mtf hrt in the closet

[Ticket For Epic]

I'd like to preface (that's how you spell that?!  Who knew?) this by saying that I know everyone responds differently, at different rates and with a staggering range of ultimate outcomes, so I would take any reply with a grain of salt.  That said, how long might someone have before they start to raise eyebrows amongst those aren't "in the know", but have known you for years.  And how long might someone have before... say... a lesbian leaning bisexual sister that married a trans man and has been close friends with several (trans men) but has (I'm relatively sure) had little interaction with trans women, (same for me, runs in the family I guess) start to ask questions, if at all?  Though I'm assuming that's unlikely.

 

Why is this one so hard to hit submit on!?  Huge wave of anxiety!

[KathyLauren]

After I started HRT, it was about two months before the girls had grown enough that they were at risk of being noticeable.  By that time, I needed to wear a bra.  (Not for support: five years later, I still struggle to fill an A cup.  More for motion control.)  I was able to hide it under thick winter shirts, but as the weather warmed in spring, that became less of a possibility. 

 

The final straw was playing in a concert band's spring concert.  The uniform was white top/black bottom.  There was no way to hide a bra under a white shirt, so I had to go out and buy a (man's) white tank top to go under it to hide the bra. 

 

Shortly thereafter, I ended the charade and came out, exactly three months after starting HRT.

[Carolyn Marie]

Given all the usual caveats, I'd say the 8-12 months is a good range for when "the girls" might become visible.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Astrid]

I think I was in @Carolyn Marie's range of about 12 months when I really could benefit from a bra and the motion control that @KathyLauren mentioned.

 

That said, I'm now at the 2 1/2-year HRT point, and I like that I can still choose to accentuate my boobs (by wearing a conventional bra), have gentle curves (by wearing a sports bra), or pretty much hide my boobs (by wearing a tight camisole under a shirt); this allows me freedom to dress as I want, depending on the occasion and place.  (I identify as non-binary, so I may have a bit different rationale than MtF folks.)

 

Astrid

[stveee]

If you mean anyone suspecting you are trans, really seems it's like the last thing people guess. Like they may notice the changes, but no connecting the dots. So you can be confident in continually being misgendered.

Another change is in the face when the skin starts to glow and look younger and feminize and people might ask you about your regimen or how in the heck you are growing younger? 

so you may have to invent a routine

 

 

[Ticket For Epic]

It might be relevant to mention that I am and have always been built like an elite athlete.  I don't workout but due to the muscle memory I developed as a professional ballet dancer in my youth I merely have to think about activity to build muscle.  I'm 5' 9 1/2",  roughly 170lbs, hover around 9-11 percent bodyfat (according to the navy method)  42 inch bust 30 inch waist 14 inch arms, a constant 6 pack and to top it all a off vacularity and muscular striations.  I look like I live in the gym. 

 

I'm not concerned about the world a large really, just those that know me...  family, employer and especially my sister who I mentioned is married to a trans man and so is at least in part in the know.  I'm almost certain he is catching on and that is a touch terrifying.   He gave me and my sister a group hug a while back after he made a joke about dysphoria and said "At least  you guys were born in the right body", then looked me square in the eyes and said... "right ~name I hate~"  and held my gaze until I broke looked at the floor and gave the weakest "yea...".   Awkward!   I may just be paranoid but if anyone is going to see through me...

[Ticket For Epic]

58 minutes ago, Hannah Renee said:

I confess I'm curious about your sister. Would it not be safe to be able to confide in her, at least?

Just reading the put my heart in my throat and stomach on the floor...  genuinely nauseated!!!! 

 

Biggest reason?...  self doubt.  I'm 42 and my egg suddenly, violently and unexpectedly exploded 8 months ago.  To the point I started taking that "rapid onset" bull-shirt seriously for a minute (for the record...  I don't).  I keep flip-flopping between "how could I have been so blind, all the signs where there?" To "This is crazy, where is all this coming from?". 

 

Wow, I am actively hyperventilating right now!

 

I just thought I was a passionate ally that used to crossdress.  Granted only when costumes were appropriate.  There are a litany of other signs as well but I'm not looking to write a book here. 

