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The biological impulse to have a child.


Sunchild

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Hello, 

 

This is a question for transfemmes here, I wonder who has experienced after transition the internal need to bear a child as a mother one day. The reason I am asking is that from my experience it seems to me almost like the age when we transition determines whether we want to have a child or not, like if we transition after puberty we seem to be less interested. For me, it broke me down emotionally at one point, as I realized how much I wanted to be a mother and it was not possible. The reason I am also asking cause some cis people used to claim that trans women lack this motherly impulse, plus the empathy and softness that women used to have. I find this to be a nonsense myself, because none of us are the same, plus I believe our age when we transition might as well determine the way we feel and act as women too, and what options we have in life as women, how attractive we are, and so forth. I think girls that started HRT at 13 are going to be usually closer to cis women in these particular ways too.  

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  • Forum Moderator

I don't know about where you are, but in the US you cannot start HRT before 16 and that's under special circumstances. Usually it's 18. Where you can transition at all anymore because of all the transphobic laws being passed in the states right now.

 

As for your question... Eh, it varies. Personally, I think I could be a good mother NOW, but I'm long past the point of where I'd be able to have children, even if I was cis. My spouse never wanted children. I don't think all women are born with it. Some of us nurture in different ways. For example, I have no desire to be a mom, but I could absolutely be your cool aunt. Child raising is a group activity after all. There are lots of ways to pitch in. Some women don't like children at all, or just when they've managed to reach a certain age. Like you said, we're all unique.

 

Hugs!

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I decided I did not want kids when I was in my teens, long before I transitioned. 

 

When I was talking to the therapist, she was doing the "informed consent" part of the process and asked me if I was aware that hormones would likely shut down my sperm production, and was I okay with being unable to have kids?  I said, "Good grief (or words to that effect)!  I am 62.  If I had wanted kids I have had plenty of time to make it so.  At my age, I sure as heck do not want to be starting a family now and raising teenagers when I am 80."

 

I have felt no motherly urges since I transitioned.

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I still wish for that even though I haven't transitioned. 

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When I was a teen I wanted to have monthly cycles and to be able to become pregnant, I was very disappointed that it was never going to happen for me.

 

I loved being a dad when my child was born and was more of a mother than a father to them. I still miss having a baby to take care of to this day !!!

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With our second child that was born in 2016 I remember looking at my wife sometimes thinking I wish I could experience what she’s going through.   Can’t imagine how awesome that must be to feel your child growing inside of you.  

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32 minutes ago, Michelle_Anne said:

With our second child that was born in 2016 I remember looking at my wife sometimes thinking I wish I could experience what she’s going through.   Can’t imagine how awesome that must be to feel your child growing inside of you.  

I totally agree!!! its such a wonderful process and it pains me when I hear people take it for granted!!!

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On 6/21/2022 at 3:54 PM, Sunchild said:

The reason I am also asking cause some cis people used to claim that trans women lack this motherly impulse, plus the empathy and softness that women used to have. I find this to be a nonsense myself, because none of us are the same, plus I believe our age when we transition might as well determine the way we feel and act as women too, and what options we have in life as women, how attractive we are, and so forth.

 

I didn't start transition until last year, but I've always had a very strong sense of empathy (to the point I have to avoid certain news just for my own mental wellbeing) and always had that "softness" side, although I always felt I had to keep it hidden. I didn't have any thoughts one way or the other about kids until way back in college when I realized I wanted kids. And the more I thought about pregnancy and nursing (the "mom" kind of nursing, not the "RN" kind) the more I envied it (well, except for the nausea, morning sickness, labor pain and other physical ailments).

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1 hour ago, Jaycie said:

When I was a teen I wanted to have monthly cycles and to be able to become pregnant, I was very disappointed that it was never going to happen for me.

 

I loved being a dad when my child was born and was more of a mother than a father to them. I still miss having a baby to take care of to this day !!!

 

Yes monthly cycles, during my teens I knew it was something that was meant for me, it was so weird what was going on with me, even before I knew about periods and what girls used to go through, at 12 I was instinctivelly drawn to even try wearing a pad while waiting and knowing there was meant to be blood coming off of me, I remember how sad and confused I was about this, later on I was asking myself how did I know about periods and the blood? Did my brain recognize it as something that's part of me, but can't be physically fulfilled?

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During my first year on HRT I used to be visiting hospital waiting rooms with pregnant women, which ended up with me basically crying there. lol. It was also my way of testing and exploring my path in life, if it was right, if I was strong enough to go through this. 

