Difficulty explaining my feelings

[Emmeline]

I recently came out to my partner as non binary and he has been very loving and supporting. However, I sense that he is still confused about what non binary means in my case and I guess I find it difficult to explain to him, even though it does feel clear to me (in a way).

 

I’ve explained to him that I want to present more femme at times and that I’ve had some mild dysphoria about my body shape and he understands that… but its hard to explain to someone that that doesn’t make me a woman or a man… I know that in my heart, but I feel like I need to justify how I know I feel that way, otherwise it’s like I’m making something up that I can’t prove.
 

don’t get me wrong, he’s not pressuring me to justify or anything like that. I just wish I could explain it in a way that helped him get it… I dunno, maybe that’s not as important as having his support in the first place

[Jackie C.]

My go to is like this:

 

I don't feel comfortable in my own skin with how society wants me to present. I would feel more comfortable presenting in a way that was more feminine.

 

I mean in my case it's a lot (a lot, I made a terrible dude) more feminine. I think I read as a soft-butch lesbian but I'm rocking it so it's all good.

 

Hugs!

[Emmeline]

Thank you for your reply, that’s a very useful way to explain presentation. What stumps me, I guess, is the following reply:

 

“why can’t you present how you like and still call yourself a man (since you’re amab and clearly show as amab)?”

 

the answer to that is that I don’t FEEL, and don’t want to be SEEN, as a man. But that’s harder to explain, since many people relate to the binary and can’t imagine anything in between

[Delcina B]

For most of my life I saw gender as binary; I think this is why I was so angry & confused about my feelings & thoughts. When I began to take an honest, hard look at me, & thankfully found this forum, someone here mentioned the book My New Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein. While I didn't find it super helpful in finding out who I am, it did expose me to gender as a spectrum, one a person could move around on. This was helpful. I don't know that this answers the why question. I get your answer, but as you said, it's hard for many to understand gender outside the binary.

[Emmeline]

Thanks, I have heard of that book, but haven't read it. Will see if I can check it out

[Mandy Cooper]

Not sure if this explanation helps, but I recently started the coming out process, things changed in me for some reason. Until recently, though I always had a female side, I presented as male partly to fit in (that was a huge part) but partly because I felt I was more male than female. If you think of gender is a scale from male to female, just to keep things simple, in my case, previously I was somewhere between the male side and the halfway point. But things changed recently and my gender identity moved over more towards the female side. So I'm currently presenting more as female because that makes me comfortable. But I still have a male side to me, so I consider myself non binary at this point even though I'm taking a female name and presenting more as female.
For me, being comfortable is presenting in a way that matches the predominant side of my gender identity. So that's the direction I'm moving in.

[Emmeline]

Thank you for sharing that. Yeah I feel similar, there has always been a female side to me that I’ve just hidden away. Now that I’m finally exploring it, it’s all I think about and I want to present very feminine. But I feel connected to my male side too, so I think I may actually fall midway…. But Like I said, I’ve only started exploring now, so I’ve got a lot more learning ahead of me!