Need some advice and perspective

[Chole]

I have been very gender dysphoric over the past 2 months. I am unsure what sparked it this time. I have had dysphoric episodes, meaning I feel the need to feel feminine by wearing women’s clothes, many times. The last time I had a major episode like this was about 14 years ago where I dressed in women’s clothes and went out with a supporting friend. That lasted about 6 months. I was not passable and it felt akward. I wished I could have been passable but because I wasn't so I stopped. Before and after that, since a teenager it has always been on my mind on and off. Mostly it is because of my interactions with people, at work and in general, the feeling of wanting to be treated as female. 

Now this Dysphoric episode seems to be more demanding on me and has become a more of a 'have to' transition. I am married and even told my other half, she was not happy and wants a man not a woman. 
 
I know from research, if I start any later in life it could be more difficult for me. I'm in my early 40's.

I also have ADHD, mostly internalised, I betray, outwardly a very easy going accepting personality. I'm worried this is a result of ADHD and an over hyperactive mind and a very accepting personality rather than true gender dysphoria. I am also worried I've been groomed into trans issues as I have done a lot of research out of interest in trans and gender changing issues and also a general interest in psychology and human behaviour.

Does anyone here, early starters or middle age trans women that have started later, had issues with ADHD, being hyperactive, doing things on impulse etc? My behaviour with GD is not a resent impulse behaviour but I'm worried, because I was aroused by the whole changing gender thing since a teenager.
Has anyone had these experiences or similar? 

And did you transition, how did it feel going on hormones?

I have a high sex drive, reasonably attractive, born male. Attracted to women, but when I'm dysphoric like now, my sexuality goes from 10% towards men to like 50-60% attracted to men, mostly older type, strong men. 
It worries me, if I transition, I will have major conflict later when I'm settled as a woman and need true intimacy that I am just not sure I can have with a male, at least not yet. But can't say I wouldn't try. 

Have you had a high sexdrive and what was the implications of this later when you took HRT, especially when the HRT balanced you out and libido returned to a normal state?

Yesterday I though I had a revalation that this is me, when I secretly crossdressed at home, and it kind of scared me.

What are your thoughts? Thank you

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums.  ADD and ADHD are well known in the Tans community.  You are not alone, but one thing you do not mention here is the benefit of therapy for Gender Diversity.  Your first line of approach is to get a Therapist who is skilled in helping people work on their Gender Identity both for self inventory (which may be variable or even fluid) and then for establishing a plan of action with individual steps to take to assure yourself that Transition and other items such as HRT and surgeries are really what will make you the best YOU you can be. 

[Jackie C.]

8 hours ago, Chole said:

I know from research, if I start any later in life it could be more difficult for me. I'm in my early 40's.

I also have ADHD, mostly internalised, I betray, outwardly a very easy going accepting personality. I'm worried this is a result of ADHD and an over hyperactive mind and a very accepting personality rather than true gender dysphoria. I am also worried I've been groomed into trans issues as I have done a lot of research out of interest in trans and gender changing issues and also a general interest in psychology and human behaviour.

Does anyone here, early starters or middle age trans women that have started later, had issues with ADHD, being hyperactive, doing things on impulse etc? My behaviour with GD is not a resent impulse behaviour but I'm worried, because I was aroused by the whole changing gender thing since a teenager.
Has anyone had these experiences or similar? 

And did you transition, how did it feel going on hormones?

I have a high sex drive, reasonably attractive, born male. Attracted to women, but when I'm dysphoric like now, my sexuality goes from 10% towards men to like 50-60% attracted to men, mostly older type, strong men. 
It worries me, if I transition, I will have major conflict later when I'm settled as a woman and need true intimacy that I am just not sure I can have with a male, at least not yet. But can't say I wouldn't try. 

Have you had a high sexdrive and what was the implications of this later when you took HRT, especially when the HRT balanced you out and libido returned to a normal state?

Yesterday I though I had a revalation that this is me, when I secretly crossdressed at home, and it kind of scared me.

What are your thoughts? Thank you

 

Salutations!

 

So first off, "What @VickySGV said." This journey is highly personal and a gender therapist can help you through it.

 

Let's see... I started at 48. I'm mildly autistic and have C-PTSD which has a lot of similar symptoms. I'd remind you though that gender euphoria is more important than the dysphoria. Did you know that cis people feel gender euphoria all the time? They're just used to it and consider it part of their lives. That idea pretty much blew my mind. I'll also say that a certain amount of arousal is pretty normal in the beginning. The whole dressing thing feels exciting and... people with a penis can have a reaction to that.

Love hormones. Your mileage may vary, but I can focus better without the mental static I had pre-transition.

Sex drive dropped considerably. I went from "now" to "a couple of times a week." Best thing about hormones in my opinion is that the spontaneous erections went away. Mileage may vary though. Some girls feel the same or higher sex drive on HRT than they did before. I have a friend who thought she was ace until she went on HRT. It turns out that she was just too dysphoric to want sex.

Most of my friend group are lesbians. Just putting that out there. Some of the bi (or pan ones) are also polysexual. Build whatever family you like to make yourself happy. This entire process is about allowing yourself to be happy.

 

Hugs!

[Chole]

Hi, thankyou so much Jackie and Vicky for your knowledge and information

[Samuel William]

On 7/21/2022 at 11:35 PM, Jackie C. said:

Did you know that cis people feel gender euphoria all the time? They're just used to it and consider it part of their lives. That idea pretty much blew my mind.

Wow…..I never thought of it that way 😳 That’s….that’s….you’re right, that’s mind blowing. I’m thinking now of the moments I have when everything feels right (still closeted, still pre-everything, so it’s literally just moments right now), and I can’t even get my head around feeling that way all the time. That’s also a little depressing, because it means I’ve spent literal decades with a weight on my mind that the cis folks around me have never had to carry.

 

Sam