Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Deer caught in headlights


Maria Viklund

Recommended Posts

Trying to go out there and just doing my own thing i canst shake the feeling that everyone is looking at me

and that makes me feel like the classic "deer caught in headlights".

I know that feeling will pass eventually, as my transition progresses further.

But for now, not "passing" at all (i would say) it's really hard but i know that if

i push myself to go out there it will become easier.

But how long will it take to shake that feeling of everyone looking at me?

Link to comment
  • Admin

I have a TRUE story of my own experience about opening the door of a women's rest room and seeing a very Terrible and Judgmental woman coming toward me whom I felt would cause trouble for me.  It turned out that there was a mirror on the wall, and I was the woman I feared the most.   I did not see the moral and theme at the time, but today I laugh over it and with feelings of humility admit I was the worst saboteur of my own Transition from start to finish.

Link to comment
5 hours ago, Maria Viklund said:

Trying to go out there and just doing my own thing i canst shake the feeling that everyone is looking at me

and that makes me feel like the classic "deer caught in headlights".

I know that feeling will pass eventually, as my transition progresses further.

But for now, not "passing" at all (i would say) it's really hard but i know that if

i push myself to go out there it will become easier.

But how long will it take to shake that feeling of everyone looking at me?

I started off slowly last summer, walking around the local park, wearing more or less female-looking clothing. I just knew that I was being judged, but just tried to put it out of my mind. Cold weather dress here in northern Illinois, along with masking, helped me feel more at ease - nobody giveaways that I'm trans. It allowed me to become truly comfortable dressing female out and about. As the masks and extra layers have all but disappeared (still not quite shorts and tank top weather here), I am now even more comfortable in my own skin and manner of dress. Do I pass all the time, frequently, or occasionally? I don't know, but being Hannah 95% of the time (and being old) allows me to not give a (insert naughty word of your choice here) what anybody else thinks. No time frame really - different for everyone. Like you said, just push it and get out there. You are you, and they're not.

Link to comment

Oh my, @Maria Viklundyou have brought back memories of the not so distant past. It was a year ago this past December when I first ever stepped out of the house (full disclosure - the camper I live in) dressed en femme. In the dark of night way out in the country I was so scared someone would jump out of the bushes & see me. No one did, & after a bit I felt so exhilarated. The first few times out driving to therapy & group were much the same.  In group one girl explained it like  this, "Everyone is too busy with their own life & problems to really notice you; if they do look, the guys normally go from looking down & stop at the chest, women may look at your face and if by chance "clock" you (notice you're transgender) will mostly just smile." I've found this to be partially true. While I still feel self conscious a lot of the time, I try not to show it & exude confidence instead, as the same girl suggested. If someone can't accept me that's their issue not mine. Do I pass, probably not very often, but I'm more comfortable in my skin today than ever. I try to improve my presentation & work on my voice, it's a work in progress.

 

@VickySGVThat is a wonderful story & so true for me too.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

Link to comment

It took me about 6 months to get past that. That's being out full time.  You're going to go through phases of it. Winter is usually easier because you are bundled up more but then summer rolls around...

The last time I was concerned was when I pushed the limits on a bathing suit while in the tropics.  I"m sure I get looks of curiosity but I've stopped looking around to see if people are staring.  Psychologically the shift came when I realized I loved who I was becoming and no longer worried if I "passed". I'm OK if people see me and instantly know I'm trans. Once I hit that point, I never worried again (expect the one bathing suit but that may not have been so much a trans thing as a "am I going to fall out of this thing" worry. lol

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
16 hours ago, Maria Viklund said:

how long will it take to shake that feeling of everyone looking at me?

Hi @Maria Viklund, I’m sure this varies greatly within our community. It was much easier when I was younger and hanging out in the predominant LGBTQ area of Seattle. I very quickly became comfortable because the community presence was so prominent and no one seems to judge one another.

 

I met my wife and went back into the closet. Flash forward 20 years later, I finally came out a second time. It took me about 6-7 months before I felt comfortable enough to go full time presenting as my true self in a very CIS dominant public area. I realized then that Susan is who I really was and that I deserve to be myself despite what others thought. It’s been mostly good throughout my journey.

