Soul Crushing Dysphoria

[neo3000]

Hello, 

 

I write here in despair. I've been crying for three days non-stop because I am not male. I absolutely hate my reflection, and no matter how I dress or walk, nothing seems to give me that sweet little gender euphoria. I am very insecure and I can't bear being around other men. All I see in them are the things I don't have. 

 

I also fear that my partner may leave me for a "real" man. It's dumb, if it were the case she'd have done it a long time ago. But I feel in constant competition with the men out there and I'm afraid my personality won't hold up. 

 

I'm exhausted. I have thought of relapsing into being terminally online, but it won't do me any good. Summer is approaching and I can't be heating up in my room like my CPU. I challenged myself to not engage in any self-destructive behavior (smoking and drinking) but it's really hard. 

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I wish I could tell someone from my family, anyone. I fear they might be violent, I have too much to lose. I'm agonizing, I really am. I really cannot bear this body anymore: it feels like a life sentence. 

 

A lot of transphobic stuff happened this week. A lot. I don't know what's up, maybe I'm just out of luck. It's not even funny anymore, I can't brush it off. I've been called slurs cause I wore shorts once outside (and apparently, that clocked me? as if I passed in the first place.) I was looking at clothes and the salesman went out of his way to tell me that the women section was on another floor when women were looking at stuff in the same area as well. I've heard people whisper stuff as I pass in front of them.

 

I don't know man. I don't even look that unconventional. I dress like any other man, have the same hair as any other man, hell! i even am taller than some men. Is it my dainty hands? Or maybe my eyes are too big. Did they hear me talk? Was it my chest? Maybe my shoulders are too skinny. 

 

Either ways, a lot of thoughts are running through my mind and I find myself romanticizing death, -again-. It's like this feeling [dysphoria] never goes away. 

[VickySGV]

Talking about your problems here will help you somewhat, so keep it up and we will do what we can.  It is very difficult but for some reason Trans People have some of the highest resilience around.  I don't see any of the guys online here but they will be.  Talking to one of them would be a good way out of your pickle there.  Dysphoria can be a killer to some people, but they are the ones who do not reach out.  You don't say where you are in France, but in the bigger cities there are some clinics that can discretely get you the counseling you need to get you out of the rut, and the closet.  Look for LGBTQ centers in your area and they can refer you to groups that will help you, and who can refer you to a competent therapist.  Do keep posting, and do not give up or think of harming yourself. 

[Susan R]

4 hours ago, neo3000 said:

Either ways, a lot of thoughts are running through my mind and I find myself romanticizing death, -again-. It's like this feeling [dysphoria] never goes away. 

The only help I’ve found over the years for gender dysphoria is transition. Small steps toward the direction of transition can relieve some of the stressors that GD can bring. Even doing research on the topic of transition can help a bit without putting your current situation with friends and family in jeopardy.

 

One thing you might seriously consider to change those thoughts running through your mind is to start some new endeavor, activity or volunteering opportunity. It won’t specifically address the GD issue but having a new purpose or responsibility can help remove it from being ‘top of mind’ all the time. So what works for me is changing things up and introducing something new into my daily routine. IMHO, daily redundancy is a culprit that can lead to repeated thoughts about your need for gender change.

 

A short term method of changing thoughts and moods is ‘music’. The power of music never ceases to amaze me. It can change moods almost instantaneously. One thing you might try though. Try listening to something very calming. You can of course use google/youtube or simply spend a few hours on Soundcloud or other platform and begin a rabbit trail of wonderfully calming music there. I have used this technique myself to get my mood adjusted when I’m in the wrong frame of mind or moving toward a depressive state of mind.

 

I hope you are able to change things up whether it’s one of my suggestions or one of your own. Change is good when things aren’t going well and when doing what you’ve always been expected to do isn’t working.

 

*Hugs*

Susan R🌷

[Roach]

Hi Neo,

 

I wish I had a way to solve this, but unfortunately I’m in a similar situation. I truly understand how it feels when your mind never gives you a break, it’s something you can never stop thinking about. I sincerely hope tomorrow is easier. All I know is you are doing an incredible job taking care of yourself, and remember that none of this is your fault.

 

I usually find that talking to someone helps. I don’t know if this forum has a DM functionality, but if there’s anyone you’re willing to reach out to, it may help. I’m willing to chat, but if being online too often brings you down, do talk to someone in person or on the phone.

 

Some good advice I have been given:

 

Tell yourself, out loud, that your body doesn’t define your gender.

 

If you’re around other guys, instead of focusing on differences, try to find something you have in common. For example, I’m pretty short for a human, regardless of gender, but whenever I’m at the store I usually walk by some guy that is exactly my height. It makes me realize my height isn’t something abnormal, and there’s tons of adult men out there like me. It doesn’t even have to be physical: I wear glasses, and seeing other guys with similar looking frames puts me at ease. It looks like you’re already well ahead here, to be honest.

