Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I came out to my wife


Interstella Burst

Recommended Posts

I came out to my wife yesterday and I am totally and completely devastated. I feel like I let her down so vastly and incomprehensibly. I am deeply grieving the life we made together that we will no longer be able to have. We love each other so incredibly much and that makes it all the more difficult.

 

I know this is temporary but the feeling that the shame and guilt I endured by being trans was nothing in comparison to how I feel about destroying our marriage is pervasive and all encompassing. I know we will always be a part of each other's lives as nothing can take away the bond we share but accepting that things will be different and that they will be painful is hard.

 

I feel as if I don't deserve the compassion she showed me. Honestly I've never lived up to the partnership we've had and this small part of me was hoping I would get the chance to. All I can do now is try as hard as I can to be 1% of the woman she is and to survive so I can be there for her as much as she is here for me.

 

I wish there was a reason things happened. I don't even think that would change how I feel. I keep thinking about the greatest moment of my life, waking up from surgery to remove my cancer and seeing her beautiful face and being so happy to be alive. This is the worst thing I've ever had to live through.

Link to comment
1 minute ago, Interstella Burst said:

I came out to my wife yesterday and I am totally and completely devastated. I feel like I let her down so vastly and incomprehensibly.

Give her time to absorb the news. Let her adjust at her own speed, and answer the questions that are sure to come up now and in the future. It's too soon to think that all you had together is ruined. Understand that this is a very big deal to her in the moment, but keep in mind that the long term may be an entirely different story.

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Interstella Burst said:

I am deeply grieving the life we made together that we will no longer be able to have. We love each other so incredibly much and that makes it all the more difficult.

 

3 hours ago, Colleen Henderson said:

Understand that this is a very big deal to her in the moment, but keep in mind that the long term may be an entirely different story.

 

@Colleen Henderson's insight is so very true.  The first days after coming out can seem as if everything precious to you has been destroyed.  But time does allow for the two of you to begin adjusting, to begin listening to each other.

 

For me and for my spouse, without a doubt the most valuable "next step" was to arrange for joint sessions with an experienced gender therapist. I attended the first session solo to introduce myself and set the stage, and then the both of us attended all subsequent sessions.  It was extremely useful for both of us, and a good, safe environment where we could express our thoughts, learn each other's fears, and be given insight and tasks that helped us grow and remain as a couple -- especially in the area of communication to each other.

 

With hope for you both,

 

Astrid

Link to comment

Thank you both for the advice, it means the world to me.

 

4 hours ago, Colleen Henderson said:

Give her time to absorb the news. Let her adjust at her own speed, and answer the questions that are sure to come up now and in the future. It's too soon to think that all you had together is ruined. Understand that this is a very big deal to her in the moment, but keep in mind that the long term may be an entirely different story.

 

I am doing my best to give her the space by not bombarding her with any information but answering questions when they arise. I agree that I need to show more patience to see where this can go but it's hard not to see anything but catastrophe in the moment myself. 

 

1 hour ago, Astrid said:

For me and for my spouse, without a doubt the most valuable "next step" was to arrange for joint sessions with an experienced gender therapist.

 

I had a pre-compiled list of couples therapists and have received more option from my individual therapist today and my wife explicitly asked if she could attend therapy with me. Considering what therapy has done for me as an individual I don't doubt the value of this in the slightest and will be presenting her with these additional options tonight.

Link to comment

If you have a strong bond and love each other deeply you have a decent chance of making something work out. No promises though. She probably needs some space to process it. It like what your not what I thought you were. Me and my partner of 30+ years stay quite about it for a bit before she was ready to share some of her thoughts. The best least outcome was not rejecting me. Well, that was true. The love and devotion are still there 3 years later only it is about two women sharing space. Sex was never an issue as that had stop years ago for different reasons. She is not even a lesbian. It really doesn't matter to me. I love her until the Sun dies its death 5 billion years and she would do the same. I think surviving this kind of thing takes incredible love and maybe some luck or a lot of luck.

 

I wish you good success, Stephie

Link to comment

You said she showed you compassion and that you both have an amazing relationship and those are good signs.  This doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.  The first two weeks after I came out to my wife were the toughest.  There were a lot of questions, a lot of intense discussions and more than a few tears.  Just give her space, don't push her and be honest when she asks questions.  Two years after I came out to her we're still together and still very much in love.

Link to comment

Thank you for your insight, I just wanted to share an update.

 

I'm sure none of you are surprised having lived through a similar situation but as the week has gone on, the conversations get easier and easier, the emotions change, but the love remains the same - if not grows - for one another. I know there is a long a difficult path ahead, but I think the most important thing is that I can see how there is a world where we both end up happy, and in that world we very well might still be married.

 

We have scheduled a couples counseling session for next week and my wife has signed up for individual counseling and a support group. I am proud of us for taking these steps. In the moment things seemed hopeless and I appreciate you all for being there to voice your support and your words of wisdom.

Link to comment
4 minutes ago, Interstella Burst said:

I think the most important thing is that I can see how there is a world where we both end up happy, and in that world we very well might still be married.

 

 

That's very good news. Thank you for sharing it.

Link to comment
52 minutes ago, Interstella Burst said:

I'm sure none of you are surprised having lived through a similar situation but as the week has gone on, the conversations get easier and easier, the emotions change, but the love remains the same - if not grows - for one another. I know there is a long a difficult path ahead, but I think the most important thing is that I can see how there is a world where we both end up happy, and in that world we very well might still be married.

 

 

An additional thought to file away is that the journey that lies ahead (for hopefully both of you) will have many other milestones, each with its own advance fears and what-if thoughts -- but almost always we emerge from these milestones just as you did with coming out -- finding that it really was something that you could do, that you felt stress relief from having done it, and that your fears weren't realized and any problems were far less problematic than you'd imagined.