 

I don’t have nearly as many worries about it now but on rare occasions, I am caught by surprise. I think 3-4 months ago was my last experience dealing with this kind of worry. I was on my daily walk and asked a neighbor friend down the road something in passing and he quickly responded to me with a “Yes Sir!” and went about his business like it was nothing. I didn’t respond as I didn’t know if it was intentional. It could have been just a no brainer military response as some have suggested but I was surprised it bothered me so very much. For a short time, I began to think (worry?) about my presentation more than I used to in public. After working through it with my therapist and some good friends here, my confidence seemed to eventually return. Maybe I’m the only one here that still has these occasional experiences after all these years but I can tell you, it does get better in time.

 

Susan R🌷

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Early on i remember those first steps out.  It was terrifying.  I would drive somewhere where i could change in the car and each time i got out of the car i was sure everybody was watching me.  Little by little i forced myself to get out of the car and by a pack of gum or a soda.  I would get home and try to remember every interaction.   I'm not sure how long it took to feel comfortable but  be assured it happens.  In time i've found a level of comfort in myself that almost amazes me.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 123 Guests (See full list)

    • Faye1972
    • Petra Jane
    • Karen Carey
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,942
    • Most Online
      8,356

    taxicab
    Newest Member
    taxicab
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Colorado isn't exactly a Republican place, and won't become one anytime soon.  I think those folks might be better off not spending their time playing Don Quixote.    We certainly have our share of California "refugees" moving into where I live, so I wouldn't be surprised to start seeing Coloradans too.  I suspect the trend over the next few years will see the blue areas getting more blue and the red areas getting more red as anybody who can relocate tries to find a place where they fit better.   
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, at least it'll be a place some folks could choose.  Options are a good thing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      My family would have gobbled that jar up in a minute or two.  When we do have pickled herring, its usually for Christmas.  I didn't grow up with that particular dish, but I grew up in a Greek family so I like just about any kind of fish if I can get it.  However, ocean fish and freshwater fish taste so different.  We usually have more catfish and tilapia to eat than anything else.    What I can't quite get used to is the tons of cabbage my GF insists on eating.  When you live with a Russian, there is always cabbage soup.  Always.  When I first moved in with her, breakfast was "shchi" for soup and either bread or "kasha" which is a bowl of boiled buckwheat with butter and salt.  Those dishes can be made in any number of ways, some are better than others.  In the winter, it can even be salty and sour like kraut.  Not exactly sauerkraut, but packed in tubs with vinegar and salt so it keeps partially for the winter.  But I drew the line when the cabbage soup included pieces of fried snake one day.  😆
    • Ashley0616
      Good evening to you as well @Mmindy   That is awesome that you have support from her side. My dad has communicated with me once and that was because he was forced to. His new wife wanted to spend time with my kids. He hated me so much he was in the process of taking my rights away as a parent to my two boys. He was talking to a lawyer and I called him out on it. I don't love him at all. I'll respect him because I wouldn't be here without him but I wished I had another father. My uncles don't talk to me and unfriended me on Facebook. Almost all cousins except for two are still Facebook friends but they don't give me any support. My mom said she won't support me with that but she has said that she loves me. I have nieces and nephews that are still Facebook friends but they have yet to talk to me. I have one sister that supports me out of three. The other's disrespect me by deadnaming me. They have never called me their sister. I think for them they think it's still a phase. They don't ask questions about me being trans. I have to bring it up and on the look of their faces they don't look comfortable about it. 
    • Mmindy
      Good evening @Ashley0616,   I just got offline with HP tech support trying to get my printer tool box icon locked to my tool bar. This is one of the most important features of my printer that I like because it keeps track of ink, paper, and scanned documents. I'm diffidently not a computer geek.   I'll catch up with the other bookmarks next week. We leave to go home for the Easter Holiday with our families. Saturday with her side, and Sunday with my side. What's odd about that is I'm out to more of her side and they're reluctantly supportive. My side on the other hand are less supportive, and my sister just under me in age will not acknowledge my being there. She will be constantly moving to keep from dealing with me. I'm dead to her.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • Ashley0616
      I used to follow baseball and the team I would cheer for is Boston Red Sox. My favorite player was Papi. He was an awesome guy and even held a child during the National Anthem. I haven't watched baseball for a long time. It just died off to me. 
    • Ashley0616
      That stinks that nothing transferred, and no bookmarks were saved! 
    • Ashley0616
      I'm doing patches for now but I think soon I'll go to shots because it's hard to alternate when you are doing two xx patches at once. Unless she gives me Estradiol and progesterone
    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...