just can't put on my male presentation anymore and end up going with female presentation and male identity documents. The discomfort of presenting as male is now worse than the discomfort of presenting as female and having to show male identity documents.
My doctor knows the details, but does not have any real knowledge of dysphoria, as she's more a GP than a specialist. She is, however, arranging for me to see the appropriate specialist in the near future. So my journey continues.

[Jackie C.]

Funny you should bring this up. I was talking to the girls last night during a zoom meeting and this exact topic bubbled to the surface along with a good analogy. I'm going to share. Dysphoria is a lot like having high blood pressure. You treat it. In this case by dressing. Except high blood pressure can lead to a heart attack. Boom! Now you had better take care of it before it ends your life.

 

I think all of us have moments like this. The dysphoria hits us so hard that we need to transition or we're going to do something drastic. I know I sure did.

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

38 minutes ago, Mandy Cooper said:

But as the time approaches, I just can't put on my male presentation anymore

I got kinda like this when I had first come out.  If I "had" to present male for some reason, I would get anxiety attacks.  Now I just don't do it. (present male)  Showing ID does bother me even though know I don't really pass.

[KathyLauren]

It sounds like the increase in your dysphoria hit you like a ton of bricks.  Mine was more like the proverbial frog in boiling water.  For me, it ramped up slowly enough that I didn't notice, until one day I did.

 

What seems to be a universal truth is that dysphoria never goes away, and it usually increases in intensity.

 

I am glad that you are doing something about it and getting set up to get professional help.

[MirandaB]

I hadn't really realized how often I was able to crossdress until covid happened and no one left the house very much. Took about 3 months of very limited opportunity before I just couldn't take it any more. Somehow I came to realize I needed HRT more than anything else ever. 

[Mandy Cooper]

@Jackie C.That is a good way to explain it. I've been very fortunate on the depression side of things and haven't really suffered much in that respect. 
@JandiAs far as ID goes, I can deal with people knowing I'm trans, but my ID book contains a photo, so it gives them an excuse for a closer inspection. That part I really don't like. But it's been much less of a problem than I was expecting, so far, I've only had one close inspection.

@KathyLaurenThis is definitely the worst dysphoria I've experienced, at least it has happened when I can deal with it. I'm not sure how I would have coped if I had to go to the office every day. Letting my employer know will be a hard one, I don't think it will be a problem from the management side, but I'm glad I'm able to put that off for a little while. I need a little more time to settle down as the new me.
@RhondaSThis might be what started it with me. When COVID-19 first started, there was a lot of disruption and suddenly the whole family was at home. So for quite some time, there was a lot to deal with. But that settled down during the course of last year, so maybe this is what happened to me. I then started to have more opportunity to dress and then the company decided that the remote working was to be a permanent thing, as everything the company does almost is done remotely anyway. So maybe having more opportunity to dress just took hold and I pushed myself to the tipping point without realizing.