Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Reflections on my childhood as it relates to being transmasc


frog-77

Recommended Posts

so I've been reflecting on my childhood and teen years and figuring out all the signs that pointed to me being transmasc and uhhhhhh there's a LOT of hints

 

- when I was a kid (about 3 or 4) I tried to pee standing up, made a mess of it. my mom got mad at me and asked why i'd do that. I said I just wanted to pee like a boy

- always hated wearing dresses even from a young age

- generally tomboyish, little interest in dolls, more interested in trains and video games

- at around 10-11 when my chest started growing, I got in the habit of sleeping on my stomach in hopes that putting pressure on my chest would keep boobs from growing

- also had a phase where I convinced myself that boobs were just fat and I could get rid of them by exercising

- refused to wear a bra until the age of 13 when my mom practically forced me to

- on that note, I've never worn anything besides sports bras. 'real' ones just feel wrong

- never remotely interested in makeup

- didn't shave my legs until 14 cause I was scared of running tiny blades over my skin. didn't see any advantage to doing something that scary just to perform femininity

- had a breakdown when I got my first period because in the eyes of our -toasted- up society, getting my period meant I was 'a true woman' and the thought of that was absolutely paralyzing

- period dysphoria in general even as an adult. not even the blood part. i can handle the blood. it makes me feel tough. but like... the boobs... the back pain... the hormones...

 

other things, that verge on NSFW, continue at own discretion

-

-

-

-

-

-

- was in a relationship with an AMAB, was so so so jealous of their dick.

- i have dreams where I'll have a dick and it will feel so REAL

- these are strange cause I don't particularly have a lot of bottom dysphoria?

 

there's probably more things but I'm tired...

 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
9 hours ago, frog-77 said:

- also had a phase where I convinced myself that boobs were just fat and I could get rid of them by exercising

 

I mean this one kinda works. If you're heavy into bodybuilding, odds are that you've got next to no boobs. Mom always jokes that she looks like a guy when she takes off her bra now. She was a D-cup in High School.

It requires a pretty intense gym-habit to do, but my workout is hard on on my breasts.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

I've dealt with problems like that before @frog-77. I also was under the belief that if I pushed in my stuff enough and laid on top of them enough, they would eventually recede. Man was I wrong... 

 

To this day, the discomfort I feel regarding monthlies is unbearable. The pain I can handle but it's just the fact of having them from month to month that causes me distress. What I've done to counteract this is by exercise, but lighter exercise than I would normally do before working back to my normal levels by the end of the 5-7 days. It's not a guarantee, but just the act of stretching and a little movement is enough to alleviate pain in my lower back and thighs. You should try it! Even though it feels like you should be laid up in bed all day until the cramps go away, a little bit of exercise during that time could help to ease any pain you feel and lessen the stress you feel during that time.

 

And it's totally normal not to feel bottom dysphoria- everyone's dysphoria happens in different ways. Whether you really want that organ or not is up to you. Transition as far as you want and what feels important to you.

 

@Jackie C.It does take time but there will be gradual reduction of fat in the chest. Consistency is the key. I've seen your work-out routine you described in a different thread. It sounds pretty intense but worth it in the end! I applaud you for such an awesome routine.

Link to comment

I definitely identify with some of that stuff.  I always hated bras, never wore them.  My mother would lecture me constantly about how a proper girl had to wear a bra.  Irritating!  My breasts never happened at all, so I made myself believe for years that my aversion was just due to impracticality.  Body hair...I never felt inclined to remove it, so I didn't.  I had family lecture me about it and friends make the occasional joke, but I never shaved legs, armpits, or anything else.  I didn't have thick hair, so it wasn't really an issue

 

Other aspects of my life, well I just chalked those up to being a lesbian.  Or so I thought. 

 

My gender discomfort really happened once I got married.  I tried getting pregnant, and it didn't work.  After a while I realized that a lot of my discomfort with my husband was "bottom dysphoria."  Never used that term until now, as having simple language I just call it "wrong parts."  Whenever I was with my husband, I had the intense feeling that I'm supposed to be a boy, and a desire to be handled in that way.  Just starting to get into being my real self the last few months. 

Link to comment

Good morning, everyone! 
I think one thing that truly made me realize that I was trans was how young me saw future me. No matter what the situation was, I always saw my older self as a man. My parents would say to me "have kids" and I would always be the dad. I sort of assumed everyone imagined themselves as the male-figure in the family. When I was in high school I told my friend, who is an ally, and she said "Hey JJ maybe you should look into some trans information, maybe it'll explain how you feel" and I did but had just came out as trans a couple months ago. 

 

I also always wanted to get top surgery, have a flat chest and that kind of thing. There are a lot of things that did not click until now and I feel that it makes sense now that I came out. That is, I came out to close people in my family. 

 

My parents also allowed me to watch too many action movies when I was young, so when I started to idolize, for example, The Terminator and not Sarah Conner they kind of went "Hold up!" 
The masculine, strong aspect of action movies (Predator, Rambo, etc.) always appealed to me because I always wanted to be like those heroes. 

Link to comment

@JJ OrangeThat's really interesting. Sometimes you can get caught up in those action movies and feel you can do the stuff in there too. When I was young, I also identified with the males in books, shows, and movies. I just couldn't identify with the females for some reason unless they were struggling with a certain issue.

