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FtM or bigender/genderfluid? Need to figure out who I am


Paul Palmer

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Hello,

I feel like am a transgender gay man in woman body, but I am very unsure I will ever come to the decision of taking therapy and complete transition - my body is quite androgynous and I am comfortable with it. I am new to LGBT community partially because of that, I never had an urge to be phisically a man and for a long time I was staying undercover for myself, looking completely heterosexual (a weird girl attracted to men). Things turned out to be more complicated. As a teenager I was very afraid of puberty and girl-type changes that I was expected, but it didn't hit me as hard as I thought, so now in my 26 I have a bit masculine female body and there are only two major reasons why I experience dysphoria - my hips that are wider than I'd like them to be and my jawbone. See pic to have an image of what I look like. I'd be pretty happy with my appearance if my face and legs were the most skinny parts of my body.

In that same period of time (12-14 y.o.) I developed a man subpersonality and called myself Paul. At the time I was ashamed of talking about myself with feminine pronouns and words, but I was only talking on behalf of my man self in internet with friends, and I had a few blogs about imaginary Paul's life. I wasn't interested in romantic relationship before I turned 21, so I didn't know that my subpersonality was gay, but I had sexual fantasies of being a top (active) partner in a gay couple or a man in heterosexual couple, the opposite role scared me.

I was in relationship only once and it was such a traumatic experience that some therapists gave up on me because they wasn't able to stand my mental state. As I understand now, my boyfriend was far from perfect but not that much, it was just bottom/girl role that traumatized me. I am talking mostly about sexual relationship, but I also had a feeling that in woman role I cannot be myself. I.e., I was going to gym at the time, which, I guess, boosted my testosteron levels and I liked the changes, I was looking more masculine instead of becoming a bulky girl. And at the same time I looked at the mirror and thought "it's not what my boyfriend would like me to be".

My next crush turned out to be gay. I analized all of my sympathies that I had in my life and realized that I actually have a gaydar, so I am only attracted to gay guys without even knowing it (some of them discovered themselves later). After years of trying to appear as a woman and get used to this social/sexual role I imagined myself as a gay man again and - gosh, I got so aroused, I've never had anything like this before. I was subconsciously avoided search for a partner because in case someone likes me back I would have to brave sex with this person, that felt like a firewall. But if I imagine myself in top role, there're no walls at all. 

And there's a problem, because I know how to spot submissive gays by their eyes, but why they would need me, an androgynous woman, but still a woman?

Transition is a solution for a problem, but is a big issue itself, and I don't feel an urge to have a male body. Relationships are the only problem that can be solved with transition, all of the other aspects of my life are fine and I can play myself as an odd freak, woman in man's clothes, that's absolutely fine. Since I released my inner man back again, I feel like I don't belong to men or women anymore, I don't compare myself to anyone, my self-esteem and self-confidence raised. I changed my wardrobe a bit, no more tries to wear something girly and uncomfortable. But I use woman pronouns without a problem and in daily life I don't care much about how others see me. 

So I am not sure who I am, a bi-gender? Or am I a transman who developed a woman social role because I was unaware of my true self for a very long time? My story looks like gernder-fluid, because for a certain period of time I gave up on my man role completely (or at least I thought so), but it wasn't completely my free will, it was a nesessity to be in relationship with heterosexual guy.

I need to know exactly before taking any steps like therapy or transition, maybe I don't need any steps at all.

Relationships and family is not on my to-do list for self-realization, but it is an important thing, I really want a partner and the situation makes me sad, though I am happy that I finally know what is going on with me.