 

Best wishes on your journey,

 

Astrid

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

Hello,

 

Not to "bump" an old thread, but as I navigate what my support system looks like I've largely drifted away from the internet and as a result, have been largely absent from this site. However it's been on my mind lately that I spent a lot of time before starting my transition surfing threads here and seeing what other's experiences were, and that it might be helpful for someone else to see where mine is at.

 

My wife and I attend couple's counseling almost every week. We mostly discuss plans and feelings about how we can navigate this together, moving forward, whatever that may look like. There are days where I am sad, where I can sense her hesitation, where I can feel her thinking "I'm not sure how I feel." There are days where we feel more connected than ever before.

 

For once in a long while I feel like there are ups and downs - not a steady dragging through the mud. I am experiencing what it is like to live without major depressive disorder and largely without guilt and shame controlling my every thought and action. Starting my transition didn't solve everything. It gave me the power to stand against adversity with a self-worth I never knew before. And this is just the beginning of my journey.

 

I can't know what will happen for anyone reading this and wondering themselves, but I do know that I had little to no hope that anything positive would happen when I spoke the words "I am transgender" to my wife. But many positive things did. Every conversation I thought would devastate me has been un-catastrophic. And the happiness I feel in the most mundane of moments is far greater than I could have ever imagined.

 

This is just one woman's story, and yours might be different. Just know that for one random lady on the internet who was sure things would only get worse, things got better.

 

Thank you all for the words of encouragement when I needed them the most. I wish you all the best through the difficult holiday season. ❤️ 

 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, Interstella Burst said:

This is just one woman's story, and yours might be different. Just know that for one random lady on the internet who was sure things would only get worse, things got better.

 

Thank you all for the words of encouragement when I needed them the most. I wish you all the best through the difficult holiday season. ❤️ 

Good afternoon Stella, (only guessing)

 

I didn't comment on your September posting, and I love all the responses you received. My original coming out to my wife was much like yours, and the folks here were great help. I'm glad you are working through the issues that come with being in a relationship, and transgender. Suzie and I are two years into my coming out and slow transition. We have more open and honest conversations, even inside jokes now that she knows.

 

Happy Holidays to you and yours,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 108 Guests (See full list)

    • Faye1972
    • Pip
    • Betty K
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,942
    • Most Online
      8,356

    taxicab
    Newest Member
    taxicab
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Colorado isn't exactly a Republican place, and won't become one anytime soon.  I think those folks might be better off not spending their time playing Don Quixote.    We certainly have our share of California "refugees" moving into where I live, so I wouldn't be surprised to start seeing Coloradans too.  I suspect the trend over the next few years will see the blue areas getting more blue and the red areas getting more red as anybody who can relocate tries to find a place where they fit better.   
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, at least it'll be a place some folks could choose.  Options are a good thing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      My family would have gobbled that jar up in a minute or two.  When we do have pickled herring, its usually for Christmas.  I didn't grow up with that particular dish, but I grew up in a Greek family so I like just about any kind of fish if I can get it.  However, ocean fish and freshwater fish taste so different.  We usually have more catfish and tilapia to eat than anything else.    What I can't quite get used to is the tons of cabbage my GF insists on eating.  When you live with a Russian, there is always cabbage soup.  Always.  When I first moved in with her, breakfast was "shchi" for soup and either bread or "kasha" which is a bowl of boiled buckwheat with butter and salt.  Those dishes can be made in any number of ways, some are better than others.  In the winter, it can even be salty and sour like kraut.  Not exactly sauerkraut, but packed in tubs with vinegar and salt so it keeps partially for the winter.  But I drew the line when the cabbage soup included pieces of fried snake one day.  😆
    • Ashley0616
      Good evening to you as well @Mmindy   That is awesome that you have support from her side. My dad has communicated with me once and that was because he was forced to. His new wife wanted to spend time with my kids. He hated me so much he was in the process of taking my rights away as a parent to my two boys. He was talking to a lawyer and I called him out on it. I don't love him at all. I'll respect him because I wouldn't be here without him but I wished I had another father. My uncles don't talk to me and unfriended me on Facebook. Almost all cousins except for two are still Facebook friends but they don't give me any support. My mom said she won't support me with that but she has said that she loves me. I have nieces and nephews that are still Facebook friends but they have yet to talk to me. I have one sister that supports me out of three. The other's disrespect me by deadnaming me. They have never called me their sister. I think for them they think it's still a phase. They don't ask questions about me being trans. I have to bring it up and on the look of their faces they don't look comfortable about it. 
    • Mmindy
      Good evening @Ashley0616,   I just got offline with HP tech support trying to get my printer tool box icon locked to my tool bar. This is one of the most important features of my printer that I like because it keeps track of ink, paper, and scanned documents. I'm diffidently not a computer geek.   I'll catch up with the other bookmarks next week. We leave to go home for the Easter Holiday with our families. Saturday with her side, and Sunday with my side. What's odd about that is I'm out to more of her side and they're reluctantly supportive. My side on the other hand are less supportive, and my sister just under me in age will not acknowledge my being there. She will be constantly moving to keep from dealing with me. I'm dead to her.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • Ashley0616
      I used to follow baseball and the team I would cheer for is Boston Red Sox. My favorite player was Papi. He was an awesome guy and even held a child during the National Anthem. I haven't watched baseball for a long time. It just died off to me. 
    • Ashley0616
      That stinks that nothing transferred, and no bookmarks were saved! 
    • Ashley0616
      I'm doing patches for now but I think soon I'll go to shots because it's hard to alternate when you are doing two xx patches at once. Unless she gives me Estradiol and progesterone
    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...