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34 minutes ago, Sunchild said:

 

Yes monthly cycles, during my teens I knew it was something that was meant for me, it was so weird what was going on with me, even before I knew about periods and what girls used to go through, at 12 I was instinctivelly drawn to even try wearing a pad while waiting and knowing there was meant to be blood coming off of me, I remember how sad and confused I was about this, later on I was asking myself how did I know about periods and the blood? Did my brain recognize it as something that's part of me, but can't be physically fulfilled?

Oh you're so right, no one talked to me about this as a child!! I have no idea how I understood having a period (this was the late 80s early 90s so no internet or anything and my mom never talked about it with me since I was not outwardly a girl! I just felt like one of the girls like my female relatives, but I can't explain it!!!

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Makes me feel at home here seeing there are so many of us that feel this way.  

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44 minutes ago, Michelle_Anne said:

Makes me feel at home here seeing there are so many of us that feel this way.  

😍

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2 hours ago, Jaycie said:

Oh you're so right, no one talked to me about this as a child!! I have no idea how I understood having a period (this was the late 80s early 90s so no internet or anything and my mom never talked about it with me since I was not outwardly a girl! I just felt like one of the girls like my female relatives, but I can't explain it!!!

I remember around the age of 10 or 11 I would get into the cabinet it my moms bathroom because I was curious what tampons and pads were for.   I feel like even then there was some gender euphoria.  

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22 minutes ago, Michelle_Anne said:

I remember around the age of 10 or 11 I would get into the cabinet it my moms bathroom because I was curious what tampons and pads were for.   I feel like even then there was some gender euphoria.  

I did the same thing and at the same time; 10 or 11 years old. Looking back it definitely was euphoria I was experiencing... I just wish I had the words for and understood the concept of being a young trans girl. Maybe life could have been less full of depression and anxiety had I known what was different about me!!! So nice to hear others experiences are similar!!!

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23 minutes ago, Jaycie said:

I did the same thing and at the same time; 10 or 11 years old. Looking back it definitely was euphoria I was experiencing... I just wish I had the words for and understood the concept of being a young trans girl. Maybe life could have been less full of depression and anxiety had I known what was different about me!!! So nice to hear others experiences are similar!!!

😍

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3 minutes ago, SheenaT said:

😍

 

26 minutes ago, Jaycie said:

I did the same thing and at the same time; 10 or 11 years old. Looking back it definitely was euphoria I was experiencing... I just wish I had the words for and understood the concept of being a young trans girl. Maybe life could have been less full of depression and anxiety had I known what was different about me!!! So nice to hear others experiences are similar!!!

I reluctantly and embarrassingly admit at that age I read the directions and tried one more than once.  At that age though I was too young to be aroused by it but it made me feel so much like a girl

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6 minutes ago, Michelle_Anne said:

 

I reluctantly and embarrassingly admit at that age I read the directions and tried one more than once.  At that age though I was too young to be aroused by it but it made me feel so much like a girl

I wore liners or pads, no embarrassment here!! 

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My ex struggled with her health both times she was pregnant, and I assumed every man would have happily carried the child to term, turns out I was projecting my own dreams, confusing my empathy with jealousy without realising it.

I am a mum. Since birth, I've done every single thing a mother does, both of mine were premature and bottlefed and I've never once taken them for granted. I just wish I had them both all the time!

I will add though, that from a personal shared conversation, mourning for the child you will never be able to carry is also very much a part of some women's lives. 😢❤️

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4 hours ago, DeeDee said:

My ex struggled with her health both times she was pregnant, and I assumed every man would have happily carried the child to term, turns out I was projecting my own dreams, confusing my empathy with jealousy without realising it.

I am a mum. Since birth, I've done every single thing a mother does, both of mine were premature and bottlefed and I've never once taken them for granted. I just wish I had them both all the time!

I will add though, that from a personal shared conversation, mourning for the child you will never be able to carry is also very much a part of some women's lives. 😢❤️

 

Omg that's so very much true. I can very much empathize with what you're sharing, thank you.

I must admit I've certainly confused my empathy with jealousy more than once when seeing my friends pregnant too. 

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I think because of the way I grew up. I never wanted kids. Even being around kids. It never effected me. 

 

Now it seems like I wish I had a kid some days. I held a clients new born when I still worked in a nail salon. When she handed him to me. That was the first time I have held a baby, and wanted one, but that ship has sailed. I'll be 37 next month, and probably am shooting blanks now. 

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