photo_2022-09-11_10-47-31.jpg

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Hi @Paul Palmer . I relate so much to what you shared. I am 47 years old at the moment. When I was in my 20s, I had practically zero insight into my gender and sexuality. I also seemed like a "weird girl attracted to men" as you put it. Back then, I was wearing almost exclusively men's attire and keeping my hair short. And apparently straight guys aren't really into that. I would wind up in quasi-romantic relationships with women in a gentlemanly role. That confused me. I had a gay boy bff and we'd sleep and snuggle together and "pretend" to have sex (with clothes on) in a humorous way. With straight guys, I was perpetually in the friend-zone, and the one straight boyfriend I had in my 20s was a psycho who I wound up having to get a restraining order against. At 23, I determined the "solution" for me would be to go all out femme thinking that practice would make perfect, and that I'd finally make sense in the world. I kept that up for about 20 years! But, it ALWAYS felt like a performance. I married a...hmm...I'd say heteroflexible cisman in 2015 while still in femme mode. But, we'd known each other many years ago - when we first met in the mid-90s, I had a shaved head and wore a combination of men's attire and some occasional flashy women's pieces. I began a process of coming out about 4 years ago. It was very rough at times on our marriage. But, my husband has become very accepting, and now calls me "dude" and "bro" affectionately. I am now allowing myself to express more genuinely as who I am and its a miracle - I never thought I'd feel as free. I have said out loud on several occasions that I feel like a gay man in a woman's body. My husband is aware of this. I have come to identify as asexual. I sometimes wonder, though, if I'd ID as ace if I had a man's body. I feel most at home with my gay bfs,and I wish they'd see me as one of them. One of my gay bfs and I have confessed that we have romantic feelings for each other, and we imagine we were lovers in a past life and that I was a top. Ironically, he does not seem to accept my trans identity even though we've had several intense conversations about it. For example, he saw me standing with some women yesterday, and addressed us all as "ladies". I find it truly distasteful to be called lady, ma'am, miss, etc. So, past lives or not, I wonder if he has those feelings for me because he's attracted to the gay man aspect of me in this present life. I ID as nonbinary because transitioning to male doesn't resonate with me, despite my male feelings. I'm trying to accept what I got to work with. My body is rather feminine - like Scarlett Johansson proportions. I try to keep as slim and fit as I can manage not just because it's important to me to feel strong and healthy, but also to minimize curvature. My husband and I do not have a sexual relationship. I tried for several years and even saw doctors and therapists about it. But, I cannot make it work. He and I are very physically affectionate, but I cannot go there sexually at all. I thank God he is so accepting of and committed to me because it's not an easy thing. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that someone here can relate! 

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8 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

I married a...hmm...I'd say heteroflexible cisman in 2015 while still in femme mode. 

So, how did you make it work? Is your husband asexual as well? I was thinking about guys who are into fem-dominance, but to me dominatrix is one hell of a woman, I see this role as even more feminine than 'standard' hetero woman, not my thing at all. And I think this extreme feminine appearance is the key to attract such guys, who want to obey a woman, so I have a little chance to get their attention. I am looking for someone who's gonna be a bro and treat me the same way. Playing a top man role in everything sexual would be fun, but not nesessary, as I am quite asexual in my physical presence. I had the same question - would it be the same if I were a man, and I know the answer, I would be flirty day and night, having one-night stands and sex-only relationships, so maybe it's a good thing that my body cage saved a dozen of people from me being myself 😀 I know that because I am constantly compensating it the way I can - the intimacy of a good conversation is underrated, and I try to win the trust of everybody around so they can talk to me about personal things, sometimes VERY personal. I am the shoulder everybody can cry on, and I enjoy it. 

Our country is not LGBT friendly at all, and I know a few examples of gays who had to marry a woman to keep their reputation clean. Maybe some of them are not completely homosexual and are somewhere in the spectrum from hetero to homo, and it's not that much of a sacrifice for staying safe, and a slightly masculine woman could be an option in this case, but how do I know that? It hurts me that people choose to supress their real desires, and even if they feel like it's ok, this feeling might be affected by toxic environment and society pressure, and I don't want to be a part of that. This would put a huge moral burden on me.

Anyway, I think I'd prefer being open rather than coming out in relationship. 

 

How do you feel in your 47, did you experience dysphoria and did it evolved in time? I an questioning myself if I will get closer to the desicion about transition later in life, if my appearance will be changing 'wrong' direction. I imagine myself as a 50-60 y.o. man and it seems much more appealing than a woman of the same age.

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25 minutes ago, Paul Palmer said:

So, how did you make it work? Is your husband asexual as well?

