Can't stand this feeling

[Cary]

Hello everyone,

I made my intro post a few days ago, describing what up until the last few days, had been the result of my personal journey, thus far. 

Around the beginning I thought the term androgyne fit me pretty well, and was content with that for a bit, until talking with someone for a little bit and, for various reasons, coming to the conclusion that I am a trans man. These two points, when I was identifying as androgyne and, later, as a trans man are the only points in my journey so far, where I can say I have actually felt any kind of euphoria at all. I was happy, first with androgyne and even happier when I arrived at trans man. More than happy, to put it lightly.

Then, one night, for reasons I explained in my intro post, I was very suddenly overcome with a feeling of feeling female. Not entirely, but enough to say it pretty much felt like slamming into a brick wall.

I hoped the feeling would pass by the next day, but it hadn't, and I was left confused and distressed.

In that post, I also detailed how the whole next day, I pretty much felt somewhere in between male and female, but that I wasn't finding it particularly bothersome, at the time, anyway.

Well, a few days have passed, and the feeling has faded quite a bit. So much so, that while working on some gender workbook activities, I found I could not bring myself to refer to myself as anything other than he/him, as I was instructed to write in the third person.

But now, and the last couple of days, I have still been having "moments" of feeling female, and at this point I can no longer say it isn't bothering me.

It's not only confusing and distressing, but I find it's actually starting to make me angry. I'm really just trying to ignore it, as it's very upsetting, and I really don't feel like this feeling "belongs" to me, so to speak. It doesn't feel like me. I don't know how else to describe it, but to ME, it feels like some invading enemy is trying to hang out in my head, messing around with me, and refusing to leave. 

I won't even go into the vague neutral feeling too much, because I find it to be negligible, at most.

I have plenty of dysphoria around parts of my body, but this almost feels like some kind of emotional/mental(?) dysphoria. Is that even a thing?

I don't know what it is or why it's happening, but if it continues, perhaps androgyne was really fitting for me in the first place. 

I don't know. Anyone have any thoughts? Has anyone else experienced something like this?

[Vidanjali]

Hi @Cary . If you were raised and socialized as a girl/woman, then it seems normal that you would have feminine feelings or behaviors sort of creep up on you because that is what you were programmed, so to speak, to "be" or perform for your whole life. I ID as nonbinary and possibly trans masc, and I have moments of female-ness that annoy me too. But, I understand those moments as behavioral habits. For example, for all my life when having my photo taken, my reaction to perform gender was to strike a "cutesy" pose like cocking my head to one side, or pushing out one hip, etc. I learned to perform similar demuring postures in social interactions when I was the object of attention too. I became aware that these behaviors and reactions were performative for me because I was terrified of being construed as a freak and being harassed or ostracized for whatever would otherwise come naturally to me (worse, I thought I was a freak, and hated myself for not being "normal"). I'm learning to let that go, but sometimes I catch myself doing a thing like that, and it really annoys me. If this is resonating with you, note that you can sublimate that anger into affirmation and healing. You experience a feeling or behavior that does not feel like you. Instead of seeing it as a denial of yourself, take the opportunity to to observe it, consider that it's not something necessarily innate but something you learned, care for the you of the past who was so good at learning to survive, forgive yourself for self-directed anger, and celebrate that you are now learning to discern what's natural to you. 

[Cary]

I guess I should have worded part of that differently. I know the emotional/mental dysphoria is a real thing. I suppose I'm questioning it because I did identify as androgyne for awhile, and even though I've had strong feelings of physical dysphoria for most of my life, "feeling" female to any degree has never really bothered me to this extent. To the extent that I'm actually annoyed and angry about it.

So, I suppose I should have asked if this is a new possibility that has been added to my personal journey, considering the circumstances.

[Cary]

Hello, @Vidanjali,

Thank you for your reply! I guess I'm not the only one who has had these feelings. I really appreciate you offering me your perspective on my situation, because I hadn't really even considered looking at it the way you've talked about here.

Yeah, I've had a long time of living and doing what I thought I "should" be doing. Growing up in the dark ages (before internet, lol), I didn't know there was really any other possible life for a long time. Obviously, was aware of a few different things way back when, but I don't remember being trans or anything else even being a talked about when I was young. If it was, the adults surely did a job of keeping it hidden. 

Well, you've definitely given me something to consider, and I think will take some time and think about what you've said for awhile.

Thank you again!

 

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, Cary said:

Growing up in the dark ages (before internet, lol), I didn't know there was really any other possible life for a long time. Obviously, was aware of a few different things way back when, but I don't remember being trans or anything else even being a talked about when I was young. If it was, the adults surely did a job of keeping it hidden. 

I think it was like that for a lot of us older folks here.  

[Cary]

Hi again, @Jandi,

I agree. I think that's one reason I'm having trouble with labels. I feel like I've been doing research for quite awhile, and still running into new terms a lot.

I know I probably shouldn't be too worried about labels, but I'm someone who has a tendency to dig myself into a rabbit hole, because I've always had this burning desire to get to the bottom of things...anything and everything. Unfortunately, it usually doesn't work out, lol.😆

But now that I'm on my self-discovery journey, I find myself digging again, and not likely to stop until I figure something out. That's just me.🙂

It is really nice to be on this forum, and see that there are quite a few people here who had similar experiences when we were younger, and everyone here has been been very welcoming to me, and I really appreciate that.

Thank you for your reply!