 

There was one tiny moment in my mid 20's where I think I was just about to say "hold up" but my girlfriend introduced me to Eddie Izzard and when I heard him say "executive transvestite" that was it...  i grew a beard, clung to "executive transvestite"  like a life preserver and never for second looked back. 

 

I had my one and only "purge" 15 years ago but never let go of the transvestite label and would wouldn't hesitate to admit to if the topic arose.

 

I was extraordinarily effeminate as teen and young adult (my early childhood is a blank aside from a flash here or there,until about 12) and I was told by everyone in the queer(I was dubbed "honorary gay" more times than I can count) community that they couldn't wait for me to come out of the closet...  so I've been waiting for the gay, even tried a couple times... couldn't rise to the occasion, lol(so sorry, could help myself) 

 

I don't know...  it think I've been conflating gender and sexuality all my life.  I wonder if I were attracted to men if I would have realized sooner? 

 

I think I just need to see a gender psychologist a few times and hear a professional tell me I'm not crazy, it's not in my head. 

 

For the record, (I don't think I have ever admitted to this in my life)  I am not okay.  I'm not in danger of self harm or anything (gave that up in my 20's) but I am slowly drowning not quite meeting my obligations but failing to the point it's raising red flags to others, just quietly slipping away.

 

Well that dark aaaaaaaand I'm out before I lose the nerve to hit send.

 

 

 

[Ticket For Epic]

3 minutes ago, Ticket For Epic said:

obligations but failing to the point it's raising red flags to others,

*obligations but NOT failing*  (that's contextually important! )   we need an edit feature

[DeeDee]

30 minutes ago, Ticket For Epic said:

I think I just need to see a gender psychologist a few times and hear a professional tell me I'm not crazy, it's not in my head. 

Honestly @Ticket For Epic my egg cracked spectacularly just as I hit my 40th Birthday and I had many of the same worries. I spent ages wondering how much was in my head and how much was me just hiding from my problems. Talking out loud with a counsellor helped a lot, and once I had spoken to someone out loud it made telling others so much easier, just start with people that you know are affirming. HRT has helped with the mental background noise so I could start thinking about day to day things again.

[Ticket For Epic]

29 minutes ago, DeeDee said:

my egg cracked spectacularly just as I hit my 40th Birthday and I had many of the same worries.

You have no idea (or perhaps you do!)  How much I needed to read that! 

 

Everytime I turn around I hear about or come across someone who told their mom when they we're 4 or some crap like that. 

[Michelle_Anne]

On 5/29/2022 at 12:34 PM, DeeDee said:

Honestly @Ticket For Epic my egg cracked spectacularly just as I hit my 40th Birthday and I had many of the same worries. I spent ages wondering how much was in my head and how much was me just hiding from my problems. Talking out loud with a counsellor helped a lot, and once I had spoken to someone out loud it made telling others so much easier, just start with people that you know are affirming. HRT has helped with the mental background noise so I could start thinking about day to day things again.

Dee you’re right about talking out loud to someone. Since my first therapist appointment last Thursday all I’ve wanted to do was talk to people more 

[miz miranda]

2 hours ago, Limitededition said:

I spent ages wondering how much was in my head and how much was me just hiding from my problems. Talking out loud with a counsellor helped a lot, and once I had spoken to someone out loud it made telling others so much easier, just start with people that you know are affirming.

My moment of truth came at 67, your description exactly describes my mental gymnastics to insist what I'm feeling is not real just in my head. Once you acknowledge it even a little bit so much of that noise fades away.

[Jennifer-TG]

Hello to everyone participating on this thread.

I have a few concerns myself that seem to fit this topic so I'll respond with a few questions and concerns of my own and hopefully someone can help put my mind at ease or change my mind before I go to far. Hopefully this won't be to long so I'll apologize now just in case.....

 

I grew up in a middle class family, one that I later found out was dysfunctional but being little I had no idea of what was going on behind closed doors between the parents. Needless to say I grew up with 2 older sisters and 1 younger sister. As I can recall growing up I was not the boy next door type and didn't fit in well with the other boys in my town but I wasn't overly feminine either. I just didn't really fit in for whatever the reason was. Keep in mind I was born in 1965 so by the time I became of age to start school at age 5 it was 1970 and the bulk of my growing up took place in the 70's.