 

...so maybe it's a good thing that my body cage saved a dozen of people from me being myself 😀... 

 

How do you feel in your 47, did you experience dysphoria and did it evolved in time?

 

My husband is sexual. He considers himself straight because he's only been interested in relationships with women. But, he's had sex with men in the past. My opinion is that a straight man would not do that. But, my husband does not consider himself bi. That's why I refer to him as "flexible". (And I also wonder if that flexibility lends to his greater acceptance of me.) It's nearly impossible to compromise when I don't want any sex. He does not wish to force anything. So, no sex. We are very affectionate, and he really really likes my feet, which I allow him to dwell on sometimes. I believe the thing that makes it work for us is primarily that we both assert that our bond is spiritual. That is, our commitment is based on our mutual desire to evolve spiritually, and to help each other on this path. Therefore, my husband is able to be more accepting of our sexual incompatibility because he believes that karmically, he's in a place where he needs to be to learn and grow. It's obviously not so cut and dried. At worst, he's expressed resentment, and I've felt like I'm drowning in guilt and shame. But we work on ourselves and our relationship, and things at present are good - our relationship is strong, loving, and committed. It definitely has been extremely challenging. 

 

I hear you on the comment about maybe it's better to not have the male body. I likewise think sometimes that if I WERE a gay man physically, that I'd be pretty, um, wild... 

 

At 47, I am still processing the past, realizing bits of memories and past experiences that I previously had no vocabulary to describe. I think past dysphoria was covered under many many layers of shame, guilt, and self-hatred - I just always felt like an alien-freak-monster. For instance, in the past, I'd cut my hair short, and maybe have one moment of euphoria before crashing down into dark despair and fear over how I'd be perceived socially because I didn't know who I was or what I wanted - I just thought I was hopelessly broken, and that by cutting my hair I was punishing or sabotaging myself. At present, for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm owning my look. I don't try to look like I'm "supposed to", and care so much less what others may think. The support I get from my husband goes a long way. Ironically, I don't know whether I'd have realized so much about myself absent our relationship. He tells me I look cool and cute. He takes me shopping for men's shoes and clothes. I think he's come around to letting go of whatever he "expected" his married life to be, and finds joy in what it is. Again, spiritually, I focus on not identifying with the body which is temporary and perishable. I see the body as a vehicle for the spirit, and not the be all and end all of me. But, I'm certainly not perfect, and the "only human" aspect of me wants to express joyfully and genuinely. I do occasionally experience harsh top dysphoria. For this reason, I try to stay slim and to dress strategically. Strangely, I think gender diverse people are given the unique opportunity to be thrust into deep contemplation of "who am I?" much more so than the general population. This is for better or worse, obviously. However, I think many folks struggling with their identity, albeit extremely challenging and painful at times, wind up ultimately gaining a richer experience of life. 

 

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51 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

I believe the thing that makes it work for us is primarily that we both assert that our bond is spiritual.

Wow, that sounds incredible, after all this is the most desired relationship goal for everyone, I guess. You're lucky. The only reason I care so much about sexual side is my own.. safety, I would say, and partner's content with life. I was talking about the whole situation with my friend, he said: "you just did not discovered youself in sex yet". He is a boring straight and never thought much about people with different configurations, and I wouldn't want someone like him to lean to me hoping he'll be the one able to 'discover' me. 

1 hour ago, Vidanjali said:

Strangely, I think gender diverse people are given the unique opportunity to be thrust into deep contemplation of "who am I?" much more so than the general population. This is for better or worse, obviously. However, I think many folks struggling with their identity, albeit extremely challenging and painful at times, wind up ultimately gaining a richer experience of life. 

Absolutely. I would say, I experience more euphoria rather than dysphoria right now, because I finally figured out what's 'wrong' with me and see clearly why all of the internal conflicts occured. I finally allowed myself to not deliver any babies and use a 'third-party solution' in case I ever come to baby planning. Several months ago I was ready to step in into the standard path of a woman and go through all of the traumatizing things just because I am in a deep love, even though I realized that even conception will be a trouble for me. Thanks to my gaydar, I am free for life now, whatever this life will be.

