Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

The past came back to haunt me


Hannah Renee

Recommended Posts

I posted those words in another thread, but thought it best if I continue separately.

 

@MmindyI truly shudder to think of where I would be if I hadn't found this place and irreplaceable friends such as you. I had one friend, for about 15 years, up until about 5 years ago. He just abruptly decided no more, no explanation. But he was a guy, I "was" a guy. Deep conversations? No, of course not.

 

As others have said, friends - true friends-  over a lifetime have been difficult to find. Many reasons. I was born the second of 4. I was not allowed (by my mother) to have friends growing up. My parents separated when I was 9, divorced 3+ years later, and I moved in with my dad 2 years after that. I got married shortly before turning 19, to the first girl I ever seriously dated. I am now ending my fourth marriage, right before turning 70. Now that I think about it, divorce will be final right around the date of that first marriage. How apropos.

 

Anyway, pattern established. Latch on to the first person to show any personal interest in me, then, still unaware of how to maintain a personal relationship, manage to push that person away. Intentionally? Good question. Not sure I really know, but certainly possible.

 

So, during my third marriage, which "lasted," for lack of a better word, just over 10 years (I couldn't admit after the first couple of years that I had failed yet again, even though she couldn't stop talking about ex's and had a girlfriend), I began to have a recurring dream. I would dream that I was lying in bed, and a woman, whose face I never saw, was lying in my arms as we slept. I would wake up, and panic because no one was there. Lots of tears.

 

The first time I spent the night at my current wife's condo, I had that dream again. Same "person" as always. This time, when I woke up, she was lying in my arms. Different kind of freakout. MY GOD, THIS IS REAL! FINALLY! A few months ago, my wife asked me about that. What happened to that dream? What happened to the realization that night? We were so much a part of each other. We went on adventure vacations. Then the adventures of the adoption of four babies in 5 years. Holding on to each other as we desperately prayed for the life of our youngest, not just once, but twice. What happened?

 

2015, Caitlyn Jenner. Took me emotionally back to the mid-70's and Dr. Renee Richards, the first time I realized who I was. Finally, a book by another doctor that told me it's not too late. 

 

So here I am, another failed marriage, another friend, the best I ever had, lost. We will not be enemies. But she has enough friends to build her up, keep her on an even keel - always has. As for me, as I always have been, I'm afraid of making friends, afraid I'll just push them away, like I always have.

 

But it's ok. I'm finally me, and I have you all here. Thank you.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
51 minutes ago, Hannah Renee said:

I'm afraid of making friends, afraid I'll just push them away, like I always have.

 

But it's ok. I'm finally me, and I have you all here. Thank you.

Hannah,

 

I pray for you and your happiness with friends. Friends you make as Hannah, the woman you should have always been. Hannah is your chance to break the cycle of pushing people away. You will be okay, and I pray eventually happy.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Link to comment

@JaycieI was in the Boston area for about 10 years with my previous (#3) wife. My job for 37 years was overwhelmingly male dominated. During those 10 years, my best friend was a woman. She came out to Chicago a few years after I left Boston to be the "Best Man" at my (most recent) wedding. Years ago by, and we exchange Christmas cards and occasional birthday cards. Sadly, I haven't told her that I'm getting divorced and transitioning. Lack of courage. Soon. Same for the friend who cut me off 5 years ago - maybe. 

 

Funny, it only occurred to me as I wrote about the past regarding my chosen middle name. Renee means reborn, and that was my conscious reason for adopting it. I realized that, subliminally, it was because of Renee Richards.

 

@MmindyAgain, thank you from the bottom of my heart, and God bless you.

Hugs to all at TGP.❤️

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...

Since I spent so many decades avoiding and denying the truth, it only stands to reason that I've been denying another truth. Thinking back to my earlier reference of the dream that came true, I have to admit that nothing about the dream has changed. Part of that realization comes from a whole lot of time to just think - ruminate, if you will - along with a number of things that have been shared by others here on TGP. I wish I could thank each and every individual who has contributed, but I'll just throw it out there. Thank you everyone.

 

Anyway, while I don't know that my wife would understand this, but there's still no question that the woman that I held in those dreams was the woman who will soon be my ex-wife. Sad. Granted, we have grown apart over the past number of years, but I truly believe that nobody else could have fit me - my soul - better. That's not to say that we would have been married, or even dated, really, had I already been out 27 years ago. But that's who she was.

