Some days are just heavy

[JacobLevado]

I'm pre-T transmale (maybe no-T transmale) and sometimes it's just heavy.  I'm involved in a work project where they asked me to be involved both because of my knowledge of the subject matter and because I'm a member of the community being served.  The project is in the "community engagement" phase, and it's very frustrating because it's an establishment LGBTQ+ organization (heavy on white, cis gay men) interacting with an NGO (which I work for) and government organization (also dominated by cis, white people).  Recently, I discussed our project in an open forum within my own community (LGBTQ+ people in our region) as a member of the community myself.  A couple of days later I got a 6 paragraph e-mail, written in dense bureaucratese saying that while they appreciate my attempts to engage their community, I risk triggering trans and gender diverse people who may not know how to ensure their own privacy.  He tells me instead that his organization has to manage all community engagement to prevent triggering trans people and exposing them to exposure.  I brought it up to the project lead within my organization, and she told me basically to just suck it up because we had to play nice with the LGBTQ+ org.  But part of why I went outside of this group is that they represent an incredibly narrow demographic... and also because I'm a Queer person talking to other Queer people because it's good to feel validated and supported, and I'm doing something cool and want to share the joy and hope that this project brings to me and the rest of us.

 

There are so many layers to how upset I am about this.  First, I have pretty significant social anxiety, so a huge part of me is like "Oh, -crap-, I did it wrong *again* and messed up a social thing."  Second, I already often feel marginalized in the community because I'm not the poster child trans guy with a beard and surgery, and this just furthers that.  Third, I'm pissed that this guy thinks trans people are so delicate we can't work social media without hurting ourselves, like we're toddlers with a kitchen knife.  And now I'm wondering if I should just step back from the project because clearly, between coming out issues, anxiety, and being suicidal a few months ago this might be too much.  But then another part of me is like... well, isn't that crummy.  I have to wait until I'm psychologically healthy and whole and can't be triggered until I can advocate for my own people and myself.  But when is that going to happen, realistically, given that I've been like this my whole life in large part because the world is so intolerant of trans people.  

 

Looking for any kind of advice or support.  Not sure if anyone has been here before.

[Vidanjali]

Hey @JacobLevado . I'm sorry you're going through what sounds like such a frustrating conflict. I'd like to understand the situation better. I'm assuming you're out at work since they tagged you to be involved for the reasons you stated. So, you're attempting to engage the community for the community engagement phase, and were told it's not safe for the community to be engaged by you? What instigated the response from the LGBT+ org? That is, how did they become aware that you had engaged in outreach? Are you able to share more about the vision for this project you're working on? It could be that the org needs to ensure safety, etc. using whatever outreach tools they've determined for liability purposes. Is it possible for you to offer your service as a liaison to the trans community within the parameters the org defines? Can you politely and respectfully (diplomatically, that is) reach out to the org to learn more about their strategies for engaging the trans community? I completely understand how this seems like a big blow and personally defeating and hurtful. Please do what you need to to care for yourself. Work stuff is usually not personal, but rather - as you identified - bureaucratic. Perhaps with sufficient careful communication, you can figure out how to work with the org to be of service and to advocate for your own visibility too. 

[Robin]

I think that the problem is that the "community" does not really exist.  There is just an ideology that aims to bring together a wide range of people, many of whom have little in common.

 

Robin.

[Vidanjali]

...P.S. I meant to comment on the not being the poster child trans guy comment you made. That is a slippery slope, my friend. I think we as trans people have a unique relationship with the concept of imposter syndrome - not "normal" enough vs. not trans enough. The beauty of transness is that it does not look like one thing. Each of us is trans in our own way. For some, the ideal is to express as much as possible as a binary gender, however that is uniquely understood. For others, it's allowing ourselves to express outside the proverbial box. For many, it's a bit from column A & a bit from column B, and it may be an ongoing exploration with no particular destination. Specifically, there are all variety of men. You get to decide what kind of man you are, and nothing anyone else says or insinuates will change that. I pray you'll feel your power. I relate to this struggle in my own way as a nonbinary person. For example, I've come out to certain friends only to have them continue to "hey girl!" me. What is nonbinary supposed to look like? What is a man supposed to look like? Let's all learn to celebrate who we are, however we are. With hope, others will eventually too. 

 

 

[JacobLevado]

@Vidanjali hi, I have been thinking about how to reply to your first post.  It's complicated because I live in a small country and it wouldn't take much info for this to be identifying.  So, with that in mind... The topic isn't all that sensitive, and there will be ways for community members to engage that are not identifying.

 

What I said, in a social forum, was -- hey, there is a group of us working on a project to do XYZ, if anyone wants to chat.  And a number of people did want to chat.  So we chatted.  It wasn't any formal community engagement by my org or me.  Most of the chatting, as you would expect given the social context, was "oh, that's cool... I'm interested in this other thing that's related" or "I have this skill set, is there a possible role for me" or "would you be keen to get involved with this other thing?"

 

As far as how he found out?  Small community.  I've tried to make contact but he's flaky - proposes a time to talk, I arrange my schedule and in one case childcare, and then something comes up for him or he fails to confirm.

 

Anyway -- yes!  I'm out at work, but in a bit of a compromise.  Long story that, and also a bit stressful to negotiate.  But getting there.

 

I should add, having now talked through this with some people (and thought through it myself) I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing.  I also think I'm getting the measure of the man, and that's helped my inner peace around it.  My first post was at the end of a very long day.

[Heather Nicole]

Hi @JacobLevado!

 

I don't know that I really have any advice or insight into your situation to offer, although I'm glad to hear you're feeling better about it all now. But I just wanted to say that I have social anxiety too, including some pretty major rejection sensitivity (which I didn't even know was "a thing" until fairly recently!) So FWIW, I think I can understand, at the very least, how that particular aspect of your story would feel.

 

I also think it's fantastic, FWIW, that you're at least in a position to be able to help with something LGBTQ+-related as part of your job.

 

Of course, I've dealt with bureaucracy and boilerplate, too. Sometimes it has it's reasons. And sometimes it's just pointless, counterproductive, or even outright harmful. And oftentimes, it can be difficult to even to be sure one way or the other. (And then sometimes, the person writing or sending the boilerplate hates doing so but has their own hands tied. Or...they may just simply be a big giant...BZZZT!-REDACTED!-)

 

[Vidanjali]

@JacobLevado I'm glad you're feeling better about the situation. Indeed, confirming the dude's a bit of a flake definitely ought to relieve the taking it personally aspect. 

 

As @Heather Nicole emphasized, it's awesome you do get to do something LGBT+ related with your work. 

 

Community is so important for our health and well-being. Case in point, just having this forum where you can vent after a tough day to folks who get you and won't judge you - a community in which you don't have to justify or explain who you are - is a treasure. 

[Mx.Drago]

Hey there. I'm glad in the end things turned up and wanted to give you words of encouragement, you're awesome and brave for wanting to help people in the community. It takes a lot of courage to stand up infront of people and talk, period. The whole point of you speaking for the event, was to help give a safe space to discuss and give exposure. That guy who email you all that BS, is a gutless coward covering his own butthole cuz of a "maybe" with nothing to show. Gods forbid the guy might have to stand up for somebodyelse. It's people like him who prevent the exposure the community needs to organize and communicate. He probably got a letter from a donor who wasn't satisfied with the presentation. If there's going to be high expectations, they needed to give you a script to follow if that's the case. Don't beat yourself up over it, you did good work and to hell with that guy for being shameless and thoughtless.