 

I take a lot of walks in places that don’t have tons of people, and try to just take in the world instead of reflecting on the day too much. Sometimes bringing friends along helps (bonus points if they’re loud and obnoxious, sometimes I can’t even hear myself think).

 

Overall, be easy on yourself dude. Yes, it IS unfair. You aren’t wrong to have these emotions. And yet, you are still an incredible and strong person, and nothing undermines that fact. You’ve made it this far, and you deserve to be proud of yourself.

 

I hope any of this helped at all. Take care out there, man.

[neo3000]

Thank you all for your replies, they were all very reassuring. I managed to calm down somehow. 

 

@VickySGV I thankfully live in a big city, though, I must admit that the topic of transitioning in any way is very sensitive. I'm telling y'all, I have very controlling parents, so the only choice I have left is to wait until I'm financially stable in case it all goes down. I cannot bear being emotionally and financially damaged at the same time, I don't think I can handle this yet 😅 

It's a shame there aren't as many social circles revolving around trans people though. I know a lot of lesbians, butch like femme, but I wish I could meet trans guys or at least, trans people in general in real life 😕 Most associations are very gay centered, and the main group that helps out queer youth has been exposed many times for having transphobic staff. 

 

@Susan R I do try to keep myself busy. These past days however, I couldn't really leave my bed, I felt too bad. If I didn't have duties, I don't think I would've ever gotten out. Changing things up seems like a good plan, I'll try to do so. As for music, I made an entire mixtape yesterday night, it helped me go through the night 😆 I hope, some day, I'll be able to medical transition. I know it'll only do good to me. 

 

@Roach I'd love to DM you, I'll do that in an instant. The only friends I can call are cis or non binary, it'll just be me rambling about thing they have no idea how bad feel 😕  I took your advice and tried to look for similarities instead of differences. It really does help, perspective really is a wild thing. You reminded me to call my very loud friend, it's been a while since I saw them. Hanging out with them will for sure keep me from thinking too much. 

 

[Charlize]

I don't know if it helps but when i was living as a male i noticed a great many of my "fellows" also were having difficulty feeling male enough.  There was a lot of chest bumping simply to prove themselves.  Putting others down was one way of showing manliness.  Hopefully bas you find peace with yourself as a male the compassion i see will remain.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Sol]

Looks like we're both going through some stuff. I definitely know that being called a woman or female in any way hurts, especially because there's still a lot of people in my life that still call me "she." Led to a bit of a breakdown in the bathroom a couple times.

And if it's any consolation, I don't pass great either, despite presenting more... boyish, for lack of a better word. Maybe it's the voice.

But this can get better, which I hope is comforting. Treat yourself to some self care, talk with your partner if you feel comfortable, and try to take it easy. It'll work out 💖

(And forgive my language, but the dude in the store is a dick.)

[Samuel William]

Hi Neo,

 

I hope things are starting to looking better for you. I’ve found myself in some dark places at times, too, and probably for similar reasons. It’s freaking hard when you’ve come to the realisation that you’re trans and allowed yourself to apply the label ‘male’ - but haven’t been able to be open publicly yet. I’m in a space where I tend to confuse strangers - it’s not unheard of for me to get ‘sir’ until I speak and then get hurriedly hit with ‘sorry, ma’am’ - and read as male by younger kids, but the adults around me won’t stop pushing feminine stereotypes at me.
 

For example, I’m a teacher, and though I’ve never once in my life been considered ‘girly,’ you should see the floral, pink, sparkly, pretty gifts parents gave me at the end of the last school year. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful - it’s lovely that they buy gifts at all - but damn it, they wouldn’t give that stuff to a teacher whose name starts with ‘Mr’ even if he happened to love pink, sparkly, flowery things. Looking at those kindly-meant offerings led to a soul-destroying combination of guilt (because you’re not supposed to be judgey about gifts) and dysphoria.
 

All of which is a kinda long-winded way of saying that I know what it’s like to struggle, and I hope things are looking up for you. 

[Russ Fenrisson]

A lot of great advice here! 

 

I have to agree with you @Susan R: Aristotle was right when he said music was a strange phenomenon, enough to sooth a beast. Depending on the tempo and tone, and if it has a singer or not, music can really help qwell a bad mood. At least once a month or every few weeks, I get in such a rut I can do nothing but lay in bed. When I get like that, I stay away from others and put on some music for a couple of hours and stare at my ceiling, watching as the daylight slowly disappears. In time, so does my bad mood. I hate the crippling depression, but this seems to be the only cure for my problem as of now.

