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Hi there new to this site and its my first time speaking about this, just feels much easier and safer behind a keyboard with strangers. Im 30 years old, names shawn, and seriously questioning myself latetly. Ever since i was younger i always loved the idea of becoming a girl, i would dream about it, fantasize about it and even tried on some of my sisters clothing a few times. I would have multiple dreams all the time where i was a girl and wake up every day as a male and be disappointed.

Ive been dealing with serious depression since i was 16, I've always been bullied by other boys throughout my school years and adult worklife, i grew to become very shy and not too social. New encounters and experiences gave me immense anxiety and i still get that to this day. I also usually felt out of place hanging with guys and just felt like i never fit in. In my 20’s i suppressed a lot of my feelings with alcohol, and ive stopped using it completely. Which has helped me get a grip on my life but im still not happy, i just hate how i look and feel like ive wasted my life so far.


I'm definitely questioning my gender today more then ever, i still always think about becoming a girl its always on my mind its just idk how anyone in my current life would take it, same with the people at my job. It scares me immensely and the thought of going through with it makes me happy but it just seems so scary to me. I dont even know where to start or who to talk to about this. I just want to be happy and finally be me. For anyone reading this thank you for taking the time to read my story. 

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  • Admin

Hello, Shawn, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  I think most of us have been where you are, in terms of anxiety, fear of the unknown, and doubts about the reaction of others in your life.  It really is natural, and your fears are reasonable considering how perilous the journey to another gender can be.


On the other hand, many of us here went ahead despite our fears and anxiety, and are living the lives we had only dreamed of.  I strongly suggest you seek out a gender therapist who can help you navigate the journey, explain all that is involved in gender change, and can (hopefully) provide practical advice.  They can also help you figure out if your feelings are real and what, if anything, to do about them.  Transition isn't for everyone, and every person is different.


We can also help with your questions and talk you through the process, although none of us here are therapists.  But we do come with a huge amount of experience.  Please look around the forums and ask all the questions you have.




Carolyn Marie

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Welcome Shawn

As Carolyn Marie pointed out there is a lot of experience here that can help you.


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  • Forum Moderator

Hello Shawn - can't say it any better than Carolyn and Jandi - TP is an oasis and a wonderful safe place to find support, truthful answers and know these people deeply care about you and your journey.

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Hey there Shawn,

Welcome to TransPulseForums, I hope you find this forum as helpful as I do.


Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,



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Hello there and welcome! 

I started seriously questioning my gender at the age of 29 and started publicly transitioning just before my 30th birthday (earlier this year). It’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made. Whether transition is right for you is ultimately your decision. So I hope that you find what you’re looking for and find some calm amidst the stress!

If you decide that transition is the right path there are lots of kind queer folk in this site with a lot of lives experience. Many LGBT centers have trans centered support groups that can be helpful for peer support. Most major cities have those kinds of agencies. 

As stated above, finding a gender therapist can be immensely helpful. A professional can guide you and help make safe decisions. I definitely recommend prioritizing finding a therapist if you can. 

On my journey I started experimenting with women's clothing very early on. I’ve used sites like threadup (basically an online thrift store) to experiment with styles and sizing. 

Before I met with a therapist I worked through ‘you and your gender identity: a guide to discovery’ a book by Dara Hoffman. It’s a series of exercises/prompts that helped me interrogate my feelings. While not a substitute for therapy, it definitely gave me some clarity in those early days. 

I think the best advice that I got at the start of my questioning was ‘you can just try things out to see how they feel’.  There’s a lot space for experimentation in the realm of your gender expression, and there really are no rules so long as you are being safe! 


Best of luck on your journey! 



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Thank you all for the kind words :) i want to definitely find a gender therapist and see whats best for me. Glad to have joined this site!

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