MtF - How does your sex life change on HRT?

[StarryNight]

I'm making an attempt to keep this PG, but it's a difficult subject to scratch with out discussing a Few sexual education items.

 

I'm getting close to when I make my decision to go on HRT or not, but one of my main concerns is weather or not I'll be able to remain intimate with my wife, we started to experiment with "toys" and I've increased the frequency I perform oral on her to prepare for potential non functioning male parts.

 

For those who have went through it, are you still able to use your male parts? Achieve orgasm through the old ways? Or have you moved on to butt stuff and prostate Satisfaction to compensate? My wife isn't too into the butt stuff aspect, so it could potentially be an issue down the road if that becomes the main way I can get off. Getting her off is a non issue, but in terms of weather or not I'll still be able to enjoy intimacy with her I was hoping some of you could share your expirience.

[stveee]

That's what I was told, to experiment and it might get akward sometimes or silly even and it's just like, well we tried anyway....at least having a life partner who you know well helps.

The mind is a weird place and I feel like you gotta be a test pilot and some things you would least expect would be a turn-on that you wouldn't expect. 

When I first started really being sexually active, I realized how much the aspects of fun and spontaneity was important to me.

As an ex drug user, the fact was much of the high I was getting was in the anticipation. 

The mind is a weird place.

[Red_Lauren.]

I'm 18 months on hrt, and 7 months on Progesterone. My sprio and estrogen is has high as it can be, and Progesterone can be bumped up yet. 

 

Up till about the last two months. I would say i still had a active sex drive. I had zero issues having fun, but now it seems like some one flicked a light switch. I have almost zero interest in sex any more. When I am in the mood. Toys, time, and nipple play are a requirement.

 

I will also add this. I always was a 100% straight, but that changed around January to more of a bi sexual choice. While then it was was 60/40 towards woman. Its probably closer to 50/50 now if not more in favor of men. I had a hookup with a beautiful, and stacked woman a few weeks ago, and when she got naked. I'm like what aim i suppose to do with them and that. There was no longer that animal instinct. It felt like the monkeys in my head were laid off. 

 

[Clofree]

I'm on the verge of deciding whether or not to use HRT, but one of my primary concerns is maintaining intimacy with my partner. We've also started experimenting with toys, and I've upped the frequency with which I do oral on her in order to prepare for any nonfunctioning male parts.

[KathyLauren]

I am asexual.  So HRT and GCS did not affect my non-existent sex life.

[Delcina B]

Good question! Definitely great timing, before you start HRT versus after. As far as the act I can't say, I haven't been in that spot in a while. I can say my libido went down after about three months on E & Spiro, my erections decreased & about 6 months were basically non-existent. Then again, there haven't been any attempts for arousal. It sounds like something your endocrinologist might be able to answer.

[Betty K]

Hi @StarryNight, I understand your concern, and I do think you may have to accept some serious changes to your sexual function on hrt. I have been fairly sexually active all my adult life, and never — or very rarely — had trouble maintaining erections. Since starting estrogen 4 months ago I have zero spontaneous erections and, in the past month or so, very little interest in sex at all. I think I’m still capable of ejaculating, or at least I was about a month ago when I last tried. I am not on any anti-androgen (I tried cyproterone for three weeks and hated it — it totally decimated what little remained of my sex drive), but have been on progesterone for almost three months.

 

In my case, while I’m worried about my lack of interest in sex, the lack of erectile function doesn’t bother me so much, because ever since I accepted I am trans I find myself uninterested in sex with women, or in using my penis at all. Also, I think I am just beginning to feel the stirrings of a more full-body-focussed sexuality. My skin is incredibly soft and increasingly sensitive and I can totally imagine, if that trend continues, a new way of feeling sexual. 

[Natalie21]

On 10/15/2022 at 7:37 AM, Betty K said:

Hi @StarryNight, I understand your concern, and I do think you may have to accept some serious changes to your sexual function on hrt. I have been fairly sexually active all my adult life, and never — or very rarely — had trouble maintaining erections. Since starting estrogen 4 months ago I have zero spontaneous erections and, in the past month or so, very little interest in sex at all. I think I’m still capable of ejaculating, or at least I was about a month ago when I last tried. I am not on any anti-androgen (I tried cyproterone for three weeks and hated it — it totally decimated what little remained of my sex drive), but have been on progesterone for almost three months.

