The unfolding uncertainty

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I guess I've always been unsure of my identity, but only in recent years have I been able to figure out why.  I didn't know anything about sex until I learned about it in school, and when I looked at the diagrams of the male anatomy, I always wondered "why don't I have that?"  It just seemed more logical somehow.  I've never felt like I belonged in my body.

 

Fast forward to my teenage years.  The other girls developed, and I didn't.  I got taller and stronger and I played sports, but never got curvy or anything.  Even my sister grew into an A-cup bra... I've never needed or wanted one.  Unfortunately, my girl parts down below don't match what the other girls have.  I've got the same stuff....just bigger and I've always felt awkward.  Kept me from really dating until I met my GF in my mid-20's.  It didn't help that a gynecologist made a very pointed remark to my mother about it when I was around 12-13, and my mother shamed me for it and told me that I'd never catch a husband.  Thanks, Mom. 

 

At least until recently, I didn't want a husband.  I identified as a lesbian.  I settled down with my GF, and then I fell in love with another girl who happened to be married to my GF's ex-BF.  And then GF got with him again, and we all moved in together.  Long, long story.  So at this point, I've got multiple female partners and a man that I call my husband (we're married in the eyes of our faith community, but not legally) 

 

My relationship with my husband has a very high level of attraction, with one issue.  When I'm with him, it intensifies the feeling that I have the wrong body.  I don't know how else to put it into words.  We've tried to do the normal husband/wife intimate stuff, and it doesn't quite work for us.  I even tried to get pregnant, until a doctor told me that I'd need some hormone adjustments to be able to do that, which I don't really want to do.  But that just one more thing that makes me feel deficient, or that I'm not a "real" girl. 

 

I feel that way some of the time with my GF and I've attempted to express my feelings about it to her, but I can't really put it into words very well.  She commented that I'm not a boy, because I'm not dominant at all.  To me, that's not so much sex/gender as it is "demeanor" or a way of being. 

 

So, a summary of the issues:

 

Body - not quite girl

Appearance - androgynous teenager (I look ridiculously young, even though I'm early 30's)

Soul -  Uncertain. 

Gender - flexible?  fluid? Halfways?

Sexuality - Bi???

Demeanor - sweet and timid, easily hurt, creative when I'm comfortable.

 

I'm totally confused about who/what/how I'm supposed to be.  No idea what label to use, or if I need to think about that.  I use feminine pronouns out of habit.  Thoughts?

 

 

[Ivy]

Welcome Awkward-but-sweet 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Ugh, these feelings are really killing me today.  IDK why, but it seems to get worse with time.

[VickySGV]

Have you been to a clinic and evaluated for Differences of Sexual Development (DSD.) aka Intersexed? You say you live in the Rural South where that type of medical help is not readily available in local clinics.  I am not a doctor, but some of what you describe could be internal hormone and other genetic variations that are strictly physical and diagnoseable.  Learning that will not really change much for you, but it will give you a basis for some other plans ahead. Sexuality is much more complicated that just male or female.  Look up the subject I mentioned on-line and you will see some things to ask about, possibly going to a medical school in your area for the insight you may need. 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@VickySGV  I've been looked at by doctors, but not specifically for DSD.  I would think my ob-gyn would have mentioned it last year when I was investigating my infertility issues.  And years before I was evaluated regarding my hormones, and offered a prescription to balance them (which I declined.)  

 

I suppose to pursue that aspect, I would need to find a doctor in a more populated area.  The biggest problem for me is mental/emotional.  I would be fine with my body if I could just fit in it.  

 

You're definitely right saying that sexuality is complicated.  The most complicated issue in my life by far.  It bothers me when I hear people talking about it being a "choice."  Thankfully, I'm not close to anybody who says that.  It wish so much that I had a choice to easily be a wife and mother with no doubts. 

 

 

[VickySGV]

@awkward-yet-sweet  As I said in another of your posts, find what makes you comfortable showing the world, your dream about being married and nurturing children can be realized no matter what you appear to be.  I have friends that are all over the place as being Trans or Cis, Gay in many combinations with each other and who have the most wonderful young and by now teen children.  Giving your own biological child or an adopted, foster or step child a mother's nurture does not depend on adhering to a stereotype of what parents are.  The important thing is that the children are given a safe and loving home, despite dad having either a beard or breasts, or mom who looks like and is a construction worker who loves throwing baseballs and footballs in games with the child but still snuggles with the children and kisses skinned knees.  I see all of this in the Trans friends I know. 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

19 hours ago, VickySGV said:

@awkward-yet-sweet  As I said in another of your posts, find what makes you comfortable showing the world, your dream about being married and nurturing children can be realized no matter what you appear to be.  I have friends that are all over the place as being Trans or Cis, Gay in many combinations with each other and who have the most wonderful young and by now teen children.  Giving your own biological child or an adopted, foster or step child a mother's nurture does not depend on adhering to a stereotype of what parents are.  The important thing is that the children are given a safe and loving home, despite dad having either a beard or breasts, or mom who looks like and is a construction worker who loves throwing baseballs and footballs in games with the child but still snuggles with the children and kisses skinned knees.  I see all of this in the Trans friends I know. 

Luckily for me, I already have kids in my life.  My GF had five children with my husband...so I get to be a bonus parent for all the good times.  A couple of my other female partners also have kids, and we raise them all together.  They're definitely going to experience a wide range of male/female/etc behavior.  GF is a total tomboy, and she was actually laying concrete while she was pregnant with #5 and watching her other four.  

 

It did kind of bother me for a while to not be easily able to have my own biological children....but I think ultimately I was looking to find a way to be a *real* girl.  Being unable to do it reinforced the feeling that I'm just not worth much.  😔