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  • Forum Moderator

Good afternoon Paul, 

 

Welcome to TransPulseForums, thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find this site as helpful as I do. 
 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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I get the sense that perhaps you're a bit like me...struggling with getting the right label.  I think language doesn't always serve us well. 

 

I labeled myself as gender-fluid, then found out I'm actually intersex.  Female at birth, somewhat socially transitioning toward male.  I love my female partners, but I've found my relationship with my husband to be extremely fulfilling.  Like I'm mostly a submissive/feminine gay boy in a girl's body. 

 

Like you, I'm still using feminine pronouns, and dressing androgynously.  It seems to work, so if what you're doing now is working for you, don't pressure yourself.  I guess life just flows in the proper direction and we follow along. 

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6 minutes ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Like I'm mostly a submissive/feminine gay boy in a girl's body. 

Yeah, I know a girl who has the same issues with her gender identity, and it seem to work in relationships, but I am on the opposite side (mentally), and this does not correspond to physical body at all, that's the problem.

9 minutes ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Like you, I'm still using feminine pronouns, and dressing androgynously.  It seems to work, so if what you're doing now is working for you, don't pressure yourself.  I guess life just flows in the proper direction and we follow along. 

It is working fine for me, that's why I'd like to avoid transition. Maybe if I could just wake up in man's body one day, it would took me about a week to adapt and forget my previous life, but in reality the amount of procedures is too huge for such a little improvement. And there are no guarantees that I will be satisfied with the results (I never knew my father and have no reference to imagine myself as a man).

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2 hours ago, Paul Palmer said:

Maybe if I could just wake up in man's body one day, it would took me about a week to adapt and forget my previous life, but in reality the amount of procedures is too huge for such a little improvement. And there are no guarantees that I will be satisfied with the results (I never knew my father and have no reference to imagine myself as a man).

 

I've had that wish so many times....just to wake up one day in a body that fits me and feels natural.  To wake up and not feel like I'm pretending. 

 

Due to my unique intersex anatomy, the doctor I went to recently told me that pursuing a medical/surgical transition isn't something she could recommend.  I've started using testosterone cream specifically to adjust my intimate anatomy, and I'm kinda pleased with how that's going.  A little bit at a time, I guess.

 

I'm not sure what my life would have been like not having a father.  My father was an intense, dominating presence in my life until I broke free at age 26.  Partly because of that image, I don't really want to imagine myself as dominant and masculine.  I don't want the role, but I think I'd feel better in the body.  Is that perhaps how it is for you?

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1 hour ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

I don't want the role, but I think I'd feel better in the body.  Is that perhaps how it is for you?

Just the opposite, I'd rather have the role if people around had enough imagination, and, surprisingly, if I had enough imagination. In my teens it was much easier to feel like a man just by crossdressing, now I am having trouble to see myself in a mirror, I see a pretender, sonewhat successful, but far even from androgyne I'd like to see.

 

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2 hours ago, Paul Palmer said:

Just the opposite, I'd rather have the role if people around had enough imagination, and, surprisingly, if I had enough imagination. In my teens it was much easier to feel like a man just by crossdressing, now I am having trouble to see myself in a mirror, I see a pretender, sonewhat successful, but far even from androgyne I'd like to see.

I suppose I could imagine myself in the role a bit better if I was physically different... I'm short and slender and light, and unfortunately quite breakable.  My GF, who is Russian-American, calls me "Lisichka," thus the profile picture of a tiny fox.  My ability to protect myself is minimal, and I'd never make it in life alone.  My ability to fit the masculine mold is very limited.

 

You mention that things in Russia are pretty unfriendly towards LGBTQ+ people.  Is it the law, the attitudes, or both? 

 

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5 minutes ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

You mention that things in Russia are pretty unfriendly towards LGBTQ+ people.  Is it the law, the attitudes, or both? 

