Hi, you can call me Sakura

[Sakura Sunset]

  Hi

  This is my second post on these forums.  I have had a stalker so I am going to call myself Sakura, that isn't my name, but it's ok.

 

I have a long history of abuse from most of my family and an ex spouse, I'm also disabled.  I have known I'm trans for a long time, but my family deliberately interfered in a variety of different ways, including actively sitting back while an ex with a severe mental health issue tried to kill me, having a hand slammed in a basement door untill it swole up to the point it wouldnt move as punishment, melting my back, denying me medical treatment for injuries including breaks, being told I'm worthless, being used as a slave to do labour(I know it sounds melodramatic), every moment I wasn't in the religious school they chose after finding out I was trans they forced me into the unlit basement to sort screws, nuts and bolts into containers untill bedtime, or working on the roof, or using power tools, or some other backbreaking physical labour a child who isn't even a teenager shouldnt be doing, I spent longer in there than in school, had to watch as my siblings were spoiled rotten and had everything provided to them, in contrast I had been expected to work and pay rent from about thirteen and had to pay my own way basically everywhere and was expected to do regualr work even when doctors told me I could die if I worked I was encouraged to "get off my ass and go back to work" or expected to do things I'm not supposed to do then called lazy if I didnt do them despite having able bodied siblings in the house who werent doing anything (a few things not severe enough to warrant being off work included a hernia and surgery, severe work related back injury, suspected bowel cancer which changed to a different diagnosis I cant discuss that causes my stomach to bloat like im 9 months pregnant even though I dont eat more than one meal a day and excercise every day), they tried to force me into the church to "fix me" and because they wanted me to be a priest, something I resisted as hard as I could.   

 

I really struggle with the fact I'm in my late twenties to mid thirties and haven't been able to transition yet.  I worry about how long has passed, how many years I've been forced to live in a body I hate as a gender I dont identify as, how many years I've lost that are filled with nothing but pain that I can never get back, I feel like theres a clock tiking away over my head.  I'm scared.  Scared I'll never pass, scared because I've been battered into such an unnatural (pretending to be cis) position for so long I'm scared I'll never really fit either world.

 

My mind turns to dark places, I've had therapy before in my past, I use coping mechanisms I was taught but ultimately it's so hard to feel...   right?

My parents tried to force the trans out of me, insead they just made it so I'm not comfortable dressing how I want in front of people.

It's taken me two years to dress female in front of a friend for the first time and its so hard to feel comfortable, not because I dont like doing it, or im worried about what people will think but because they worked to sour it and make it feel wrong, i remember being forced to put womens clothing on while I was being laughed at as some kind of "private therapy" offered by the church.  I keep expecting the deiberate ridicule they subjected me to, or the violence, or my mothers unique brand of hatred, I find my skin crawling and feel intensely vulnerable, then for one single beautiful one minute period, I was able to overcome it and it was the most natural thing in the world, I felt incredible, not because something special happened but because I actually felt comfortable, dressed like that, more than that, it felt right, but they worked so hard to sour it it never lasts long.

 

My husband and new family help.  Without them I think I would have walked away by now.

I don't have much faith left in people, I want to, but bitter experience has taught me better.

I hate politics, it's an excuse for people to treat each other like crud.

You want the real bad guys/girls?  It's the companies fanning the fighting to distract from their powergrabs/agenda and big pharma/insurance protecting their exorbitant markups by donating to the campaigns of people who agree to protect their right to profiteer off of people without regulations on the markups that can be charged to people.  

Life's hard, and short and unfair, too much so for me to wish harm on anyone for something out of their control like race, sex, orientation or politics.

I long for a return to when people could disagree civily about a political topic and remain friends, even if they don't agree.  I acknowledge some people aren't mature enough for this and its a shame.

 

 So there you have it.  A little about me.

Sorry if it seems to be a bit of a ramble, I never know where or how to start with introduction threads.

 

Sakura

[Jackie C.]

That... sounds like a long string of "conversion therapy" tricks to "man you up." I'm sorry you had to deal with any of that. Nobody should be subjected to abuse. Especially not from the people who are supposed to love and support them unconditionally.

 

I like that your spouse is supportive though, that makes transition ever so much easier. For a little more encouragement, I started at 48. Most people don't look twice at me. I'm just one of the girls. A dear friend of mine started at 29, and she's doing great too. It's never too late to be yourself sweetie.

 

Hugs!

[Heather Shay]

I'm so glad you found us. You are supported here.

Hugs

Heather

[Vidanjali]

Hi & welcome @Sakura Sunset . I'm glad you're here. I wish you much peace and healing. Please keep in touch with us here. This community is very loving and supportive. 

