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Uncertainty


LearningWhoIAm

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Hello. I've never posted on a forum before so I apologize if I make any mistakes. 

I'm 23 years old and have only in this last year realized I'm trans. Growing up I was always the tomboy, and in highschool I was a very rebellious short haired goth. I was always an outcast, and I was raised in a pretty stict environment where even thinking about stuff like this was taboo.

Shortly after highschool I met my now husband (we'll call him H). H and I hit it off right away and got married after dating for a few years. This year will be our third wedding anniversary. 

We have a two year old son and up until last fall things were perfect. After getting married I ditched a lot of my old look and really reinforced being a "perfect mom". I constantly wore dresses, baked cookies, cleaned the house, worked from home, everything I thought the ideal wife should be. 

A lot of my friends are nonbinary, trans, or other gender non-conforming identities. I was talking with one of my nonbinary friends and I realized I'd never really explored that part of myself or thought about my own gender identity. The more I explored, the more I realized I don't want the dresses. I don't want to be a she/her. It doesn't feel right. I don't think it ever did. 

My main concern is telling my husband. While he is in no way transphobic, I know this will be a huge shock to him. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to lose him. But I also can't lie to him anymore. He deserves honesty. I'm just really afraid and I feel very isolated. I'm only out to two of my friends and thankfully they are both supportive and loving. 

Thank you for letting me post this and get some pressure off. 

-Logan

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52 minutes ago, LearningWhoIAm said:

My main concern is telling my husband. While he is in no way transphobic, I know this will be a huge shock to him. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to lose him. But I also can't lie to him anymore. He deserves honesty. I'm just really afraid and I feel very isolated. I'm only out to two of my friends and thankfully they are both supportive and loving. 

 

Yeah, this can be trouble. I've got a masc-presenting NB friend who lost their husband over coming out. He enjoyed the, ahem, side-effects of T on his spouse, but couldn't let himself be seen with his partner. Hopefully, your husband is fine with it. Fingers crossed for you sweetie!

 

Hugs!

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3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Yeah, this can be trouble. I've got a masc-presenting NB friend who lost their husband over coming out. He enjoyed the, ahem, side-effects of T on his spouse, but couldn't let himself be seen with his partner. Hopefully, your husband is fine with it. Fingers crossed for you sweetie!

 

Hugs!

Thank you so much for your kind words. 

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Kia Ora, Logan.  You're near the same stage I am!  I told my husband a couple months ago.  It was incredibly scary because I have this great life built around me as mum.  My husband and I are still figuring out what this means for us.  He's had some reactions I would never have expected, both good and bad.  We're still very much in the thick of it.  Lots of positive vibes in your direction as you work through this.

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15 hours ago, JacobLevado said:

 We're still very much in the thick of it.  Lots of positive vibes in your direction as you work through this.

Thank you! If I may ask, how did you originally come out to your spouse? I'm at a loss of how to even start. 

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54 minutes ago, LearningWhoIAm said:

how did you originally come out to your spouse? I'm at a loss of how to even start. 

 

For me, a trans non-binary AMAB, I chose to use a letter that my spouse could read first and then start reacting and asking questions.  This worked well for me; I spent several weeks carefully composing it, as I didn't want to leave anything important out, which could be easy to do during such a nerve-wracking moment.

 

This did come out of the blue for her; the passage of time (now 4 years ago) has helped her to see the clear benefits of me being myself. The other major advancement forward was her agreeing to jointly attend therapy sessions (after my initial meeting), as it opened up lines of communication which are so essential to maintaining a marriage.  We're partners in this, so involving her was so important.

 

Best of luck,

 

Astrid

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Welcome, and good luck, Logan!

I came out to my wife about a month and a half ago. Like Astrid, I had a letter prepared, for me not to give her, but to use as notes when I got nervous (and it really helped). It went much better than I feared. I suppose the suspense and fear are almost always worse than the reality, at least in the moment. Since then, we've only spoken about it once. I can tell she's uncomfortable and adjusting to the idea. And that it seems she really doesn't want to talk about it. But I've read enough of other people's stories to know patience is super important.

I'm so glad to hear you have several friends who are trans or otherwise gender non-conforming. I have to imagine that not only gives you a network of support, but also means your husband has been exposed to many ways of living and being, and may give him a better perspective from which to come to terms, in time, with your situation. (My wife has a very close friend who is gay, but otherwise neither of us have any trans or gnc friends.)

From one newbie to another: I'm glad you're here and sharing with us ❤️

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6 hours ago, LearningWhoIAm said:

how did you originally come out to your spouse?

Hello @LearningWhoIAm. Welcome to our forum!

