How'd you figure out you were trans?

[Russ Fenrisson]

@Telestria Sometimes it is a long way coming. I'm sorry you had to go through such trials and pains before coming to where you are today, but I hope you are doing better.

 

When I first heard about Christine Jorgenson, I thought she was an incredible woman. To be able to change her life the way she did to get the life she desired was a hard but courageous thing.

 

Sometimes learning about other trans people and their struggles helps me to also understand myself. If I didn't have that, I don't know where I'd be.

[Russ Fenrisson]

@Lexi C That is so true. Sometimes other people will talk you out of it saying you'll only regret your decision, you're going through a phase, but they don't truly understand how embracing what lies below is actually what will make one feel better. It's starting to become a more prevalent journey, but with time, I hope it's more accepted and easier to achieve.

[DylanB1452]

I was around 7 or so when I realized I wanted to really follow in my brother's shadow in terms of hobbies and clothing. At around 8, I realized I just wanted to be a boy, not any specific boy, but quite simply "a boy." I came out at around 9, but at that age I actually didn't know what transgender was at all. I honestly thought I was lesbian at around 8. It wasn't until after I came out at 9 that I found out I wasn't the only one in the world who felt this way. Looking back on it it was very naive to believe I was the only one who wanted to be a boy, but then again I was only 9 ahah.

[helena]

On 8/2/2022 at 9:35 PM, Russ Fenrisson said:

@Lexi C That is so true. Sometimes other people will talk you out of it saying you'll only regret your decision, you're going through a phase...

I think this is the worst part when considering transitioning. People say "Don't do anything you'll regret". How am I suppose to know if I end up regretting transition? Or do I end up regretting I didn't?

 

Anyway... I'm thinking if the first signs of my transsexuality reaches back when i was 2 or 3. According to my my mom I had a shoulder long red hair and when her friend, who was teaching hair styling in a vocational school tried to cut it short, I had some serious tantrums. I have no memories of this, but I've been told this happened more than once, before they succeeded barbering me.

Before puberty I tend to play with girls next door. After being bullied by other boys I stopped it. Probably then I realized I should bury these feelings forever. However I couldn't resist them and frequently visited moms wardrobe after school when I was home alone.

After moving away from my parents I had long stretches not feeling anything but just being one of the guys. A minor breakdown in my 30s when I announced my wife and parents, after drinking heavily, that I was a woman. Later I denied it all of course and blamed poor financials and heavy stress.

Now in my 40s I present as a woman in my home and constantly think about transitioning. I had an appointment last spring to a trans care unit (In Finland we have two units providing medical transitioning procedures), but again I chickened out and cancelled it.

 

So I guess I've always in some level known there's something off in me, but it took me 40 or so years to finally come in terms with it, knowing what it is and I guess I could say accepted it. The only question still unanswered is should I transition. There's nothing I want more, but I'm still doubting myself.

 

Cheers, Helena

[MirandaB]

Starting HRT can have a way of letting you know. It didn't take long until I realized that it was absolutely the correct path. And unless you start presenting as a woman outside the home no one will have to know you've started until you feel more comfortable in your decision. 

[Russ Fenrisson]

@helenaOnly you know the answer to that. Whether to transition or not, that's your own decision, and when you do, you can decide how far you want to go. And I hate that prospect too: that it's a phase, you'll only regret it once you transition. That's up to the person themselves, not other people. It'll take time but you'll have the courage to do what you want to do. If you're afraid of the procedures or changes that occur when transitioning, you can always look up what happens during HRT and the things to prepare for while you're on it. Yeah, it can be scary at first, but in time, it might be very rewarding. Then you can decide if it's really for you or not. 9 times out of 10, people will know it's for them.

 

And @RhondaS is absolutely right. Only do what's comfortable for you. Always be mindful and do what makes you happy, regardless of what others think.

[Colleen Henderson]

I knew at age six - before there was a name for it. I had no one in whom to confide but somehow learned that what felt perfectly natural to me was something to be kept secret.