 

@Roach What you said is pretty helpful too. When you step back and realize others are in the same boat, it helps to lessen your scrunity, especially if it's geared towards yourself. I know it's really helped me.

[Justsam]

Hi, I'm brand new to this group. I'm 37 years old and didn't start to transition until I was 26. Can I ask how old you are and have you started any sort of transitioning yet? 

 

I have had and still sometimes have the same feelings as you mention. I may be able to offer some advice. 

 

One piece of advice I can give you now is 100% don't compare yourself to anyone. You are you. I have male friends that are huge rugby players (I'm 165cm and 60kg) I also have male friends that are shorter than me and love watching Disney movies. Everyone is unique. Embrass your uniqueness. I know that's way easier said than done. I'm still a work in progress. One thing that really helped me was meditation. I use and app called Medito. Journaling is also another great way to get the negative thoughts out. But remember to always makes a point to wrote about the good things. The fact that you're here, expressing your concerns shows huge strength so wrote that down. 

 

Please don't hesitate to contact me. Can you send private messages here? I've literally been on this site for 10 minutes so I'm unsure haha. 

 

Sam

[Susan R]

2 minutes ago, Justsam said:

Can you send private messages here?

Yes, the easy way is to go to their profile and look for the Message button in the header,

[Justsam]

3 minutes ago, Susan R said:

Yes, the easy way is to go to their profile and look for the Message button in the header,

Cool. I'll let the person message me. I don't want to intrude if they are not ready to talk 😊

[Susan R]

On 8/6/2022 at 11:03 AM, Russ Fenrisson said:

When I get like that, I stay away from others and put on some music for a couple of hours

Works so well for me too @Russ Fenrisson.

[Russ Fenrisson]

@JustsamHello, and welcome to the site! I've been journaling for some time now and I have to agree, journaling can be helpful at times. It's a great way to vent feelings and work through otherwise complicated emotions so you can think more clearly in your everyday life. It's like a silent therapist, but of course, nothing beats the real thing.

 

I've been thinking of taking up meditation but I might need to review the techniques to make it more effective. I can meditate for a while and cancel things out, but I always feel sleepy somewhere in the middle. 😅 Maybe if I practice more I won't feel like that.

[Justsam]

8 hours ago, Russ Fenrisson said:

@JustsamHello, and welcome to the site! I've been journaling for some time now and I have to agree, journaling can be helpful at times. It's a great way to vent feelings and work through otherwise complicated emotions so you can think more clearly in your everyday life. It's like a silent therapist, but of course, nothing beats the real thing.

 

I've been thinking of taking up meditation but I might need to review the techniques to make it more effective. I can meditate for a while and cancel things out, but I always feel sleepy somewhere in the middle. 😅 Maybe if I practice more I won't feel like that.

Haha yes I used to fal asleep too. The app that I use starts with very small meditations of about 5 minutes and slowly builds up. Do you have any close friends that you can talk to and vent? Apart from us obviously 😁

[Russ Fenrisson]

@JustsamThat might be helpful. Just 5-15 minutes should suffice so I can find my focus and make it a habit.

 

Surprisingly, no. I don't have any close friends. I just never seemed to click with anyone in my life outside of my family. We would meet, have something in common, and then just gradually drift apart due to time and circumstance. I haven't told anyone outside my family of my status, and because of this, it's kind of prevented me from making any meaningful friends. I see I might have two or three prospects at a place I visit in real life sometimes, but it's hard to say. I've always sorta been a lone wolf. 

[Justsam]

9 hours ago, Russ Fenrisson said:

@JustsamThat might be helpful. Just 5-15 minutes should suffice so I can find my focus and make it a habit.

 

Surprisingly, no. I don't have any close friends. I just never seemed to click with anyone in my life outside of my family. We would meet, have something in common, and then just gradually drift apart due to time and circumstance. I haven't told anyone outside my family of my status, and because of this, it's kind of prevented me from making any meaningful friends. I see I might have two or three prospects at a place I visit in real life sometimes, but it's hard to say. I've always sorta been a lone wolf. 

I can understand that, I find it hard to make friends too. But don't worry about telling people you're transitioning. Just concentrate on making one good friend. Then when the time is right for you, you'll confide in each other. Only my closest friends know I'm ftm and I transitioned 10 years ago. It's no bodies business but yours, until you feel comfortable to share. If you don't mind me asking, where are you from?

On 8/11/2022 at 1:41 AM, Russ Fenrisson said:

@JustsamHello, and welcome to the site! I've been journaling for some time now and I have to agree, journaling can be helpful at times. It's a great way to vent feelings and work through otherwise complicated emotions so you can think more clearly in your everyday life. It's like a silent therapist, but of course, nothing beats the real thing.

