Reflections on my childhood as it relates to being transmasc

[frog-77]

so I've been reflecting on my childhood and teen years and figuring out all the signs that pointed to me being transmasc and uhhhhhh there's a LOT of hints

 

- when I was a kid (about 3 or 4) I tried to pee standing up, made a mess of it. my mom got mad at me and asked why i'd do that. I said I just wanted to pee like a boy

- always hated wearing dresses even from a young age

- generally tomboyish, little interest in dolls, more interested in trains and video games

- at around 10-11 when my chest started growing, I got in the habit of sleeping on my stomach in hopes that putting pressure on my chest would keep boobs from growing

- also had a phase where I convinced myself that boobs were just fat and I could get rid of them by exercising

- refused to wear a bra until the age of 13 when my mom practically forced me to

- on that note, I've never worn anything besides sports bras. 'real' ones just feel wrong

- never remotely interested in makeup

- didn't shave my legs until 14 cause I was scared of running tiny blades over my skin. didn't see any advantage to doing something that scary just to perform femininity

- had a breakdown when I got my first period because in the eyes of our -toasted- up society, getting my period meant I was 'a true woman' and the thought of that was absolutely paralyzing

- period dysphoria in general even as an adult. not even the blood part. i can handle the blood. it makes me feel tough. but like... the boobs... the back pain... the hormones...

 

other things, that verge on NSFW, continue at own discretion

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- was in a relationship with an AMAB, was so so so jealous of their dick.

- i have dreams where I'll have a dick and it will feel so REAL

- these are strange cause I don't particularly have a lot of bottom dysphoria?

 

there's probably more things but I'm tired...

 

 

[Jackie C.]

9 hours ago, frog-77 said:

- also had a phase where I convinced myself that boobs were just fat and I could get rid of them by exercising

 

I mean this one kinda works. If you're heavy into bodybuilding, odds are that you've got next to no boobs. Mom always jokes that she looks like a guy when she takes off her bra now. She was a D-cup in High School.

It requires a pretty intense gym-habit to do, but my workout is hard on on my breasts.

 

Hugs!

[Russ Fenrisson]

I've dealt with problems like that before @frog-77. I also was under the belief that if I pushed in my stuff enough and laid on top of them enough, they would eventually recede. Man was I wrong... 

 

To this day, the discomfort I feel regarding monthlies is unbearable. The pain I can handle but it's just the fact of having them from month to month that causes me distress. What I've done to counteract this is by exercise, but lighter exercise than I would normally do before working back to my normal levels by the end of the 5-7 days. It's not a guarantee, but just the act of stretching and a little movement is enough to alleviate pain in my lower back and thighs. You should try it! Even though it feels like you should be laid up in bed all day until the cramps go away, a little bit of exercise during that time could help to ease any pain you feel and lessen the stress you feel during that time.

 

And it's totally normal not to feel bottom dysphoria- everyone's dysphoria happens in different ways. Whether you really want that organ or not is up to you. Transition as far as you want and what feels important to you.

 

@Jackie C.It does take time but there will be gradual reduction of fat in the chest. Consistency is the key. I've seen your work-out routine you described in a different thread. It sounds pretty intense but worth it in the end! I applaud you for such an awesome routine.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I definitely identify with some of that stuff.  I always hated bras, never wore them.  My mother would lecture me constantly about how a proper girl had to wear a bra.  Irritating!  My breasts never happened at all, so I made myself believe for years that my aversion was just due to impracticality.  Body hair...I never felt inclined to remove it, so I didn't.  I had family lecture me about it and friends make the occasional joke, but I never shaved legs, armpits, or anything else.  I didn't have thick hair, so it wasn't really an issue

 

Other aspects of my life, well I just chalked those up to being a lesbian.  Or so I thought. 