 

After spending many decades vacillating between one identity and two, with all of the attendant guilt, confusion, and unrelenting self-analysis, I decided just this year - upon the advice of my wife - to stop leading my life solely for the benefit of others and in fear of what they might think.

 

I'm unapologetically, confidently, and happily full-time now, at age 81. 

[Russ Fenrisson]

@Colleen HendersonNicely put. As long as you come to your answer, you can be at peace with yourself. It's a great feeling.

[Mmindy]

On 8/7/2022 at 4:02 PM, Colleen Henderson said:

I knew at age six - before there was a name for it. I had no one in whom to confide but somehow learned that what felt perfectly natural to me was something to be kept secret.

 

After spending many decades vacillating between one identity and two, with all of the attendant guilt, confusion, and unrelenting self-analysis, I decided just this year - upon the advice of my wife - to stop leading my life solely for the benefit of others and in fear of what they might think.

 

I'm unapologetically, confidently, and happily full-time now, at age 81. 

So well put Colleen,

 

It's amazing how common our stories are among mature peers, plus or minus the spouse going along with transition. I'll be 66 in November, and hope to be more focused on my transition in 2023.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Maddee]

On 8/6/2022 at 11:32 PM, helena said:

I think this is the worst part when considering transitioning. People say "Don't do anything you'll regret". How am I suppose to know if I end up regretting transition? Or do I end up regretting I didn't?

 

Anyway... I'm thinking if the first signs of my transsexuality reaches back when i was 2 or 3. According to my my mom I had a shoulder long red hair and when her friend, who was teaching hair styling in a vocational school tried to cut it short, I had some serious tantrums. I have no memories of this, but I've been told this happened more than once, before they succeeded barbering me.

Before puberty I tend to play with girls next door. After being bullied by other boys I stopped it. Probably then I realized I should bury these feelings forever. However I couldn't resist them and frequently visited moms wardrobe after school when I was home alone.

After moving away from my parents I had long stretches not feeling anything but just being one of the guys. A minor breakdown in my 30s when I announced my wife and parents, after drinking heavily, that I was a woman. Later I denied it all of course and blamed poor financials and heavy stress.

Now in my 40s I present as a woman in my home and constantly think about transitioning. I had an appointment last spring to a trans care unit (In Finland we have two units providing medical transitioning procedures), but again I chickened out and cancelled it.

 

So I guess I've always in some level known there's something off in me, but it took me 40 or so years to finally come in terms with it, knowing what it is and I guess I could say accepted it. The only question still unanswered is should I transition. There's nothing I want more, but I'm still doubting myself.

 

Cheers, Helena

Good luck Helena

 

I made the final decision to transition in my 40s.  Greater availablility of info and services nowadays  helped.

 

For me, I decided that I didn’t want to look back any later in life and wish I’d done it.  

Things haven’t become magically better (yet) but I never  regret the powerful, irrevocable, steps I’ve taken in this life path.  
 

These steps were pretty much my last options to take that embraced life and hope.

 

 

[helena]

On 8/7/2022 at 12:45 PM, RhondaS said:

Starting HRT can have a way of letting you know. It didn't take long until I realized that it was absolutely the correct path. And unless you start presenting as a woman outside the home no one will have to know you've started until you feel more comfortable in your decision. 

I hear you. My problem however is, that getting to the point where HRT is possible takes quite a long time and since I'm constantly doubting myself I wind up cancelling appointments and then I have to go thru the hoops all over again.

Before you have access to trans care unit you need to see a GP and shrink which is mandatory. After that it can take six to twelve months to get the diagnose before HRT is possible. There's quite a lot of time to think. Maybe if I could convince myself that it is not about the transition but finding out who I am, then maybe I'd stick to it.

 

On 8/7/2022 at 9:52 PM, Russ Fenrisson said:

Only you know the answer to that. Whether to transition or not, that's your own decision, and when you do, you can decide how far you want to go.

Yup. Got some mining work to be done in my mind to find out... 😄

 

7 hours ago, Maddee said:

For me, I decided that I didn’t want to look back any later in life and wish I’d done it.  

