Howdy from Sheldon Cooper's East Texas

[Beginsat43]

Like Sheldon I was obscenely smart and it didn't win me any friends. As I developed late and had so few mental peers I didn't learn to be a social person until it was the only choice I had.

I dated a half dozen girls but found them too childlike for my brain-ego. They all wanted adult time far too early for my comfort and I broke up with them all soon afterward. For a long time I thought I was asexual because I had no desire to bed down someone of my age group of any sex.

 

At the same time I remember trying on mom's swimsuits and pantyhose, etc. from the age of 7, getting caught by my dad, who was cool about it but made it known it was not acceptable. I was the first born son in a family affected by drug abuse, alcoholism, panic disorders, and depression, so I just knew I'd get some of that for myself. That desire to dress for the tactile feeling of alien fabric stayed with me my entire life, and by 12 I had sacked away a few items for my own use. At 19 I was self-medicating. I can say don't do this. I was fired because I didn't control my attitudes and appearances at work. I was caught shoplifting from the mall where my mom worked and I embarrassed her in front of her coworkers and friends. So I had to prove to myself I could get over this deviance and enlisted in the Air Force. My dad and brother enlisted in Army and Marines, my grandfathers in the Navy, so I took the other one - and failed to prove anything manly to myself. I wasn't effeminate but just flat. I had no emotion or drive or ambition and left in 4 years. Within this 4 years we had room inspections so I did not have the ability to dress however I took refuge in study of Eastern Religions that had a much more open perspective with regard to male v female duality. It did my spirit good to read books like "Conversations With God" that were read on Audiobook by Ed Asner and Ellen Burstyn, each the voice of god.

 

When I left the Air Force I had a real spirituality for the first time and I was much more comfortable with the M/F dynamic. I didn't date for ten years, as I thought I had nothing to offer someone in  my pitiful state, however I now know that I didn't want to have a women with me as much as for me to be that woman for myself. I tried for a decade to improve myself - go to the gym, eat healthy, read up on current affairs, get ongoing education, watch documentaries, and so on in my goal to be more of a man than I had experienced myself to be. Only when I finished Testosterone Therapy did I realize that I could not be a manly man. Even though they gave me so much my T was over the high range, it had also brought my Estradiol up to where it would be if I was doing FTM therapy with T Blockers. My body was literally telling me you can't be the man you were told to be. Even in this desire to force the issue it still bucked up on me and told me that door is shut.

 

Coincident with all this I was picking up female friends along the way and honestly preferring their company to the blustering, homo-paranoid coworkers I spent my time with daily. When I told them I was experiencing some of the effects of HRT even while having a ridiculously high T score they just smiled and hugged me. It opened up things on the spiritual side for me to realize in a new way and I even asked for direction and was given a dream that was neutral-positive - do it if you want; good things will come either way. And this is what allowed me to dream what my next Pokemon evolution will be. I've always like MyLittlePony and painted nails, hair and clothing, but I've also been super jealous of honest, emotional conversations and openness women are expected to exhibit while men are forbidden. I feel I have to be super-humanly emotional to win the next phase of my trip and it's just impossible with this biology I'm so accustomed to. I've never felt like a guy, or even a human; I've always felt like Kal-El losing his spaceship and would go in an instant.

 

So now, having realized my hang-ups with women were really all about my own self-image and nothing to do with them, I have emerged a revitalized person eager to take next steps. I will start HRT the right way in two weeks now...Thanks for reading. If anyone has questions or wants to relate sympathy or a parallel situation, I'm happy to listen and reply.

[Delcina B]

Welcome @Beginsat43! Glad you're here! Interesting intro, thank you! I'm happy you're finding your way. I think I will have to read it again after some rest. I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

 

 

[Susan R]

Welcome @Beginsat43, It’s a pleasure to meet you and I enjoyed reading your introduction very much. There was a lot of thought out into it.😁

11 hours ago, Beginsat43 said:

If anyone has questions or wants to relate sympathy or a parallel situation, I'm happy to listen and reply.

I can relate to many of your thoughts about how your own self perception growing up and your situation changed the way you perceive woman (and possibly men). I often wonder how some of my close relationships with women would have changed if I’d come to terms with myself at a much earlier time. The fact that their perspective of me would undoubtedly changed along with mine if I had makes it an endless circle with no clear answer.  Would it have been better or worse? The only conclusion I’ve ever come up with is that they all would have been very very different in the end. Intimate relationships may have become just a very amicable relationships and female friends may have become something much more intimate.

 

Anyways, Thanks for sharing some of your journey thus far. I hope to read more about you in time and when you feel the desire. Enjoy the site!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

 

 

[Beginsat43]

Thank you both. I appreciate the time invested in your welcoming outreach. I can be rather dry and irritating without proper time devoted to editing, so I appreciate you bearing with my default nature, Delcina. 🤪

 

Love your hair, Susan. 🤗🫖

[Vidanjali]

Hello & welcome @Beginsat43 . Nice to make your virtual acquaintance. I relate to several things you shared. Due to intellectual incompatibility, I also found making friends difficult during the early part of my life. To compound the issue, I was raised in a deeply fearful Irish Catholic family - my mother was afraid of everything and indoctrinated me into that legacy of fear. It took concerted effort on my part to learn the art of friendliness and how to relate to others to realize intimacy on levels other than that of the intellectual. One practical part of this process, which is rather amusing, is that I had to adjust my conversational lexicon because I had spent much more time reading (I also did not own a TV until about 2012) than talking to people that I rendered myself "conversant", but unrelatable - I'd speak words that most folks do not know. (Sometimes I'd get asked in a mocking way, "what are you, a librarian?") To say it's been worth the effort to learn better how to relate is an understatement. I am blessed with many wonderful, beloved and loving friends in my life. Related to that, my study of Eastern religions has taught me in part that the intellect is but a tool and not my identity. This knowledge has deepened my understanding of how my existence is an aspect of a unified oneness, and that truly there is nothing to fear. Also, like you, I began to self-medicate at age 19. And, as I gain insight into my asexuality and gender identity, I realize that, similar to what you describe, my attraction to men has been very much steeped in envy. I am gratified to hear you are feeling positive and eager to realize your genuine identity. It is indeed exhilarating to let go of restraints which have bound us for so long. In many ways, it's like starting a new life. Cheers to you.