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How to deal with a wait


WillowA113

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As many of you know, my parents won’t let me transition until I’m 18 which is in 9 months. Now I know what you’re thinking. That’s very soon. And with that I agree. But there’s a problem. 
Recently, (a few weeks ago) I realized how soon I will be able to transition. I realized I was trans and wanted to transition back in 2020 and all of a sudden it went from feeling unattainable to right around the corner. Anyway, realizing this got my over-planning, optimistic, future-thinking, perfectionist, ocd-ridden brain wanting to do everything I could possibly do to prepare for this. I’ve done everything I could think of and it only went from 10 months away to 9. I think all this optimism tricked my mind into thinking it’s sooner than it actually is. I’m now prepared to start in like a week but it’s 9 months away. I’m not stupid, I know it’s 9 months, but at the same time part of me doesn’t realize that. I keep preparing and anticipating like it’s about to happen but it’s not. I’m scared I’m setting myself for disappointment. Soon the day I tricked myself to waiting for will come to pass and… nothing. I’m afraid when that happens I’ll go back to my 2020 self. I’ll go back to feeling like it’s forever away. I agree, 9 months isn’t long at all. But compared to a few days, it’s eternity. I should’ve waited to prepare when it was closer to the time. But I got too overexcited and accidentally got my hopes up.
I don’t know what to do about this. Advice?  

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@WillowA113Honestly, that seems to be one of the hardest parts about being young. Anticipation, wanting the time to pass. Like it takes 18 months for a 9-month school year to pass, and 3 weeks for a 3-month summer vacation. Now it's hard to believe it's been over 50 years since I graduated high school. 

 

I've been preparing a list of people and entities I need to notify of my name change. Check it every few days. Hoping to get it done by the end of the year. Tired of showing ID with the wrong name and picture. Boom - 5 weeks away now, much earlier than I dreamed, I can almost taste it, and it's almost harder to wait. 

 

Think about what you said - from feeling unattainable to right around the corner. Think about how much the wait and anticipation will ultimately be worth it. Your planning, etc: just part of the journey. You have years ahead of you and you're off to a good start. There will be bumps, but settle in, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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3 minutes ago, Hannah Renee said:

@WillowA113Honestly, that seems to be one of the hardest parts about being young. Anticipation, wanting the time to pass. Like it takes 18 months for a 9-month school year to pass, and 3 weeks for a 3-month summer vacation. Now it's hard to believe it's been over 50 years since I graduated high school. 

 

I've been preparing a list of people and entities I need to notify of my name change. Check it every few days. Hoping to get it done by the end of the year. Tired of showing ID with the wrong name and picture. Boom - 5 weeks away now, much earlier than I dreamed, I can almost taste it, and it's almost harder to wait. 

 

Think about what you said - from feeling unattainable to right around the corner. Think about how much the wait and anticipation will ultimately be worth it. Your planning, etc: just part of the journey. You have years ahead of you and you're off to a good start. There will be bumps, but settle in, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

Thanks. It’s hard in the moment but I know it will feel worth it afterwards. 

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While my situation is very different from yours in many ways, I also was ready to move forward with my life in 2020 and had made plans but they were thwarted by living situation factors not within my control. The anticipation grows and one thinks - “just 3 more months.” Then there are new delays. Then it’s another 3 months and another. In my case….I don’t really know when that point will actually happen and I have doubts at times it ever will…it’s been almost 7 years since I’ve last been in public and, well, almost 25 since I first thought of transitioning.

 

Yet I plan, I dream, I hope, I get frustrated and angry even that I can’t do what I want NOW. Sometimes I think it’ll never happen, so why even hope or plan? And I know this is not living in the moment, it is not helpful to get upset about it, but that tendency is still there.

 

I try to temper that by spending time online, seeing what others have done and doing more preparatory steps. What steps can I take now? What products can I buy or will I buy when it’s time? Are there new makeup and hair tricks I can learn? How can I better care for my skin and nails NOW? Doing work outs to tone trouble spots like my tummy. And during the few alone times I can practice makeup and my voice.

