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The past came back to haunt me


Hannah Renee

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I posted those words in another thread, but thought it best if I continue separately.

 

@MmindyI truly shudder to think of where I would be if I hadn't found this place and irreplaceable friends such as you. I had one friend, for about 15 years, up until about 5 years ago. He just abruptly decided no more, no explanation. But he was a guy, I "was" a guy. Deep conversations? No, of course not.

 

As others have said, friends - true friends-  over a lifetime have been difficult to find. Many reasons. I was born the second of 4. I was not allowed (by my mother) to have friends growing up. My parents separated when I was 9, divorced 3+ years later, and I moved in with my dad 2 years after that. I got married shortly before turning 19, to the first girl I ever seriously dated. I am now ending my fourth marriage, right before turning 70. Now that I think about it, divorce will be final right around the date of that first marriage. How apropos.

 

Anyway, pattern established. Latch on to the first person to show any personal interest in me, then, still unaware of how to maintain a personal relationship, manage to push that person away. Intentionally? Good question. Not sure I really know, but certainly possible.

 

So, during my third marriage, which "lasted," for lack of a better word, just over 10 years (I couldn't admit after the first couple of years that I had failed yet again, even though she couldn't stop talking about ex's and had a girlfriend), I began to have a recurring dream. I would dream that I was lying in bed, and a woman, whose face I never saw, was lying in my arms as we slept. I would wake up, and panic because no one was there. Lots of tears.

 

The first time I spent the night at my current wife's condo, I had that dream again. Same "person" as always. This time, when I woke up, she was lying in my arms. Different kind of freakout. MY GOD, THIS IS REAL! FINALLY! A few months ago, my wife asked me about that. What happened to that dream? What happened to the realization that night? We were so much a part of each other. We went on adventure vacations. Then the adventures of the adoption of four babies in 5 years. Holding on to each other as we desperately prayed for the life of our youngest, not just once, but twice. What happened?

 

2015, Caitlyn Jenner. Took me emotionally back to the mid-70's and Dr. Renee Richards, the first time I realized who I was. Finally, a book by another doctor that told me it's not too late. 

 

So here I am, another failed marriage, another friend, the best I ever had, lost. We will not be enemies. But she has enough friends to build her up, keep her on an even keel - always has. As for me, as I always have been, I'm afraid of making friends, afraid I'll just push them away, like I always have.

 

But it's ok. I'm finally me, and I have you all here. Thank you.

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51 minutes ago, Hannah Renee said:

I'm afraid of making friends, afraid I'll just push them away, like I always have.

 

But it's ok. I'm finally me, and I have you all here. Thank you.

Hannah,

 

I pray for you and your happiness with friends. Friends you make as Hannah, the woman you should have always been. Hannah is your chance to break the cycle of pushing people away. You will be okay, and I pray eventually happy.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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@JaycieI was in the Boston area for about 10 years with my previous (#3) wife. My job for 37 years was overwhelmingly male dominated. During those 10 years, my best friend was a woman. She came out to Chicago a few years after I left Boston to be the "Best Man" at my (most recent) wedding. Years ago by, and we exchange Christmas cards and occasional birthday cards. Sadly, I haven't told her that I'm getting divorced and transitioning. Lack of courage. Soon. Same for the friend who cut me off 5 years ago - maybe. 

 

Funny, it only occurred to me as I wrote about the past regarding my chosen middle name. Renee means reborn, and that was my conscious reason for adopting it. I realized that, subliminally, it was because of Renee Richards.

 

@MmindyAgain, thank you from the bottom of my heart, and God bless you.

Hugs to all at TGP.❤️

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  • 4 weeks later...

Since I spent so many decades avoiding and denying the truth, it only stands to reason that I've been denying another truth. Thinking back to my earlier reference of the dream that came true, I have to admit that nothing about the dream has changed. Part of that realization comes from a whole lot of time to just think - ruminate, if you will - along with a number of things that have been shared by others here on TGP. I wish I could thank each and every individual who has contributed, but I'll just throw it out there. Thank you everyone.

 

Anyway, while I don't know that my wife would understand this, but there's still no question that the woman that I held in those dreams was the woman who will soon be my ex-wife. Sad. Granted, we have grown apart over the past number of years, but I truly believe that nobody else could have fit me - my soul - better. That's not to say that we would have been married, or even dated, really, had I already been out 27 years ago. But that's who she was.

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A month ago I mentioned my friend from Boston, and that I hadn't told her about my transition and pending divorce. We'll, I wrote to her a couple weeks ago, and heard back from her this week. First was a lovely card with a letter enclosed, reaffirming why she is such a wonderful person and friend. Within was an admonition to both of us to be better at staying in touch. Then some questions about the divorce and my transition, wanting to generally know and understand how I got to this point. Admitting that she is basically clueless (for lack of a better word) about trans folks, what we go through emotionally, what the transition process is like - stuff like that.

 

A couple days later, we talked on the phone for about 1+15, an absolutely uplifting and comforting conversation. I'm getting a few tears thinking back on it. I feel badly about having been afraid to tell her, about not giving her the credit she deserves as a person who knows how to be a good friend. And I feel so blessed to have a friend like her. Priceless.

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4 hours ago, Hannah Renee said:

I feel so blessed to have a friend like her. Priceless.

That's great Hannah,

 

I'm so happy for you, now that you have a long standing friendship who is interested in Hannah as a friend. I hope it continues to build.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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8 hours ago, Hannah Renee said:

A month ago I mentioned my friend from Boston, and that I hadn't told her about my transition and pending divorce. We'll, I wrote to her a couple weeks ago, and heard back from her this week. First was a lovely card with a letter enclosed, reaffirming why she is such a wonderful person and friend. Within was an admonition to both of us to be better at staying in touch. Then some questions about the divorce and my transition, wanting to generally know and understand how I got to this point. Admitting that she is basically clueless (for lack of a better word) about trans folks, what we go through emotionally, what the transition process is like - stuff like that.

 

A couple days later, we talked on the phone for about 1+15, an absolutely uplifting and comforting conversation. I'm getting a few tears thinking back on it. I feel badly about having been afraid to tell her, about not giving her the credit she deserves as a person who knows how to be a good friend. And I feel so blessed to have a friend like her. Priceless.

 

That's so nice! I'm so happy for you! 💖

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Hannah thats wonderful and she is a true friend.

I lost a bunch of so called friends when I came out as trans.

Remember this was 15 years ago and there was little support.

Some older friends did respond positively so we are still in contact.

All the new friends I have made have only known me as a woman or transwoman but I don't push my transition on people because not everyone needs to know.

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  • Forum Moderator

@Hannah Renee I’m so happy you’ve had this wonderful connection after sharing this part of yourself with your friend. I wish you both the best in redefining and cultivating this friendship even further in time. You can never have enough of those type of relationships.🙂

 

*Hugs*

Susan R🌷

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7 hours ago, Susan R said:

@Hannah Renee I’m so happy you’ve had this wonderful connection after sharing this part of yourself with your friend. I wish you both the best in redefining and cultivating this friendship even further in time. You can never have enough of those type of relationships.🙂

 

*Hugs*

Susan R🌷

You are so right, and I admit to feeling somewhat ashamed of myself for thinking she would react negatively. She is a treasure, and I wish we lived close enough to get together every once in a while. Not moving back to Boston, though.

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