The laws are getting more and more harsh these days. Not only gay marriages are not allowed, but also propaganda of LGBTQ+ is prohibited, whatever is concidered 'propaganda', asking questions? questioning your gender? Could be anything. And many people are brainwashed to hate everything that goes against 'traditional family', which is a man and a woman, or not educated enough and treat us like aliens. I fall under the second category myself, because in school the word 'transgender' meaned a man in woman dress to me, I didn't understand that when I am doing the opposite, it's actually the same thing. Many people are ignorant and cautious, the older the worse. My mom is not into believing TV and any government agenda, but when I told her I have a gay friend, she said 'eww, the ones who spread AIDS'. I don't think she will ever be ready to hear that I am trans, because gays and lesbians are easy to understand concepts, but all the rest are freaks or psychos to many people. I am currently trying to help an older friend to come out, because he has little to no safe people who won't judge him for anything - he knows that I know, but he's scared and I'm trying to imply that I am not a threat and not going to blackmail him or do anything bad. And it's a friendship, you can imagine the attitude of random strangers. Of course, there are a lot of communities and safe spaces, it's not a big problem to find a circle of open-minded people, but those are bubbles in unfriendly environment and you never know who is safe enough to talk to. Many elders stay undercover and are quite homophobic to themselves. I migrated to international forums because even psyhcologists who work with LGBTQ+ people can be quite toxic.

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19 hours ago, Paul Palmer said:

Wow, that sounds incredible, after all this is the most desired relationship goal for everyone, I guess. You're lucky. The only reason I care so much about sexual side is my own.. safety, I would say, and partner's content with life. I was talking about the whole situation with my friend, he said: "you just did not discovered youself in sex yet". He is a boring straight and never thought much about people with different configurations, and I wouldn't want someone like him to lean to me hoping he'll be the one able to 'discover' me. 

Absolutely. I would say, I experience more euphoria rather than dysphoria right now, because I finally figured out what's 'wrong' with me and see clearly why all of the internal conflicts occured. I finally allowed myself to not deliver any babies and use a 'third-party solution' in case I ever come to baby planning. Several months ago I was ready to step in into the standard path of a woman and go through all of the traumatizing things just because I am in a deep love, even though I realized that even conception will be a trouble for me. Thanks to my gaydar, I am free for life now, whatever this life will be.

 

@Paul Palmer I appreciate your perspective. I have become exponentially more comfortable telling people I'm trans (note, it's much easier to tell a person I'm meeting for the first time than anyone I've known for a long time), but I don't often mention I'm ace (asexual) because I worry I'll be judged in the context of my relationship. That is, if I'm judged for being ace, then my husband will necessarily be judged too. I'm never sure the reaction I'll get when I express how the spiritual connection is the most important thing to us. So, I'm gratified by your response.

 

It's interesting, the phrase you use including "safety" and "contentment". I believe those are common desires for many who are consciousness and compassionate, although it means so many different things to different people. For me, the safety aspect entailed considering that at worst, I was experiencing dissociative episodes during sex and sometimes panic attacks. But, out of concern for my husband's contentment, I tried for years to "fix" myself with medical and mental health doctors. I finally realized that if my safety was not part of his contentment, then our relationship was seriously flawed. It was part of an epiphany I had around 2018 - I realized I had to give up all straining to be any certain way because I felt it was killing me, all the anxiety, shame and guilt. 

 

Ugh, what you share sounds so typical of a guy who fancies himself so virile that he can "fix" or "awaken" any "woman". That's a friend with limited capacity for empathy or imagination, as they're not really listening or making an effort to understand you, but rather inserting their own agenda and ulterior motives. 

 

I'm so glad you reached out on this forum. I hope you are staying safe and enjoying being you as much as you can each day. 

 

By the way, I imagine in Russia you have very limited access to certain media, especially queer content. But, for what it's worth, I'll tell you there is a show on Netflix that I'd recommend to you, as well a book that has actually caused an uproar in the US with certain parties going to court to have it deemed obscene and banning it. The show is called "Feel Good" and stars Mae Martin who is a nonbinary (afab) comedian. The show was created by Martin, and is somewhat biographical. In part, it deals with their sexuality as an afab person who seems to prefer a male sexual role. The book is "Genderqueer" by Maia Kobabe. It's a graphic novel. Kobabe is also afab, and addresses eir desire to experience sex with male anatomy. Interestingly, Kobabe is ace, but nonetheless has these desires - just not to realize them with a partner. Even though you probably cannot access such material, I thought you'd find it comforting to know that others are creating such content to share their experiences. 

