Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

How to live peacefully with opposed family members?


Concerned father

Recommended Posts

Hello guys, I can use some insights with this situation please.

 

My High functioning Autistic 22 year old son Mike started taking hormone shots after turning 21 last year, right now has boobs and started buying female clothing. This house that we live in is my 80 year old mom's house. Last week, on Father's Day Mike had asked me to bbq for him so as usual I agreed, I have always tried to do anything and everything I possibly can for him to try to keep him happy.

 

4 years ago when I had searched for and had found him a Psychologist/Therapist who was Trans. I had done this to try to help Mike get info and help from someone who knows firsthand what he is going through. At the initial meeting I had suggested to the therapist, mike and his mom that I think it would be best for Mike if he wait until after he has graduated, got a job and living on his own before he should start any transitioning but mike is a very strong-willed and stubborn individual and had started taking the shots without my knowledge.

 

Anyways so Mike came outside wearing a female top and spooked everyone here, family and guests on Father's Day.. Then next day he showed to his Grandma a pair of high heels he had bought, she told him he should not wear it or dresses in this house. Mike got mad and asked me to help him get a place of his own to live. I told Mike especially since he will be graduating with his Bachelors Degree in only 8 months or less, that he should wait until then to look into moving, he doesn't need any distractions getting in the way.

 

He still insisted he wants to move so he can dress any way he wants and not have anyone telling him what to do. I tried reasoning with him asking him to simply not wear the female clothing until he moves out so to keep this house peaceful and not to be the cause of making my mom's health any worse. His response to this was he will do whatever he wants. I immediately told him if he causes any incidents here I will have no choice but to put him in emergency LGBTQ housing until we can find an apartment for him. This will be to keep both him and my mom's health safe.

 

So today, with this problem with his Grandma, Mike is very angry and lashing out at every relative and he is doing it on facebook too, he is even bad mouthing me to his friends and on facebook saying I "don't care about him and I am trying to push him out of the house". 

 

I have always told Mike I would like if he can try moving on his own when he should be ready just as an experiment or trial to see how well and if he can manage to live successfully, happily and safely on his own. This way if he should ever falter or should need help with anything I will be here to help him sort it out and of course he can always come back home if he sees he cannot make it on his own. Thing is, this is not the way and circumstance under which I wanted him to move, being forced to move. I had always wanted him to move whenever he should ready, mentally.

 

So guys, is there any advice anyone can give which might help mike continue to live here "peacefully" until he should actually be ready within himself to move please? Sorry for this long thread. :)

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

OK sweetie, first thing: Does your kiddo have preferred pronouns and a chosen name? I'm going to go ahead and use gender neutral language here. I understand that you mean well, but I can tell you that for years after I started transitioning, I had an adverse reaction to the name my parents gave me. Part of affirming care for a trans person is using their preferred name and pronouns.

 

Next up: Waiting hurts. Psychological damage, trauma, all of it. Suppressing who they are is bad for your child. Telling your child to wait, and I understand that this probably isn't what you meant, but you're sending the message that you don't support them. Your kid is trying to express themselves in the truest way they can. You're asking them to go back into the closet. Eight months is a prison sentence.

I should also point out that your child is an adult. They can take whatever medications they are prescribed (by a doctor we do not encourage self-medication here) without your knowledge or consent.

I cannot stress enough the amount of peace having the right hormones running through my body gave me. If you're prone to migraines, imagine constantly having a low-level migraine headache. All. The. Time. That's a pretty good example of the mental static that you're asking them to go back to if you take them off of HRT. That's discounting the menopause symptoms that sneak in after about two weeks.

 

I'd like to underline several times that this treatment is for your child's health and well-being. It's not a stunt. It's not for attention. It's life-saving gender-affirmation surgery. It drops our suicide rates from 40ish percent to less than one percent. This is saving your child's life and sanity. Please don't ask them or force them to stop.

 

Can you actually blame them for their reaction? They showed a cherished relative a piece of their real self and got rejected. Have you ever been rejected by a family member? I have. Most of the people on this site have too. It's a very real consequence of being trans: People you love might reject you. It hurts. Your child is lashing out because the people who are supposed to love them always and unconditionally turned them away.

 

They aren't the ones in the wrong here. Their grandmother has threatened to throw them out of the house if they continue to express their authentic gender. Honestly, they'd probably be fine in an apartment with a roommate. I suppose the question you need to be asking yourself is if peace with your mother is worth traumatizing your child. I know that's not the answer you were looking for, but if you want your child to thrive, it's the answer you should consider. Good luck!

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
  • Root Admin

I really don't have any advice that would help but I did notice while reading your post that you keep referring to your child as he/him. Have you really accepted the fact that your child identifies as female? You refer to him as Mike. When you're speaking with her, is that what you call her? Are you really sure you want to help her transition?

 

MaryEllen

Link to comment

Great info, thanks guys.

 

For clarity, no I have never suggested mike hold back on any meds or stop physically transitioning, only now since this problem has surfaced to abide by his grandma's wishes with the dressing issue until he should move. As mentioned I would like to keep him here until at least after he graduates.

 

Yes of course I understand Jackie about Mike feeling betrayed/rejected by certain family members which he had confided in me couple weeks ago, I don't blame him for that. What I do not like is him putting all of this on Social media and also saying I don't care about him and I am trying to force him out of this house, that is absolutely false.