[Delcina B]

Welcome Sakura! Glad you're here! Sometimes I wish people like your family could walk a mile in our shoes, it would be an enlightening experience. I was my own worst abuser, basing who society thought I should be, very low self-esteem & so much self hate. I don't know that an early start in transition is crucial, I'm just happy I lived long enough to begin the journey exploring my femme. Sometimes I feel like a teenager, working to undo years of "manning up." I'm happy for you your spouse & new family are supportive. I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[Sakura Sunset]

Thanks for all the welcomes, and support, and hugs *giggles*.

I'm so happy resources like this exist, this is such a beautiful community filled with friendly welcoming people.

 

To be frank Jackie, my husband said the same when I eventually talked a little about the past with him and I agree.  My mother was the "power" figure in my parents relationship and a religious zealot, dad was vicious but lacked motivation without my mother browbeating him into doing stuff.  I was a voracious reader but all they would give me was new and old testement and various supporting texts and christian literature, once I was able to get my own library card I realized how much I loved reading (curling up in candlelight with a good book and a blanket can be so romantic, <3) and how much was being hidden from me or lied about.  I also started to question the church, that didn't help either.  The stuff they had me doing fits with some of the "conversion therapy" treatments I've heard of, but I was never explicitly told it was such, I know other people were sent to some of the sessions and I was taken out of religious school sometimes to go to them, I also have a few very early childhood memories of wearing girly clothes, some behind my parents back but a few are different, I dont remember my parents in any of them and I'm not doing things they would like despite being a place they would have had to take me.

 

  I've always found these memories suspect though, I'm in a park and I'm small in like summer dresses and it feels good, but thats not something my parents would ever support and while there is a memory I have that could explain it, I dont think that explanation would be accurate (I was nearly abducted as a very young child (toddler) after my mother left me on the other side of a busy public road after crossing at a street junction without me and another similar looking woman approached me, I don't remember either of my parents faces before this point well enough to say which was my parent from faces at the time, but I do recall having a sibling next to me in a walker, my husband doesnt even think im related to my family as my father has different hair color and my other siblings are treated differently, but I'm not sure thats right.) 

 

I'm really sorry to hear it Delcina, I have similar issues, our minds really can make things so awkward, its disgusting how badly parents can get away with brainwashing their charges without anyone batting an eyelid.  I particularly suffer from the whole "manning up" thing too,  as a result I find myself doing things even when I'm far too injured to do it well or even at all often. 

 

Oddly enough I dont think I've ever experienced hate from another individual quite like hate from my family.  I just don't get how people can treat family that.  Or other people like us, all they need to do is be accepting, you don't have to agree with somebody to recognize their right to exist without torturing them to make them more like how you want them.  It makes me sick that people as sweet as the fine folk of this forum and myself have to go through this, I just want to hug everyone who's been there.  I'm really glad you have a chance to undo it and be yourself, I'm doing my best to get there, do you have any advice re not "manning up"?  It's hard, it's such an ingrained habit.  Do you maybe have anything you could suggest to turn the paradigm on its head and "girl up" instead?

 

Hugs!

Sakura

[Jackie C.]

6 hours ago, Sakura Sunset said:

Oddly enough I dont think I've ever experienced hate from another individual quite like hate from my family.

 

Yeah, I feel that. The thing to remember is that your birth-family is more like your "recommended starting party" in a video game. You don't have to keep them. I've built my own family out of friends I adore and people in my life who ACTUALLY love me for who I am instead of some made-up thing they think I ought to be. The initial break is a little rough, but with distance you start to realize how poorly they always treated you and start to heal.

 

For a concrete example; a LOT of my upbringing looks like child abuse through adult eyes. Going beyond the drugging (ok, poisoning, what they fed me SHOULD have killed me), I was repeatedly forced to do things that brought a life-threatening illness (I'm asthmatic) into play. I'm not really sure how I survived most of my childhood. Despite that, I still kept them in my life until my late 40s. I finally cut ties when they started insulting my friends.

You get used to them coming at you. They come at people you love? That's a game-changer.

 

Hugs!

[Kylie]

Welcome! 
I am so sorry that was your experience. Glad you have found a more supportive environment and circle. 
 

Well wishes as you go on the journey of finding yourself! 

[Kasumi63]

Hi, Sakura!

 

Yes, it sounds like you've had more than your share of struggles. Good luck! There's light at the end of the tunnel. By the way, I love your name! (For those who don't know, "sakura" means "cherry blossoms," in Japanese.) It's not particularly common over here, but I've met a few. Sakura, as you probably know, is symbolic of life: brief but beautiful. Good luck as you begin to blossom! Rooting for you from the other side of the world!