 

I remember at age 6 my mother and her friend dressed me up as a little girl for the school Halloween parade and party. I remember putting up a big fuss and crying that I didn't want to be a girl and I wanted to be a scary monster, but they continued to dress me up as a little girl. After I settled down and realized there was no way out of this I just went with it. To my surprise by the end of that day I enjoyed being dressed like I was and eventually played dress up with my older sisters when ever we "played house"....I usually ended up as the baby girl because I fit into my little sisters clothes. After a few times of me being dressed as a baby girl I began to like it until the day my oldest sister lied to my mother and told her that I dress up all the time and for her to go upstairs and have a look. Needless to say my sister didn't tell my mother we were playing and that they actually dressed me this way. To my mothers dismay she found her son dressed like a little baby girl and having a good time. She stood at the door long enough to see for herself that I was enjoying it so at that point she yelled at me, which startled me, "what the hell do you think you are doing... so my son is a sissy baby?" In the 70's or at least in my town, that was the word they used for what I was seen doing. I remember getting the paddle on my butt and was kept dressed like a little girl for the night so my father could get to see me when he got home from work. Which I don't have to tell you did not bode well for me. I got punished again with a belt and put into my sisters crib for the next few days. I had no idea my older sister told my mother at the time so I eventually got talked into playing "house" again and again. I liked it, I don't know why but I did. I was eventually outed again several times and my mother simply gave in and said if you want to dress like a sissy go right ahead. The dress up game ended a few years later when my older sisters got to old to play but the idea of dressing was implanted into my brain. I didn't cross dress for many many years and in fact totally pushed it out of my head for a very very long time. Fast forward and a lot of other painful stories from over the years....I'm now 56 years old and I started to cross dress again about 5 years ago. I have purged several times over that period of time until the last time 2 years ago when I actually cried after I threw everything away. I ended up going out not long after and started buying things again a little at a time. Then some sort of switch clicked in and being a cross dresser or a "sissy" was no longer good enough and I began to research transitioning. In 2020 I bought HRT drugs online and began to self medicate. I felt validated in my own mind and it made me feel good, however I stopped because the risks were to high to do on my own and I put it aside for awhile. I ended up going to a doctor who did all the required paperwork and ran blood tests on me and later in the week I was put on HRT. I do <some> estradiol and <some> spironolactone twice a day for a total of <some> estradiol and <some> of spiro and have been on this dose for a couple of months. I go back for a follow up in August.

 

Now the questions....

First of all I don't think I could ever pass. I've lost to much hair on my head and I have a very deep voice like very deep. I don't think there are enough vocal coaches out there, nor the amount of time required to ever fix my man voice.

 

However I still feel the need to be on HRT and after a few months I can honestly say I have no side effects from the medications plus I take 3 other medications for my heart. I had a heart attack 5 years ago and had a stent put in so I'm on a few drugs for blood pressure and blood thinners but my doctor says that the HRT meds will work fine with my other medications so there is no need to worry.

 

My question or questions are:

Is it possible to be on HRT and never come out of the closest?

Is the dosage my doctor put me on normal to start with and will the dosages get even higher?

Without changing my voice or changing the way I present which is currently "male" simply because I have no choice at this point and I have a job that I don't want to lose.

How long will it be before I can no longer hide what is happening to my body ie: breast growth.

Speaking of breast growth, I already have a bit of a puffy chest even before starting HRT although hidden by my shirts, but is that a good platform for real breast growth that I will eventually not be able to hide....if so how long do you think it will be before that happens? I have had several boughts of tingling sensation in my breasts area and nipples already and one episode of being "itchy" up there.

 

Lastly....how long does it take before HRT begins to kill erections and eventually shrink my testies? I have already discussed a possible orchiectomy with my doctor at the very first visit. The main reason is to not have to be on to many drugs for long periods of time. The reason for the erection question is I want any chances of that happening to stop....forever and I hate my testicles.

 

In closing, I have no idea why or where going from a part time cross dresser turned into the need to transition but the urge came on strong and will not go away. I felt great when I self medicated and it hurt me when I had to stop for safety reasons and now being put on HRT by a real doctor sort of validates that I should be on it anyway.