 

I've been thinking of taking up meditation but I might need to review the techniques to make it more effective. I can meditate for a while and cancel things out, but I always feel sleepy somewhere in the middle. 😅 Maybe if I practice more I won't feel like that.

Haha yes I used to fal asleep too. The app that I use starts with very small meditations of about 5 minutes and slowly builds up. Do you have any close friends that you can talk to and vent? Apart from us obviously 😁

[Russ Fenrisson]

@JustsamYes, sometimes only one friend is just enough. As I've grown older, I've come to want to focus on one thing at a time; multi-tasking tends to up my adrenaline and make me feel stressed and unproductive. I can survive but only for so long. I don't know if I'll ever tell anyone else, but I'm always careful when talking to other people. Mundane subjects are fine but I get a bit nervous about personal questions. You never know how others feel just below the surface when reacting to your words.

 

I won't go into too much detail but I'm from a conservative state. I wasn't born in this state but I've lived here pretty much my whole life. I'd like to move, but that isn't convenient right now. Nowadays, I tend to distract myself with private studies and art.

[Justsam]

6 hours ago, Russ Fenrisson said:

@JustsamYes, sometimes only one friend is just enough. As I've grown older, I've come to want to focus on one thing at a time; multi-tasking tends to up my adrenaline and make me feel stressed and unproductive. I can survive but only for so long. I don't know if I'll ever tell anyone else, but I'm always careful when talking to other people. Mundane subjects are fine but I get a bit nervous about personal questions. You never know how others feel just below the surface when reacting to your words.

 

I won't go into too much detail but I'm from a conservative state. I wasn't born in this state but I've lived here pretty much my whole life. I'd like to move, but that isn't convenient right now. Nowadays, I tend to distract myself with private studies and art.

I am the worst at multitasking haha. You're definitely correct to focus on your studies, it'll allow you the freedom to move anywhere you want once you've completed it. Without my degree I would still be stuck in the UK. 

 

Personal questions can be tough, I still sometimes struggle now. But you will learn how to answer questions without having to say you're trans. And plus, it's no one's business but your own. Where I live now only one friend knows and I honestly can't remember how it came into conversation. Her response shocked me. She literally said "ah cool" and that was the end of that haha. I've had issues with some guys, you know the man's man type but I find the best way to deal with them is to just keep smiling and say thank you to whatever insult they throw my way. They're looking for a response so I make sure I don't give them the satisfaction. The further along you get with your transition the easier it gets because your baby smooth skin disappears, your muscle mass increases and your voice deepens. 

 

My beard has and always will be my favourite part of the whole journey haha. 

 

 

[Russ Fenrisson]

@Justsam That's always on my mind: the beard. If for no other reason, I just want a beard. I can do pretty much everything else on my own, but the beard is something you can only get when you start T. I can only dream... 😅

 

Sometimes, like you said, people just don't care: they just want companionship. As it goes with everything, people will eventually figure you're trans and decide it's really no big deal. You're just a fun person to be around. If not, then those people aren't worth it. In this world, finding a good solid friend can be tough.

[Justsam]

I watched every single hair of my beard come through haha. It's my pride and joy 😂 thankfully I never grew hair on my chest or back but the hair on my head is definitely disappearing haha. 

 

It's definitely difficult finding good friends. I'm 37 and still struggle. One of my closest friends here in Cambodia doesn't know I'm trans. She's Khmer and Khmer people tend to make jokes about most things. Like 'ladyboys' 'gay boys'. It's only meant in jest but I'm just not ready to handle the jokes because to me they aren't funny. 

[Russ Fenrisson]

@JustsamIt definitely takes some time. Every culture has a way of making jokes that might offend another group of people. However, once you get immersed in the culture, maybe those thoughts will go away? Who knows.

 

I don't know about the possibility of hair loss. I've had very short hair before and was totally fine with it, so maybe having a bald head would be no different. I think I'd look cool that way.

[Justsam]

I've lived in Asia for 7 years and even though I'm accustomed to their culture it still cuts a little to close to home. As for the hair loss. Not everyone looses hair. I'm not exactly bald, although I do now shave it off. When the T kicks in all the "girly" soft hair from around your hairline disappears. If you have a good shaped head then it doesn't matter. Luckily I do haha 

[Russ Fenrisson]

@Justsam I've been told I've got a good slapping head before! 😆 My head shape might be fine then. Glad to know of that beforehand. There's so many things that can happen when you start hormones that aren't talked about.

 

Yeah, some things are hard to pass up, even when they're jokes. For me, I don't like a lot of gay jokes because sometimes they're not coming from a place of understanding. I don't get outright mad, but those kind of ill jokes really speak volumes about a person.