 

When I came out to my wife, I was in experiencing a deep depression….not so much from the gender dysphoria I was experiencing but from hiding a part of myself from her. I had never hid anything this serious from her during our (then) 20 years of marriage.

 

I agree with @Astrid who mentioned writing a coming out letter which I think is a great idea. I was caught off guard when my wife suddenly came over and sat next to me on the sofa. She then asked me with complete sincerity to please share with her what was wrong. By that time, she knew it was serious. My coming out went pretty well but if I had pre-written a letter it would have been a little more fluid and contained fewer rabbit trails. Even if you decide you don’t want to use the letter, knowing it’s contents by writing it out and reading it a few times may help you organize your thoughts and save some misunderstandings during your discussion.

 

I started from the beginning but only touched on major parts of my hidden life that led to where I was mentally and emotionally. A very important thing is to be honest and open without unloading your entire hidden life history on them all at once. Too much detail can be overwhelming and can take away from your original intent. The last thing that some overlook is finding the best time and quietest place. When I came out, I was lucky. I had the rest of the evening with my wife to discuss and answer her questions. If at all possible, a quiet setting with as few interruptions as possible (phones, tablets, etc..) will be very helpful too.

 

I wish you the very best on this upcoming disclosure and hope that your spouse receives it with an open mind and heart.❤️

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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8 hours ago, LearningWhoIAm said:

Thank you! If I may ask, how did you originally come out to your spouse? I'm at a loss of how to even start. 

 

Well... I think I might have done it wrong.  I had told him before that I always felt like a boy growing up, but in our religious tradition that really didn't mean I was trans.  Trans-ness wasn't part of our understanding of the universe.  A couple years ago I pretty much lost my faith, which was awful in some ways, but it also bought me the internal freedom to find a language and set of ideas for myself that felt valid and validating. 

 

Anyhow, for me coming out was less "I've always felt like a boy" and more "the thing you knew?  It means this other thing now.". So, I guess it was more of a theological discussion, and is happening over time.  It's complicated by the fact that he kinda thinks (hopes?) this is a phase and I'll get over my religious issue and come back to the fold.  So ... I think maybe I messed it up somehow?

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13 hours ago, Astrid said:

This did come out of the blue for her; the passage of time (now 4 years ago) has helped her to see the clear benefits of me being myself. The other major advancement forward was her agreeing to jointly attend therapy sessions (after my initial meeting), as it opened up lines of communication which are so essential to maintaining a marriage.  We're partners in this, so involving her was so important.

I agree that communication is essential. I've felt really guilty about this because my husband and I so heavily reinforce honesty in our relationship. I will also be attending therapy soon. My best friend is non binary and recommended I try at least one session with their therapist. (Their therapist has years of experience with trans, nonbinary, gnc clients). Thank you so much for your kindness and advice. I really appreciate it. 

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12 hours ago, Zelaire said:

 

I'm so glad to hear you have several friends who are trans or otherwise gender non-conforming. I have to imagine that not only gives you a network of support, but also means your husband has been exposed to many ways of living and being, and may give him a better perspective from which to come to terms, in time, with your situation. (My wife has a very close friend who is gay, but otherwise neither of us have any trans or gnc friends.)

From one newbie to another: I'm glad you're here and sharing with us ❤️

Thank you so much! I'm very glad he has our friends, I know that he will need their perspective and support through this. We have a weekly Dungeons and Dragons group we host and we are all very close. While I want to come out one on one with my husband, I think it would be a good thing to discuss in a small group format too. 

And im very glad to be here. It's good bot to feel alone. 

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7 hours ago, Susan R said:

Hello @LearningWhoIAm. Welcome to our forum!

 

When I came out to my wife, I was in experiencing a deep depression….not so much from the gender dysphoria I was experiencing but from hiding a part of myself from her. I had never hid anything this serious from her during our (then) 20 years of marriage.

 

I agree with @Astrid who mentioned writing a coming out letter which I think is a great idea. 

 

I wish you the very best on this upcoming disclosure and hope that your spouse receives it with an open mind and heart.❤️

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

Thank you Susan for your wonderful advice and warm welcome! I think a letter would be a great idea, I'm just worried I'll chicken out. My husband definitely knows something is up, but there are several other major life events going on right now and I think he's attributing my stress to those. I'm hoping to come out once a few of those other stressors are resolved in the next two weeks. 

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6 hours ago, JacobLevado said:

  It's complicated by the fact that he kinda thinks (hopes?) this is a phase and I'll get over my religious issue and come back to the fold.  So ... I think maybe I messed it up somehow?

