Don't know if I'm intersex

[wonderingwandering]

I'm sorry, I'm very new to forums, so I'm not sure how to make posts, but this has been bothering me much longer than I'd care to admit...

 

My whole life I've been "different". Autistic, sure. But even though everyone tended to call me a girl, legally, and I looked *mostly* like a cis gender girl, I always received comments to the contrary. Like you're so masculine, you must be a guy. You have to be a man. Some comments that were sexual harassment, now that I think about it. The doctors I've had have remarked that I have extremely abnormally high testosterone for a cisgender girl. I started my period extremely early and extremely painfully, I'm taller than average (the doctor's projection was even taller than I am now, ~6'1, but due to mental and physical health factors my growth was stunted) and I look... wrong. I don't look right and I never have. I can't explain it very well, I'm just much broader in places cis women don't tend to be (though I know there's lots of variation). My parents used to "joke" a lot more than now (now that I'm openly nonbinary due to dealing with this) about how I have never been a girl, they had "one of each" - a girl, a boy, and a [me]. I've never ever ever felt feminine or though I've been allowed to have a relationship with femininity, even though I prefer masculinity and see myself much more in male characters and healthy depictions of masculinity. I want to be seen as a masculine woman, but both seem to evade me. I'm always some weird in-between. 

 

Of course, again, I'm autistic. I'm aware my behavior has always been outside of the typical gender binary. I have a very bad memory, wiping out the majority of my childhood. I also experience psychosis, where I have only partial insight about the fact that I experience things differently than others anyway. But this experience has shaped me in a very bad way, I think, where I prefer referring to myself as cisgender nonbinary due to how I've grown up and how I've been treated while I've been growing up. But... I don't Know. I know being intersex is the result of genetics and/or multiple medical conditions, I've done so much research on the topic, about intersex experiences, but I also know it's a person-to-person thing, and I don't know if I qualify. I don't know what I could be otherwise! Finding and thinking about identifying with the label felt really freeing. But I don't know if it's truly my label to use. 

 

Also, there may be other things I am missing. I'm sure this is not a full list of my experiences but, again, I am autistic with a very bad memory and partially damaged insight. I may be missing things from my life I either have never seen as odd or simply don't remember. This is just what I remember right now. 

 

I hope this is the right place to ask. 

[tracy_j]

Hi, welcome to the forum.

 

Thank you for your introduction . Although I have no real experience of intersex conditions and people I do note that they are usually more related to physical things rather than thoughts and feelings. You will probably know all that so I can suggest is that thorough clinical / medical checks would settle your mind a bit. Please correct me if I'm wrong but an hormone imbalance or difference is a little different. Hormones are very powerful and small changes can make quite a difference but these changes can vary in effect between different people. Here again it would take a qualified and experienced doctor to give a better explanation as I have no qualifications.

 

Other than the above, what I suggest you do is read around here to get a feel of other people's experiences. Everyone is different but I am sure you will come across similar thoughts and feelings. Yes this is a right place to ask. Please don't hesitate to join in as discussing things may well bring answers from others with some experience.

 

Tracy

[Ivy]

Welcome.

I don't really have much to add to what Tracy has said.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Welcome.  I recently figured out that I'm intersex.  Technically born female, but it never really fit me.  I finally had to go to a doctor to figure out what was really going on.  Being inbetween can feel so awkward at times.  And when parents "joke" about your identity, it really hurts.