 

My gender discomfort really happened once I got married.  I tried getting pregnant, and it didn't work.  After a while I realized that a lot of my discomfort with my husband was "bottom dysphoria."  Never used that term until now, as having simple language I just call it "wrong parts."  Whenever I was with my husband, I had the intense feeling that I'm supposed to be a boy, and a desire to be handled in that way.  Just starting to get into being my real self the last few months. 

[JJ Orange]

Good morning, everyone! 
I think one thing that truly made me realize that I was trans was how young me saw future me. No matter what the situation was, I always saw my older self as a man. My parents would say to me "have kids" and I would always be the dad. I sort of assumed everyone imagined themselves as the male-figure in the family. When I was in high school I told my friend, who is an ally, and she said "Hey JJ maybe you should look into some trans information, maybe it'll explain how you feel" and I did but had just came out as trans a couple months ago. 

 

I also always wanted to get top surgery, have a flat chest and that kind of thing. There are a lot of things that did not click until now and I feel that it makes sense now that I came out. That is, I came out to close people in my family. 

 

My parents also allowed me to watch too many action movies when I was young, so when I started to idolize, for example, The Terminator and not Sarah Conner they kind of went "Hold up!" 
The masculine, strong aspect of action movies (Predator, Rambo, etc.) always appealed to me because I always wanted to be like those heroes. 

[Russ Fenrisson]

@JJ OrangeThat's really interesting. Sometimes you can get caught up in those action movies and feel you can do the stuff in there too. When I was young, I also identified with the males in books, shows, and movies. I just couldn't identify with the females for some reason unless they were struggling with a certain issue.

 

You know, it's funny you bring that up about family. When I was very young and used to watch cartoons, I thought my future would be similar to those in the shows: working at a 9-5 office job, married with 2.5 children and a cat or dog. The typical nuclear family. And when I saw myself, I was never the housewife- I was usually the husband wearing a suit, carrying a suitcase, and smoking a pipe!😂 It was always funny to me and I never thought it strange.

[JJ Orange]

@Russ Fenrisson I am so happy I wasn't the only one who thought like this! Omg, the dad thing with the pipe! I thought of something similar but it was more of those cigars that you'd see in older movies. 

[Russ Fenrisson]

@JJ Orange Yeah, for some reason those dads in older shows and movies would kick back by the fireplace and smoke a pipe or cigar before bed or dinner. I thought I would do the same one day, but I never did- I personally choose not to drink or smoke. Regardless, for some reason, I looked up to those kinds of guys.

 

Not sure if that fantasy will ever become a reality but there's always animals ready to be adopted.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

2 hours ago, Russ Fenrisson said:

You know, it's funny you bring that up about family. When I was very young and used to watch cartoons, I thought my future would be similar to those in the shows: working at a 9-5 office job, married with 2.5 children and a cat or dog. The typical nuclear family. And when I saw myself, I was never the housewife- I was usually the husband wearing a suit, carrying a suitcase, and smoking a pipe!😂 It was always funny to me and I never thought it strange.

I was never able to envision myself that way.  But I watched those kinds of shows and I always had the thought in the back of my mind that the "wife" in those situations could never be me.  As much as I wanted to fit in the role I was expected to take on, even from an early age I knew it wasn't going to turn out like that.  Other girls would envision their future wedding (even in elementary school), and I could never really participate in those conversations.  It just felt alien.  I explained it away in those early years by just saying I wasn't going to get married and my sister and I were going to live together as best friends forever.  Interestingly, that last part has happened 😄 We still live under the same roof, and probably will for the rest of our lives. 

[Russ Fenrisson]

@awkward-yet-sweetInteresting how conversations like that would start so early. I don't think I ever thought of marriage as something I would seriously do- it just never felt like a big deal. When I meet the right person, we might marry, but if we choose not to, I was thinking we would have our own private ceremony, just the two of us, acknowledging our bond together. Marriage is fine and all but my conception of it has soured over the years for various reasons.

 

Awesome that you were able to build such a bond with your sister! It must be really nice. Close family ties, if nothing at all, are the most meaningful.