 

Hopefully I didn't hi-jack the thread but my story and issues seem to align with the original posters questions.

 

Thank you all for your time to read this and any answers or advice.

John.....secretly "Jennifer"

Edited July 17, 2022 by Jackie C.
Dosages removed

[DeeDee]

Hi Jennifer, your story is one that resonates! I grew up happily playing with my sisters and with a dad that was less than impressed when he caught me in their clothes when he came home, then sometimes buying and throwing out clothes as an adult. Everything imploded when I turned 40 and I went and found someone and started the process of counselling, and am now transitioning.

I wear wigs for my own peace of mind and have had no issues, my friends have been great accepting me as a woman; and while I haven't done voice coaching, with practice you can do a lot for your voice if you choose, it's not just high/low voices! Listen to Nina Simone, Etta James, Toni Braxton and Anastacia!

We all have things about ourselves that we wish we could change, but so does every woman.

Don't let age and fear be the only things stopping you transitioning, the whole point is to get to a place where you are happy being you.

 

With regards to a couple of your questions:

Yes - not everyone who starts HRT transitions publicly, your med requirements and dosage are between you and your doctor as everyone is different.

As for growth. People tend to see what they want to see, so if they expect middle age spread and man boobs, that's what they see (under a shirt) I am still switching presentations, one for work and home, and one for friends and where I'm safe. I was told I looked like someone who knows their way around a gym recently because my breasts were taken for large pecs by the person doing the gym induction. Oddly my most manly compliment in years lol

[Jackie C.]

So first off, I'd like to remind @Jennifer-TG that we can't share dosages on the site. Your dosage of whatever you are taking is between you and your endo.

 

7 hours ago, Jennifer-TG said:

First of all I don't think I could ever pass. I've lost to much hair on my head and I have a very deep voice like very deep. I don't think there are enough vocal coaches out there, nor the amount of time required to ever fix my man voice.

 

You'd be surprised. It's more about resonance than pitch. You could easily turn that into a sultry feminine voice.

 

7 hours ago, Jennifer-TG said:

Is it possible to be on HRT and never come out of the closest?

 

Your chest might give you away at some point. Especially if you go shirtless. I mean, I have B-cups here and they do not look like man-boobs. 

 

7 hours ago, Jennifer-TG said:

Is the dosage my doctor put me on normal to start with and will the dosages get even higher?

 

 

Your doctor will find a dosage that gets you to female-normal T and E levels. Whatever dosage that is. We're all different and our bodies process different drugs at different rates.

 

7 hours ago, Jennifer-TG said:

How long will it be before I can no longer hide what is happening to my body ie: breast growth.

 

Speed of results varies WILDLY, but the official time-table is breast growth is complete within 2-6 years. Some of us go faster, some slower. Remember that ONE girl in 4th grade who came back from summer vacation with D cups? You might be her. There's no telling.

 

7 hours ago, Jennifer-TG said:

Lastly....how long does it take before HRT begins to kill erections and eventually shrink my testies? I have already discussed a possible orchiectomy with my doctor at the very first visit. The main reason is to not have to be on to many drugs for long periods of time. The reason for the erection question is I want any chances of that happening to stop....forever and I hate my testicles.

 

Again, results may vary. My testicles got smaller in the two years I was on spiro, but I never lost my ability to have an erection. What I DID lose was spontaneous erections which I saw as more of a feature than a bug. I can see wanting to drop the spiro though, I had to pee constantly.

 

So yeah, as a girl of similar vintage and experience (though I stole my mom's clothes, I don't have sisters), I see where you're coming from. The official timeline says all changes will be complete by year ten, but mileage varies greatly. I'd be concerned about the changes to your face as well if you don't want "anyone to know." Fat redistributes itself. Features change.

You might want to have a plan in place to transition at work is what I'm saying. Personally, where I work now, nobody has ever known me as anyone else and I absolutely love it.

 

Hugs!

[Jennifer-TG]

Thank you DeeDee and Jackie C for your input and comments and advice.

I'm sorry I mentioned my dosage in the original post. I didn't know that was a no no.