 

In my case, while I’m worried about my lack of interest in sex, the lack of erectile function doesn’t bother me so much, because ever since I accepted I am trans I find myself uninterested in sex with women, or in using my penis at all. Also, I think I am just beginning to feel the stirrings of a more full-body-focussed sexuality. My skin is incredibly soft and increasingly sensitive and I can totally imagine, if that trend continues, a new way of feeling sexual. 

If you don’t mind me asking how do pre bottom surgery trans woman have sex. I get how heterosexual, lesbian and gay sex works. But how does it work for pre bottom surgery trans woman with both male and female partners.

[Betty K]

Hi @Natalie21, I don’t mind you asking but I can’t speak for all pre-op trans women, and as I said I don’t have sex with women these days. But as to how I have sex with men, well, you must have heard of anal, right? 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

One of my friends is MtF trans.  Unfortunately for her, being trans has kind of led to a state of "no sex."  Finding a relationship is difficult for her.  We've discussed the topic a bit, and from why I understand she could still use her previously-male parts, at least somewhat.  HRT has reduced their size, and it isn't something she's really interested in.  She's not going to get bottom surgeries, as she dislikes needles and scalpels and probably couldn't afford the process anyways.  She seems content with the choice. 

 

Sex for pre-op MtF girls like my friend is going to happen according to available anatomy, as @Betty K mentioned. 

[Bri2020]

My experience was that not long after I got to therapeutic levels of HRT my libido dropped and spontaneous erections stopped.  I didn't care (actually really happy about no SE) because there was a lot of other things going on and my spouse and I weren't really all that "active" due to some health reasons.  After a while of not having an erection I decide to try and see if I could even get one. Through self manipulation i found that while it was more of a challenge, I could and then yes, I could ejaculate but it was totally different.  It wasn't nearly as powerful and the ejaculate was only a small amount of clear liquid since no seman was being produced anymore.  The wife and I did try and have traditional male/female sex a couple of times after that but it was a complete disaster for different reasons.  She was challenged to be physically attracted/aroused because I now had boobs and she isn't a lesbian and I absolutely HATED using a penis and performing as a "man".  It was way too dysphoric. We both cried in fact.  We did achieve physical satisfaction but it was clear after a couple of times we were done with our sex life together and that ultimately led us to separating but being tradition bestie girl friends.  

The big question for anyone about to start HRT is what are your goals? If you are really male part dysphoric and hyper focused on living fully as a woman, then sex is going to be challenging. (until post op). If you are more gender fluid or don't have as much issues with bottom parts, you should be OK although you will have to adapt to less arousal if you are achieving good E and low T levels.

Every one's experience will be different but these are great things to discuss with your mental health provider before starting HRT

 

[Betty K]

6 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

I absolutely HATED using a penis and performing as a "man".

 

This is how I feel too Bri, and I’m pretty certain my ex-wife and I would have ended in the same way, if we’d stayed together long enough for me to transition. But the result is the same: we are now best friends and I am so thankful for that. I think we both agree our relationship is actually better and healthier now than it ever has been.

 

Can I ask, do you have a sex life now? Do you want one? Are you attracted to men, women, or both?

 

I do find arousal is rarer than it was, but when it happens it is increasingly intense, only totally different than it used to be; my penis is barely involved at all. But my body on the whole is so much more sensitive. Have you had this experience too?

[Bri2020]

43 minutes ago, Betty K said:

Can I ask, do you have a sex life now? Do you want one? Are you attracted to men, women, or both?