Things haven’t become magically better (yet) but I never  regret the powerful, irrevocable, steps I’ve taken in this life path.

Got to admire that! 

 

5 hours ago, Hannah Renee said:

Came up for air more frequently - longer periods of time. The dam finally broke a few years ago, and now I can breathe more easily, see more clearly.

An excellent way of putting it. That's basically how I feel. When presenting a woman, I get some air...

 

5 hours ago, Hannah Renee said:

I mentioned my ancestry to you at one point, so I hope I don't mess this up:

TUNNE ENSIN ITSESI, OLE SITTEN ITSE.

Yes. I remember. If there's a bright side in our gender mismatch condition, it really makes you to get to know yourself.

 

-Helena

[MirandaB]

There are people on the internet who'd tell you that if you're thinking this much about being trans you're trans. I won't say that to maintain objectivity. 😉

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, RhondaS said:

There are people on the internet who'd tell you that if you're thinking this much about being trans you're trans.

Yeah.  That's probably not definitive, but it does raise some questions.

I remember doing some of those online "tests" and hoping for a particular result.  Somehow I hoped they would validate what I had already realized.

[MirandaB]

Yes, if you think you might be trans and take an online test that says you're not trans and your reaction is to be upset you 'failed' the test then you're trans. 

[helena]

All the wisdom resides in the interwebz 🤣

[Red_Lauren.]

Honestly porn when I was like 15 22 years ago. I saw a picture of a beautiful blond, but she had male parts. Even then I figured it was fake. Well after lots of Google searches. I came across the early trans community online, and what I was reading. Was how I felt. 

 

In the end. Me being a -excited- teenage boy. Is what lead me to finding out I was trans. I'm sure not a lot of trans woman can say that.

[Ivy]

13 hours ago, RhondaS said:

Yes, if you think you might be trans and take an online test that says you're not trans and your reaction is to be upset you 'failed' the test then you're trans. 

LOL, but true.

[Heather Nicole]

15 hours ago, RhondaS said:

Yes, if you think you might be trans and take an online test that says you're not trans and your reaction is to be upset you 'failed' the test then you're trans. 

 

That was a big clue for me. I realized that I kept wanting the answer to "Am I trans?" to be "yes". And then I started to realize...that...kinda meant something!

 

9 hours ago, Red_Lauren. said:

In the end. Me being a -excited- teenage boy. Is what lead me to finding out I was trans. I'm sure not a lot of trans woman can say that.

 

I think it may be more common than people might admit to. It was certainly a factor for me. I would find myself envying, and mentally self-inserting myself into the fantasy AS, the women more and more, and not really identifying with or imagining myself quite so much as the guys. That ended up being another big clue for me. Although it was double-edged: It was one of the things that made it easy for a long while to dismiss it all as just some kink.

[JJ Orange]

I was looking at articles on how trans people feel about the world around them (harm, transphobia, medical procedures) and I related to a lot of them. I told myself "Hey I am not trans I am just very masculine" but as I went further down the rabbit hole, it became clear to me that I am trans. Once I came to terms with it, something in my life clicked. As if the whole time I was living "my" life, I was living the life I perceived other people wanted me to have. The first person I came out to said "Good! I'm glad you told me. Anyways.." and just went on with our conversation. They weren't shocked or disgusted, they saw me coming out as a normal fact of life. "Come on, we have stuff to get done today hurry up! ❤️"

The second person was someone who isn't transphobic but doesn't understand transgenderism. They was confused and became angry. Not at me, but because they didn't understand what being trans means. Now they seem to have a better understanding of it. 

Now that I am out to some loved ones, I feel free but the fact that I am not completely out bothers me. 

[Ivy]

On 8/10/2022 at 12:12 PM, Heather Nicole said:

I think it may be more common than people might admit to.

Yeah.  I realized that I didn't want to be with the woman…  I wanted to be the woman.

When I admitted this to the phycologist, she told me it was pretty common for trans-women.  That was a relief.  She had no problem handing me off to the endocrinologist.