 

The rest of the time…well, I have to remember to appreciate the moment. I also try to stay busy with mundane tasks, things that must be done, as time goes by more quickly and it gets non-fun things out of the way. I find when I can’t be busy or distracted by media, the OCD & worry is hardest. Meditation is a useful skill to learn, and just reading and learning anything new keeps the mind in something useful and valuable rather than obsession and anxiety. 
 

If you are planning a full-time transition, cherish your last months as a male as someday this time will be a distant memory. Take a few photos in case you ever want to do a transition timeline video. And continue to prep & research and practice as you are able to. And yes…I know the waiting is excruciating sometimes, so hang in there!

 

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Ok, so here's what I did: Start making progress. Doctors have long wait times for new patients anyway, might as well start scheduling things now. Are you planning on HRT? That's going to need either a note from a psychologist specializing in gender issues or an informed consent clinic (depending on your State). Start figuring that out. What about voice training? That takes a minute and you can start that from the comfort of your own home, no intervention required. I was always good with waiting so long as I was making SOME progress. Work on yourself. Ask yourself what kind of woman you want to be, then work to make that happen.

 

Hugs!

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28 minutes ago, Desert Fox said:

While my situation is very different from yours in many ways, I also was ready to move forward with my life in 2020 and had made plans but they were thwarted by living situation factors not within my control. The anticipation grows and one thinks - “just 3 more months.” Then there are new delays. Then it’s another 3 months and another. In my case….I don’t really know when that point will actually happen and I have doubts at times it ever will…it’s been almost 7 years since I’ve last been in public and, well, almost 25 since I first thought of transitioning.

 

Yet I plan, I dream, I hope, I get frustrated and angry even that I can’t do what I want NOW. Sometimes I think it’ll never happen, so why even hope or plan? And I know this is not living in the moment, it is not helpful to get upset about it, but that tendency is still there.

 

I try to temper that by spending time online, seeing what others have done and doing more preparatory steps. What steps can I take now? What products can I buy or will I buy when it’s time? Are there new makeup and hair tricks I can learn? How can I better care for my skin and nails NOW? Doing work outs to tone trouble spots like my tummy. And during the few alone times I can practice makeup and my voice.

 

The rest of the time…well, I have to remember to appreciate the moment. I also try to stay busy with mundane tasks, things that must be done, as time goes by more quickly and it gets non-fun things out of the way. I find when I can’t be busy or distracted by media, the OCD & worry is hardest. Meditation is a useful skill to learn, and just reading and learning anything new keeps the mind in something useful and valuable rather than obsession and anxiety. 
 

If you are planning a full-time transition, cherish your last months as a male as someday this time will be a distant memory. Take a few photos in case you ever want to do a transition timeline video. And continue to prep & research and practice as you are able to. And yes…I know the waiting is excruciating sometimes, so hang in there!

 

Thanks i can relate to your story on sone levels. Its so hard with so many delays. I also just want it right this second. I have been meditating and reading and learning a language and other things but I still think about it. I think its because every time im misgendered im reminded of that and im misgendered many, many times every single day. 
Yes I am planning on a full time transition. When I start I want to go 100% right away. It will make up for all the lost time. Haha i don't think I’ll cherish the dysphoria lol. A transition timeline does sound cool! 
Thanks for the advice and your story! 

 

30 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Ok, so here's what I did: Start making progress. Doctors have long wait times for new patients anyway, might as well start scheduling things now. Are you planning on HRT? That's going to need either a note from a psychologist specializing in gender issues or an informed consent clinic (depending on your State). Start figuring that out. What about voice training? That takes a minute and you can start that from the comfort of your own home, no intervention required. I was always good with waiting so long as I was making SOME progress. Work on yourself. Ask yourself what kind of woman you want to be, then work to make that happen.