[Sakura Sunset]

On 7/5/2022 at 11:38 AM, Jackie C. said:

 

Yeah, I feel that. The thing to remember is that your birth-family is more like your "recommended starting party" in a video game. You don't have to keep them. I've built my own family out of friends I adore and people in my life who ACTUALLY love me for who I am instead of some made-up thing they think I ought to be. The initial break is a little rough, but with distance you start to realize how poorly they always treated you and start to heal.

I actually had that moment of realization not that long ago(originally after getting some distance), then even more strongly yesterday, after finally cutting contact completely (I made the decision yesterday, one of them had a possibly terminal condition they used to try and keep me talking (assuming they were being honest), they got the all clear yesterday.  I didn't want to cut ties completely while that was going on untill they were ok, even if they wouldn't extend me the same curtesy).

 

I felt guilty at first but the more I look back the more awful things they are responsible for come into my mind.  I know I should be angry, furious even, but it just wont come, I just feel empty and hollow and so, so tired of fighting for the most basic acceptance.  I think cutting contact was for the best, I'd deliberately minimized my communications before this point point but turning your back is hard, even when it shouldn't be, even when you know it's the healthy thing for you to do.

 

I feel better for being away from them, but I still pick the wounds mentally, going over and over in my head, what I could have done differently?  Why did things have to be like this?  Why couldn't I just have been...

 

*sighs*

 

I'm sorry you or anyone else has had to go through that level of hurt.  The fact somebody could do that to you is disgusting, let alone the fact they were family.  So many of us have these stories, each one different but so many with similar themes of rejection, pain and hurt.  I long for a day when it isn't like this and I know I'm not the only one.

 

HUGS

Sakura 

[Sakura Sunset]

On 7/5/2022 at 2:14 PM, Kylie said:

Welcome! 
I am so sorry that was your experience. Glad you have found a more supportive environment and circle. 
 

Well wishes as you go on the journey of finding yourself! 

Thanks, it's a slow journey, but it feels so, so worthwhile.

 

[Jackie C.]

5 minutes ago, Sakura Sunset said:

I feel better for being away from them, but I still pick the wounds mentally, going over and over in my head, what I could have done differently?  Why did things have to be like this?  Why couldn't I just have been...

 

That takes a minute to get past. I still pick at the scabs sometimes when I'm feeling down but, I've been working to direct that energy elsewhere and it doesn't come up so often anymore.

 

If I was thinking about giving them another chance, I caught up with some friends who are still in contact a couple of weeks ago and discovered that my birth-giver is currently involved as a willing accomplice to an elder-abuse case. They are NOT good people.

 

Hugs!

[Sakura Sunset]

On 7/6/2022 at 7:28 AM, Kasumi63 said:

Hi, Sakura!

 

Yes, it sounds like you've had more than your share of struggles. Good luck! There's light at the end of the tunnel. By the way, I love your name! (For those who don't know, "sakura" means "cherry blossoms," in Japanese.) It's not particularly common over here, but I've met a few. Sakura, as you probably know, is symbolic of life: brief but beautiful. Good luck as you begin to blossom! Rooting for you from the other side of the world!

Hi!

 

Honestly, there's always somone who has had to deal with worse, I certainly hope I dont have many more.  I'm just happy I can finally start to be myself after all these years of being forced to play the part like an actor on stage, pretending to be something I'm not, or else.  I'm just grateful I got the chance to drop the act, finding myself may take a while, finding my laugh and figuring out how to be me, the real me, not the act I've been forced to play is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but one of the most rewarding.

 

  I actually studied Japanese for a time, enough to get a healthy grasp for just how bad the romanji, hiragana, katakana etc are to memorize(I did pull it off for a while), I could order food, ask for/give directions etc but I was never as good as I would have liked, my brain is sluggish picking up fresh languages.  I love the culture, clothes and language, (the non harmful parts, I know how the police treat tourists re framing for crimes and how untouchables are funneled into various gumi and ringo due to predjudice for example).  Not to mention the country (and its people) are so hauntingly beautiful.

 

  I used to watch the Sakura fall on a cherry blossom tree I tended to, it was one of the few things I loved doing, it was so pretty!   Every year around the time the Sakura would fall I would promise myself this year would be my last behind the mask, the last time I would watch it fall as a boy, then as time passed, a man, it never happened no matter how hard I tried, but Sakura always held a special meaning for me and I would watch every time it fell, to me its always been a symbol of hope but it was always bittersweet, watching another year go by unfulfilled.

