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I came out to my wife


Interstella Burst

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I came out to my wife yesterday and I am totally and completely devastated. I feel like I let her down so vastly and incomprehensibly. I am deeply grieving the life we made together that we will no longer be able to have. We love each other so incredibly much and that makes it all the more difficult.

 

I know this is temporary but the feeling that the shame and guilt I endured by being trans was nothing in comparison to how I feel about destroying our marriage is pervasive and all encompassing. I know we will always be a part of each other's lives as nothing can take away the bond we share but accepting that things will be different and that they will be painful is hard.

 

I feel as if I don't deserve the compassion she showed me. Honestly I've never lived up to the partnership we've had and this small part of me was hoping I would get the chance to. All I can do now is try as hard as I can to be 1% of the woman she is and to survive so I can be there for her as much as she is here for me.

 

I wish there was a reason things happened. I don't even think that would change how I feel. I keep thinking about the greatest moment of my life, waking up from surgery to remove my cancer and seeing her beautiful face and being so happy to be alive. This is the worst thing I've ever had to live through.

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1 minute ago, Interstella Burst said:

I came out to my wife yesterday and I am totally and completely devastated. I feel like I let her down so vastly and incomprehensibly.

Give her time to absorb the news. Let her adjust at her own speed, and answer the questions that are sure to come up now and in the future. It's too soon to think that all you had together is ruined. Understand that this is a very big deal to her in the moment, but keep in mind that the long term may be an entirely different story.

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3 hours ago, Interstella Burst said:

I am deeply grieving the life we made together that we will no longer be able to have. We love each other so incredibly much and that makes it all the more difficult.

 

3 hours ago, Colleen Henderson said:

Understand that this is a very big deal to her in the moment, but keep in mind that the long term may be an entirely different story.

 

@Colleen Henderson's insight is so very true.  The first days after coming out can seem as if everything precious to you has been destroyed.  But time does allow for the two of you to begin adjusting, to begin listening to each other.

 

For me and for my spouse, without a doubt the most valuable "next step" was to arrange for joint sessions with an experienced gender therapist. I attended the first session solo to introduce myself and set the stage, and then the both of us attended all subsequent sessions.  It was extremely useful for both of us, and a good, safe environment where we could express our thoughts, learn each other's fears, and be given insight and tasks that helped us grow and remain as a couple -- especially in the area of communication to each other.

 

With hope for you both,

 

Astrid

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Thank you both for the advice, it means the world to me.

 

4 hours ago, Colleen Henderson said:

Give her time to absorb the news. Let her adjust at her own speed, and answer the questions that are sure to come up now and in the future. It's too soon to think that all you had together is ruined. Understand that this is a very big deal to her in the moment, but keep in mind that the long term may be an entirely different story.

 

I am doing my best to give her the space by not bombarding her with any information but answering questions when they arise. I agree that I need to show more patience to see where this can go but it's hard not to see anything but catastrophe in the moment myself. 

 

1 hour ago, Astrid said:

For me and for my spouse, without a doubt the most valuable "next step" was to arrange for joint sessions with an experienced gender therapist.

 

I had a pre-compiled list of couples therapists and have received more option from my individual therapist today and my wife explicitly asked if she could attend therapy with me. Considering what therapy has done for me as an individual I don't doubt the value of this in the slightest and will be presenting her with these additional options tonight.

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If you have a strong bond and love each other deeply you have a decent chance of making something work out. No promises though. She probably needs some space to process it. It like what your not what I thought you were. Me and my partner of 30+ years stay quite about it for a bit before she was ready to share some of her thoughts. The best least outcome was not rejecting me. Well, that was true. The love and devotion are still there 3 years later only it is about two women sharing space. Sex was never an issue as that had stop years ago for different reasons. She is not even a lesbian. It really doesn't matter to me. I love her until the Sun dies its death 5 billion years and she would do the same. I think surviving this kind of thing takes incredible love and maybe some luck or a lot of luck.

