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Questioning if I'm genderfluid


MayaXD

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Hi!

Recently, I've been questioning my gender (I'm afab) and I thought maybe I'm genderfluid. Since when I have to dress up to go somewhere (this is just how I express myself, in my clothes), I feel I have to dress a certain way to match my feelings. For example, yesterday I was going to a friend's house and I felt I have to wear specific clothing items so I can look masculine because I wanted to look masculine that day. But sometimes I want to put on a dress and feel like a girly girl.

Also, I've been thinking about using she/he/they pronouns all the time or changing them based on my feelings. I'm just scared to tell that to other people because what if I'm just cis and they will think I'm doing it just because I know some transgender people... 

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Hi @MayaXD the general rule of thumb is that cis people simply don't ever feel the need to question their identity. So while I would suggest just doing what feels right if you feel safe with your friends they will help you explore, don't be in a rush to pick a label just yet. The counter argument would be why is being cis the default? :) 

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32 minutes ago, DeeDee said:

Hi @MayaXD the general rule of thumb is that cis people simply don't ever feel the need to question their identity. So while I would suggest just doing what feels right if you feel safe with your friends they will help you explore, don't be in a rush to pick a label just yet. The counter argument would be why is being cis the default? :) 

Thank you for answering, it means so much to me!
Yeah, for now, I will just stick with experimenting with my gender and gender expression. I think it will be better for me to get a binder.

Do you have more ideas for how to experiment with masculinity?

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3 hours ago, MayaXD said:

I've been thinking about using she/he/they pronouns all the time or changing them based on my feelings.

 

Hi, Maya. 

 

I have a friend who considers themself to be bigender, which is a variety of gender-fluid that is quite binary.  They express themself as either male or female, depending on the context and how they feel.  They are in the military, which is totally accepting as official policy.  So when they express as male, he is addressed as "sir", uses he/him pronouns and his masculine name and wears the male uniform.  When they express as female, she is addressed as "ma'am", uses she/her pronouns and her feminine name and wears the female uniform.

 

The point is that changing your pronouns to match your expression can work, depending on the people you are among.  In my friend's case, their associates are all under orders to accept them, on pain of military punishment, so acceptance is legislated.   Obviously, that is not the case everywhere.  But it can work.

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1 hour ago, MayaXD said:

Do you have more ideas for how to experiment with masculinity?

 

Hair. If you don't want to commit to a short haircut, try something in-between which you can style in a masculine way if you feel like it.

Glasses. If you don't wear prescription glasses, try some masculine non-prescription frames which will change the look of your face while you wear them. 

Clothes, shoes, hats, etc. 

How you sit, walk and take up space. Observe your tendencies. Do you find yourself moving/posing in certain ways because that's what girls are expected to do, or because it's intuitive to you? Is your inclination to move in a different way, and are you willing to let go of some perceived expectations? It takes time and introspection to discover such things about yourself. So, try not to get bogged down in analysis and categorizing. Instead, enjoy the moments when you find new ways to feel natural. It takes a lifetime to get to know oneself, and there's no hurry. 

 

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3 hours ago, MayaXD said:

they will think I'm doing it just because I know some transgender people... 

This is the common trope that's put forward oftentimes -- that trans people "contaminate" cis people with disruptive ideas. Just not true. Our gender questioning originates deep from within ourselves. It's often rhe case that this process takes years until we discern more clearly who we are and how we can be the happiest in our lives.

 

Astrid 

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1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

The point is that changing your pronouns to match your expression can work, depending on the people you are among. 

I think I understand, thanks!

 

1 hour ago, Vidanjali said:

Hair. If you don't want to commit to a short haircut, try something in-between which you can style in a masculine way if you feel like it.

Glasses. If you don't wear prescription glasses, try some masculine non-prescription frames which will change the look of your face while you wear them. 

Clothes, shoes, hats, etc. 

Yes, I already have short hair which can really come across as feminine, masculine and androgynous depending on my outfit.

 

1 hour ago, Vidanjali said:

Instead, enjoy the moments when you find new ways to feel natural. It takes a lifetime to get to know oneself, and there's no hurry. 

Yeah, I guess you're right... Thanks!

 

1 hour ago, Astrid said:

Our gender questioning originates deep from within ourselves. It's often rhe case that this process takes years until we discern more clearly who we are and how we can be the happiest in our lives.

I got it, thank you!

 

I understood the main ideas of what should I do next, just be natural and do what I feel like doing at the moment and sometimes try to observe it (but without ruining the moment). I won't try and hurry it, because even other parts of myself that I figured out took me some time. Thank you all for answering!

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