 

Thanks for the well wishes and the warm welcome ^^

 

Sakura

[SheenaT]

On 7/3/2022 at 3:46 AM, Sakura Sunset said:

  Hi

  This is my second post on these forums.  I have had a stalker so I am going to call myself Sakura, that isn't my name, but it's ok.

 

I have a long history of abuse from most of my family and an ex spouse, I'm also disabled.  I have known I'm trans for a long time, but my family deliberately interfered in a variety of different ways, including actively sitting back while an ex with a severe mental health issue tried to kill me, having a hand slammed in a basement door untill it swole up to the point it wouldnt move as punishment, melting my back, denying me medical treatment for injuries including breaks, being told I'm worthless, being used as a slave to do labour(I know it sounds melodramatic), every moment I wasn't in the religious school they chose after finding out I was trans they forced me into the unlit basement to sort screws, nuts and bolts into containers untill bedtime, or working on the roof, or using power tools, or some other backbreaking physical labour a child who isn't even a teenager shouldnt be doing, I spent longer in there than in school, had to watch as my siblings were spoiled rotten and had everything provided to them, in contrast I had been expected to work and pay rent from about thirteen and had to pay my own way basically everywhere and was expected to do regualr work even when doctors told me I could die if I worked I was encouraged to "get off my ass and go back to work" or expected to do things I'm not supposed to do then called lazy if I didnt do them despite having able bodied siblings in the house who werent doing anything (a few things not severe enough to warrant being off work included a hernia and surgery, severe work related back injury, suspected bowel cancer which changed to a different diagnosis I cant discuss that causes my stomach to bloat like im 9 months pregnant even though I dont eat more than one meal a day and excercise every day), they tried to force me into the church to "fix me" and because they wanted me to be a priest, something I resisted as hard as I could.   

 

I really struggle with the fact I'm in my late twenties to mid thirties and haven't been able to transition yet.  I worry about how long has passed, how many years I've been forced to live in a body I hate as a gender I dont identify as, how many years I've lost that are filled with nothing but pain that I can never get back, I feel like theres a clock tiking away over my head.  I'm scared.  Scared I'll never pass, scared because I've been battered into such an unnatural (pretending to be cis) position for so long I'm scared I'll never really fit either world.

 

My mind turns to dark places, I've had therapy before in my past, I use coping mechanisms I was taught but ultimately it's so hard to feel...   right?

My parents tried to force the trans out of me, insead they just made it so I'm not comfortable dressing how I want in front of people.

It's taken me two years to dress female in front of a friend for the first time and its so hard to feel comfortable, not because I dont like doing it, or im worried about what people will think but because they worked to sour it and make it feel wrong, i remember being forced to put womens clothing on while I was being laughed at as some kind of "private therapy" offered by the church.  I keep expecting the deiberate ridicule they subjected me to, or the violence, or my mothers unique brand of hatred, I find my skin crawling and feel intensely vulnerable, then for one single beautiful one minute period, I was able to overcome it and it was the most natural thing in the world, I felt incredible, not because something special happened but because I actually felt comfortable, dressed like that, more than that, it felt right, but they worked so hard to sour it it never lasts long.

 

My husband and new family help.  Without them I think I would have walked away by now.

I don't have much faith left in people, I want to, but bitter experience has taught me better.

I hate politics, it's an excuse for people to treat each other like crud.

You want the real bad guys/girls?  It's the companies fanning the fighting to distract from their powergrabs/agenda and big pharma/insurance protecting their exorbitant markups by donating to the campaigns of people who agree to protect their right to profiteer off of people without regulations on the markups that can be charged to people.  

Life's hard, and short and unfair, too much so for me to wish harm on anyone for something out of their control like race, sex, orientation or politics.

I long for a return to when people could disagree civily about a political topic and remain friends, even if they don't agree.  I acknowledge some people aren't mature enough for this and its a shame.

 

 So there you have it.  A little about me.

Sorry if it seems to be a bit of a ramble, I never know where or how to start with introduction threads.

 

Sakura

🤗

[Delcina B]

Hi @Sakura Sunset! The undoing of manning up, hmmm? For me it's been a slow process. Some things I do I kind of see as things men typically do, but the separation of masculine/feminine behavior seems like it's becoming more nonbinary. The other day as I was changing a flat tire I was wishing for my knight in shining armor to show up, he never did. A lot of it is how I see myself, a transgender woman, feminine mannerisms improve with practice, my voice a bit softer. I have recently noticed as my self confidence improves I feel more comfortable being me, it projects out & people are more accepting. I hope this helps!

 

Hugs!

Delcina