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Is it still just a phase if I keep coming back to it?


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I first starting questioning my gender identify when I was 15. There was a time in my life where I was certain I was a boy and I started to change the way I expressed my gender (I cut my hair and wore exclusively male clothes). I told a few close friends but never officially came out. 


I can’t remember the cause but the following year, I began to express in a feminine way again. I was comfortable with this. I chalked everything down to it just being a phase. 


However, since I was 16, every year or so all of those feelings would come back. I would feel adamantly that I wanted to be a boy and that I was trans. A few weeks later, the thoughts would settle down (maybe I subconsciously talked myself out of it). My main thought every time these feelings flare up is that I don’t want to regret never transitioning when I die. I don’t want to regret not allowing myself to explore those feeings. If I could wish for anything, I would wish to be born a boy. This thought persists throughout all of these “phases”.


Another factor is my boyfriend. He is straight and we broke up last year when I was going through one of these phases and told him I was trans. It ended up all feeling wrong but I don’t know if that’s because I’m not actually trans or because I don’t want to lose him. I know that if I were trans, we would break up and that kills me. 


I guess my overall question is: is it still a phase when it keeps happening? Am I trans? Would I be happier if I transitioned but lost my boyfriend? 

I hope that this made sense and doesn’t sound stupid. 


Any help or advice anyone has would be amazing, I feel very lost right now. 


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Hi and welcome.


I am not a therapist, but it sounds to me like it is more than a phase if it keeps coming back.  Maybe it means that you are trans.  Maybe it means something else.


The best advice I can give you is to talk to a gender therapist.  They will help you to understand what is going on, and to make plans for how you want to go forward.




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Being Trans is indicated by three criteria, the feeling is Persistent, Consistent, and Insistent.  Those points are in the DSM of Psychological Conditions, which is a book of standards for diagnosis for major Behavioral Medicine issues.  The fact it keeps coming back to bite you shows it is consistent even if it lets go for a while and what you describe is NOT a single one and done phase thing.  You may not be wholly Trans Masculine and will go full time at some point, but your gender diversity seems to be with you for a long time.  Gender Fluid is now a possible category, but you need help dealing even with that.  Best wishes for for happiness. I would recommend that you get the ball rolling with NHS at least as far as Gender Counseling goes. 

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It's funny, I came here for the same reason. But I am 27 years old now, I still remember crying to fate for making me a girl when I was 8-10 years old. Still comes back even today, never left me. Something I noticed was that I am just not body dysmorphic, since my body doesn't bother me, which is what always made me question. Shouldn't I hate it?

Yeah, I don't really have an answer for you, I guess I was just glad to talk to someone who understand for the first time in a while! I know I like weight lifting and it's a long process to built up muscles. It doesn't mean a man must be muscular, but it was always the "First thing I would do if I woke up a men tomorrow!" so I plan on doing it, wait and see I guess!

Forget the BF in this thought process, you can't be happy with someone if you aren't you. Not saying to straight up dump him, of course, but don't consider it too much. So, if we forget about that! If you woke up tomorrow a guy, only you remember you ever weren't, what would be the first thing you do?


Ultimatly, counseling would be great too. btw, I am not unhappy, even now, so don't feel too bad if the choice stress you out, no need to rush, there is time to figure it out :)

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