 

Hugs!

Great ideas!! I have a therapist. She doesn’t exactly specialize in gender issues although she is very accepting. Would getting a note from her help at all? Do you know how I can find hrt doctors near me (Queen Creek, AZ)? Would it be possible to schedule an appointment for April 2023 or does their schedule not go that far? Voice training is something I really need to work on. If anyone wants to practice with me on zoom, I’d like that! 
Thanks so much for your advice!! 

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23 minutes ago, WillowA113 said:

She doesn’t exactly specialize in gender issues although she is very accepting. Would getting a note from her help at all?

 

I don't know the rules in AZ, but it wouldn't work here. It's a specialty field unfortunately. If there's a university handy, check and see if they have a gender therapy department. The one at UofM hooked me up with a LMSW who could sign one of my letters and gave me some suggestions for therapists outside their program for my second letter when I went in for GCS.

 

Hugs!

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@WillowA113As Jackie C said, ASU or UA or both should, as major universities, have something. Check them out 

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Thanks that sounds good but unfortunately I can’t do that yet. Would my therapist be able to speed it up at all or would she really be able to do nothing? 

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There are always lots of little things you can do. In the UK the NHS system is free but involves long waiting lists. As Jackie & others have said, work on the things that you can, voice, hair removal/skin care routine, if you can find somewhere to practice going out as yourself to build confidence even better. My first couple of trips outside the house, I had a "go bag" I changed into, and it was just to walk in a secluded spot for 30mins or so where I could see how I felt being outside. Waiting is a huge part of transitioning, but the time will soon pass.

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3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

I don't know the rules in AZ, but it wouldn't work here. It's a specialty field unfortunately. If there's a university handy, check and see if they have a gender therapy department. The one at UofM hooked me up with a LMSW who could sign one of my letters and gave me some suggestions for therapists outside their program for my second letter when I went in for GCS.

 

Hugs!

Here in AZ it's a specialty field, too. Or so my PCP has told me. Fortunately, @WillowA113you're in the Phoenix metro area That means there are a number of universities here that are affiliated with entities such as the Banner Health Care system, which does have gender therapy. As does the Mayo clinic. The state even accepts a number of telemedicine gender care specialist clinics, and obtaining things like a name change and gender change on your DL are pretty straightforward. But on the expensive side. For example, a name change in Maricopa County costs around $320 and you don't have to physically appear in court. The same holds true for a gender change, but you DO have to appear in court for that one.

 

Best wishes on your journey.

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1 hour ago, DeeDee said:

There are always lots of little things you can do. In the UK the NHS system is free but involves long waiting lists. As Jackie & others have said, work on the things that you can, voice, hair removal/skin care routine, if you can find somewhere to practice going out as yourself to build confidence even better. My first couple of trips outside the house, I had a "go bag" I changed into, and it was just to walk in a secluded spot for 30mins or so where I could see how I felt being outside. Waiting is a huge part of transitioning, but the time will soon pass.

Thanks for the ideas 

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1 hour ago, Marcie Jensen said:

Here in AZ it's a specialty field, too. Or so my PCP has told me. Fortunately, @WillowA113you're in the Phoenix metro area That means there are a number of universities here that are affiliated with entities such as the Banner Health Care system, which does have gender therapy. As does the Mayo clinic. The state even accepts a number of telemedicine gender care specialist clinics, and obtaining things like a name change and gender change on your DL are pretty straightforward. But on the expensive side. For example, a name change in Maricopa County costs around $320 and you don't have to physically appear in court. The same holds true for a gender change, but you DO have to appear in court for that one.

 

Best wishes on your journey.

Oh! Someone else from AZ! Unfortunately I can’t visit those universities. My parents wouldn’t let me. Once I get my drivers license I can, but I just got my permit a few weeks ago so thats still a while away. 
I’m not too worried about a name change right now. I have my priorities in other places. 
Thank you!

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