How to live peacefully with opposed family members?

[Concerned father]

Hello guys, I can use some insights with this situation please.

 

My High functioning Autistic 22 year old son Mike started taking hormone shots after turning 21 last year, right now has boobs and started buying female clothing. This house that we live in is my 80 year old mom's house. Last week, on Father's Day Mike had asked me to bbq for him so as usual I agreed, I have always tried to do anything and everything I possibly can for him to try to keep him happy.

 

4 years ago when I had searched for and had found him a Psychologist/Therapist who was Trans. I had done this to try to help Mike get info and help from someone who knows firsthand what he is going through. At the initial meeting I had suggested to the therapist, mike and his mom that I think it would be best for Mike if he wait until after he has graduated, got a job and living on his own before he should start any transitioning but mike is a very strong-willed and stubborn individual and had started taking the shots without my knowledge.

 

Anyways so Mike came outside wearing a female top and spooked everyone here, family and guests on Father's Day.. Then next day he showed to his Grandma a pair of high heels he had bought, she told him he should not wear it or dresses in this house. Mike got mad and asked me to help him get a place of his own to live. I told Mike especially since he will be graduating with his Bachelors Degree in only 8 months or less, that he should wait until then to look into moving, he doesn't need any distractions getting in the way.

 

He still insisted he wants to move so he can dress any way he wants and not have anyone telling him what to do. I tried reasoning with him asking him to simply not wear the female clothing until he moves out so to keep this house peaceful and not to be the cause of making my mom's health any worse. His response to this was he will do whatever he wants. I immediately told him if he causes any incidents here I will have no choice but to put him in emergency LGBTQ housing until we can find an apartment for him. This will be to keep both him and my mom's health safe.

 

So today, with this problem with his Grandma, Mike is very angry and lashing out at every relative and he is doing it on facebook too, he is even bad mouthing me to his friends and on facebook saying I "don't care about him and I am trying to push him out of the house". 

 

I have always told Mike I would like if he can try moving on his own when he should be ready just as an experiment or trial to see how well and if he can manage to live successfully, happily and safely on his own. This way if he should ever falter or should need help with anything I will be here to help him sort it out and of course he can always come back home if he sees he cannot make it on his own. Thing is, this is not the way and circumstance under which I wanted him to move, being forced to move. I had always wanted him to move whenever he should ready, mentally.

 

So guys, is there any advice anyone can give which might help mike continue to live here "peacefully" until he should actually be ready within himself to move please? Sorry for this long thread.

[Jackie C.]

OK sweetie, first thing: Does your kiddo have preferred pronouns and a chosen name? I'm going to go ahead and use gender neutral language here. I understand that you mean well, but I can tell you that for years after I started transitioning, I had an adverse reaction to the name my parents gave me. Part of affirming care for a trans person is using their preferred name and pronouns.

 

Next up: Waiting hurts. Psychological damage, trauma, all of it. Suppressing who they are is bad for your child. Telling your child to wait, and I understand that this probably isn't what you meant, but you're sending the message that you don't support them. Your kid is trying to express themselves in the truest way they can. You're asking them to go back into the closet. Eight months is a prison sentence.

I should also point out that your child is an adult. They can take whatever medications they are prescribed (by a doctor we do not encourage self-medication here) without your knowledge or consent.

I cannot stress enough the amount of peace having the right hormones running through my body gave me. If you're prone to migraines, imagine constantly having a low-level migraine headache. All. The. Time. That's a pretty good example of the mental static that you're asking them to go back to if you take them off of HRT. That's discounting the menopause symptoms that sneak in after about two weeks.

 

I'd like to underline several times that this treatment is for your child's health and well-being. It's not a stunt. It's not for attention. It's life-saving gender-affirmation surgery. It drops our suicide rates from 40ish percent to less than one percent. This is saving your child's life and sanity. Please don't ask them or force them to stop.

 

Can you actually blame them for their reaction? They showed a cherished relative a piece of their real self and got rejected. Have you ever been rejected by a family member? I have. Most of the people on this site have too. It's a very real consequence of being trans: People you love might reject you. It hurts. Your child is lashing out because the people who are supposed to love them always and unconditionally turned them away.