Thank you for the advice Jacob. I'm worried that my spouse will think this is a phase too. Especially because while I was more masculine growing up, I never fully realized these thoughts until this last year. Sending support to you!

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15 minutes ago, LearningWhoIAm said:

My best friend is non binary and recommended I try at least one session with their therapist. (Their therapist has years of experience with trans, nonbinary, gnc clients).

 

That is an awesome idea. You'd be surprised how much that can help.

 

9 minutes ago, LearningWhoIAm said:

We have a weekly Dungeons and Dragons group we host and we are all very close.

 

Yeah... when I came out to my D&D group, they said, "Well DUH," and we went back to playing. They might know more than you think.

 

Best of luck sweetie!

 

Hugs!

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4 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Yeah... when I came out to my D&D group, they said, "Well DUH," and we went back to playing. They might know more than you think.

 

Best of luck sweetie!

 

Hugs!

My best friend is part of our D&D group and after I initially told them they keep messaging me saying that I should cosplay my half orc! (He is very handsome.) My oldest brother is also part of our D&D group and I think he knows more too but he would never say anything unless I bring something up first. 

Thank you Jackie! 

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1 hour ago, LearningWhoIAm said:

My best friend is part of our D&D group and after I initially told them they keep messaging me saying that I should cosplay my half orc! (He is very handsome.)

 

Nice to know somebody else "cross-dresses" when they play D&D. I did that for... like two decades before I finally came out. It releases the pressure a bit, doesn't it?

 

1 hour ago, LearningWhoIAm said:

My oldest brother is also part of our D&D group and I think he knows more too but he would never say anything unless I bring something up first.

 

That's part of the code. Another member of my D&D group is trans and I had her pegged a good year before she finally came out. We don't out our brothers, sisters and friends though until they're ready, so we just sit on it and get ready to be supportive when their egg finally cracks.

 

Hugs!

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I have to say, ever since my egg cracked I have wondered about a long-time D&D/art friend of mine who ALWAYS played female characters, kept long hair, dressed androgynously... And grew up in a strongly religious household... so I've wondered maybe he's got something up in the brainpan we might talk about someday, too? 😅 Sitting on it for now, Jackie! Advice well taken.

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2 hours ago, Zelaire said:

I have to say, ever since my egg cracked I have wondered about a long-time D&D/art friend of mine who ALWAYS played female characters, kept long hair, dressed androgynously...

 

I have a friend who is CONVINCED that D&D is just for queer kids. Every one of her kids and their friends are queer in some fashion and loves to play. I keep telling her: Only HALF my group is queer. Some of them are autistic.

 

Hugs!

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11 hours ago, LearningWhoIAm said:

My best friend is non binary and recommended I try at least one session with their therapist. (Their therapist has years of experience with trans, nonbinary, gnc clients).

I'm very glad to hear that the therapist you'll be meeting with is experienced with gender non-conforming people.  Because they've worked with couples before in the same or similar situation as you two, they can provide insight that is beneficial for each/both of you.  For example, they're likely to be able to provide a prospective for your spouse about how and why gender non-conforming people feel the way they do, and introduce terms and concepts that are likely new for him. Additionally, your therapist can provide helpful guidance for you (a major reason you're there), as well as ways the two of you can keep your lines of communication open.

 

It can be difficult at times to open up to one's spouse, given how we've repressed our thoughts for so long.  It's not like flipping a light switch and changing learned behaviors immediately. That's one of the reasons therapy sessions are helpful.

 

11 hours ago, LearningWhoIAm said:

I'm worried that my spouse will think this is a phase too. Especially because while I was more masculine growing up, I never fully realized these thoughts until this last year.

 

Being [insert gender non-conforming label here] does NOT mean you have to have known since you were age 3.  There are an uncountable number of members of Transpulse who took decades to arrive at a point where they were ready to come out, many in their 50s, 60s, or even later.  (I came out to my spouse soon after my retirement at age 69, and am now 73.)  In retrospect, often through counseling, we can see signs of our past behavior that point to where we are now.  But it's often a very long process to, as you say, fully realize your thoughts.  And that's fine. 

 

The fact that I am a much happier person now, and have remained so to my spouse ever since coming out, helps to reassure her that this is not just a phase.

 

Kind regards,

 

Astrid

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On 5/4/2022 at 8:34 PM, Astrid said:

The fact that I am a much happier person now, and have remained so to my spouse ever since coming out, helps to reassure her that this is not just a phase.

I know I would be much happier coming out. And I know my husband wants me to be happy. I just don't want to hurt him and I think this will. Thank you for the advice Astrid!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Update to everyone: 

 

I'll be coming out to my husband once he gets home from work. I cant hide from him anymore, i feel too guilty. I've had the worst anxiety I've ever felt today. I keep crying and shaking and it just feels awful. I've never felt more afraid in my life. Wish me luck. 

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11 minutes ago, LearningWhoIAm said:

Update to everyone: 

 

I'll be coming out to my husband once he gets home from work. I cant hide from him anymore, i feel too guilty. I've had the worst anxiety I've ever felt today. I keep crying and shaking and it just feels awful. I've never felt more afraid in my life. Wish me luck. 

 

Luck sweetie! May he be understanding and happy to come on this journey with you, no matter where it may lead.

 

Hugs!

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17 minutes ago, LearningWhoIAm said:

I'll be coming out to my husband once he gets home from work. I cant hide from him anymore, i feel too guilty. I've had the worst anxiety I've ever felt today. I keep crying and shaking and it just feels awful. I've never felt more afraid in my life. Wish me luck. 

 

Coming out is a cathartic experience. For me, it really reduced a lot of built-up stress and worry. May you find clarity in expressing all the things you wish to say. This is an important milestone, but it's also a point that you are soon past, and then other important things will be there for the two of you to work on, hopefully together.

 

As @Susan R mentioned, may you have a distraction-free evening to begin this new chapter in your lives.

 

Hugs and reassurance,

 

Astrid

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@LearningWhoIAm  Best of luck!  I really feel for you. 

 

Although I'm not sure exactly who I am, I'm uncertain about what any change will mean for my relationship with my husband.  I'm sure whatever tension I'm feeling is way bigger for you.  💔  I do hope that one way or another, you'll experience peace and resolution. 

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Another update: 

 

I think I have one of the worst coming out stories of all time.

My husband cried, yelled, slammed doors. It was a mess. He stormed out leaving me in tears. About 20 minutes later he came back. He yelled at me " What did you think would happen? That I'd say no problem sweetie I love you? I'm not gay!" He then started crying in a way that I've never seen him cry. He motioned for me to go over by the couch by him and we hugged and cried for a solid 15 minutes. We then sat next to each other and talked. I said that I didn't want to lose him, that we could grow together. He said he didn't think he could grow that much. 

 

We talked for a while after that and he said he wants to be with me "for as long as we've got." I told him I'm not going anywhere, that I'm still me. But he firmly believes that I'm going to turn into a complete stranger. 

 

Things have returned to more normal. He's cooled off now and even cooked dinner for us. 

 

I don't know what to say or think. On one hand I'm relieved that this secret is gone. On the other hand I'm heartbroken because I think once I start to medically transition my husband will leave. 

 

I feel like a monster. I feel like I've destroyed my family and my marriage. I'm so lost and I feel so alone. 

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      Welcome @violet r! Glad you joined our forum and got through the hardest part…that first post. As many have mentioned, we are more than accepting here as we affirm your gender identity and hold no judgement, whatsoever. There’s so much here on this forum, I think you’ll find very helpful. If you have trouble finding an answer just reach out, try the search but starting a new thread is usually best to get some quick answers. Many are here for various transgender related issues but many, if not all, are here to help one another if we can. It’s great to have you onboard.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Willow
      good evening   good day at work today.  I did do some things a little out of normal but everything was completed successfully.  As I said earlier, the Asst Mgr was my second today.  I don’t think she was too happy about that.  Several customers asked her where Richard was her answer was the manager cut his hours.  Well that is only part of the story,  his hours were cut just like mine were and several others but in his case he made demands about his hours that couldn’t be met.  But instead of making some non complaining remark about it she made sure to lay it all on the manager, thus throwing the manager under the bus.  Similarly when asked why she hadn’t been at work early mornings, she said she was being punished by the manager.  Well that’s partly true, she wouldn’t do what the manager told her to do so she took her off opening.  But secondarily she didn’t have a car to drive temporarily.  You can’t open the store without a car because who ever opens has tasks that require them to leave the store, so it was  at least partly her own fault.  But she chose to throw the manager under the bus for that.  I think she is asking to be fired for insubordination.  And if the manager gets these conversations off the security tape tomorrow she just might get her wish.   im pretty close to being ready to take the asst position but there isn’t anyone ready to take over my job, at least not at our store.  I suppose the other shift lead could if she is able to work earlier shifts and if the other closers were just a bit more reliable.   Ive been wanting some homefried chicken.  We found a BBQ place not far away that had such a chicken but I is made fresh when ordered so it has a 30 minute wait.  It was worth the wait and the other things we tried were also good.  Another restaurant on the list.  At least half of what we ordered came home for another meal.   i get to sleep in tomorrow, I go to work at 1:30!   Willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
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