 

I understand he's going through a rough time now and my heart is breaking for him but he does still need to have respect for people and especially for his parents who has done nothing but fully support him in every way throughout his lifetime. He cannot turn on us whenever he doesn't get his own way and wrongly accuse us for this, that and the other thing.

 

@MaryEllen

That's a very interesting question and yes, I had seen it at a very early age, all the female characteristics. Without him having had any surgery done [yet] I am not sure how to address this, right now. Am I pleased that he is transitioning of course not but if that is what will make and keep him happy then yes I always tell him I will help him in any way that I possibly can. 

 

However guys, Mike knows if I can have it my way, he would never leave this house or any house I live in. He has told me a few times during his lifetime that I "am way too attached to him". I guess any parent of a Special Needs child [referring to his Autism issues here] feels the same way but right now with this problem at hand my immediate concern here is keeping them both safe, until he can move. I am caught smack in the middle and being forced to be peacemaker here.

 

So let me me start another thread now on his moving and safety issues. Meantime if anyone might have anything to add in this thread about how I might be able to get Mike to keep the peace here until he moves please post? Appreciate it.

 

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
On 6/27/2022 at 9:08 AM, MaryEllen said:

I really don't have any advice that would help but I did notice while reading your post that you keep referring to your child as he/him. Have you really accepted the fact that your child identifies as female? You refer to him as Mike. When you're speaking with her, is that what you call her? Are you really sure you want to help her transition?

 

MaryEllen

Hey MaryEllen [and/or anyone else], I spoke to Mike's older brother yesterday and he says Mike is not Transgender but rather Bi-Gender as he identifies as both male and female, is this accurate please? If yes, the does this explain why he has not mentioned having surgery please?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
3 hours ago, Concerned father said:

Hey MaryEllen [and/or anyone else], I spoke to Mike's older brother yesterday and he says Mike is not Transgender but rather Bi-Gender as he identifies as both male and female, is this accurate please? If yes, the does this explain why he has not mentioned having surgery please?

 

Is it accurate?  Only they can answer that.  Bi-gender is a real thing.  I have a friend who is bi-gender.  But the only way to find out is to ask.

 

Perhaps they have not mentioned surgery because they anticipate a negative reaction from you.  Or perhaps they don't want it.  Not everyone who is transgender or bi-gender does.  Or perhaps they don't want it yet.

 

These are questions that we cannot answer.

Edited by KymmieL
asked to correct
Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, Concerned father said:

Hey MaryEllen [and/or anyone else], I spoke to Mike's older brother yesterday and he says Mike is not Transgender but rather Bi-Gender as he identifies as both male and female, is this accurate please? If yes, the does this explain why he has not mentioned having surgery please?

 

This might help: Minority Monsters

 

It's educational and fun to read. I strongly recommend it for everybody.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Perhaps both you and your mother may want to accompany your 21 year old "child" to the gender therapist.  Have you asked them what pronouns they want?  Do they have a preferred name?  It will take time to accept what your child has known for years about their gender but denial will only slow that acceptance and cause addition pain for all.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 80 Guests (See full list)

    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • Betty K
    • Breanne_O
    • EasyE
    • Braxton9312
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,945
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Melissa_J
    Newest Member
    Melissa_J
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Ivy
      I grew up with it, my mother's side were Germans.  I still like cabbage.  I make a sweet/sour dish with vinegar and brown sugar, add some bacon if you have it.  And in warmer weather, slaw.  I like that better if it's a few days old, and has worked off a little.
    • Ivy
      Pity that we can't just respect each other and get along.
    • Willow
      Good Friday Morning    I will be spending a good portion of my day at church today.  I don’t know how any of my family would have been with me.  They all passed before I figured myself out.  I often think my mother and sister may have figured it out before I did but maybe it was just my depression that they saw.  I don’t know and never will.  My grandfather Young unconditionally loved me but he passed when I was 9.   Same with my wife’s parents, both gone before.  We’ve never had the greatest relationship with my wife’s brother but we do see them occasionally.  They words and actions aren’t always in sink when it comes to me.   Sour kraut or boil cabbage were never big even with my parents so that was something we were never expected to eat.  Nor was anything with mustard.  My mother hated mustard and it turns my stomach. My wife tried to sneak it into things early in our marriage but I could always tell.  She stopped after a while.   well I wave to go get ready to go to church.  I have a committee meeting at 10 and then we have a Good Friday Service at noon.   Willow
    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,   @KymmieLI hope you're misreading your bosses communications. As you say keep plugging a long. Don't give them signs that you're slow quitting, just to collect unemployment.   I have a few things to do business wise, and will be driving to the St. Louis, MO area for two family gatherings.   Have a great day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • KymmieL
      Good morning everyone, TGIFF   It seems like I am the one keeping or shop from being the best. According to the boss. I don't know if my days are numbered or not. But anymore I am waiting for the axe to fall. Time will tell.   I keep plugging a long.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      In the warmer weather, Mine is hitting the road on the bike. Just me, the bike, and the road. Other is it music or working on one of my many projects.   Kymmie
    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!!! Two cups of coffee in the books and I am just feeling so wonderful this morning. Not sure why, but I'm happy and smiling.   Enjoy this beautiful day!!!
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...