My Views on Clothes

[Sol]

So, this is obscenely early in the morning, and I'm running off my mild anxiety-induced insomnia, and I just got done watching a video by a YouTuber I like that I only just now realized was a trans guy like me.

I'm not going to link the video here, but if you want, you can check out the page Oakwyrm. He's a disabled trans man who breaks down a lot of disability in media, or talks about other stuff like queer representation and the like. I like him a lot, and I recommend watching his channel.

With that tangent out of the way, this particular video (again, not linking but you might know it when you see it if you check out the page) got me thinking about my view on clothes. This is pretty fitting because I actually bought a couple of new shirts... yesterday, I guess. I may even end up posting pictures later.

But I started evaluating my own thoughts and feelings about certain types of clothes, and some of it comes with the general mood of "How did I not figure out I wasn't cis sooner?" 

When I was little, I wore what my parents bought for me, with some input from myself about what I liked. I liked sparkles and pretty colors, I liked little graphics of Chihuahuas wearing sweaters, and I liked wool rainbow llama hoodies. I didn't care much about what I was wearing, so long as it was colorful and pretty.

That changed when I had to start wearing bras. I started becoming more uncomfortable with clothing I previously thought were fine, specifically v-neck shirts. I also hated the bras (some of which were ill fitting) but refused to take them off unless it was to shower and change them. This only escalated once I got my hands on sports bras. Again, I refused to take them off. 

I also started wearing more masculine clothing, even buying the boy's khaki shorts and polo shirts because they were cheaper and fit better. I wore a skirt exactly once, and promptly took it off and shoved it into the back of my closet once I got home. I felt objectified and uncomfortable and entire day. 

Once middle school hit, I moved away from brighter colors, had a "not like other girls" phase that lasted for about two years, and stopped wearing both dresses and skirts entirely. I started wearing hoodies everyday, and would wear them around my waist if it was too hot. This doubled as giving me extra protection because I was terrified of my period and bleeding through my clothes. I never did, but the fear still remains. I stopped wearing v-neck shirts entirely around this time as well.

I eventually tried to wear skirts again, but I realized by the end of the day that I was just disappointed and upset because I didn't magically enjoy wearing it and everyone saying I looked nice. I felt the most comfortable wearing my crew necks and knee length jorts, and often dreamed of wearing a white suit for prom. 

I wore two fancy dresses, both of which I hated once I actually started wearing them. Both hugged the figure, and I was never satisfied with anything I or anyone else did to make me look more feminine. 

So, once I figured out I was not, in fact, cis, I stopped trying to like the things that made me feel bad. I stopped attempting to put on makeup (although I have a soft spot for wearing lipstick in private), I stopped trying to style my hair, and I stopped wearing bras as much too. 

Now, I have one skirt that I like to wear to bed (I like to say I'm the "prettiest boy at the ball" when I wear it as a way of bringing back something I love wearing) but the ship for dresses has sailed for the foreseeable future. I've started getting into button ups and I was even brave (and riding the dysphoria and trying to frantically combat it) that I bought a crop top. It did help to take my mind off of my dysphoria a bit, and it's surprisingly comfortable. 

Mostly, I find that it's comforting that I have the freedom to choose my own style, and the freedom to enjoy myself as I am as much as I'm able to. 

There are still things about my body that I don't like, but I can always choose a style that gives me something positive to focus on while I work to deal with the negatives.

Anyway, this is a long rant, it's 2 in the morning, and I'm insanely tired, so I'm going to leave this here.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Looking back, I guess my feelings about clothes could/should have been a clue about who I am.

 

I hate pink.  I hate girly clothes.  Mostly, I dislike clothes in general and I think its stupid there's a legal requirement to wear them.  I've always just thrown on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt to get it out of the way.  Sometimes not even the t-shirt.  I never developed a womanly physique, and I'm absolutely flat-chested.  My parents tried forcing me into bras and I absolutely refused.  "But your nipples stick out!"  I didn't care. 

 

As I slip farther into the "boy" side of myself, I guess it is convenient that I don't really have to change my clothes.  GF always insisted on buying girly underwear, which I hate.  I recently gave all that stuff to my other female partners.  It was never me.

[Sol]

I hate lacey underwear, and I hate cotton ones too cause they don't stretch and they give you a wedgie >:P

And I wish I could get away with not wearing bras because these stupid organic milk bags decided to be a C-cup instead of the much more reasonable A. 

I gave some of my dresses to my sister and asked my friend, because at this point I just don't want to look at it. 

Thankfully, I figured out how to shop in the men's section now! I'm a small, so as long as I look at those sizes it works! Except for jeans, the waist sizes are too big for me.