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13 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

I have become exponentially more comfortable telling people I'm trans (note, it's much easier to tell a person I'm meeting for the first time than anyone I've known for a long time)

I feel you so much on this, I've met some new people right in the moment of my 'awakening' and told them immediately to see what they think about it, and their reaction was very positive. I know some trans people hate being treated like freaks, but I don't mind if it means that people are more curious and more supportive, as they portray me as 'special' along with being interested in me as a person. One of my old friends didn't respond me for a month, and I don't know if she needs time or it's a silent ban. Anyway, if people don't accept me for who I am, those are not my people, I share this information to reveal who my true friends are, and they open to me back, I didn't know about many of them either. Filtering is harsh, but that's what I do all the time, and in current situation it feels like I have the best friends possible on this planet.

28 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

I finally realized that if my safety was not part of his contentment, then our relationship was seriously flawed.

Yes, that is what I mean, and I am going to be as open and honest to everybody around as I can. Sometimes people are interested in me, and I'd prefer to inform them first, that they're approaching a werewolf, and therу are issues to consider.

35 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

But, for what it's worth, I'll tell you there is a show on Netflix that I'd recommend to you, as well a book that has actually caused an uproar in the US with certain parties going to court to have it deemed obscene and banning it.

Thank you, I'll try to find it somewhere online. You're right, queer content is limited and there's a language barrier for many people, we can have access to any information, but not everybody knows languages good enough to watch a movie or read a book, that will not be translated (see my previous message - it's a 'propaganda'). So stupid, like someone can choose being a queer just by having information about it.

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22 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

by the way, great photo you posted. You look like a rock star. 😎

Thank you, I am trying to rock what I have. 

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8 hours ago, Paul Palmer said:

You're right, queer content is limited and there's a language barrier for many people, we can have access to any information, but not everybody knows languages good enough to watch a movie or read a book, that will not be translated (see my previous message - it's a 'propaganda'). So stupid, like someone can choose being a queer just by having information about it.

Seems like "propaganda" can be anything these days, as you point out. We're facing some censorship in the USA too (God forbid you disagree with both major political parties...).    This VPN is supposed to work in places like Iran and China, and is free:   https://ultrasurf.us/    It can be a bit slow at times, but free stuff isn't always the best.  There are others that require a subscription, but I don't know as much about them.

 

We use VPN's here with mixed success, simply to avoid being tracked.  But privacy can be a difficult thing at times.  My husband has friends in China who have been pretty much taken off the internet because of the government, and are unable to emigrate.  

 

I like your picture too.  Rock star look indeed.  In the Southern US where I live, there aren't many people of Eastern European background.  But a bit farther north where my husband and GF grew up, there are a lot of Russians, Poles, Croatians, and Serbians.  If you ever want to come to the USA for vacation or to stay, you'll be able to find a bit of home.  🙂

 

 