Link to comment

A month ago I mentioned my friend from Boston, and that I hadn't told her about my transition and pending divorce. We'll, I wrote to her a couple weeks ago, and heard back from her this week. First was a lovely card with a letter enclosed, reaffirming why she is such a wonderful person and friend. Within was an admonition to both of us to be better at staying in touch. Then some questions about the divorce and my transition, wanting to generally know and understand how I got to this point. Admitting that she is basically clueless (for lack of a better word) about trans folks, what we go through emotionally, what the transition process is like - stuff like that.

 

A couple days later, we talked on the phone for about 1+15, an absolutely uplifting and comforting conversation. I'm getting a few tears thinking back on it. I feel badly about having been afraid to tell her, about not giving her the credit she deserves as a person who knows how to be a good friend. And I feel so blessed to have a friend like her. Priceless.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
4 hours ago, Hannah Renee said:

I feel so blessed to have a friend like her. Priceless.

That's great Hannah,

 

I'm so happy for you, now that you have a long standing friendship who is interested in Hannah as a friend. I hope it continues to build.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Link to comment
8 hours ago, Hannah Renee said:

A month ago I mentioned my friend from Boston, and that I hadn't told her about my transition and pending divorce. We'll, I wrote to her a couple weeks ago, and heard back from her this week. First was a lovely card with a letter enclosed, reaffirming why she is such a wonderful person and friend. Within was an admonition to both of us to be better at staying in touch. Then some questions about the divorce and my transition, wanting to generally know and understand how I got to this point. Admitting that she is basically clueless (for lack of a better word) about trans folks, what we go through emotionally, what the transition process is like - stuff like that.

 

A couple days later, we talked on the phone for about 1+15, an absolutely uplifting and comforting conversation. I'm getting a few tears thinking back on it. I feel badly about having been afraid to tell her, about not giving her the credit she deserves as a person who knows how to be a good friend. And I feel so blessed to have a friend like her. Priceless.

 

That's so nice! I'm so happy for you! 💖

Link to comment

Hannah thats wonderful and she is a true friend.

I lost a bunch of so called friends when I came out as trans.

Remember this was 15 years ago and there was little support.

Some older friends did respond positively so we are still in contact.

All the new friends I have made have only known me as a woman or transwoman but I don't push my transition on people because not everyone needs to know.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Hannah Renee I’m so happy you’ve had this wonderful connection after sharing this part of yourself with your friend. I wish you both the best in redefining and cultivating this friendship even further in time. You can never have enough of those type of relationships.🙂

 

*Hugs*

Susan R🌷

Link to comment
7 hours ago, Susan R said:

@Hannah Renee I’m so happy you’ve had this wonderful connection after sharing this part of yourself with your friend. I wish you both the best in redefining and cultivating this friendship even further in time. You can never have enough of those type of relationships.🙂

 

*Hugs*

Susan R🌷

You are so right, and I admit to feeling somewhat ashamed of myself for thinking she would react negatively. She is a treasure, and I wish we lived close enough to get together every once in a while. Not moving back to Boston, though.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 89 Guests (See full list)

    • Ashley0616
    • Mmindy
    • Mallory Mayson
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,941
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Miss Cormac
    Newest Member
    Miss Cormac
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Ashley0616
      I used to follow baseball and the team I would cheer for is Boston Red Sox. My favorite player was Papi. He was an awesome guy and even held a child during the National Anthem. I haven't watched baseball for a long time. It just died off to me. 
    • Ashley0616
      That stinks that nothing transferred, and no bookmarks were saved! 
    • Ashley0616
      I'm doing patches for now but I think soon I'll go to shots because it's hard to alternate when you are doing two xx patches at once. Unless she gives me Estradiol and progesterone
    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
    • Willow
      Both of my parents were from the “North Shore” of Boston.  My mother Lynn and my father Swampscot.  They had an early 1900s Scots-Irish New England diet.  My sister and I were born in the 40s in Ohio well away from New England seafood and in an area where food was more German and Polish.  My first experience with liver and onions was during basic training.  They ate salt cod but never forced us to eat it same with oysters.  My dad ate oysters but my mother wouldn’t.  Anyone who ever ate an oyster can figure that one out.  I grew up eating lamb.  My wife won’t touch it. I love brazed ox tail, again no way. And the list goes on.  
    • KathyLauren
      My mother was German, so yes, I think it was a cultural thing.  If I'd known you when we were cleaning out my mother's place, I could have sent you her "threat jar". 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been taking it real easy.Another good neighbor of mine and his 15 year old son came over and cut down a couple dead trees on my property.Knew not to do it taking it easy.I had them put the wood near my fire pit in the back yard.Did it and happy where they put it.They knew I had stents put in and needed to take it easy
    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...