 

I suppose one of the issues I have with myself that I didn't mention above is mainly in my mind and my own self doubt. The main question I keep asking myself is....am I just a sissy or a cross dresser or should I continue heading down this path of transition regardless of what it looks like. Am I making the right decision or am I on a path of destroying the last years of my life chasing something I perhaps should have chased many years ago? I suppose the answer to the question would have been a definite yes back in my late teens early 20's but as of now, so many years have passed. The one thing that I can't put my finger on is why after all these years has this seemingly come from left field and began consuming my thoughts the majority of the time. The cross dressing was put away many many years ago and I never looked back and then out of the blue something triggered it to begin again 5 years ago. Then 2 years ago the transitioning question came into being and it has a grip on me. As I mentioned in my other post I self medicated for about 3 months or so in 2020 and out of fear of something bad happening medically I put it away on my own. Now in 2022 I have been to a new doctor who screened me with questions about my past, what I do currently and the next thing I knew I was taken to the lab and had blood work done and a few days later I got a call to go to the pharmacy and pick up my prescriptions and she will see me in 3 months. I'm now into month 2 and a half-ish....haven't missed a dose. Like I'm taking medication because a doctor prescribed it to me and I should do what the doctor says. Does that sound weird?

[Carolyn Marie]

40 minutes ago, Jennifer-TG said:

 Now in 2022 I have been to a new doctor who screened me with questions about my past, what I do currently and the next thing I knew I was taken to the lab and had blood work done and a few days later I got a call to go to the pharmacy and pick up my prescriptions and she will see me in 3 months. I'm now into month 2 and a half-ish....haven't missed a dose. Like I'm taking medication because a doctor prescribed it to me and I should do what the doctor says. Does that sound weird?

 

Jennifer, this raises questions in my mind.  Such as, why would your doctor prescribe HRT meds if you haven't seen a therapist yet, and apparently didn't directly tell them that you wanted to transition?  Also, why haven't you yet seen a gender therapist if you've already taken hormones and/or blockers and you seem to have serious doubts about whether transition is right for you, or whether you are or are not trans, or a cross dresser, or...?

 

Transition isn't something to do without some serious introspection and consideration of all that could come from it, be it family issues, work issues, health issues, etc.  If you don't yet know who you really are and why you want to transition, I urge you to a) see a gender therapist for at least a few sessions and b) talk to your doctor about stopping your meds while you figure things out.  Rushing into a life altering decision is not in your best interest.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jennifer-TG]

3 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

 

Jennifer, this raises questions in my mind.  Such as, why would your doctor prescribe HRT meds if you haven't seen a therapist yet, and apparently didn't directly tell them that you wanted to transition?  Also, why haven't you yet seen a gender therapist if you've already taken hormones and/or blockers and you seem to have serious doubts about whether transition is right for you, or whether you are or are not trans, or a cross dresser, or...?

 

I went to a medical physicality that covers a wide range of medical practices and is also a place that is an informed consent location. The questions about my past and my current situation were fairly comprehensive and I didn't lie or hold anything back from her. I told her pretty much what I mentioned above as my back ground and what I have been doing over the past 5 years. She seemed to put together a picture in her own mind I suppose. The conversation in her office went on for 45 minutes or so before she escorted me to the lab where a tech took my blood. When I was done in the lab I was taken back to the examination room where I was originally and the Dr had a stack of paperwork sitting there. I was a tad bit lite headed and simply flipped the pages over on the clipboard and signed the bottom on the pages that required a signature without reading any of them. I know....that's stupid but I just wanted to get that stuff over with and move on to whatever was going to be next. There was nothing next, I signed the paperwork and she was very kind and attentive. She didn't try to rush me out of the office, she simply said ok sweety, that's it for now. I'll get the lab results back in 24 to 48 hours and I'll contact you once I've looked everything over. And as I mentioned above....it was like 3 or 4 days later I was called by one of her staff who told me to go to my pharmacy and pick up my prescriptions, take them exactly as prescribed and the doctor will see you back here in 90 days to go over your labs and to take more blood samples. That was that.....I have been on HRT for about 2 and a half months. No adverse effects and they are not conflicting my heart medications so technically, everything is ok.