 

I wish you good success, Stephie

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You said she showed you compassion and that you both have an amazing relationship and those are good signs.  This doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.  The first two weeks after I came out to my wife were the toughest.  There were a lot of questions, a lot of intense discussions and more than a few tears.  Just give her space, don't push her and be honest when she asks questions.  Two years after I came out to her we're still together and still very much in love.

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Thank you for your insight, I just wanted to share an update.

 

I'm sure none of you are surprised having lived through a similar situation but as the week has gone on, the conversations get easier and easier, the emotions change, but the love remains the same - if not grows - for one another. I know there is a long a difficult path ahead, but I think the most important thing is that I can see how there is a world where we both end up happy, and in that world we very well might still be married.

 

We have scheduled a couples counseling session for next week and my wife has signed up for individual counseling and a support group. I am proud of us for taking these steps. In the moment things seemed hopeless and I appreciate you all for being there to voice your support and your words of wisdom.

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4 minutes ago, Interstella Burst said:

I think the most important thing is that I can see how there is a world where we both end up happy, and in that world we very well might still be married.

 

 

That's very good news. Thank you for sharing it.

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52 minutes ago, Interstella Burst said:

I'm sure none of you are surprised having lived through a similar situation but as the week has gone on, the conversations get easier and easier, the emotions change, but the love remains the same - if not grows - for one another. I know there is a long a difficult path ahead, but I think the most important thing is that I can see how there is a world where we both end up happy, and in that world we very well might still be married.

 

 

An additional thought to file away is that the journey that lies ahead (for hopefully both of you) will have many other milestones, each with its own advance fears and what-if thoughts -- but almost always we emerge from these milestones just as you did with coming out -- finding that it really was something that you could do, that you felt stress relief from having done it, and that your fears weren't realized and any problems were far less problematic than you'd imagined.

 

Best wishes on your journey,

 

Astrid

 

 

 

 

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  • 2 months later...

Hello,

 

Not to "bump" an old thread, but as I navigate what my support system looks like I've largely drifted away from the internet and as a result, have been largely absent from this site. However it's been on my mind lately that I spent a lot of time before starting my transition surfing threads here and seeing what other's experiences were, and that it might be helpful for someone else to see where mine is at.

 

My wife and I attend couple's counseling almost every week. We mostly discuss plans and feelings about how we can navigate this together, moving forward, whatever that may look like. There are days where I am sad, where I can sense her hesitation, where I can feel her thinking "I'm not sure how I feel." There are days where we feel more connected than ever before.

 

For once in a long while I feel like there are ups and downs - not a steady dragging through the mud. I am experiencing what it is like to live without major depressive disorder and largely without guilt and shame controlling my every thought and action. Starting my transition didn't solve everything. It gave me the power to stand against adversity with a self-worth I never knew before. And this is just the beginning of my journey.

 

I can't know what will happen for anyone reading this and wondering themselves, but I do know that I had little to no hope that anything positive would happen when I spoke the words "I am transgender" to my wife. But many positive things did. Every conversation I thought would devastate me has been un-catastrophic. And the happiness I feel in the most mundane of moments is far greater than I could have ever imagined.

 

This is just one woman's story, and yours might be different. Just know that for one random lady on the internet who was sure things would only get worse, things got better.

 

Thank you all for the words of encouragement when I needed them the most. I wish you all the best through the difficult holiday season. ❤️ 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Interstella Burst said:

This is just one woman's story, and yours might be different. Just know that for one random lady on the internet who was sure things would only get worse, things got better.

 

Thank you all for the words of encouragement when I needed them the most. I wish you all the best through the difficult holiday season. ❤️ 

Good afternoon Stella, (only guessing)

 

I didn't comment on your September posting, and I love all the responses you received. My original coming out to my wife was much like yours, and the folks here were great help. I'm glad you are working through the issues that come with being in a relationship, and transgender. Suzie and I are two years into my coming out and slow transition. We have more open and honest conversations, even inside jokes now that she knows.

 

Happy Holidays to you and yours,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋 

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