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No idea about my identity


Blackberry015

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I just kind of want to vent here since I don't know where else to put it.

 

I'm 20, AFAB. For a couple of months now I've kept consciously thinking about wanting to be a guy, admiring the way guys look and being jealous of them etc. I sort of just brushed it off as a phase, or thought I must have internalised misogyny and I hate being a woman because of the way society can look at them, but MtF before and after videos ended up showing up on my YouTube page and after watching a few, I sort of just had an overwhelming feeling of 'I want to be like this too'. But, I keep having doubts about my identity. I never thought I'd use the label 'trans' since I'm not uncomfortable in my current body. I used to feel a bit of a disconnect towards it, but that passed and I have no feelings either way about it. Apart from some standard 'I don't like how fat my legs are and I wish my ass was flatter' jazz, I've never hated the feminine parts of my body, never hated my chest, etc, so I thought I couldn't possibly be trans as other people have it much worse than I do. On top of that, I can't recall there ever being any signs of me possibly being trans when I was younger (I only started thinking about being a guy when I was around 17).

 

I've seen some people say that thinking 'if I could push a button and be the opposite gender, I would' isn't something a cis person would think, and that's pretty much how I feel right now. The thought of going through HRT, looking more like a guy, wearing guys clothing or getting top surgery so I could be shirtless all make me feel kind of excited. I feel like if I lived in a country where I could access HRT and support (currently the closest gender clinic to me has a waiting list of 49 months and I can't currently afford private healthcare, being a uni student) and if my parents were supportive of trans people, I'd transition. My dad is very right-wing and has used slurs against trans people before (though, he's only used them against MtF people who seem to be more prominent in the community from what I've seen (?) and I'm just assuming he feels the same towards trans men) and my mum has said she 'understands' the way trans people are, but I think she still views them as 'weird'. Both of them were incredibly dismissive to me when I came out about my sexuality (my mum later said she felt bad about how she handled it however), so I could only imagine how they'd handle me saying I want to be a guy. I'm afraid that if I say I might be trans, my parents might abandon me or forever view me as strange, and since I'm very socially anxious and have only a few friends, I absolutely do not want to lose them. I feel like prioritising that instead of being who I want to be makes me fake or something, especially when a lot of trans people I've seen have had to cut off their families because they can't keep living as someone they're not.

 

Anyway, sorry if this is too long, I've been thinking about these things for a while, haha. I just want to know whether anyone can relate, and I know obviously no one can discern my identity but me in the end, so I'd just like some advice going forward. I'm getting my hair cut short soon and I'm planning on buying more male clothes and working out when I get back to uni and away from my parents so I can explore my gender more. I'll also get in touch with my university's LGBT programme and see if they can talk to me or point me to someone to talk to, since I have no idea where to go lol. Do these seem like good steps?

 

Thanks for reading my long-ass vent, any replies would be very much appreciated ❤️

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  • Forum Moderator

I mean... not all trans people are weird. I'm weird, but it's not because I'm trans. Of course your dad might not realize that trans men are a thing. I've been point-blank asked if people "transition the other way." Not helped by the fact that after about a year of HRT, you can't tell the difference between a trans man and a cis man if they're both wearing pants.

 

Hey sweetie! Yeah, I can relate. I never really had bottom dysphoria. My euphoria since I got that little problem fixed is pretty great, but I didn't have a lot of hate.

 

Welcome to the site! We're happy you're here!

 

Hugs!

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Hi, @Blackberry015.  Welcome!

 

I totally get how you feel.  I'm MTF, but I felt the same way from the other side for most of my life.  I didn't "know" from a very young age.  I didn't feel strong body dysphoria.  So I bought into the popular mythology that those were requirements, and assumed that therefore I wasn't trans.  I put off doing anything about it until I was in my 60s, if you can believe it!  And now, here I am, fully transitioned and much happier.

 

I am not saying you are or aren't trans.  That is for you to decide.  But don't dismiss the possibility just because you don't fit into a media-generated stereotype.  Our kind of slowly-simmering dysphoria is much more common.

 

I would urge you to talk to a gender therapist when you can.  If nothing else, get your name on that 49-month waiting list.  Four years may seem like an eternity, but it beats waiting 40 years like I did.  A therapist can help you sort out your feelings, wants, and needs, and help you plan for the future.

 

Regards,

Kathy

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Welcome Blackberry.

 

10 hours ago, Blackberry015 said:

(though, he's only used them against MtF people who seem to be more prominent in the community from what I've seen (?)

I think many people feel more threatened by MtF folks.  It can be seen as an attack on the patriarchal social order.  There are plenty of FtM people as well.

 

Take your time to explore yourself for your own-self.

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