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    • Abigail Genevieve
      The two o'clock Onshoring meeting was going well.  Taylor was leading, inviting other people up to speak on their specialties. Aerial photogrammetry and surveying, including the exact boundary, were out for contract signature  Gibson had handled that - Manufacturing was supposed to, but somehow hadn't happened.  Legal issues from Legal. Accounting reported on current costs, including all upkeep, guard salaries, etc.  Manufacturing was supposed to give those numbers, but they hadn't.   The downside was the VP of Manufacturing.  He had arrived at the meeting red-faced, his tie askew, clutching a bottle. It smelled strongly of vodka. He had never done anything in his twenty years of being VP of Manufacturing, and he did not like being asked now.   "Mr. ----, do you have the inventory we asked for?" Taylor asked politely.  VP Gibson had asked him to have his people go through the plant and not only inventory but assess the operational status of every piece of equipment.  They needed to know what they had. "I'm not going to take any f---- orders from a g-d- tra---," he snarled. "God knows what kind of perverts it has dragged into our fair city and bangs every night." "That is completely out of line." That was Gibson.  Taylor controlled herself.  That was a shot at Bob, not just at Taylor.  She was glad Bob was not there to do something stupid.  Had Mrs. McCarthy been talking? What had she said?  Was she given to embellishment?  Taylor took a deep breath. "I'm not sorry.  You f--- can take this stupid onshoring --- and shove it up your -" "That is quite enough."  This was the head of HR. "You can take your sissy ways and sashay -" "You are fired." "You can't fire me." "Oh, yes I can," said the office manager.  The VP took another swig from his bottle. "Try it."  He looked uncertain. "I will have you removed.  Are you going to leave on your own?  I am calling the police to help you leave." And he dialed the number. He stomped out cursing. They heard him noisily go down the hall.  This was the front conference room.  He actually went through security and out the door, throwing his badge on the ground on his way.  The guard picked it up. They could see this through the glass wall. "Can you fire a VP?" "The Board told me that if anyone gives me problems they should be shown the door. Even a VP.  I can fire everyone here. I won't, of course. Those were problems." "Are you alright, Taylor?" She nodded.  "I've heard worse.  Shall we continue?" And they did.   The last item was that certain business people in China had been arrested, and the corporation that had been supporting them all these years had been dissolved.  They were on their own, and the Board was dead serious on straightening things out.  After this meeting, Taylor believed it.  She did not attend the meeting to discuss how to distribute the few duties the VP of Manufacturing had done.  That was ultimately up to the Board.    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Lunch was at Cabaret, still free.  The place was quiet: it was the sort of place you took a business client to impress them, and the few other people were in business suits.  Most of the legal profession was there.   She told him of the morning's frustrations, breaking her own rule about confidentiality.  She asked Karen how the branding was going, and Karen had snapped back that she had not started on it yet - they had all these proposals.  Taylor had explained that it was important, for the two o'clock meeting, and Karen told her to do it herself.  Karen pointed out that Taylor could not touch her - her uncle was on the Board and her brother was VP of Manufacturing.  Nor would the two computer guys go out to the plant - they were playing some kind of MMORPG and simply not available. If she wanted the pictures, she should go.  Mary prayed an Ave Maria, but both she and Brenda were racing to get the proposal out. The client wanted it Friday for review.   She didn't bring up what Mrs. McCarthy had told her.  She wasn't sure how to approach it.  She thought of telling her of a 'something more comfortable' she had bought in case he ever DID show up at her door. It was in the bottom drawer of her dresser, ready to go.  Instead she talked about moving to a place with a garage.  Several of the abandoned houses had one, and they had been maintained well with China cash.   Bob had finally realized that when he was introduced as Bob, Taylor's boyfriend, that was just how things were done here. Other people had introduced each other in terms of family relationships, which were strong.  Long before you found out anything else about someone, you knew how they were related.  Family kept people from leaving Millville.    "What is the real name of this town, anyway?"   She laughed.  "I am trying to find that out.  It's 'Welcome to Millvale' when you come into town from the north, and 'Welcome to Millville' on the south.  I have counted two other variants."   "What a town. Roosevelt is like that, with the families, but there is only one spelling."  
    • Ashley0616
      Nothing wrong with that. I'm glad that you found what makes you happy! Just curious what does your wife think? If it's too personal I understand.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      – According to a recent survey, the most popular name for a dog is Max. Other popular names include Molly, Sam, Zach, and Maggie.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      Either new environment/ not potty trained