I am only interested in women. I tried dating lesbians but realized why? I didn't have the right parts for them and it just felt disingenuous. I've also had SO much on my plate in the last year since breaking up, with moving, finishing transitioning, adding a new business to my portfolio etc etc that I didn't have any bandwidth for another person.  I also had the objective of really diving into creating a deep pool of women friends. Deep in quantity as well as quality.  Growing up pretending to be a man, my friendships tended to be more superficial with men because, well, they were men and with women because I was perceived as a male so I didn't feel it was appropriate to have a bunch of girl friends when I was married.  I've been blessed this last year with such meaningful friends since putting some effort into that.  

Next summer I am considering dating again. I want to have some time to heal and get used to having my new girl parts. They are only 4 weeks old so....

[Betty K]

2 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

They are only 4 weeks old so....

 

Whoa, congratulations! And I understand, you are still rapidly transitioning in more ways than one. I hope that when you settle into your new body you find the partner you are looking for.

 

I totally relate to what you said about friendships with women. I am lucky to have two deep male friendships, but have always struggled to keep female friends. I’d love to develop a circle of women friends too. In my case I feel a deep relief that sex isn’t an issue between me and women anymore. It makes relations much easier and less fraught. So far I’m not sure if any of my new woman friendships will last, but they feel healthy and that really makes me happy.

[Heather Nicole]

1 hour ago, Betty K said:

In my case I feel a deep relief that sex isn’t an issue between me and women anymore. It makes relations much easier and less fraught.

 

I really like this perspective. It's a very astute point that I hadn't even thought of before. But it makes so much sense!

 

One of the (several) reasons I've always had trouble having platonic gal friends is because I always felt such a need for a romantic relationship with one. And testosterone's effects on libido (and I suppose emotion as well) only ever amplified that "need". Even though my levels still haven't reached the "female" ranges yet, my HRT has definitely "taken the edge off" of my libido (which I find to be a real relief). At the same time, whether because of hormones or just self-awareness, I'm more aware of a need for a circle of "gal pals", and...although I hadn't thought of it before...now that you mention it, I do think my newly tamed and, at least partially, "reined in" libido makes it a lot more...possible...for me to have and enjoy platonic girl friendships. (Estrogen rocks! 😁)

[Bri2020]

Girl friends are the bomb.  Developing the social skills and behaviors of being a girl friend to my circle of friends has been one of the more challenging but rewarding aspects of my transition.  To go from not being able to emote, especially physically when I was hanging with the guys to it being expected with my new friends was a challenge. My other challenge now is how to read what the level of physical affection being shown means.  I have hetero and gay girl  friends that have no issue just planting a kiss on your lips when you see them but it's only a sign of friendship vs attraction.  (and they know I'm into women so it just seems cruel. lol). 

Betty your new challenge may flip from women seeing you as a person to keep at bay sexually so they stay emotionally distant to you now possibly being a challenger to keep away from their man. hahaha.  

It took me almost 50 years or so to almost figure out social interactions and now I have to reframe everything.  it's not dull at least  

[Betty K]

1 hour ago, Heather Nicole said:

One of the (several) reasons I've always had trouble having platonic gal friends is because I always felt such a need for a romantic relationship with one.

 

Exactly. I think my ego was wound up in it too (I'm embarrassed to say) -- you know, like, "But aren't I attractive enough for you?" Or more likely: "Aren't I man enough for you?" I shudder to think of all that now, of course.

 

1 hour ago, Heather Nicole said:

(Estrogen rocks! 😁)

 

I agree! I absolutely love what it's doing for me emotionally and physically.

 

1 hour ago, Bri2020 said:

Betty your new challenge may flip from women seeing you as a person to keep at bay sexually so they stay emotionally distant to you now possibly being a challenger to keep away from their man. hahaha. 

 

Oh what a cruel laugh that echoes through the interwebs! You may be right, who knows. But actually I suspect most women are ignorant of how much their menfolk lust after trans women. I'll be interested to find out.

[Trans22]

I'm only 2.5 months into HRT and I suspect that my interest in sex died with a day or two of starting (didn't think to add this sort of thing to my journal).  For me, this has been one of the big positives of HRT for me - it's also helped reduce my dyshporia.  I don't want to go into detail but my sexual history was very unhealthy before discovering that I am transgender.