 

They aren't the ones in the wrong here. Their grandmother has threatened to throw them out of the house if they continue to express their authentic gender. Honestly, they'd probably be fine in an apartment with a roommate. I suppose the question you need to be asking yourself is if peace with your mother is worth traumatizing your child. I know that's not the answer you were looking for, but if you want your child to thrive, it's the answer you should consider. Good luck!

 

Hugs!

[MaryEllen]

I really don't have any advice that would help but I did notice while reading your post that you keep referring to your child as he/him. Have you really accepted the fact that your child identifies as female? You refer to him as Mike. When you're speaking with her, is that what you call her? Are you really sure you want to help her transition?

 

MaryEllen

[Concerned father]

Great info, thanks guys.

 

For clarity, no I have never suggested mike hold back on any meds or stop physically transitioning, only now since this problem has surfaced to abide by his grandma's wishes with the dressing issue until he should move. As mentioned I would like to keep him here until at least after he graduates.

 

Yes of course I understand Jackie about Mike feeling betrayed/rejected by certain family members which he had confided in me couple weeks ago, I don't blame him for that. What I do not like is him putting all of this on Social media and also saying I don't care about him and I am trying to force him out of this house, that is absolutely false.

 

I understand he's going through a rough time now and my heart is breaking for him but he does still need to have respect for people and especially for his parents who has done nothing but fully support him in every way throughout his lifetime. He cannot turn on us whenever he doesn't get his own way and wrongly accuse us for this, that and the other thing.

 

@MaryEllen

That's a very interesting question and yes, I had seen it at a very early age, all the female characteristics. Without him having had any surgery done [yet] I am not sure how to address this, right now. Am I pleased that he is transitioning of course not but if that is what will make and keep him happy then yes I always tell him I will help him in any way that I possibly can. 

 

However guys, Mike knows if I can have it my way, he would never leave this house or any house I live in. He has told me a few times during his lifetime that I "am way too attached to him". I guess any parent of a Special Needs child [referring to his Autism issues here] feels the same way but right now with this problem at hand my immediate concern here is keeping them both safe, until he can move. I am caught smack in the middle and being forced to be peacemaker here.

 

So let me me start another thread now on his moving and safety issues. Meantime if anyone might have anything to add in this thread about how I might be able to get Mike to keep the peace here until he moves please post? Appreciate it.

 

 

 

 

 

[Concerned father]

On 6/27/2022 at 9:08 AM, MaryEllen said:

I really don't have any advice that would help but I did notice while reading your post that you keep referring to your child as he/him. Have you really accepted the fact that your child identifies as female? You refer to him as Mike. When you're speaking with her, is that what you call her? Are you really sure you want to help her transition?

 

MaryEllen

Hey MaryEllen [and/or anyone else], I spoke to Mike's older brother yesterday and he says Mike is not Transgender but rather Bi-Gender as he identifies as both male and female, is this accurate please? If yes, the does this explain why he has not mentioned having surgery please?

[KathyLauren]

3 hours ago, Concerned father said:

Hey MaryEllen [and/or anyone else], I spoke to Mike's older brother yesterday and he says Mike is not Transgender but rather Bi-Gender as he identifies as both male and female, is this accurate please? If yes, the does this explain why he has not mentioned having surgery please?

 

Is it accurate?  Only they can answer that.  Bi-gender is a real thing.  I have a friend who is bi-gender.  But the only way to find out is to ask.

 

Perhaps they have not mentioned surgery because they anticipate a negative reaction from you.  Or perhaps they don't want it.  Not everyone who is transgender or bi-gender does.  Or perhaps they don't want it yet.

 

These are questions that we cannot answer.

Edited June 29, 2022 by KymmieL
asked to correct

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Concerned father said:

Hey MaryEllen [and/or anyone else], I spoke to Mike's older brother yesterday and he says Mike is not Transgender but rather Bi-Gender as he identifies as both male and female, is this accurate please? If yes, the does this explain why he has not mentioned having surgery please?

 

This might help: Minority Monsters

 

It's educational and fun to read. I strongly recommend it for everybody.

 

Hugs!

[Charlize]

Perhaps both you and your mother may want to accompany your 21 year old "child" to the gender therapist.  Have you asked them what pronouns they want?  Do they have a preferred name?  It will take time to accept what your child has known for years about their gender but denial will only slow that acceptance and cause addition pain for all.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize