More confused than ever

[Jaheira]

I was born 27 years ago as a male and at the age of three my parents split up. With my dad being married to his job, it was mostly just my mother, sister, and I. Throughout life my mother would include me in the stuff her and my sister was doing so I didn’t feel left out. That includes dressing up, make up and nail painting, and doing up our hair (which I loved). When I started hitting puberty I started having thoughts about what kind of girl I would be and how pretty I could be whenever I looked myself in the mirror, especially when I had long hair. I always played as the girl characters in video games (bit of an addict as a result of the divorce trauma). I always found myself gossiping with the girls at school rather than kickin it with the guys. Fast forward to now, I’m 27, with 3 kids and an amazing wife. She has always known herself to be pansexual. I had no idea what that was because the lgbtq+ community was never really talked about in my families. I decided to do some research on the community and educate myself so I could be supportive of my wife. During my self learning I started discovering things about myself that made sense and not at the same time. I’m not exactly sure who I am any more. I am a man, but I also feel like I could be a woman. Everything in my head turned into a jigsaw puzzle and I’m struggling to fit the pieces together. It’s been really hard. I told my wife almost right away about what I was feeling and was met with support. I knew I had nothing to worry about with her as we have a very strong bond. The amount of confusion and not knowing who I am is really hard though and sends me into tears anytime I think about it. It’s only been about a month since all this happened and the feelings have only been gettin stronger. I’ve been seeing myself more and more feminine since then as well. I could see myself with breasts as well and makes me kinda happy to think about. I had thoughts about going to the store to look at and possibly buy some female clothing today but my anxiety, nervousness, and shame stopped that. My wife and I do have plans to do shopping together to help me feel better and help me find something I might be able to fit into. I think I might be bi-gender but I’m not sure as all of this is still super super new to me. I hope this post is not all over the place, I’m sure this isn’t everything I’m feeling but this is just what I can think of in this moment with my jumbled thoughts. Thank you for taking the time to read a little passage of my life.

 

[Jackie C.]

10 hours ago, Jaheira said:

My wife and I do have plans to do shopping together to help me feel better and help me find something I might be able to fit into.

 

That's actually one of the first things I did: I bought myself an outfit and some breast forms and just stayed dressed to see how I felt living as a woman.

 

I haven't looked back. It was amazing. Gender euphoria is just as big, or bigger than dysphoria. If it works out for you, see about a gender therapist. They'll help you to figure out what you need to do going forward. It sounds like you have a great support system already in place, but I still wish you the absolute best of luck!

 

Hugs!

[KathyLauren]

Hi, @Jaheira.  Welcome!

 

I think many of you can identify with the confusion you are feeling.  I don't recommend doing what I did: I lived with the confusion until I was in my 60s.  What I would recommend is seeking out a gender therapist.  They will be able to help you sort out the confusion and decide what you want to do about who you are.

 

If there is an LGBTQ+ organization near where you live, they will likely be able to give you a list of suitable therapists.  Or you can google "WPATH therapist" and the name of your city.  (WPATH is the World Professional Association for Transgender Health.  They certify therapists as having the necessary training to help people like us.)

 

I am happy for you that your wife is supportive.  That makes a huge difference.  My wife took me shopping for clothes and is still my principal fashion consultant.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Jaheira]

Thank you very much for the kind words. I most certainly will look into talking to a therapist in the near future. I have also looked into the breast forms and maybe something for my hips and butt as I’m very flat.

My wife has been the best. Any struggles have been on my end and struggling to talk with her about the things I want. It’s been hard but I push through it for her because she’s always been the most understanding in my life. I’m very lucky to have her in my life. 
 

Bought myself a hairbrush today for my long hair instead of using hers. Something about having my own brush just made me happy.