[Guest]

I have known I was a transgender female since I was five years old. I had an intense yearning. Back then it was not something you could reach out to a parent to and get help. As time went on the feelings worsened. I would borrow items from my mom. At first she thought it was cute, then convenient when I would break in a new pair of shoes around the house. The feelings continued, yet I did not know how to express myself. I became aware that one could have a "sex change" around the age of 11. I saw a few articles in a tabloid paper. I was borrowing my mom's panties and when she was not home I wore all of her clothing. I hated male clothing. I got caught at school a few times wearing panties, etc. I was teased so badly. I often wished I was born either as a female or a male. I had a very poor image of myself as a boy. I did not want to be one, but I would bargain with myself if I did this or that, I would be a normal kid.

 

Around the time I was 13 I had bad gynecomastia and the torture/teasing intensified. My breast were big. One day I had to know what it was like wearing a bra to school and I put one on and thought I hid it by wearing a sweater and hunching my shoulders. No, that did not work out too well...More teasing/torture. My folks took me to a doctor who discussed hormone treatments or surgery with me and my folks. He was reluctant to use the hormones (female) at the time. I opted for the surgery thinking it would make me "normal". Within a few days, I regretted what I had done. Within a few weeks I was trying on my Mom's wedding dress and the magnitude hit me that I would never have breasts if I could have a "sex change" operation. I kept yearning. I kept trying on my mom's stuff.

 

I hated high school. I could not shake my feelings and I became dysphoric and detached. My school performance tanked badly. One event that should have made me pay attention more though occurred one day when I was in a French class. I was daydreaming that I was a high school girl. I imagined this one attractive guy kissing me, feeling me up, then mounting me. I swear I felt every millimeter or penetration, the penis slowly entering, and then the thrusting with my legs wrapped around him. I was softly moaning. All of a sudden I had an earth-shattering orgasm. Everybody looked at me My legs spasmed and trembled. I developed one huge stain on the front of my trousers. I was so embarrassed. The one summer I swiped enough of my mom's panties and other items and dressed as a female for the entire summer unless my mom or dad were home. I felt good, but I knew things would crash sooner or later. Then I got despondent and realized I could never transition. The costs were high. I used to sit and calculate to the dime what I thought the costs were including a new wardrobe. 

 

Then I got the bright idea that if I went into the Army I would prove myself as a guy and my desires would change. That did not work. I then got out and discovered healthcare. I wound up on an ambulance for a while, then went into nursing. I tried and tried to negotiate with myself that if I met the "right girl" everything would go okay, but it did not work. I even tried being married. Times would be okay for a while, but in my core, I did not want to be with a girl. I wanted to be the woman dating or being married to a guy. I could never admit it to anybody. I kept the lid on it for more years and more alcohol. I kept having the daydreams and the yearning, but I learned to hold my fantasies inside. I never involved another person in my saga. I did not feel it would be fair. I did not want to hurt another human being.

 

Over the past 15 years, I abused myself and let myself go. Then as I finished graduate school, I had run into several folks who had transitioned. I explored the possibilities again after 15 years of burying the thoughts. I made the decision to transition, and I could not be happier. I wish I had done this 40+ years ago. I absolutely adore the way estrogen and progesterone make me feel. I could not go back to who I was even if I were threatened. I finally have peace and I love myself for who I truly am.

 

Sometimes we just know we have a female soul and that is that!

-Katie

[Russ Fenrisson]

@JJ Orange Being myself is absolutely what I want too. I want to be who I am but the world just needs some time to catch up. Not everyone will agree with it, but coming out in your time will be rewarding in itself. In time, it will be just another natural thing in your daily routine.

 

@JandiSame. When I watched movies and television, I always wanted to be the person women admired. 😅 That cool, suave guy on screen. It's a bit lofty but I want to be someone who is admired for others. Not for my looks but just for who I am. It's a work in progress.

 

@Katie23 I'm glad you're where you want to be in your life. Things sometimes have to get tough before they can get better. I'm sorry you had to go through such things but I see it's made you a stronger person in the end. Thank you for sharing your story.