 

You know, it's funny you bring that up about family. When I was very young and used to watch cartoons, I thought my future would be similar to those in the shows: working at a 9-5 office job, married with 2.5 children and a cat or dog. The typical nuclear family. And when I saw myself, I was never the housewife- I was usually the husband wearing a suit, carrying a suitcase, and smoking a pipe!😂 It was always funny to me and I never thought it strange.

Link to comment

@JJ Orange Yeah, for some reason those dads in older shows and movies would kick back by the fireplace and smoke a pipe or cigar before bed or dinner. I thought I would do the same one day, but I never did- I personally choose not to drink or smoke. Regardless, for some reason, I looked up to those kinds of guys.

 

Not sure if that fantasy will ever become a reality but there's always animals ready to be adopted.

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Russ Fenrisson said:

You know, it's funny you bring that up about family. When I was very young and used to watch cartoons, I thought my future would be similar to those in the shows: working at a 9-5 office job, married with 2.5 children and a cat or dog. The typical nuclear family. And when I saw myself, I was never the housewife- I was usually the husband wearing a suit, carrying a suitcase, and smoking a pipe!😂 It was always funny to me and I never thought it strange.

I was never able to envision myself that way.  But I watched those kinds of shows and I always had the thought in the back of my mind that the "wife" in those situations could never be me.  As much as I wanted to fit in the role I was expected to take on, even from an early age I knew it wasn't going to turn out like that.  Other girls would envision their future wedding (even in elementary school), and I could never really participate in those conversations.  It just felt alien.  I explained it away in those early years by just saying I wasn't going to get married and my sister and I were going to live together as best friends forever.  Interestingly, that last part has happened 😄 We still live under the same roof, and probably will for the rest of our lives. 

Link to comment

@awkward-yet-sweetInteresting how conversations like that would start so early. I don't think I ever thought of marriage as something I would seriously do- it just never felt like a big deal. When I meet the right person, we might marry, but if we choose not to, I was thinking we would have our own private ceremony, just the two of us, acknowledging our bond together. Marriage is fine and all but my conception of it has soured over the years for various reasons.

 

Awesome that you were able to build such a bond with your sister! It must be really nice. Close family ties, if nothing at all, are the most meaningful.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 187 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • Willow
    • awkward-yet-sweet
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
    • VickySGV
      You have given you and us a big clue right there.  I hope you have shared this observation with your Endocrinologist and are willing to take their advice about changing that behavior.    Non prescribed herbal or animal supplements can have a negative effect on your body's use of your available hormones.  Also, your genetics are going to be controlling what your body is going to do with your hormones, and again, that is for you to consult with your Endocrinologists.  On this site none of us are licensed medical personnel and we cannot give you advice on your health more than what your doctor can.  We have rules that we enforce against our members advising about "Folk Remedies" because we have had members who have gone that route and badly damaged their health and quality of life.  Only thing I can go anywhere on, is that maybe if you change your expectations of what should happen, you will at least not be in danger of harming yourself from anxiety.
    • Timi
      Hi @violet r!    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.    -Timi    
    • marysssia
      Hi lovely people,   I'm a 25 yo MtF woman, and I've been suffering from low estrogen issues since October 2023. I completely lost my feminine libido, my breast completely stopped growing, my estrogen levels dropped by a lot (despite NOT decreasing my E dosage) and thus my dysphoria drastically increased. I think it is worth mentioning that, for my health issues, I had been taking ----- Lamotrigine for months & had been on ketogenic diet, and these things seem to be a culprit of my current issue. I weaned off Lamotrigine some time ago and gave up on keto diet, but it still doesn't seem to help. My estrogen is still low (44 ng/ml) and my libido hasn't come back yet. In general, I struggle with my dysphoria so much because of that and, to be honest, I don't know what to do. I've tried so many dietary supplements, yet I didn't get any effects from them. My endocrinologist didn't know how to help me. She only suggested to increase my daily estrogen dose (to 3x per day ------sublingual estrogen tablets and 3x per day ------ estrogen gel applied to armpits or thighs), which I did, without any effect.   Please, help me. Prior to keto diet & Lamotrigine treatment, I'd never had experience like that. I'm basically helpless and have no clue what to do. Having to deal with low estrogen is a horrible experience to me and it affects my life severely.   BTW, my T levels are always within female range.   Do you have any clue what exactly I should do?
    • April Marie
      I love wearing a jeans skirt!! That looks like airport carpet. Safe travels if you're flying!!
    • Maddee
      Flight faraway forthcoming Fabulous forum friends 😊😊🎸🦂
    • Maddee
    • KathyLauren
      One of our cats is polydactyl.  He has 7 toes on each front paw and 5 on each back paw, for 24 toes total.   Another one, an ex-feral who, at the time, was free to roam, climbed 50 feet up a tree without having any thought about how he was going to get down.  His pal climed down backwards, but he couldn't.  He ended up coming down by leaping from branch to branch.  Which nearly gave us heart attacks, because he only has one eye and therefore has no depth perception.   The other ex-feral (both are now indoor cats) obviously does not have those soft pads on his feet.  At night, when we are in bed, we can hear him stomping around the house.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...