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Bob was on his way home from the dojo and he "just happened" to driver by her place. It was 10:30.  Her light was still on.  He knew exactly where she was sitting.  He saw her in his mind.   A fierce wave of desire that took his breath away suddenly showed up. All he had to do was stop, get out of the car, walk to the door and knock.  She would answer, glad to see him.  She would know why he was there and what he wanted. She would invite him in, maybe get him something to drink, disappear for a moment and return in "something more comfortable."  She would lead him back. Oh, joy.   And never, ever speak to him again afterwards.  Or she would not let him in but be angry about it.  In no way, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually, was she ready for this, and he knew it, if he was honest with himself, and she knew he knew it.  She would look upon it as another assault and their relationship would be irretrievably broken.  He would have to leave town. It would devastate her. It would devastate him.    He fought himself.  He was frozen to his seat as his reason and his body fought. He was twenty four years old, a full-blooded male with normal desires; he had just worked out and he was ready.  All he had to do now was open the car door. No one would know. He held his hands, one in the other, to keep one from moving, against his reason and will, to open that door.  He did not want to be a slave of his desires.   He looked across the street.  Mrs. McCarthy, sister of his landlord, was peeking though her window.  She knew his car.  Everyone in town would know by noon the next day if he got out of the car.  Taylor did not need that, either, and she would know, if he came to the door now, what a selfish thing it would be: in his own eyes, in the eyes of Taylor, in the eyes of the town, and worst of all, in the eyes of God.   He sat there a moment longer.  He was, as he reflected, entering into her sufferings in a small way that she would be made whole, healthy and happy: what he wanted more than anything.  But this hurt.  Why had all this come on her?  He asked God again, but there was only silence. He drove home in that silence. He chided himself for even going on her street and for driving on it other nights.  He would stop that, he told himself.   ------------------------------------------   The next morning Taylor went out to her car to go to work.  Mrs. McCarthy met her before she got to it. "I thought you were going to get lucky last night, dearie," she said. Taylor was puzzled. "Why, what do you mean?" "That young fellow - you know, Bob - he's been driving around here, going up and down the street some nights, not stopping.  Well, last night he parked and sat in his car for a while.   I think he was staring at your window.  I think he was trying to get up the courage to knock on the door. I was rooting for him.   But then he drove away.  Faint heart never won fair lady, as they say. What a shame. You two are a lovely couple.  Well, have a good day!" "Thank you, Mrs. McCarthy."  Taylor knew Bob extremely well and knew what had been going through his mind.  She was more than grateful he had not gotten out of the car. Better for him, better for her, better for everybody.  Surgery "down there" sooner than later.  This was driving the poor boy crazy. It was driving her crazy, too.  But she had a lot to work through. Surgery "up here" she said, pointing to her head.  She woke up her therapist on the way to work.  They were still talking when she pulled into her designated parking spot.  That was a perk that had happened yesterday.  She took a deep breath and headed into work. It would be another wild day.
    • Ashley0616
      bittersweet: especially : pleasure accompanied by suffering or regret
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I'm thinking about some interactions yesterday I did, while presenting as male but acting as female, that were far better than I did when I was presenting as male and acting as male.  #girlunderhood. I do a crappy job at acting as male and I am giving it up.  I am not talking about feminine gestures or presentation but just relating as a woman.  People don't realize I am doing it but it is a whole lot easier to do.   You don't just put on a dress and BOOM you are a girl.  You are a girl and you put on a dress.  Or not. Whether I am in jeans or a skirt (I wish, wife would have lots to say) I am a girl.  I don't need $250 in makeup and heels and hose and all that.  I don't need surgery. Honey, I have arrived.  Now I have to work out how that best works in my life, causing the minimal damage and creating the maximum good, but I have more working room.   Oh, and I am still pissed off at everyone and everything. #Contradictory.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      @Willow it is certainly possible that my husband planned it. Placing me in the path of an opportunity....he certainly does things like that. GF has done some work for the company as an outside consultant, so I'm sure the company owner knows what potential resources are around.    It could also have just happened randomly. He has taken me to work with him before, just because he likes to have me around. I remember one time that I fell asleep with my head in his lap, and he held a meeting with his subordinates without waking me and making me move.  The company culture is family oriented and relaxed.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The photo is great.  Software is phenomenal but it also is sort of a promise of things to come. Years ago this sort of thing took a photographer and Photoshop and all sorts of things and you would say, "I can look like THIS??"   Me, I am a duck.  That's from my driver's license.  Just kidding.
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